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My Unkymood Punkymood (Unkymoods)
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off & on plus the inbetween
Friday. 9.26.08 8:34 pm
Working security is okay. Working a grave shift? Not so much. Lemme just give some quick advice: If you are ever given a choice to work grave shift or something else, choose the something else. Unless you have no choice, I'd not reccomend working an overnight shift. Sure, it's all fine and dandy if you do absolutely nothing at night and have no plans for half/most of the next day and, oh yeah, you are okay with only sleeping a few hours at a time during daylight hours. Then, yes, by all means work the grave shift. Otherwise, don't. It's not really worth it. I needed the money and although it's still not enough, {mostly because I'm catching up on bills and whatnot} it is a paycheck and that's what I need. If the opportunity came up where I could switch over to days, I would.

Anywho, due to Jake and mine's conflicting work hours, we don't get out much. Sure we hang out at home for a few hours between when I get home and when he leaves for work, but if either of us is tired, we sleep that time away. I get home right around 7:30am and that's usually still too early for Jake to get up. I'll stay up for a little bit, but eventually I start to fall asleep and it's usually right around the time he's getting up.

We were going to go out for dinner and see a movie yesterday, but due to me not getting much sleep over the last week, I was too tired to stay up, even when I tried to force myself to stay awake. Plus I had to work last night. We ended up not going anywhere. Then we talked about going this morning before he had to work, but again we were both tired and he doesn't like doing things like that before work because the movies don't open till later and by the time the movie gets out, he usually has to rush to be ready and on time for work. It would be slightly easier if we had the same days off, but that would be too easy.

The moods in this house like to change on a regular basis as well. That's where the title comes in. We have our good days and our bad, but mostly they sit at the inbetween. One of us will be in a decent mood, but the others will not. Not an easy task to stay in a good mood when the people around you aren't.

The game wedding finally happened. Jake wanted to surprise me by doing the engagement while I was sleeping and then when I woke up he'd be all "you still want to do that wedding?" However, the screen got stuck and he had to wake me to figure out how to get out of it. It was still a nice surprise, just not the one he had in mind. It was pretty quick and I forgot about taking screenshots to show you guys. Ha, sorry.

Alright, so that's the mostly vague update. I'd go into more details about my job, but I don't feel like it. Maybe next time.

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post from work
Saturday. 9.20.08 11:08 pm
I'm working overtime right now. This is the only time I'll be allowed to have my phone or my computer here because no one else is here; with the exception of the one guy who sits in control and watches the cameras. I was told to bring it so that I wouldn't be completely bored out of my mind. I'm just lucky that I have the internet card otherwise I'd not be able to get on the net. They're too tight here so I wouldn't be able to hack into their modems. People have tried anyway.

Anywho, the game wedding never happened. We both waited too long and the rings expired. We could always just get engaged again and have the wedding either that day or the next, but I don't know if he's still up to doing it. Oh well.

I finally got all my mail from the last month and a half. DVDs that I never received, bills that I ended up paying late because I didn't know they were due, bank statements, etc. The most important piece of mail that I was supposed to have gotten a month ago was my copy of my car insurance policy and contract. I need to call my agent and let him know that I was having a problem with my mail, apologize for not having called sooner and see if I can set up something so I don't have to worry about making any more late payments. It's ridiculous. It was kinda funny yesterday, though. Jake's mom called and told him to have me meet her out at the car because I had some mail. I walked out there expecting a single piece that had finally made it to me and instead she just kept handing me envelopes. I was annoyed that it had taken this long to get to me, but I just had to laugh.

They got new carpet in yesterday. That was fun. I didn't mind being trapped in the bedroom the whole couple hours it took them, but when I started to get really thirsty and couldn't leave to get something to drink, it wasn't so fun anymore. Luckily I only had to wait about half an hour till they were done. The new carpet is nice. It's fun to walk on barefoot. It's all soft and comfortable. Gotta love brand new carpet.

Alright, I'm done. Who knows when I'll be inclined to write again.

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Saturday. 9.13.08 9:10 pm
The crying every day has stopped for the time being. I'm still down though.

It seems that my body still has to adjust the the BC. I felt sick last month when I started taking it and now that I've started my second month, I feel the same way. It has some good benefits though, so I guess it's worth dealing with the unfortunate, minor side effects.

The warning I received about my work place seems to be starting to prove correct. If it gets to a certain point, I'm going to have to report it and put in for a transfer to somewhere else. I don't want to have to do that, but if these guys start really acting like the pigs I was warned they were, then I'll have no choice. Let's just say I'm not looking forward to tomorrow night when I go back to work.

Jacob and I are getting married ... at least our characters in the game we play are. It was my idea when the option became available, but I'm happy that he's eager to go along with it. We're already engaged and the wedding will be happening within a few days. I wonder what the ceremony will look like.

Most postmasters don't look at the names on the envelopes; they just look at the address. Well, go figure that I happen to get the one who looks at the name. Needless to say, I haven't been getting any of my mail. I got some when I first moved here, but now I'm not getting anything. So I had Jake's mom write a note to the postmaster stating that I am currently residing here and I need to have my mail delivered to this address and she made sure my name was on it. In the meantime I need to figure out how to get all the mail that was sent back. I know some of what I was supposed to get, but other than that, I can't thing of exactly what I'm supposed to be getting, but haven't been. Such as the paycheck that I am in desperate, desperate need of.

Anywho, I think that's it for now. Who knows when I'll write again.

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Tuesday. 9.9.08 9:10 pm
Jacob keeps telling me that once I realize most people are selfish, it'll make it easier to accept. Even if I realize it, I still have trouble with it.

Is it selfish of me to want him to stay with me? Is it selfish for me to want him to still do the cute little things that I loved so much in the beginning? The things that made me smile and simply be in a better mood throughout the day? Is it selfish for me to want him to tell me he loves me?

I want what seems like so many different things; the "I want" is what makes them all sound selfish.

Him? He only wants one thing from me. To understand him. That's not much to ask for. It's only one little thing. Yet ...

This depression is tearing me up. Crying has become a regular thing again. I haven't been eating and people are starting to notice. Who would have guessed though; eating two things in the last three days ... people are bound to notice.

What makes this even worse is that I don't mean to bring people down with me, but they are because they're either worried or pissed. I think it's varying now. And it's making me feel worse. I guess it's time to pull out the fake smiles and forced ... I wouldn't say "happiness," but something along those lines.

I know that I need to get out of the house, other than just to work, but when I'm like this, I just want to lock myself up in a room and curl up in the corner. My problem with that is that I want someone to come in and comfort me. Jake would do that, but he's sick of me being like this. It's annoying him so he just wants to stay away.

I think I need to start trying to get out of it.

... one of the biggest reasons for this is that I'm still terrified that once I move out of the apartment, he'll end the relationship. Moving in was a test; it would either strengthen the relationship or kill it. So far it's been tough, but it's still going. Moving out will be an even bigger test. Will he realize that it's better without me? Or will the time apart and the space we need help to strengthen it?

There are other things, but I need to go to work. Perhaps I'll write about them later.

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unsure feeling
Saturday. 9.6.08 7:09 pm
I don't feel well today. Not so much sick, but more uncomfortable. Like something isn't right. But not like when I usually get this way. This time it's more along the lines of something is simply out of place. Rather than something completely wrong happening, it's merely a temporary inconvenience. I only wish I could place it. I'm not sure if it would make me feel any better though.

Anywho, I've been thinking about some stuff today. Before I met Jacob, I had had a dislike for people for quite a few years. Most of the cause was probably from the way that I was treated; I learned that people weren't nice and shouldn't be liked for those reasons. Rather than learning that not all people are that way; only handfulls here and there and ignoring the ones who deserve to be ignored. The dislike for society stuck with me.

Jacob is the same way, only his disklike for people is much more intensified. I'm beginning to wonder if some of that is starting to rub off on me. I've always had my days where I haven't wanted to deal with people. Days where I've purposly stayed in the house to ignore everyone, even if I knew I had something that needed to be done.

My new job requires a lot less effort and I have to deal with a lot less people, directly. Yet I find that instead of excitement for getting paid much more and having to do a lot less work, I don't want to go because of the few people I still have to interact with. I don't see anything wrong with any of them. None of them has done anything to cause me dislike them; it's just the way I feel.

I can still tolerate people more than Jacob can. Or at least I think I can. I can put on the mask and interact with society even on the days when I feel like locking myself in. He can too, but ... ugh. I'm not sure where I'm going with this. Maybe I just want to feel like I'm stronger than he is, in at least one sense.

Another thing that's been on my mind is jealousy. I asked him once if he felt any kind of jealousy towards anything that I've done, do or have and he said no, because he trusts me. Fully and wholy. There's absolutely no reason for him to be jealous and he's right to trust me. I trust him entirely, too; probably more than he realizes, but I still get jealous from time to time. It's part of who I am. There's really no reason behind it, but it's still there.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that, for some reason, I'd like for him to show even a little jealousy on rare occasion. I want him to be a little jealous that I work with all guys {with the exception of one other female, who I rarely see anyway.} I don't know why, but it's something I want him to feel. Even if only once or twice.

Does what I'm saying even make sense? I don't know. Maybe, if I can muster up the courage or try to find the right words, I'll talk to him about it tonight.

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one month
Friday. 9.5.08 2:54 pm
I started my new job. It's amazing just how tired you can get from doing nothing, or close to it. Wednesday after I got home from working 6:30am-3:00pm, I did the dishes and passed out, expecting to be up in a few hours after taking a short nap. Next thing I know it's 20 after 11 at night. I slept the whole second part of the day away. Better yet, after staying up for a few hours, going back to bed around 3am, I didn't wake up again until close to 11am. I didn't realize I was that tired.

There is some work involved. The job isn't that ridiculously simple. Having to count for a few thousand laptops takes effort. And lowering a dock plate that requires more weight to lower than what you actually weigh takes effort too. I'm still working on my technique to get them down without having to jump on the edges.

My eye stopped twitching for all of about a day and a half. It's starting to twitch again. I know I'm stressed, but I was hoping that I had lowered the stress level just enough to get my eye to stop twitching. Apparently whatever is bothering me today is causing it to rise again.

Exactly one month from today is my 22nd birthday. My plans for going out of town obviously have been canceled/postponed. It would not look good on my part to get a new job and request to take a week off a month after I started. That's a good way to lose a job. So what the plan now is is to just chill out around Vegas. Not what I had in mind, but I'm going to try and make it a pleasant weekend. I'm debating between where I should go for dinner. Right now it's between Chipotle {which I've never had} or Chili's {which I've only ever had once.}

We had Olive Garden last night and it wasn't too tasty. Who knows, I might end up just settling for In'N'Out Burger. I've been craving it for a while and if I don't get it in the next month that might very well end up as my birthday dinner. Who knows.

There's still a lot I need to figure out. If only it was as simple as "only time will tell." Then again, perhaps I'm thinking too much into it. Maybe it really is that easy and I'm just making it harder than it should be.

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