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the dark day approaches
Monday. 10.1.07 2:33 pm
As much as I don't like it, I can't seem to stop talking about it. My 21st birthday is on Friday. What do I plan on doing? Nothing special. No partying. No going out and getting wasted beyond imagination. No gambling. Well, maybe some gambling, but only because I finally can. I might get a drink or two too, but nothing extreme.

Having lived in Vegas 3 seperate times, I'm used to the casinos. The only thing I don't like, is that I'm confined to specific areas of the casino because I'm not yet old enough to gamble. I have no urge to sit down at a table or a machine, but if I'm in a conversation with my mom, I want to be able to continue it if she stops at a machine. Even if you're not playing, you're not allowed to stand in the area if you're under 21. Its quite annoying. From Friday on, I will no longer have to worry about that.

I have no idea what I want for dinner. I'm actually leaning towards having pizza delivered. I don't want to go out anywhere; someone might slip and announce that its my birthday. Seeing as how restaurants have a bad habit of making their employees sing it, I'd rather spare them the annoyance and myself the embarassment. I don't want anything fancy, nor can I really afford it even if I did want it.

I already know that I want a chocolate cake, but I'm deciding whether I want an ice cream cake or a regular one. At the moment, I'm not leaning more towards one or the other. I have until Friday to decide. Something tells me I still won't be decided by then either.

October seems to be a very popular month for birthdays. My first ex's 21st is today. My friend Thomas's 22nd is tomorrow. My 21st is on Friday. Stuart's 21st is on Saturday. Scott's 21st is on Sunday. My best friend's ex's 20th is on Sunday also. Later this month, Charlie's birthday is on the 26th and then my Uncle's birthday is on Halloween. Its a good thing I'm not close to all of these people. I'd need an awesome paying job in order to pay for gifts for everyone.

Alright, I think this'll be the last entry about my birthday until the actual day. I'll do my best to avoid the topic. I want to avoid the day; unfortunately its impossible.

End of entry.

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entry time
Monday. 10.1.07 12:40 am
I still really don't know what to say so this might be rather cluttered.

I am looking forward to what ikimashokie has got going on in a month. She's got the best idea ever but won't be saying anything about it for a month. She's gotten me quite intrigued by telling me there will be pictures. I can't wait.

Alright, so I still occasionally go to OkCupid.com {I'm not linking it, its not worth it} but I rarely stay long enough for people to catch me on there. Tonight, I was not so fortunate. I decided, though, why the hell not. I'll talk to this guy for a few minutes. He kept trying to get me to tell him all this sexual crap. Once I made it very clear that he wasn't getting any info on me, he turned the convo to more appropriate content. Damn creepy, weirdo internet people.

Tomorrow night Chuck and Heroes will be on. I'm looking forward to it. The premieres were awesome last week.

I've started thinking about what color to paint my room when I finally get moved into it. I'm either gonna go with a blood red color or a darker grey color. I'd paint it black, but since we're only renting this house, black is too dark. I'm definately going to repaint it though.

Uhh, that's it for tonight. I'll write again tomorrow ... or later, I guess, since its after midnight.

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gah! {edit}
Saturday. 9.29.07 10:18 pm
I'm so sick of the internet giving me problems. Only half the web sites I go to are working. Some of them just aren't working at all and others half work. They start to load, get halfway done and stop. Its very frustrating. Its not a virus this time, because I just ran a scan and nothing was found. The internet is just being gay.

Anywho, I am in no rush to go back to Target just to see if I come across Charlie again. The next time I go to the store, I really would like to actually purchase something. Unfortunately, I need a job to provide the cash needed to purchase something. Nothing is looking up.

This Wednesday {the 3rd} the Texas Station Casino is hosting a job fair which I will be attending. I'll be 21 on Friday so I'll be able to tell companies that if they ask when I'd be able to start. I really don't want to start working on my birthday, but I will if I have to.

On Saturday I'll be reapplying everywhere that I already applied at. This will allow me to skip all of the "under 21" questions they have to ask to narrow you down to a specific group. They're quite annoying.

Uhh, that's it for now. I don't know if I'm going to write any more later or not, but right now my mom wants to reset the modem to see if that'll fix the problem. Which means I need to sign off. I'll either write later tonight or tomorrow sometime.

{EDIT} The internet seems to be working just fine now. None of the sites I visit are giving me a problem.
The desktop {the comp with the modem and the router} was saying that there was no internet connection and the router wasn't being detected. Mom unplugged and replugged both the router and the modem and when that happened, my connection was lost and then gained again. It was connecting for me, just not very well. On the desktop, it wasn't connecting at all. So what I had her do was repair the connection and that seemed to work. Both comps have working internet again.

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bad dream gone ... weird
Friday. 9.28.07 9:43 pm
Last night I had a dream that started out bad, got worse and ended up weird. It wasn't necessarily a nightmare though.

It started out with my mom getting a phone call from my older step brother {how he got her number, I'm not quite sure.} He told her that he found out my little step brother had cancer {I don't remember what kind} and that the odds of him surviving till his 14th birthday {he'll be 13 in February} were not likely. It was a very somber atmosphere after that, but the dream skipped ahead. I don't know how far, but it was dark outside and I was out there.

I was walking with someone heading away from a bar or a pub or some sort of restaurant where I could drink {it was after my 21st.} The guy was tall with dark hair and he looked like someone I had seen before in real life, but I don't know who he is. We were talking and when we reached his house, I told him I didn't live that far, I could walk from there. He insisted on walking me all the way home, but I told him that was fine.

He said okay, but once I walked away from his house and got around the corner, he was suddenly right next to me again. I told him again that I really didn't need him to walk me home, that I'd be fine. He said that he didn't know where I lived and he was curious. I said fine, that he could walk me to the driveway; I really didn't need him to walk me to my door.

We get to my house and I say goodbye, thanking him for the couple drinks and walking me to my house even though it wasn't at all necessary. I turned and headed toward the house and he was right by me again, telling me he wanted to come in. I said it wasn't my house, that it was my mom's and due to the later hour I didn't think it would be right for him to come in.

I unlocked the door and went to close it, but he put his hand on the door and stopped me, insisting on coming in. I told him that I wasn't comfortable about it and that he needed to leave. If he didn't I'd not hesitate to call the police. There was a struggle then, for me to get the door shut and for him to get in. That part ended and it skipped ahead again.

It was night out again, but I was in an apartment complex in the parking lot outside my new apartment. I had a few friends over and we were all outside admiring my new self-given gift. It was a motorcycle. I had bought a motorcycle! But I didn't know how to ride one yet. I was simply in the parking lot with my friends, playing around. I would sit on it, put my helmet on and pretend, but it would stay stationary. It was a black bike, with dark blue tinted here and there that you could only see if the light hit it in the right place. Not a crotch rocket, but still a sports bike. It was nice.

Then the dream ended and I woke up. See? Bad dream gone weird. Oh well. It was just a dream.

Anywho, I can't get Charlie off my mind. I almost wish I hadn't seen him. It would have been easier. I wouldn't have a very clear picture in my head. I'd just have the pictures on his myspace to go off of. Unfortunately I saw him and now I see him in my head quite clearly. Ugh.

Alright, that's it. I'll write again whenever.

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tonight
Thursday. 9.27.07 10:04 pm
Alright, tonight my mom broke it to Jean that she and Steve have a month to leave. Surprisingly, she didn't react as badly as we all thought she would. But Steve also hasn't told her yet that they won't be finding a place together. That's when shit will hit the fan.

During the time that mom used to talk to Jean and Steve about them having to leave, Lori, Tony and me went out to Target. While there, we wandered around clothes for a while, headed over to underwear and ended in shoes. Basic "girly" stuff. Tony dealt with us wandering through clothes and underwear, but when we started to head over to shoes, he left us to head over to electronics.

I wanted to be home by 8 so that I could watch the premieres of My Name is Earl and The Office. On our way out of the store, I saw someone who I never thought I'd see, especially there ... working. Charlie. Charlie works at Target!

When I pointed it out to Lori why I had stopped talking and who it was I was staring at, she told me she had seen him a few times throughout the store while we were wandering around. Either it was a really odd coinsidence or he was following me. Either way, it was really weird seeing him. Ha, I thought he'd be taller.

Anywho, part of me wants to go back to Target so that I can try and see him, but then again, I don't know if I want to. Ugh. I kinda want him to contact me, but I doubt very much if he will. Oh well.

Alright, that's all I have for tonight. I shall write again tomorrow.

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Maybe this is God's way ...
Thursday. 9.27.07 7:16 am
... of telling me that I shouldn't have left Tucson.

~ This is the 4th or 5th time that the cat has decided to use my bed/blanket as a litter box.

~ I've been here 2 1/2 months and I still don't have a job.

~ I still don't have my license because we got into a car accident the day after I got my permit and the car, though still drivable, is messed up. And I've been afraid of driving since.

~ I'm completely miserable, but can't do or say anything about it because there are people all around me. ... and cutting is bad for you.

~ Out of the 4 other people in this house, only one person seems to care about my well-being.

My depression seems worse than it has been in a couple years. I'm not happy here. I knew that I wouldn't be very happy coming into this situation, but I didn't think it would be like this. I had plans and goals. None of which I've reached. The way I had it planned out, I would have been marginally happier living out here than I currently am.

The only thing I seem to be able to do right now is ask why? and not get an answer back. What the fuck does God have planned for me that is keeping me in this misery? Why am I dealing with all of this? What the hell is the reason for all of this?

What did I do to deserve this?

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