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I had a good title idea for this yesterday, but I forgot
Thursday. 12.3.09 4:42 pm
I recently downloaded Google Chrome. I'm really liking this browser. It hardly ever craps out on me and it's actually much faster than IE and Firefox. One cool thing is the way your bookmarks are lined up at the top for easy clicking. Right now I only have three: NuTang {of course,} YouTube and my Japanese translation site. I haven't found anything else yet that I want to bookmark.

Here's a small, sad reality. I go to Facebook so often that I don't even have to type it in the URL space. I just type "www" and the first option is Facebook. I guess it's convenient in the lazy person's way; I don't have to type out the whole address. You could also that I might bookmark it so its only just a click away also, but if all I have to do is type "www" then what's the point in bookmarking it?

I'm not looking forward to this weekend. I'm sure it'll be stunningly boring. Just as my weekends used to be, a few months ago. Oh well. That's why I have a computer. But even that doesn't do it for me all the time.

I'll have money tomorrow, but only for a brief moment. Once I pay the bills for my car and my car insurance, poof! there goes the money. Word of advice: Don't buy a brand new car if you know you can't afford it!

Wait, I could afford it ... back when I was living with Jacob and only having to pay his mom $250 each month in rent. Everything changed for the worse, in my financial situation anyway.

Ugh. I need to call the people in charge of our benefits to see if they'll cover a therapist. I need to start talking to a professional about this shit. I want a neutral party. I suppose that you could call this site neutral, considering no one I know actually reads my stuff, but I sort of am wanting professional feedback. These people have degrees in psychology and whatnot. I like getting the comments on here, but you all understand where I'm coming from right?

Anywho, I guess that's it for now. Who knows when I'll write again. Oh and I've decided to stay away from Twitter for a while longer.

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*yawn* ... ow =/
Tuesday. 12.1.09 5:05 pm
So after spending most of last night overheated and unable to sleep, I finally was able to cool off enough to get about an hour and a half of sleep before going in to work. When I woke up, I had a sore throat. And when I got to work, I realized that I was bloated. Needless to say, I felt absolutely miserable this morning. The bloating finally went away after a few hours, but those first few hours sucked.

The sore throat never went away, though. It hurts to swallow and to yawn. I'm still okay talking without being in pain, but I'm trying to cut back on my talking so as not to run the risk. I'm really, really hoping it just stays with the sore throat and doesn't worsen. That's the last thing I need right now. I can't afford to take any time off from work so I'd have to either take the cut in pay or go to work feeling miserable and risking getting others sick.

If my soreness worsens I'll have to see a doctor. I'm getting some vitamin C tomorrow and I've got a few Tylenol PM to help me sleep over the next few nights, so hopefully with rest and whatnot, I'll get better in a few days.

Anywho, there's this specific website that I said I would never sign up on because the concept is absolutely ridiculous. And no, I haven't signed up ... yet. Over the last few days I've been contemplating whether to join Twitter. I think that a website dedicated to constantly updating statuses is absurd. I never do it on Myspace and I hardly ever do it on Facebook. So why would I want to sign up for a website that's dedicated to only that? Idk, maybe I've just been bored and have felt like trying it out. I'm seeing if I can go a couple more days without signing up because I know it'll be out of my system by the weekend. Or at least one can hope.

How many of you guys use Twitter and what do you think of the concept of the site?

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torn with indecision
Sunday. 11.29.09 3:56 pm
Reality has come back. My weekend is over and everything returns to normal. Everything, this time. Jacob is back to work today. A normality that he's been looking forward to; a normality that needs to happen. The reality that I need to separate myself from him again. With him back at work I will be restricted to seeing him only on weekends. And not even my weekend.

And it bothers me. I've taken far too much advantage of the last two months. And I will be paying for it now. It shouldn't bother me, but it does. Something that'll I'll eventually talk to him about. It will only take one weekend for it to fully set in. This reality that I've not had to live with for the last two months.

We're both going to Seattle. We're not going together. I asked him about it this weekend and he gave me a straight up, honest answer. I will be going to Seattle alone or not at all. Either way, I won't be going with him. If I stay in Vegas, he'll figure out that I'm waiting for him and he'll leave abruptly. I'm torn between how much longer I should stay in Las Vegas. He's talking about staying here for at least another year. I want to spend as much time with him in that year as possible.

I don't know what to do.

I had a very good weekend, but the alternate reality has come to an end. After spending the time over there, I've realized just how much more I hate coming back to this home. The new apartment will be so much better. It won't be with him, but it's the closest I can get.

I need to just take things one day at a time. One day at a time.

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moving ... again
Sunday. 11.22.09 10:26 am
Wow, I didn't realize how long it had been since I had written anything on here.

As you're probably smart enough to understand my title, I'm moving again. My sister and I are getting an apartment together. I'm so glad to be getting out of this hell hole. I hate living on this side of town. It's really not a good part of town. As you might have realized when I blogged about getting my license plates stolen off my car some odd months ago. This new place is run by the same company, but it's in a much nicer area. I'll be moving back into the same zip code as I had when I was living with Jacob. It's farther from my work, but I'm perfectly happy with that. My sister needed something close to her work since she doesn't have a car and I honestly would rather drive on the highway. This gives me the perfect opportunity to do so.

We sign the lease and get our keys on the 19th of December. I don't care that it's the week before Christmas; I didn't plan on getting anyone anything anyway. I'm probably going to start packing next week just to get my stuff prepared for easy moving when the day comes. It'll be so nice being back on that side of town. I'm very happy with this.

Other than that not much has happened in the last week. Thanksgiving is on Thursday. The only day of the year where everyone can stuff their faces with food and not be considered a pig. I'll be spending it with Jacob and his mom again. My sister might be joining us this year, depending on what she wants to do. I'm looking forward to it ... and not just because the mooch loves food, though that's a big chunk of the reason I like that holiday. It's because I'll get a day off work and I'll be spending it with people I love. People I consider family. It's something to look forward to. Besides, for some reason she got a 20lb turkey. . . for three people. There's going to be a lot of left-overs.

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*le sigh*
Sunday. 11.15.09 7:47 am
Yes, today is another one of those days that I just don't feel like dealing with shit. I don't want to be here. I'm sick and tired of the things that go on at work. I just need to stop and get away.

No, you assholes, I don't want him to leave his wife. Just because I talk to the man and we happen to talk about his family, it does not mean I'm obbsessed with it. And to you, the spectacular fuck up that I don't know who's talking about me, I'm not dating the guy who you're telling everyone that I'm dating. If anything, I'm dating a person that you don't know and will never know.

Is is true that I let people take advantage? Sometimes. If someone needs a ride somewhere, I'll usually do it, even if I don't want to. I've said no, but it doesn't happen often.

After I take my sister to work, I'm coming home and going nowhere else. Today is my day to rest and attempt to relax. I doubt the attempt will be successful. I stress too much over stuff.

Stupid dreams won't let me sleep. In the last week or so I've been plagued with dreams. Ones that I can't remember. Even when I usually can't remember them once I wake up, I remember that when it woke me in the middle of the night I could vaguely remember. But this I just remember that it was dreams that kept waking me up in the middle of the night. For a while I realized that if I had the music off, the dreams would be more frequent and more bothersome. So I started playing the music all the time. Now, it doesn't seem to matter. The only one that I've been able to remember was from last night and just like any other dream, it was strange.

I don't want to do anything today. As if you couldn't tell when I said that I wasn't going anywhere besides taking my sister to work. But I guess I'm just emphasizing how much I don't want to go out anywhere. I have no more food in the house, but that's normal. I'm not hungry anyway. It's one of those where I know I should eat, but I just don't have an appetite so nothing sounds good. Besides, I don't have enough money to buy anything anyway.

I'm sick of this place. I'm sick of my job. I'm sick of it all right now. It'll get better. I just need to get through this. It's not the first time I've felt this way and I'm certain it won't be the last.

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little white lies
Wednesday. 11.11.09 5:05 pm
Those are the ones that seem so harmless, but have the potential to become something much bigger than they are.

It starts when you're a child. "Little Jim, do you know who ate the last cookie?" "Of course not. I didn't see anything." As the little boy tries his best to make sure all of the crumbs are no longer on his face.

You do it to keep from getting into trouble. You lie to protect yourself. It continues on into adulthood. "Do you know why I pulled you over?" "No officer. I don't." As you remember that you should have stopped before the light turned red or that you should have slowed down when the speed limit was reduced.

I don't know. The biggest, most common white lie. Used by everyone, in every language, in every country.

I'm guilty of that particular one. It would get me into quite a bit of trouble in certain areas if I told the truth. 'I don't know' is basically an escape route. You say it when you don't want to talk about something. Playing dumb can be an advantage sometimes, but only in certain circumstances.

I will admit that I usually use 'I don't know' when I'm questioned about something that I don't want to talk about either because it will get me into trouble, because I just simply don't want to give you the answer you're looking for or because I'm embarassed by the actual answer. It's an unfortunate truth and sadly I don't see myself stopping that any time soon.

Have you ever done something that you couldn't even tell one person? Or the one person you could tell was someone that had absolutely no association with you or anyone you know {ie: therapist}? I'm in a situation like that at the moment. So I might be posting a PWP entry at some point in the near future. Just so that I can get it out ... considering I don't have a therapist yet.

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