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warning: rant ahead
Saturday. 1.12.08 6:24 pm
I really, honestly think I should have never left Tucson. I was financially more secure there. I had no one to deal with at home except myself. Oh yeah, and I had friends.

The crying I did, on what seemed like a daily basis, was because of bullshit going on at work. Not because of the fucked up family issues. Which is the reason the tears are falling now.

I hate that whenever ma has a bad day at work, it's taken out on us. I'm sorry that her work sucks and there's nothing she can do about it. But it's not my goddamn fault your shit is fucked up. I'm fucking sorry that I have money to spend. Would you like me to start paying all the bills? I will. But then no, you'll feel bad for "making your daughter pay for stuff she shouldn't have to." When I get my own place I'll have to pay for everything on my own. It won't be as simple in Florida as it was in Arizona.

I hate that I can't just leave like I did when I was 18. This time I have nowhere to go. And I'd rather sit at home crying than out on the street crying. Even if I had my license I'd need to get permission because it's not my car. But since I don't have my license the only way to get around by myself is by foot. We live too far away from anything for me to walk there in the dark, by myself.

I only have two people who I can call to talk to about this, but I wouldn't want to bother them with my problems. So I sit here and resort to my computer. I talk to no one. I have no one.

My day started out not-so-good, got better for a couple hours and now it's just been shot down the drain. There's almost no way for it to get better.

Wouldn't the people at work be shocked. The happy, smiling, friendly person they know is a person who suffers from depression, gets pissed off/cries easily and has violent tendencies {quite literally; sometimes I really do want to stab/punch/hurt someone.}

If I could have the lifestyle I had in Tucson with the job I have now, I'd be happier. But I apparently can't have both. No, it doesn't work that way.

It's times like these that I wish I hadn't stopped cutting.

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Friday. 1.11.08 2:07 pm
Yesterday was fairly uneventful. I basically stayed in my room the whole day. I didn't even eat dinner with the family. I just felt like being alone.

I took an hour and a half nap around 2:30pm yesterday, but of course, had to wake up at 4 to watch It Takes a Thief. The family who they robbed and gave the security system to sucked. Even after watching their home get destroyed by a burglar and getting a fucking swass {sweet-ass} home security system, they still left all of their doors open, plus a few windows. They even left the key under the doormat. The key was a universal skeleton key; it worked all of the locks in the house. It almost seemed like they didn't care nor appreciate what the guys did for them.

Anywho, I had to be at work at 2am so I shut the TV off at around 9pm. Between 9pm and 1:15am I was awake every 45 minutes. Needless to say, I did not get a decent amount of sleep before I had to work. Hopefully tonight I'll sleep better. I don't have to be at work until 6am tomorrow.

I think Sam works today, but I already got my check so I have no reason to go up to work. I'm not exactly broke anymore, but I don't know of anything I want to buy from work. I have no idea when he works again ... I kinda want him to call soon.

I'm doing my best not to let it bother me, but its starting to get a little harder. Not by much, but enough to irk me.

Cindy asked me today how good at math I am and I told her I'm pretty good. I aced Algebra I & II honors and I got a B average in Trig. The only thing I'm not good at was Geometry. I barely passed that class with a D and that was with a grade curve. Cindy asked if she paid me, could I tutor her daughter so that she could get her diploma. The pay isn't necessary, but I said I'd have to review the work and see what I could do to help. I was never good at helping someone understand, but I'm also a little better with people than I was 4 years ago. I also need to review the stuff she's studying because I've been out of school for close to 4 years.

Uhhhh I think that's it for today. I shall bore you more tomorrow.

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a dream that comforted
Thursday. 1.10.08 11:14 am
I'm not exactly tired, but I can't stop yawning. I guess the air supply in my lungs just won't stay at the requied amount.

I have a minor problem right now. In the past when I've had dreams about certain things, it bugs me because I want it to come true. One of my dreams that did actually come true could have gotten me in serious trouble. It didn't, but the risk was still there.

Last night I had a dream about Sam. I was over at his house with him; it was kinda late {around 11ish or so} and we were just cuddling together under a blanket watching movies. It was one of the most comforting dreams I've had in a while. The problem? I want it to happen. I miss cuddling and in this dream it was almost perfect. {the only way it would have been perfect is if it hadn't been a dream}

The dream skips ahead a couple hours {it's now almost 2am} and he's suddenly hungry. But what he's hungry for, he doesn't have in his house so he askes if I'm okay with going out. I laugh, say it's no problem and we head out to his car. We get just about to his car and he stops almost as if he's forgotten something. He looks at me, smirks and says he'll be right back. Go ahead and get in the car. This confuses me, but because it's cold out, I get in the car.

I watch as he runs over to his neighbor's house, grabs the sprinkler places it just so on the lawn and turns it on. Then he books it back over to the car, gets in and we drive off. I look at him and ask what that was all about.

He tells me he's been pulling this prank on his neighbor for about a week. He goes out in the middle of the night, sets the sprinkler so that the aim is at the bedroom window. He turns it on and the sound of the water hitting the window wakes them up. By the time they get out of the house to find out what's going on, he's back inside. This is the first time he'd driven away, but we're so far away now, it won't matter. The funny part is that they'd asked him to keep an eye out for whoever is doing it because his window faces their yard. I laugh at how dumb they appear to be for not having figured it out already.

The dream skips ahead and now we're back at his place, cuddling again, but now he's got his food. {I can't remember what it was he wanted} He askes me if I'm tired and I say a little, but there was no point in sleeping. I had to be at work at 6am {it was now just after 3am} so he'd just be dropping me off at work. He felt a little bad for keeping me up, but I told him it wasn't the first time I'd be going in on no sleep. And I was happy staying up because I was with him. We both smiled and focused our attention back to the TV.

Then I wake up.

It was the most comforting dream I've had in quite a long while and because it was with Sam, I want it to happen. Oh well. Maybe it will, maybe it won't. Only time will tell.

Alright, I think this has been long enough. I might write again later tonight. It depends on if there's anything good enough to write about.

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Wednesday. 1.9.08 5:28 pm
So I was going to take a nap around 3ish, but by the time I got Lotus put back in her tank and finished texting people, it was closer to 4. And I watch It Takes a Thief at 4. I'm not sure why I like that show, but I seem to have to watch it whenever it's on.

So I layed down to watch it and oddly enough, with as tired as I was, I managed to stay awake through the whole hour with not much effort.

So here I am ... 5:31pm and awake. I've been up for just over 14 hours. Which isn't too bad. I would wake up at 8am and be up until midnight. Just to wake up at 8am the next morning.

I just realized I started the last three 'paragraphs' with the word "so." I unintentionally did that. I apologize for the annoyance it might cause some people.

Anywho, Sam hasn't called yet. I'm not surprised, nor am I really affected. I'm not expecting him to call at all, let alone in just a day. I mean, he only got my number just over 24 hours ago.

On Sunday{?} I bought two 24 packs of 1/2 litre bottles of Dasani and I'm just about finished with one. That means I'm averaging about 3 litres of water a day. At least it's good for you.

One of the boxes of pillows I opened today was actually really cute. They were animal pillows that could either be a pillow or a stuffed animal. A piece of velcro was holding the two sides closed. The pig was the cutest {even though I'm not a fan of pink.} The cat was the ugliest. I just didn't look right. I would have liked the hippo ... if it wasn't pink. Hippos are not supposed to be pink. Pigs are. Hence me dealing with the color.

Uhm, my day was very typical. I didn't work too hard. I didn't slack off either. I'm off tomorrow and then I have to be at work at 2am Friday. I'm okay with that because by going in two hours earlier means I get to leave two hours earlier. Only one hour of being open, having to deal with the early riser customers.

Alrighty, I'm done.

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*le sigh*
Tuesday. 1.8.08 7:33 pm
I'm not actually upset, I just don't feel good. Don't worry, I'm not getting sick again. Let's just say being a female sucks ... for about 60 days of the year.

Anywho, after my much appreciated comments yesterday from southern. the-muffin-man and nuttz I thought about my spending in the last couple months and due to Christmas and the New Year, I have spent a bit more than I had originally thought. I saved most of my receipts and the extra money that was spent was on food that I didn't keep the receipts for.

I guess I start from page one again. Saving up money from the beginning.

In other news, I got to talk to Sam a little bit more today. Still didn't find anything out other than he's from Cali and this is the only other place he's lived. He's got more money than I do ... I'm a little jealous, but not enough to affect my emotions. After about 10 minutes of talking {and realizing just how much more of a life he's got than I do} I said that we should hang out sometime. In which he replied by getting my number. The only issue I have is that now I have to answer all the calls of numbers that I don't recognize because I never got his number. Fine by me though. I can cuss out the idiots who refuse to understand "you have the wrong number!"

I told Tony that I liked him and told him not to say anything. . . with the small hope that he might. I don't think he ever said anything to Mario, though, so he might not with Sam. Oh well. I can only hope for the best if and when Sam finds out. This is one of those situations where I hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.

I'm beginning to really hate the holidays. All of them, in general ... with the exception of Halloween; which will always be my favorite. It's disgustingly ridiculous just how commercialized all the holidays are. I was working on putting out Valentine's, St. Patrick's Day and Easter shit and was getting more and more annoyed with every box I opened.

I mean seriously? Basketball, soccer and football Easter Eggs? WFT?! I don't even know who came up with the association between Easter and eggs, but really? What the fuck is wrong with regular colored plastic eggs? The cheap kind I had when I was a child? The way holidays are looked at these days are just bullshit.

*ahem* Sorry. I didn't mean for this to turn into a rant. But I guess I'm done now. I'll write again tomorrow.

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Monday. 1.7.08 2:26 pm
I've been working for about 2 1/2 months now, making the same amount of money I was making when I left Tucson. I'm not working quite as many hours, but it adds up to about the same amount of pay.

I had the rent, cable bill, cell phone bill and food to pay for. I didn't have a lot of extra money, but I had enough to indulge in chocolate and go to the movies every so often.

Here, I pay my cell phone bill {which is actually about $40 less than it was in Tucson} and I buy some of the food I eat. Other than that, I don't have to pay for anything. How is it, that I'm more broke now than I was when I was living on my own? I'm not sure how it works, but it's happening.

I'm moving in July and I need the save up money for that. I'm not even thinking about saving up money for the tattoos that I want or the piercing that I want. That's not top priority right now. There are a few extra things I want to buy {such as every-so-often movie tickets}, but other than that the money I get will be put away.

I still have no idea how I'm more broke now than when I was having to spend money each month. Oh well. Hopefully in the next couple months I won't be as broke.

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