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prayers and exhaustion
Wednesday. 9.30.09 6:40 pm
This is only going to be a quick update. I'm too exhausted to write out a ton of details.

Jacob has his surgery on yesterday. It went very well. And was quicker than the estimated time we were given.

We were at the hospital for 12 hours yesterday, though. It was a long day.

His mom was nice enough to let me stay at her house last night instead of making me drive all the way back to mine. She probably understood that it was an exhausting day for all of us and no one was awake enough to drive really anywhere.

We got to see him briefly last night. He was still on the breathing machine and the anesthetic hadn't completely worn off yet, but he was happy to see us.

This morning he was looking really good. They even had him up walking for a short distance. Isn't that crazy? Less than 24 hours after open heart surgery and he's walking around. It's amazing. But Jacob's amazing so ... yeah.

I don't even know how many times I sanitized my hands between yesterday and today. Probably a lot more today than yesterday, though, because I was going in to see him whenever the visiting hours allowed.

Over the next few weeks, I don't know how often I'll be updating because I'll be trying to spend as much time as I can with him. Once he's home though, after about a week, I'll only be going over to his house when he's okay with it. I don't want to intrude.

Alright. I really should eat something, but I'm feeling sick to my stomach again. And hopefully I'll be able to get some kind of sleep before work tonight. I really, really hate that I have to go back in to work tonight. But it's necessary.

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Sunday. 9.27.09 8:15 am
Yesterday was good ... up until I had to come home. That's always the way it is. The day starts out great, goes great ... then ends. And it sucks. The ending is very rarely ever leaving me going home happy.

I had a few plans for yesterday and they all consisted of stuff that wasn't going to be very much fun. I planned on showing up at the South Point alone, getting the tickets to Bodies, wandering the show for just a couple minutes, then coming home. After that I planned on going to the storage unit and working some more. Basically a not-very-fun day.

So when I wake up around 8am, I'm laying there debating whether to get up then or just try and go back to sleep for another hour, when I get a phone call. It's Jacob wondering if I want to go to Hoover Dam with them. Of course I jumped on it. It probably wouldn't have mattered what my other plans were for the day, I would have canceled them. A bit sad, but true.

I get up, get dressed and head over there. We then proceed to head out. I'd never been to Hoover Dam anyway; just driving over it a couple times. It was fun. Afterwards we decided to spend some time at Fremont Street. That was pretty fun too. We all got something to drink and wandered for a bit. Gambled a little and lost most of it.

When we got back to his house we hung out for a bit, then went out to the bookstore and Blockbuster. Since he still had alcohol in him, I drove. Found the book he wanted, but Blockbuster didn't have the movie he was looking for. Went back to his house, his mom was cooking dinner and trying to upload the pictures we took at Hoover Dam to the computer.

After dinner is when it started to get all weird. I was falling asleep on the couch so he told me to go in and take a nap. When I woke up two hours later, he was pretty much exhausted from the day and wanted to sleep so he asked me to go home. He didn't even walk me out to my car like he normally does. Even when it's a night when he wants to go to sleep, he at least does that. He might not stay and watch me drive away, but last night, I even had to lock the door behind me when I left. I understand that he was tired, but still. That's never stopped him before.

Time has also pretty much run out. I'm glad I got to see him yesterday, but that was the last of the time I'll have with him while he's in good enough health for a couple weeks. I'll get to see him tomorrow, as long as he's still okay with me hanging with him and his cousin, but I'll be so busy tomorrow, I don't know how awake I'll be. I guess it won't matter. Either way I'll force myself to be awake enough to spend time with him.

{side note: I feel comfortable talking about this stuff without the fear of him seeing it because I know he doesn't read these anymore. He stopped a long time ago. I don't even think he remembers the site}

I've come to realize I have a problem. No matter how tired I am, no matter if I'm ready to collapse in bed, I still have to get on the computer before I sleep. I can leave the house without getting on the computer first, but it irks me for a minute while I'm leaving. I could go a couple days without the computer, but it would bother me ... a lot. It's like a drug. Same thing with my phone. I accidentally left my phone in the car yesterday and when I realized it, I asked if they could wait a second so I could go back and get it. I know that with my lack of a life {I just don't have one} and nowhere really to go out here, if I tried to test myself to see if I could go a day or two without either device, I'd go crazy.

I have one plan for today: bring my sister to work. I should call my mom and have her go through more stuff in storage, but I don't know if I want to. I'll probably just come home.

Tomorrow is the day that I'm going to be freakishly busy.

Fuck today. I may be special, but the day isn't.

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two days + two days + two days
Wednesday. 9.23.09 1:22 pm
There are two more days in the work week. I'm ready to be done working for the week, but I have to make it through 16 more hours of work. At least the days seem to be going by a little faster. Not much, though. I think it has something to do with the fact that one of the drivers makes two trips rather than just the one.

After that there are two days to the weekend. It needs to be more. Weekends are never long enough. Even when I'm having a shitty weekend, I very rarely ever actually want to go back to work. I may want the bad time to end quickly, but I hardly want the work week to start up again.

Two more days later is Jacob's surgery. I can't believe its only 6 days away. Which means my birthday is in 12 days. Craziness.

For some reason my jaw hurts right now. Whenever I open it all the way, like to yawn, or when I bite down on something it hurts. I don't know why. Hopefully it'll go away soon.

I've been spending a lot of time on Facebook lately. I still make it a point to come here regularly, though. I could never abandon NuTang. Even when I don't feel like blogging, I'm still here as a lurker.

It's starting to get just a slight cooler outside. It's really nice at night when I leave for work. Now if only that temperature stayed when the sun came up.

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rant {PWP, just in case; message for pw}
Monday. 9.21.09 4:59 pm
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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its gotten a hold of me again
Sunday. 9.20.09 6:51 pm
Depression, I mean. The same shit that's had me down for the last couple weeks. Everything seems to be moving at the speed of light or in slow motion. Whenever I want something to happen, it doesn't. Or it takes it's sweet time. Whenever I don't want it to happen, that's when it shows up BAM! right in my face.

I hate that I don't feel like I can control it. I know people will argue that it's all in your head and you have every way of controlling how you feel about something, but really? You don't always. I don't care what some people say, this depression is not always my choice. Getting randomly upset/angry/pissed/annoyed or bothered is not something where I'm like "okay, yeah. I think I'll be upset and cry right now." Or "oh hey, you've done absolutely nothing wrong, but I'm going to be pissed at you anyway." Yeah, not always my choice.

I've been cursing a lot more lately. I don't really know why. It seems every few words that come out of my mouth are foul or derogatory in some way. Surprisingly it's not something that everyone is able to pick up. Even after I pointed it out to a couple of my friends, they didn't notice until I said something after saying another curse word.

I'm at the stage again where I just want to hermit myself away from the cities. Away from people. The sad part is that I'd still take my phone with me. So apparently I don't want to be put into total seclusion. I'm pretty sure I could live without the computer for a while. But my phone? Its a sickness.

Who are you supposed to talk to about something when you have no one to talk to about it? I've already expressed how I feel about a certain situation to a few people and they're sick of hearing about it from me. So now I don't have anyone to talk to about it. Unless I feel like burdening someone else. I don't want to spread the depression. I'd rather just wallow in it ...

Blah. Enough depression for the night. I should be getting ready for bed, but I'm not tired.

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why am I awake?
Saturday. 9.19.09 1:42 am
Oh right. Because I wanted to be. I had just finished telling my friend that some nights I want to stay awake just for the hell of it, but I hardly get to do that simply for the fact that my body just won't let me.

Well, tonight it appears I'm getting my wish. I'm not even close to sleepy. Sure, I'm tired, but I'm always tired. It's like the latest fashion trend.

I know exactly what's wrong with me {in this specific instance} but I won't do anything to change it. Why? I don't know. Shit would be a lot easier on me if I did change, but I just won't. I'm not going to say I can't, but it's just as likely. {don't ask for details; this particular chunk is pretty much just for me}

I'm eating the hot pockets that I bought for work. I guess as long as I leave at least 5 in the box, then I should be okay for the weekend. I might even pull out 5 and put them aside so I'm not tempted to eat them.

I might end up going to bed just out of boredom. Either way ... sleep, decent sleep, is again unlikely this weekend.

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