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My mantra
Thursday. 1.4.07 10:36 pm
Today was not as hard as I thought it would be to keep from crying. Although I have a feeling my tear ducts were still pretty dry from last night. Oh well.

I think I'm getting sick. My throat is sore. It hurts to swallow and I'm coughing and sneezing. Everyone in the house was sick at one point or another and now that I'm back from my vacation, the cold is catching up to me. Ugh. I guess I'll be buying some Nyquil tomorrow after I get off work. Luckily I have Saturday off so I'll have the day to rest and do nothing {except my usual laundry}.

However, tomorrow is Friday and it'll most likely be busy. Fuck. I really don't feel like re-living my vacation by having to explain how it was and what I did to all the people who I didn't see today. It'll get me all depressed again.

Joey did exactly what I thought he was going to do. He tried to provoke me. He did, however, sound somewhat sincere when he told me he missed me. Whatever. And when Gary showed up he decided since it had been two weeks, he was also going to piss me off, but in his words "messing around".

Which brings me to my mantra. Whenever I come across something that pisses me off or someone that I want to punch, I will repeat these words over and over in my head "6 more months". The number will obviously change as July draws near, but you get the idea of the mantra.

~~> okay, if you're looking at the time I started this entry and compare to the time its been posted, I took a shower. I just wanted to clarify that it doesn't take me that long to write an entry <~~

Anywho, after I got off work, I went to the bank to cash my paycheck. Last Thursday was payday, but seeing as how I wasn't here, I had to wait till I got back to get my check. Normally, when I get my check, I deposit most of it and get some cash back so that I can buy food and such {I hate using my card}. This time, I just deposited the whole thing. I got a good amount of tips this week {or I guess it was from last week, not sure} so I'll be able to survive off of that until I get paid again.

There was one thing that happened today that was pretty funny. Ya know that department store Guess? Where you can buy clothes and stuff? Well, Tori was talking to Joey about how she bought this pair of jeans. This is the exact quote from her and Joey's exact response: Tori: "I bought a pair of $118 jeans from Guess." Joey: "Uhm... I dunno?" He didn't realize that Guess is an actual store! It was pretty funny just how clueless he was. If you didn't find it that funny, just think about it. Put it into a scenario with you and one of your more clueless friends. You'll laugh.

Alright, I ran out of stuff to say. My eyes are still dry so I don't know if tears will flow as easily tonight. Besides, with my throat feeling the way it does, I don't think crying would help it all that much. Oh well.

Like my mom said, I just need to get through one day at a time. I'll manage. I'll hate it, but I'll manage. I'll write again tomorrow.

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Back in Hell
Thursday. 1.4.07 1:19 am
I just got back about an hour and a half ago. I hate it. I don't want to be here.

The flight was crowded. On Southwest there are 3 seats across in each row. Every seat was full. I didn't get a window seat, so I had to stay at least somewhat composed. If I had gotten a window seat, I could have put my head against the window pretending to look out and let the silent tears fall. But I had to wait till I got home.

I'm hoping that was the last time I'll have to fly between Tucson and Las Vegas. I'm hoping next time I make the trip out to Vegas its in a car and it'll be leaving Tucson for good, with all my stuff with me.

Lance picked me up like was arranged. He bought me McDonald's, since I haven't had anything to eat since around 6:30pm yesterday. I didn't finish the sandwich. I couldn't. I was too upset. Maybe tomorrow I'll eat something.

He helped me upstairs and stayed for longer than I was expecting. I didn't want to tell him to leave so as not to be rude. But I would have if he had stayed much longer. Thankfully someone called him and he had to leave. As soon as the door was shut I broke down again.

The tears flowed freely. No one around to see or hear. I was going to call my mom, but I purposly just text messaged her so that she wouldn't hear me cry and make it upset her.

I have a feeling this will become a nightly thing, for at least a little while. Its going to take everything in me not to cry at work tomorrow. Especially with Joey provoking me. I can't just ignore him either. It doesn't work that way with him. If you ignore him, he thinks its a game and will work harder to get your attention.


Grr. A fresh wave of tears. I'm thinking tonight that I'll just end up crying till my eyes are dry. Whatever. Its good to cry every now and then. And crying this morning doesn't count cuz I had to conceal it due to the fact that there was still someone in the house.

That's one of the things I really like about living on my own. No one to bother me when I don't want to be bothered. Its a big conveniance.

I had other stuff I wanted to say, but I was talking to my mom and got sidetracked. So now I don't remember. Oh well. I'm sure I'll think of it eventually. In which case I'll be back on to write another blog.

BTW: thanx to Silver-Dot-, Nuttz, lazypuppy, and randomjunk for the supportive words. It actually made my mouth twich up in an attempted smile.

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As it slowly sinks in...
Wednesday. 1.3.07 3:47 pm
*~I warn you now, this is not one of my most pleasant blogs cuz I'm not in the best mood right now~*

Well, I leave back for Tucson tonight. The reality that its actually going to happen is here. And the depression is starting to sink in more deeply. I've been avoiding it the last couple days by not thinking about it at all. But now that the day is here I can't avoid it anymore.

I don't want to go back. No, I really REALLY don't want to go back. I don't even think I can put into words how much I don't want to go back to Tucson.

What depresses me even more is the fact that I have to go back to the same piece of shit job and deal with the same shitty people. I realize that I can find another job, but I'm going to be moving in July, if not sooner, so there wouldn't be much of a point.

I already know that Joey is going to throw in my face that it was my choice to move away from my family and its a mistake to want to go back. What he doesn't realize is that, yeah sure I'm living on my own, but I'm lonely. I don't have anyone there, except maybe a few friends, that aren't even all that close. When I move back out to Las Vegas I'll be getting a place of my own, but I'll have family. I won't be lonely.

I already know that I'll be putting in my two weeks at the end of June. I think I might work the first week in July, but it depends on when that last pay period before July ends. I'll work the last full pay period before July and then I'll be done with that place forever.

Mom said that she, Lori, and Tony would come up with the car and Jean's truck if need be to help me move back here. I don't really have all that much, since I'm not going to be bringing furnature. I'll just buy all new stuff once I get out here and settled in.

The only thing, literally the only thing keeping me from moving out sooner is the fact that I'd have to break my current lease. And in keeping my credit as good as possible, that would fuck it up. Not a whole lot, but since I still don't have that much, it'd be a decent size glitch. If I want any luck at all in the future when it comes to getting a car or renting another place, I need to keep my credit as good as I can possibly keep it.

Alright, I still have some stuff to say, but I'd basically be repeating myself. Besides, the last wave of tears has sstopped and I don't want to risk causing another wave right away.

Sorry if I brought any of you guys down; I did warn you though. I'll be back on later.

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so...uhm... yeah
Tuesday. 1.2.07 10:32 pm
I couldn't think of a title.

Today was the last full day that I'll be in Las Vegas. Today was also pretty much the last chance I had to do anything. Even though I won't be leaving until 7:30pm, I need to be at the airport about 2 hours before the flight leaves and it takes about an hour to get to the airport from the house. Mom has to work tomorrow and doesn't get off till 3. Which means she doesn't usually get home till between 3:30 and 4. Which means we won't have more than an hour before we have to leave to bring me up to the airport.

Its so depressing; the thought of going back.

Especially now that I've already gone to a couple apartment complexes to get information on move-in deposits/requirements/fees and such. I've got a pretty good idea on which complex I am going to try and move in to. Both the ones I have my eye on are in the same general area {one is right up the street from the other} and they both cost about the same. The deposits and stuff are slightly different, but monthly rent is about the same. They're both gated and seem well upkept.

There's only one thing stopping me from moving out sooner than July. And that's the fact that I'd have to break my current lease. I don't want to do that cuz it doesn't look good on apps when applying for another apartment. That is literaly the only stopping me from moving out of Tucson earlier than July. I don't have more than a few good friends out there and I certainly won't miss my job.

Alright, I'm seriously getting depressed thinking about how long it is till July.

I don't even want to talk about the stuff I've done already cuz that'll depress me knowing its over and how long it'll be before the opportunity comes again.

Ugh! I hate how this works.

I know that I need to be patient and wait it out for my benefit, but I've never been good with patience. I've gotten slightly better at it over the years, but only a small fraction.

Grr. I don't even know what else to say right now. If I figure out anything else to say I'll just post it under a differnt name.

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Tuesday. 1.2.07 1:21 am
I ended up only looking for apartments online rather than actually going out. Most of the offices were closed though, so it would have been a waste of time. Tomorrow, however, is just any other ordinary day when everything should be open again.

We did go out to Wal-Mart and Target. I bought more earrings since the last ones I bought were too small and sucked in general. The ones I bought tonight were 14s, though, so I had my sister shove them through the already gauged 16s. She told me that was the last time she was going to do it for me. If I'm going to be doing anymore gauging, I have to do it myself. It only makes sense though, since I'm going back home in two days. Ugh! Depressing.

Anywho, at Target I bought a pair of pajama shorts and matching pants. They're really comfy. I also bought more white out {I only use pens when I write and I've been out of white out for quite some time}. And I bought these really cool gel pens that write a certain color, but turn out with a silver outline. The silver will rub off if you touch it though. I used to use those pens to write on myself... and I would get in trouble almost every time I was caught.

Since my sister has school tomorrow and my mom has work, I'll be alone in the house for a while in the morning. Not sure what I'll do, but I'm pretty sure it'll involve being on the comp most of the time. Oh well.

I guess I'm out of stuff to say. I'll most likely write more tomorrow.

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my first blog of the New Year...
Monday. 1.1.07 6:23 pm
This would have been much much earlier had my wireless connection for my laptop not gone all screwy. It decided it wanted to stop working around 11:30 last night. I was so pissed I almost threw my computer. But since I have some control, I just dropped it onto a bunch of blankets and pillows. I finally managed to do something {not sure what} to get it working again. Now I'm almost afraid to leave it for too long.

Anywho, the plans I have today are simple. I am gonna be going apartment hunting. I won't be able to move back out here till my lease is up at my other apartment {lease-breaking doesn't look good on other lease apps}, but I'm sill going to be looking into what I have to do and have to get an apartment out here. I'll also be filling out applications online, or at least looking through to see what's available and certain requirements needed.

I really really want to work at the Venetian in the Blue Man Group theater. Mom casually asked the other night and found out that you have to be 18 or older {I'm 20} to get a job there and most of the people working are college aged kids. So that's sweet news. I just have to have luck.

Other than that not too many plans are going into affect for today. My vacation is coming to an end only too quickly. I don't want to think about it. It depresses me.

Well, I have to take a shower so that when my mom gets home from picking someone up, we can go out. I'll be back on later tonight {granted my internet is still working}.

Happy New Year Nutang!

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