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Tuesday. 1.6.09 4:48 pm
Seriously ...

just meh.

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Saturday. 1.3.09 10:27 am
I've come to admit that I have a problem. I think I've known about it for a while, but I've just not been willing to admit what I've been doing. And either I've ignored him or he's just not said anything about what I've been doing.

I realize and admit that I am not properly prioritizing. I am thinking about myself, but in the wrong way. It seems, as of late, that every single decsion I make revolves around whether I'll be able to see Jacob.

My shift hours changed and all I could think about was how I won't be able to see Jake for that long before he goes to work. I'm being offered a better shift to work on and all I can think about is that I won't be able to do the same things with Jake as I've been able to do.

I go to this place or I drive here or hang out with this person, it all goes back to Jacob.

I have a problem.

I guess because I've let it go on for so long, it hurts to even think about working on fixing it.

Him or I moving out will probably be the best thing that will happen to us. It'll severly limit our seeing one another, but it seems to be the only way. I have no refuge, no retreat that I can go to just to get away for a few days. He's not the only one who wants to be alone. He just ... wants it more than I do.

I have to work on doing things for myself where my mind doesn't immediately focus on Jacob. The thing is, I want our relationship to keep going. I don't want to take a break or break it off.

Physical seperation from each other seems to be exactly what we both need, though. Not easy to do when you live together and neither one has a place to go. Or money to get away for a few days.

I need to talk to him about this. It's something that's bothering me and I know it's bothering him. I can only hope the result ends up tolerable.

A better blog will be coming soon. He bought Blue Man Group tickets for me and him for Christmas. We're going to the show this Friday.

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Monday. 12.22.08 3:17 pm
Finally sent out my Christmas cards. I know they're not going to get there by Thursday. Hopefully they'll be there before the New Year.

I still haven't gone Christmas shopping. I have to get it done tomorrow. I'm crazy as it is for waiting, {not entirely my fault; I didn't get paid until this past Friday} but I'm not crazy enough to do all my shopping on Christmas Eve. I've got plans for that day anyway.

Nothing terribly new has happened.

I know, I live such the exciting life. But that's the 'update' I've got for ya so far. Maybe I'll write after Christmas.

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I'm not back yet
Wednesday. 12.3.08 12:51 pm
~~ November 16: Intervention ... I'm brought to the mall to buy a dress. Mind, I hate dresses and I have not worn one, by choice, since I was 6 years old. Hence it being called an intervention.

~~ November 21: The big night ... The dress was purchased. Jacob took me to the Top of the World Restaurant at the top of the Stratosphere Casino/Hotel. It's something that I've wanted to do for a while and we had discussed in the months prior to his spur of the moment plan.

~~ November 21 - 22: The Luxor ... After dinner he surprised me by handing me a room key. I'd also been wanting to stay at the Luxor so he added to the Top of the World surprise by getting us a suite at the Luxor.

Needless to say, that weekend was amazing. It was the best weekend I've ever had.

November 27: Thanksgiving ... I spent the morning and early afternoon with my boyfriend and his mom at the aunt's house. The cousins from Phoenix were in town so I was finally able to meet them. The food was good. The mid-afternoon into early evening, I spent with my sister and her boyfriend at his grandmother's house. Her food was freaking delicious. I definitely stuffed my face there. Afterwards I came home and napped from 7pm-11pm. After my nap, I met up with Jake and his cousins at the bowling alley and bowled until 2am when I had to leave for work.

November 28: The birthday ... Jake's mom's birthday was the Friday after Thanksgiving. The three of us went bowling in the morning; then she went out with friends to a double feature. Jacob and I just hung out at home until around 10pm when his cousin called and asked if we wanted to see a movie. So we met up with him at the theater to see Transporter 3. It was good.

~~ November 29: MINI ... Jake had forgotten his lunch at home that day so I offered to bring it up to him later in his shift. When I did, he, his coworker and I started talking about the fact that I like MINI Coopers. Well, his coworker happens to have a MINI and he let me drive it. I was only allowed to go around the parking lot, but in the empty part of the lot I got that thing up to 60. I'ma try and borrow it this Saturday. I doubt he'll let me, but hey, it's worth a try. I mean, I'll bring it back before he has to go home ... it's not like he can go anywhere while he's at work.

Only 29 more days until 2009.

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Tuesday. 11.11.08 5:59 pm
I knew it was coming. It doesn't stop it from hurting less.

I'll be gone for a while. I just don't see the point anymore.

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Saturday. 11.1.08 4:47 pm
I've been thinking a lot about my parents lately.

It's been 13 years, 4 months and 2 days since the death of my father and though I can go longer without the waterworks, each time it happens, it hits just as hard as the last. Something tells me that's not ever going to get easier. I already know it will never really go away.

I miss my mom. I've never gone more than a couple days without talking to her until now. I haven't really talked to her since my birthday. And with her and Steve sharing a phone, unless I call and actually speak to her, I never know for sure who exactly I'm having a conversation with {text message-wise.} It bothers me. I don't know what it is, but I just don't have a good feeling about this guy. She knows I don't care much for him, but what more can I do? I'm not going to stop talking to her because of a choice she's made. Not when she's been there for me.

Even my step-dad has popped into my head every now and then. Maybe because his birthday is coming up? Maybe for other reasons I'm unsure of. But even him, although I didn't favor him when he first came into our lives, I grew to love him. He wasn't my dad, but he was a father figure, a friend and as much a part of my family as anyone could be. I don't think I let him know that enough when he was alive. It's been a little over 3 years since his death.

Perhaps it's the depression that's making this more enhanced. I don't know. Whatever it is, I don't like being this way.

I sigh a lot. A lot more than a normal person. When my insurance kicks in, maybe I'll have that looked into. Along with every other issue that I have.

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