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s.w.i.r.l.
Saturday. 10.25.14 12:37 pm
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Shut out
Friday. 10.24.14 5:50 pm
I read somewhere that you are more likely to have bad dreams when you're sleeping in a cold environment. Perhaps that's why the dreams I've been having these past few nights have been quite unwelcome. And I thought they were based off the fact that I was watching American Horror Story before going to sleep.

I wish there was a way to completely shut out the dreams. I don't even want the good ones right now. I just want to sleep without any interruption. There are a million different articles that tell you how to work to remember your dreams, how to become lucid, how to have more. Rarely do you see anything on how to not have any at all. Sure, there are plenty of articles to tell you how to avoid dreaming of certain topics, but I want them gone. Or, at the very least, if I can't completely avoid them, to not be able to remember anything about them.

I picked up my glasses, again, today. They seem to be okay so far. I'll give it a couple more days. I didn't really notice the dizziness until I went to work so by Sunday I should know whether these are the final ones. I'm going in for contacts the middle of next month. Even if I don't wear them all the time, it'll be nice to have them as an option.

After picking up the frames, I went for a walk. It's not the walk that I had intended on doing, but it worked just the same; provided the same kind of atmosphere with probably a much more welcome outcome than what I originally had planned. It would have been a 'too close for comfort' type of thing.

Funny, the fight or flight response that our bodies go through when faced with sudden changes is bouncing back and forth between flight and fight for me right now. There's a part of me that still wants to run and hide and pretend like that would make everything better. At the same time, however, I want to charge right in to battle and face this issue head on. Bring it all on at once, get it all out of the way and be done with it. But that's never going to happen so I just sit and wait it out. Time will eventually do its thing.

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Codes
Thursday. 10.23.14 7:34 pm
We have a code system at the hospital {I should get used to calling it a clinic; they're eliminating the departments that keep the hospital licensing upheld} that most hospitals and clinics use; some of them are much more common than others, such as a Code Blue {cardiac or respiratory arrest} or Code Red {fire.} A Code Silver is something you never want to hear because that means there's a hostage situation. All of the codes are bad, to some degree, but most of them are short lived or end up being false alarms.

We had a Code Orange today, which means there was a chemical spill. Now that sounds bad, and as I said, it can be, but it has to be the least interesting of all the codes we have to respond to. In the 4 years I've been there, no chemical was spilled on anyone and nothing more than a cup was spilled. Essentially, security has to just stand there and babysit the area until the spill can be cleaned up. It's more boring than a patient standby; at least in that instance you're watching a person.

This entire week was actually very uneventful. It was like the epitome of security defined. Now that it's over, I'm thankful it was that way. I did want dull and boring. Apparently that's seeping in to every aspect of my life ...

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Anniversary
Wednesday. 10.22.14 8:51 pm
I did absolutely nothing to celebrate the anniversary of my first full day in Seattle. I came home, took a nap and have been sitting in front of the computer since. It hasn't stopped raining, which is fine; I like this kind of weather. However, I have become acclimated to living here enough that I'm perfectly okay enjoying it from inside rather than doing what I can to be out in it. I was so deprived of the moisture from living in the desert that I went out every chance I got, despite the crappy weather and freezing temperatures {to me 58 was freezing, since it was still a solid 30 degrees higher in Vegas.} Now, 58 just requires a light jacket and if the conditions are right, the sleeves can be pushed up.

I have to go out after work tomorrow. It's not exactly what I wanted to do, but Mother Nature has apparently decided she wasn't going to leave me alone after last month. I haven't needed to buy those kinds of supplies in over a year; hell, I had to ask my sister how much they cost these days because I haven't even looked. It's really annoying. And I thought I had finally moved on from the stress of last month. Clearly I was mistaken.

Tomorrow is going to be interesting, to say the least. I'm going to be miserable the entire day and I'll have to deal with whatever bullshit gets thrown my way at work. That place already makes me miserable, without any added features.

Ugh.

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Theif
Tuesday. 10.21.14 5:54 pm
I want to steal something. I know exactly what I would take and there would be very little evidence left behind. I won't do it, however, but not because of why you might think. I don't have any kind of moral issue with this. That's not what's keeping from going in to that room and taking what I want. No, I won't do it because karma has a way of biting back way harder than it should. I've discovered this recently and I'm not willing to test its power quite so soon.

Come to think about it, I've never stolen anything of any kind of value. Sure, I've taken home my fair share of tissue boxes and I have a stash of gloves that I didn't buy, but none of those things would be noticed when inventory is taken. The urge to want to steal something has been there, but I'm always afraid of either getting caught or karma catching up to me. So I just sit back and ponder.

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You can't lie to me
Monday. 10.20.14 7:45 pm
The thing about going to a therapist is that you kind of have to tell the entire truth. If you withhold information, details and such, you're only lying to yourself. The therapist is an unbiased party, and a good one will be able to read the signs that you're holding back. You go to them for help; they are there to help you and can only do so if you let them know what's going on.

This guy that I went to is definitely not like the guy that I went to a couple years ago, but it didn't go horribly. I don't think he focused on the wrong things, like the first two I experienced in Seattle, but I'm not sure how I feel yet. I'm going to give it a couple more visits before I make a permanent decision about it. He wanted to see me next week, but financially it's not possible until after I get paid again. I still have to go grocery shopping and pay a couple bills.

It's funny, I'd rather see a male therapist because I feel they would be able to offer a different kind of perspective than a female one. I get that they've all been trained to be a certain way, but the two therapists that I went to in the beginning were female and I didn't like how they handled themselves. Seeking help from a male therapist just provides a better outcome, at least for me it does.

A lot can happen in the next two weeks. There's also a possibility of nothing happening in the next two weeks. Either way, I still feel like I'll have a lot to talk about the next time I go see him.

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