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tired and burnt {long entry}
Tuesday. 7.1.08 5:53 pm
Yesterday was the 13 year anniversary of my Dad's death. I asked Jake to keep me occupied and distracted so that I wouldn't dwell on the day. He did just that and with the exception of one time, I stayed in a fairly good mood the whole day.

So yesterday I got to work at 7am ... and there was no one there besides those who were scheduled. Only 3 people, besides myself, showed up for the "mandatory" meeting. So we got credit for showing up, watched the video and left.

Leaving about an hour earlier than expected got me up to Jake's an hour and a half earlier than I told him. I sent him a text telling him I'd be early and when he didn't respond I didn't think anything of it. When I got there, I found out that he had only woken up 5 minutes before I arrived. If he hadn't answered the door, I would have let myself in, but with his brother back, I'm not sure I would have been comfortable going in and waking Jake up the way I normally would. So I'm glad he had just gotten up prior to my arrival.

We hung out at his place for a couple hours and played the Wii. I wasn't sure what time the mall opened, so we waited until around 10 to head up there. I exchanged the shirt I needed to and we wandered around the mall for about an hour or so. He bought the new Coldplay CD, but other than that, no money was spent.

We left the mall, went back to his place and fixed up some food. Then his brother had to take a nap so Jake and I finally got some time to ourselves. We played on the Wii some more and around 1:30 when his brother got up, we decided to go swimming.

Being the smart person that I am, I didn't put on any kind of sun screen and going swimming in the middle of the day when you're as white as me isn't going to leave you unburned. After a short while I could feel my face frying in the sun. What's funny is that my shoulders and chest are more burnt than my face. I'm already starting to itch and it's driving me crazy.

I had fun in the pool. There weren't a whole ton of people there and the ones who were there basically just lazed around tanning. I think that as soon as my burn fades back to white {I just can't seem to tan} I'm gonna go swimming again. If I remember to put sunscreen on, so be it, but if I forget {like I usually do} I just hope I don't get burned again. Next time, though, I'm going to try going swimming later in the day when the sun isn't going to affect my skin the same way.

Jake had to be at work at 4, so I dropped him off and headed back up to my part of town to pick Steve up. I dropped him off at home, then went straight back up to Jake's work. 5:30 rush hour traffic on the freeway isn't fun. It took me longer than it should have to get back to his end of town, but it was still quicker than taking city streets.

I hung out at his work with him until it was time to close up shop. Two of the regular customers were there and we all ended up staying an hour past close just talking. It was nice, but I probably should have left right after I brought Jake back home. I didn't and I ended up not leaving his house until 11:30.

I took the freeway back and it was odd how comfotable I was. With Jake always taking the highway, I knew exactly how to get where I was going so even though I've never personally driven the highway {going in that direction} it took very little thought on my part to get me to where I needed to be. I would have been home before midnight, but there was construction backing up I-15 Northbound and it had us at an almost standstill for a while.

I got home at midnight, let Jake know I survived the highway and went to bed ... only to have my alarm wake me up 3 hours later.

So that was my day yesterday. Going back and forth across town killed a quarter of a tank of gas, but hey, that was part of the plan: to kill my gas yesterday rather than Jake's. It's only fair since for the first 3 months we were together he drove us everywhere. All-in-all it was a good day.

RIP Dad. I know you're there watching over us. I love you.

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Sunday. 6.29.08 3:39 pm
Jake and I saw WALL-E yesterday, just as planned. It was one of the cutest movies ever. This is definitely a DVD that I will be buying the day it comes out. Hell, if I had the money I'd go see it in theaters again. Maybe I will even if I don't have the money ...

I've made my decision about the whole moving thing. At least the near future part of the moving thing. I just need to talk to Cindy and make final arrangements. Once the final arrangements have been made, I shall write about the changes. I also need to let Kristina know about my change in plans.

After tomorrow, I won't have to chauffeur anyone around until the middle of July. My one problem? I have plans for tomorrow and I'll have to interrupt them so that I can either bring ma to work or pick Steve up. I have to talk to Jake before I decide which I'm going to do because it involves him.

Even though I have four days off this week, I'll be busy for most of the week. Today all I had to do was laundry, dishes and go to the store. All I have left to do is laundry. Tomorrow, I've got a meeting to go to at work {at 7 in the frickin morning ... on my frickin day off} and then I'll be heading right up to Jake's when I'm done with that. As I said, I'll have to leave for about an hour to play chauffeur, but then I'll be going back up there. At that point he'll be at work and when he's done with work, I'll be coming home.

I have to work 4am-noon on Tuesday and Wednesday and 6am-1pm on Thursday. Friday is mom and Steve's wedding and I'm not sure yet what I'll be doing Saturday. Fun times.

Alright, I think that's it for me today. I shall write again whenever.

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Friday. 6.27.08 5:51 pm
I can't seem to figure anything out. When I think I've got something, another thing comes up and it brings on twice as many questions as answers. It's quite frustrating.

Whenever I want time to slow down, it speeds up. When I want it to fly by, it seems to know this and slows to a snail's pace. It's always been that way, though. And it happens to everyone.

Yesterday after Jacob left, I layed back down for a nap. A few hours later, I woke up with a sudden start and immediately felt worried, uncomfortable. I haven't had this feeling in a long time and it scares me. Something feels very wrong; almost like something is out of place. Something isn't right and I haven't the slightest clue as to what it is.

I kept as smooth a composure as I could manage until around 10pm. Then I just couldn't take it anymore and I broke down. Unfortunately, I broke down hard. I cried myself to sleep last night. Again, something that hasn't happened in a while.

My eyes are too dry right now. I wanted to cry earlier. Even my nose got all stuffy as if I were crying, but my eyes were too dry for tears to form. I guess it was good considering I was at work.

I feel better than yesterday, but only marginally.

I wish I could shake this uneasy feeling. Discomfort is not fun. It makes pretending to be in a good mood harder than it already is.

I wish Jake were here. Or I were there with him. When he holds me, even when I don't think anything will help me, feeling his arms around me and the strength in his hold comforts me.

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I musn't get too carried away now ...
Monday. 6.23.08 10:11 pm
I needed to do some running around today and since ma also needed to go out, I offered to drive her around. This would give her the opportunity to ride in my car and see how it drives.

Steve also got to ride in my car today {even though we have another vehicle, we still have three very different schedules to deal with} and I'm sure there's one thing that bothers both of them more than anything: there is absolutely no smoking in my car. I'm sure it irks them to no end, but hey, my car, my rules. This is also the first time that Steve has been in the car with me driving. Every other time, whenever he was in the car, he was driving. I drive faster than mom, but I handle the vehicle well enough.

Being out and about today, getting a better feel for my car, it excited me. The freedom that comes with having my own car. With the car & insurance payments {they'll run me about $550 a month, combined} I'm perfectly okay living on Ramen for a few months if it means I can keep my car.

I had to fight the severe urge to drive up to Jacob's today. I just saw him yesterday and the space between us, though painful, is necessary. We can't spend every waking minute with one another. It'd drive us both crazy. Even married couples need to spend time apart from each other.

After I dropped Steve off at home, my sister and I went up to the mall for a few hours. I haven't been up there in such a long time {I think Christmas was the last time I was at the mall} and we were going to try and break the impossible task of finding me a dress to wear to my mother's wedding. After 4 stores and trying on one dress, I decided it was a lost cause. There's no way I'd be able to get over my sincere hatred for dresses enough in the week and a half before the wedding in order for me to suffer through wearing one. I have a nice outfit that I can wear. It'll have to suffice.

I'm about halfway through Eclipse. Once I finish the book, I'll be reading Skin and Absolute Fear. Something that will keep my mind preoccupied until Breaking Dawn comes out {August 2nd.}

I don't think my hiatus is completely over. I'm not going to try with everything in me to write a blog every day. It seems a bit much sometimes. And it'll help on the days when I don't have anything to say just to simply not type anything at all, rather than figure out how many ways I can say, "I've got nothing to write about."

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I sold my soul tonight
Saturday. 6.21.08 10:52 pm
I don't like posting more than one blog a day {per account} but this is just something that needed to be said.

I sold my soul tonight. And will be officially beyond broke for the next 6 years of my life.

Yes, that's correct. I bought a car. My first car, in fact.

But why, you ask, am I going to be broke for the next 6 years?

Yes, correct again. I didn't buy a used, piece of shit that I had my mind set on getting. I bought a brand new, off the lot car.

I am now the owner of a 2008 white Nissan Versa.

The shock still hasn't worn off yet {and I'm dealing with female issues} so I'm not outwardly and obviously excited. I'm sure it'll sink in, in full, in about a week.

So here ya go the-muffin-man, here's the happy thing that has been missing from my last month of blogging.

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longer than I expected
Saturday. 6.21.08 3:34 pm
My hiatus is going to be longer than I anticipated. New complications have risen and it's not helping my stress level any.

Some things have happened, good things; things that seem to be too overpowered by the unfortunate and annoyingly frustrating incidents to the point where I can't exactly remember.

I'm focusing too much on my very near future and the few months that will be following. I should probably be focusing on my present; each day as it comes, but how am I supposed to do that when the daunting future that lies ahead doesn't ...

Nevermind. I just wanted to let anyone who might actually come by and read this know that it'll be longer than I expected before I return to regular, daily blogging.

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