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Thoughts askew {ask}
Tuesday. 8.19.14 6:35 am
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Deep breath in, slowly exhale
Monday. 8.18.14 7:39 pm
After the last two days of panicked, irrational thoughts, I really need to refocus on what's right in front of my face. I need to take a few steps back and realize that this is happening for a reason and that it'll work itself out.

Perhaps it's time I look in to seeing a therapist again.

I rescheduled my MRI for Saturday morning. 8:30am was the only time they had available. Looks like I'll be driving myself, though. Which is fine. I'm sure I'll be fine. If I keep telling myself that, it'll actually happen, right?

I'm waiting on a confirmation for an eye exam two weeks from Wednesday. It's been nearly 4 years since my last exam and that could be contributing to my headaches. The stress certainly isn't helping, but the fact that I need a new prescription definitely might have something to do with it.

It's times like these that I wonder how/why my family and friends put up with me.

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Change is coming
Sunday. 8.17.14 8:15 pm
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Accelerando in the key of love {ask}
Sunday. 8.17.14 12:53 am
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Slight invasion
Friday. 8.1.14 2:24 pm
After quitting Facebook for a couple weeks, I finally decided that I had enough pictures I wanted to share and signed back in. I uploaded my pictures first, then scrolled through the newsfeed that has yet to turn back to most recent posts. Because I'd been gone for so long, it felt it was necessary to share with me things that happened a couple days ago. Or yesterday. If I wanted to see yesterday's stuff, I'd keep scrolling.

An odd feeling came over me while I was scrolling, though. It kind of felt like I was invading on people's lives. Like, seeing the status updates, that didn't have pictures attached to them, felt weird to me. I felt like I was prying without permission. Which is amusing because that's what it's there for. People want you to know these things so they share them with you. For some reason I don't feel that way about Twitter, though I do mostly just follow celebrities and Instagram is just pictures, which is one of the main reasons why I still keep Facebook. I like looking at the pictures people share.

None of the rest of it is necessary.

I don't even care if people 'like' the stuff I share. I don't care if they comment. It's not there as a popularity contest. It really did feel nice to be disconnected from Facebook for a while, even if it wasn't a month or so that I originally planned the hiatus to be.

The other deciding factor in going back on was the fact that the individual who would be affected the most by some of the things I post isn't even friends with me on there anymore so I didn't really feel the need to 'hide' any longer. Sure, there are people in his life that are still on my friends list and if he chooses to look at my stuff through them, then so be it; that's his decision. He wanted to be disconnected so I'm giving the space that's necessary, but I'm not going to stop living because of it. It wouldn't be fair to me. I did have a mourning period. And I do still wish there was a less hurtful way, but there's not. So I continue living.

It's actually cloudy out right now. I'm pretty excited by this sudden development. I wasn't expecting the clouds until next week. The extended forecast didn't have it getting cloudy until Monday. We've certainly had enough sun to get us through for a while. Surprisingly, though, I did find myself glad that I got the pictures of the Blue Angels practice show yesterday, when the sun was shining bright and the sky was clear. They can fly higher, do more tricks and look more spectacular. Today, for the actual show, they'll have to cut back a little bit and make sure not to dance too dangerously with the clouds.

Tomorrow is back to work and then the week starts over. We're probably going back to mandatory 12s again soon. Which is annoying, but I'm actually kind of looking forward to the extra money. It'd be more appreciated if the money was coming from a source I don't hate, but I'll take what I can right now. I'm actually kind of waiting a little bit before I pick up my search again. I am holding my breath a little, even though I keep telling myself that I shouldn't get too excited. If nothing has happened by the time I get back from my extended weekend the first week of September, then I'll pick up my search in full force again.

We'll see what happens. I just know I'm enjoying the time I'm not at work. Alone or together, I'm pretty happy with my personal life right now.

Until next time. . .

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Falling at the speed of sound
Monday. 7.28.14 3:05 pm
My boyfriend is a pianist. He's a composer, to be more specific. His inability to read sheet music allows for the creative juices to flow freely, ensuring that every piece he creates is solely his. He records each piece that he feels fit to save for later, and although I've noticed a pattern among a lot of them, I have yet to encounter one that I felt should not have been recorded. Don't get me wrong, I don't love every song I've listened to; there are certainly a few that I didn't feel were up to par with the rest, but nothing has left me saying, "wow, this is really not good."

His most recent piece was completed in about two months and most of it was created during the first weeks of getting to know each other. In the end, when he finally completed it, he dedicated the song to me, saying I helped with the inspiration and that it would only be fair since I was the one with whom he talked during a lot of the final weeks of composition. It was probably one of the sweetest gestures I'd ever encountered. And it made me giddy knowing that I was the first person, aside from the creator, to have heard the completed piece.

Now, since then, I've played the song for quite a few people, but never all the way through. It's a considerable length, a little over 9 minutes, so I skip around to parts that I like more. The simple, yet elegant feel of his music puts me in a place that no other music is capable of doing. It may have something to do with the fact that I know whose fingers are in control of the sound waves, but I can close my eyes and drift away from life for a few moments while the music resonates through my eardrums.

He was goofing off yesterday on the piano while I was making some lunch and he would go from paying whatever came in to his mind and through his fingers to Christmas music. Jingle Bells and Carol of the Bells were among them. I suppose those are ones that everyone can learn just by sound. Hell, I could play them on my flute without needing the sheet music. It doesn't seem to matter to me what he plays, I thoroughly enjoy listening to all of it. Any of it. Anything he's willing to share with me makes me fall just a little further in to the deep bliss I'm currently wrapping myself up in.

This is certainly a feeling I want to soak up as much of as I can. And as long as he's willing to let me in, I'll be there; eyes closed, a smile on my face and my heart just melting that much more.

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