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Thursday. 8.9.07 9:44 pm
I bought Eclipse today.

Now I just need to finish re-rereading New Moon. I should be able to start on Eclipse tomorrow night.

I've been craving pizza for the last week. I finally got it. Pizza Hut's stuffed crust buffalo chicken pizza. It was tasty.

I've had two DVDs from Blockbuster for over a month now; I should probably watch and return them. Maybe I won't watch them. I'm thinking about just returning them. By the time I get around to watching the DVDs, with my luck, they'd already be on the movie channels and I could watch them then. Oh well.

Anywho, I don't really have a whole lot to say tonight. This way too, it saves you from having to read the same thoughts that I keep repeating like a broken record. And also from having to read a much longer than necessary entry.

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Thursday. 8.9.07 12:38 am
These are just some random thoughts that are going through my mind right now. I don't expect them to make any sense. You don't have to read if you don't want to nor do you have to comment. I would make this private, but no one that I know {aside from maybe my sister} actually read this.

I wouldn't say that I fell in love with him, nor would I even use the word "love," but the feeling that I had for him was stronger than just a simple crush. I don't cry about it anymore; mainly because I can't cry. I have no privacy here. I can't even go outside; the doors chime when you open them and the garage door makes too much noise. He's on my mind every day. Though, due to the time we've been apart, he's not the main focus anymore.

I still get upset when I go a day or night without talking to him, but its to be expected now, especially with him working 10+ hours a day. I can't listen to certain songs because they make me think of him. And there's one movie that I love, but can't watch because its the one movie we went out to the theater to see together. It would make more sense if we had been a couple, if we had been legitimately together, but we weren't so this doesn't make a lot of sense to me, nor would it make sense to anyone else.

A very, very small part of me wants him to go into the service already just so that I know he's unavailable to talk. So that I don't think that he's ignoring me when he doesn't answer a text. But when he finally does go in, I'm pretty sure that'll be the last time I'll hear from him. I certainly hope it doesn't end up that way, but there's a part of me that's afraid it will.

Its getting to the point where I'm refering to it as "pathetic" when I talk about it to Tiff. I'm pathetically hopeless.

Another thing that's bothering me right now is the one out here. Its been 5 years since I've seen him and I haven't yet talked to him outside of myspace messages. I don't even remember what his voice sounds like. He told me that he would love to hang out and that he'd call me when he got back from his camping trip. Part of me is afraid that he won't call. I really want to see him again, but I'm afraid it'll ... I dunno ... go all wrong? I'm not sure what the right words would be. I'm hopeful, but afraid and cautious at the same time.

I know that I'm sounding incredibly repetative {to those few who actually keep up with my blog} with all this, but its still bothering me. And since I'm sort of limited on being able to show my feelings outwardly, I have to resort to this.

I guess that's it for now. Oh, I did some backtracking on my blogs, just for fun, and I do believe I found one of the longest blog entries, ever. It has no breaks and I can't even imagine how long it took me to write out the whole thing. It even beats out etheracide's long entries, by far. Its on the 77th page {last I checked} and the title is "And so it begins ..." The password is lost; I don't really want you to read them, hence the password protection, but I want you to see just how incredibly long it is. Read if you must, but just rememer, those were from over 2 years ago and I was dealing with a bad breakup with my ex.

And with that, I end this entry here.

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Tuesday. 8.7.07 3:15 pm
There is so much going through my mind right now, its almost a little ridiculous. Lets see, I need to call the places that I applied at so that I can see about scheduling interviews; I need to remember exactly when I filled out the ones online so that I can give it a full week to process into their systems {I don't want it to sound like I'm desperate, even though I'm starting to feel that way}; I'm thinking about getting my license; about possibly getting two jobs so that I'll have more money available to me; about when would be a good time to start searching for a car; about when would be a good time to actually seriously look into getting my own place {I know which complex I want to move into; I just need to see if they do 6 or 9 month leases}

I'm also thinking about certain things that are more of a focus than they actually should be: guys; two in specific.
Stuart is still a focus on my mind and there are still things that upset me. I'm working on getting over him and its, at least a little, better than when I left Tucson. I think it might help that we never dated, but I felt for him like we had, even though I knew we didn't. Its sort of confusing. I'm going to have to deal with not talking to him at all soon enough. He'll be going into Marine bootcamp and then he'll be shipped off to Iraq or Afghanastan {I can't remember exactly which} for upwards of at least a year or longer. I don't want to think about that yet though.

Charlie is the other focus on my mind right now. In a sense I'm thinking about him more than I should simply to keep my mind off of Stuart. One of the downfalls in doing so is that its causing me to like him more than I should. I haven't seen Charlie in 5 years and we haven't really talked that much. He has my number, but he hasn't called me and I don't have his number so I can't call him. We've only talked through myspace. He's camping right now, but he said that he'd call me when he got back so that we can work out a date and time when we can get together and hang out. I'm looking really forward to seeing him, but the part of my mind that's afraid it won't happen is keeping my excitement under control. Two parts of my mind are fighting: the one that's hoping he'll like me {which would make it a little easier} and the part that's trying to convince me he won't. The only thing I can do is wait and see. Not an easy task for an impatient person.

I think that's it, but it seems like so much more cuz I can't seem to focus on exactly one thing. And a lot of the things flying around through my mind are repeating themselves over and over, making it harder to focus.

About the only time when my thoughts are not zooming around in my head is when I'm reading and I'm focused only on the book. I had trouble focusing on HP7; though I did like the book, there were parts of it that made my mind wander off. With the Twilight series, however, I am almost completely wrapped up in the book, nevermind that this is the third time I'm reading the them. Its in anticipation for Eclipse {which came out today! yay!!!} which I'll be buying hopefully sometime between tomorrow and Friday.

The way she writes the story, it makes you think that it could be real; and it helps that she sets the story in real places, real locations in the world. Some of the characters, though, are completely fictional {however there are some people who actually believe in vampires and werewolves} The way the story goes it almost makes me want to believe in them. There's a small part of me that hopes there's someone out there that's as perfect for me as Edward is for Bella.

Anywho, I think I've written enough. I shall end this here.

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Sunday. 8.5.07 2:24 pm
Its at this point in time that I'm greatful for books. They keep me distracted. I'm now reading my third book in the last, I dunno, couple weeks. I've still got two more books that I know I'm going to read, as well as finishing the one that I'm reading now.

I haven't talked to Stuart in a few days. It pains me, but I knew it was going to be like this. I really don't know what I want anymore. I know that I want to see him and I want to talk to him every night, like I used to, but I ... I dunno. Reading every night keeps my mind in the book and off Stuart. It still upsets me a little, when I put the book down and look at the clock, knowing that I went another night without talking to him. Ugh, I need to get over him. Its starting to happen, but its still going to take time ... and more distractions.

Another minor dilema I'm having right now is that I'm doing something I shouldn't to keep my mind off Stuart. I'm putting a lot of focus on Charlie. I haven't even seen him yet {and there's always that part of me that's afraid it won't happen.} I've only been talking to him on myspace. But the way that I'm always trying to think about him instead of Stuart is making me like him, probably more than I should. If he doesn't like me in return {which I sort of doubt he would} it could cause for some awkward situations and an unpleasant end to the friendship that we have. I don't want that to happen.

I keep picturing how things would go if he were to like me; it makes for a much more pleasant thought process, but that's all it is though. I need to keep my mind from wandering too far ... but I'm afraid that it already has. Its awesome isn't it? How you always manage to go from one complication right into another.

Anywho, I need to finish reading Twilight and then start and finish New Moon. I don't think I'll be getting Eclipse the day it comes out, but maybe the day after. So I should be occupied with these books for at least another week.

Oh, my b-day is 2 months from today. I'm nowhere near as excited about it as I was 2 months ago or 6 months ago. I think I built it up too much.

Alright, I think that's it for now. I'll write again whenever.

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Friday. 8.3.07 5:29 pm
Even though I was in an air conditioned car most of the time I was out, the heat is still tiring. The fact that I also only got 4 hours of off and on sleep probably didn't help. I can go on 3 or 4 hours of solid sleep, but if its broken up, I have more trouble.

First we went to my mom's work to pick up her check. Then we went to the bank to cash her check and deposit the money that she owed me back into my account. Afterwards we went to Payless so that I could turn in my application {all the others I filled out online} While there, I bought some socks. They're cute; one pair is black with white dots and the other has green and white stripes. They're hecka mucho comfy too.

Once we were done there, we headed over to The Texas Cafe. I got a delicious chicken caesar salad. My sister got a California cob salad and the two of us split shrimp cocktail. My mom got an omelet wtih french toast, hashbrowns and a side of sausage. All in all, it was a decent meal. We played a game of Keno while there; walked away with twice what we put on it {we spent $2, won $4; not a big deal}

After we were full on food we headed up to Target cuz my mom needed to get socks. My sister and I looked around while we were there. I was very tempted to get a few tank tops that looked incredibly comfortable, but since I still don't have a job, I can't afford it right now. My sister wanted to buy a bag since it was on clearance for only $5, but realized that she would probably never use it so she decided against it.

Once we left Target we came home. The only thing that took us way up out of our way was the 25, 30 minute trip to the realiter's office so my mom could pay her rent. There were two minor accidents on the way there. No wonder they call it a suicide lane.

Now I'm home and I'm very tempted to lay down and nap for a couple hours, but that would mean I'd be awake tonight ... again. I need to get out of the habit of staying up till 5, 6, 7 in the morning especially if I'm going to be working during the day. If I get a night job however, it won't be a problem. I'm not really too picky as to what times I work; I just need a job.

I'm out of chocolate again, and I'm almost out of water. I went through a 24 pack of 1/2 liter bottles of water in a matter of only 6 days. Which is normal for me; I usually drink about 2 liters of water a day, if not more.

My icons and task bar on my computer keep disappearing. The window that I have open along with AIM and myspaceIM stay open, but when I go to click on the start menu, the tast bar is gone. I minimize the window I have open and all the icons are gone. The only way I can restart my computer is by ctrl-alt-deleting it and clicking on the shut down option. Its extremely frustrating, especially since its been happening to me 3 or 4 times a day in the last few days. I need to have my computer professionally looked at, but I can't afford it right now. I want it to just fix itself, but I seriously and highly doubt that'll happen.

Alright, I do believe I have made this seemingly pointless entry long enough. I will put you out of your misery of having to read any more by ending it here.

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time wasted
Thursday. 8.2.07 10:54 pm
I was awake at 9:30 this morning, but instead of getting up, I dozed back off and ended up not getting up till almost 2. I should have been up and out doing stuff, but I didn't. I wasted it by sleeping and then doing nothing. I'm such a procrastinator.

I did manage to fill out applications today. I will be going out tomorrow, no ifs, ands or buts. Tomorrow is my mom's payday and I'll be going out with her so that I can turn in what I need to and talk to people that I can. My sister will be coming with us; apparently she usually goes with mom on payday. We'll be going out to brunch while we're out. It should be a nice day.

Since I hadn't heard from Charlie, I mustered up courage and sent him a message asking him if he'd be up to hanging out sometime soon. He responded 'I'd love to, but I'm going camping with family... but if you're still up to it, I'll definately call you as soon as I get back... on the 13th.' So I'm half expecting a phone call from him on or around the 13th. I'm really looking forward to seeing him. I wonder if anything will happen ... *cough*

I still talk to Stuart, but its not every night anymore. I still get a little bothered if I don't talk to him, but its not as bad as when I first got out here. I still miss him a lot and there are certain things I can't watch or listen to cuz it triggers certain memories that upset me, but he's not the main thing on my mind anymore.

I started re-rereading Twilight last night. After which I'll be re-rereading New Moon in anticipation for Eclipse. I'm actually excited about Eclipse coming out, moreso than HP7. Its a good series. If you have the opportunity to read it, do so.

Uhm, I don't really have anything else to talk about so I'll write again whenever.

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