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The ever elusive happiness
Monday. 12.26.11 9:29 pm
Well, at least I'll have plenty of shit to talk about with my therapist when I finally go see him. . . 2 weeks from tomorrow.

Who knows how much more depressed I might get between now and then.

Happiness seems to be eluding me right now.

It almost doesn't seem worth it to be happy.

I just don't see the point.

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Saturday. 12.24.11 6:46 am
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

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I change my mind...
Wednesday. 12.21.11 1:22 pm
I don't like where we are right now.

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Tuesday. 12.20.11 12:59 am
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

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coming down off the high
Sunday. 12.18.11 12:45 pm
The happiness that everyone seems to have noticed as of late seems to be getting to my nervous system finally and is breaking it down.

I'm definitely feeling, as randomjunk said in her blog, "irritable." Everything is pissing me off. I'm feeling a lot more depressed lately. Stressed over money issues, relationship issues, friendship issues, work ... the list can keep going.

I almost feel sick of being happy all the time. I mean, I'm not happy all the time; I'm well aware of that, but considering I've been in a much more obvious good mood compared to before? I almost feel like the depression is fighting back. The chemical imbalance in my brain is saying, "whoa, hold on here. I am top dog in this brain and this 'happiness' is becoming a little too overwhelming for my liking."

I need a vacation. A break from everything. I need a place where I don't have to worry about how much money I have or don't have, where I don't have to worry about work or obligations.

School starts Jan. 3.

So much for getting that break any time soon... At least the residency has finally been adjusted so I only own $1300 instead of $3000. It's actually more like $800-something since I did receive a little bit of financial aid. Still. It's adding to the stress on my already-low funds.

I just want a break ...

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Friday. 12.16.11 3:13 pm
I feel like I should start handwriting my blog entries again. Don't worry, I won't ever leave here. I will still post entries, but I actually hand-wrote an entry last night and it felt pretty good. A different kind of satisfaction from typing out a blog entry.

I'm a bit out of practice on handwriting stuff, but I need to get back in to practice for school.

I'm feeling really out of it today. I hate Fridays. I'm probably the only person who can't stand Friday, but it's true. I don't like the people that I work with and it's usually the busiest day of the week. I also had a bad morning in the sense that I'm stressed about money and not having even close to enough. I have no idea what I'm going to do in order to pay my bills.

I have to completely forget about Christmas. If I don't have enough money to eat or put gas in my car how am I supposed to spend the extra on gifts for people?

Ugh. I hate this. I know how I ended up here, but there's nothing I can do to reverse it. I just hope I get some kind of break. I need a break. . .

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