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The weather
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Disconnect
Wednesday. 8.10.16 5:45 pm
I didn't call on Monday. I called today instead. I avoided it for two more days; then I lost my shit on a friend over something so stupid, I'm almost questioning my own sanity, so I came home for lunch and made the call. 3 weeks. I can make it through 3 weeks, right? I mean, I've gone 4 years. I can make it through 3 weeks...

I need to give myself, and my friend, a reset period before any further communication happens. It'll be safer for both of us. I don't need to have a repeat of today. Or really a repeat of any of the unnecessary outbursts I've had recently. It's not fair for anyone. I've spiraled too far, and need have better control over my emotions. When one gets upset over something as stupid as Facebook, {when 99% of the time, I give zero fucks} one needs to step away and get her shit under control.

This weekend is wedding number two, the fancier wedding, and then I have the Night Nation 5K run that evening. I'll have to make sure I stay disconnected on Sunday so that I can reset before work. It's extra important right now for me to not overwhelm myself with social activities because I'm too on edge. I don't trust myself enough to be able to keep things under control if I push too much.

After talking about how I was glad that we're having a mild summer, the forecast for the remainder of the month seems pretty steady between the 70s and 80s. I guess that's fair. August and September are the final hurrah months for Mother Nature. It either cools off quickly, or it becomes the 'dog days of summer.' I guess as long as it still cools off at night, and doesn't get to 90, I'll still consider this a milder summer.

Due to the need to disconnect, I'm looking incredibly forward to the two weeks that I'll be able to get away. Even if I don't have the money to just go crazy on things, I will be away from work. I will be away from my home. I will have my own agenda. I'll be able to disconnect and relax. Hopefully I'll be able to come home recharged and refreshed, with a clear{er} mind.

Until then, I can make it through 3 weeks... right?

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New resolve
Sunday. 8.7.16 1:16 pm
I've been in a very weird headspace recently and though I'm sure I know at least one of the main causes, it's more complicated than just that. I've been talking about going back to therapy for a while now, but I've never actually gone through the motions of finding a new therapist. Due to the fact that this weird headspace has increased in the last week, I need to finally act on my words.

I'll be making the call tomorrow, probably during my lunch break, and I'll see if I can get paired with someone who was in the same group as the therapist I saw 4 years ago. The guy I had been seeing retired, and possibly went back in to private practice. I'm not sure if there's even a way to find out if he had; his name is too common to look up and get any kind of useful results {believe me, I've tried.} I'l be asking the person I end up talking to tomorrow, and then again to the therapist I get paired with, because I'm fairly certain the scheduler won't know anything. Which is fair; as a scheduler myself, I know very little about my providers' histories.

The strange dreams have started to increase again, as have the nightmares. Yet another reason to get back in to seeing someone. I'm far more stressed than I should be and it's making itself well known in my subconscious. I think part of the reason I've been this way is because my job may be getting to me. Well, not the job itself, but the fact that I have to put on a happy face and pretend like I actually enjoy helping the people standing in front of me. On the busy days, the happy face has to be kept on longer and longer, which pushes my patience. I liked the seclusion of the call center because I didn't have to pretend. I mean, I can make my voice sound happy when my face reflects something very differently. It's kind of a weird situation, though. I don't miss the job that was the call center, but I miss the seclusion. I actually quite like my current job, save for the lack of seclusion.

One thing I am incredibly thankful for is the fact that this summer is much cooler than at least the last two summers we've had here. It's only in the mid 60s today, overcast, with a cool breeze. It was like this yesterday as well. I haven't had to use my fans very much, and the nights when it is still pretty warm, there is enough of a breeze to make it at least bearable.

Maybe I should get back to going to the gym. I don't feel like it was making a difference, mentally, but maybe it was and I just didn't realize it?

Anywho, I'm getting distracted because the Blue Angels are back out to make their final run. Hopefully today's show is more exciting than yesterday's. It's still pretty overcast, but the clouds look to be a little higher, so maybe the people on the Lake will get more of a show. I'm staying inside today, just listening to the sound of the jets flying above. Once they're done, however, I'll be diving back in to my book.

Until next time. . .

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You get what you ask for
Wednesday. 8.3.16 8:25 pm
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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So soon?
Monday. 7.25.16 8:11 pm
This will just be a short one, compared to the last one. It's nearing the end of July; we technically have less than a week to go. It's strange to think about the fact that we are more than halfway through the year. I'm excited for 2017. It's an odd year, and that makes me happy. 2015 was a good year. 2016 has been ... boring really isn't the word {since there's several things that have happened.} Maybe subdued is the word I'm looking for. Especially in comparison to last year. Last year was just about quantity, this year I'm more focused on quality. It's really gotten me nowhere but frustrated, but I'm holding my ground.

I think the only really big thing this year is the whole turning 30 thing. I'm not nearly as excited about it as I was this time last year. Or even really at the beginning of this year. I'm not nervous or scared or anything of that nature. I'm just kind of feeling indifferent about it, like I seem to be feeling with most things these days. I'm just a giant ball of apathy lately. And bitterness. Apathy sprinkled with bitterness. Lovely, right?

Summer is officially here; it's going to be in the 80s all week. Not exactly something I'm looking forward to, but hey, it's taken this long to get to this point. It means that there's only maybe a month and a half left of this and it'll be back to normal Seattle. Unlike last year, where I felt like I was back in the desert again.

Jacob sent me a thing earlier today that said "Your future self is watching you right now through your memories." I showed this to a coworker {the one who's wedding I'm going to next month} and he said it's very sobering to think about. It's kind of true. You look back on things that have happened in your life, and then you realize that 7 months, 3 years, 15 years from now, you will be doing exactly the same thing on this moment in time. Maybe not the exact details, but you'll look back and think about the events of 2016 and feel things. What things? I can't imagine. I'm not there yet. I'm not my future self yet.

Anywho, I'm gonna leave it here. Until next time. . .

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Uhm, hi there
Thursday. 7.21.16 8:38 pm
I didn't realize that it's been almost a whole month since I last wrote anything. I also feel, at the same time, that it's been longer than a month. Either way, I've been just as good with keeping up with these as I am with keeping in touch with people ...

Let's see. Nothing too terribly exciting to report on, honestly. I ended up stopping the 3x/week gym visits. I've been doing some random work out things at home, but mostly just being back to my lazy self. All last week, starting from the Friday before last, was like an entire fat kid week. I ate out almost every day, and I ate crap. It's amazing that I didn't gain more than a pound. I'm back on track with the eating now, mostly because I'm now broke.

I purchased my plane ticket for my VA trip this Autumn. I'm excited, but because I have trouble actually showing excitement for most things, people don't seem to believe me that I'm actually excited. I think the only time my coworkers have ever seen me legit excited about something was when I was showing them all of the roller coasters at Cedar Point, along with some of the world record holders, and my very first major coaster. It may have scared them a little.

I've been reading again. I finally finished the book I started a couple months ago: All the Light We Cannot See. It was good! I really enjoyed it; it was much deeper than what I'd normally read, even for fiction, but it is something I will likely read again. After that, I borrowed One Day. Another book that I absolutely loved. I actually plan on purchasing that one for myself at some point. Currently, I'm reading a book called Homegoing. It's good so far, but it's kind of challenging to keep up with the story line, as it jumps around generations. I'm looking forward to finishing it, possibly this weekend. My friend, who is letting me borrow all of these {except the first one named} already has a list growing of what I'll be borrowing next.

Hmm, oh. Last weekend I bought a nice dress for the wedding I'm attending next month. I still need to get something for the wedding I'm attending next week, as they are two very different themes, and the fancy one doesn't fit the beach one. I'm actually pretty excited to wear the new dress; I hope that I can have things happen {ie: dates} where I can wear the dress to as well, rather than just the once for the wedding. Who knows on that one though, as my love life is currently nonexistent again.

Last weekend I also went to my first ever musical. It was really entertaining! It was a comedic musical, so it was supposed to be funny, but I'm glad that was my first one. My friend, who lends me the books, is trying to turn me in to her musical buddy. I'm fine with going to the shows. It gives me an excuse to get out of the pod and experience new things. The 5th Ave Theater is also a really nice theater.

On top of last weekend being busy, I've plans for at least the next 3 weekends, with tentative plans the on the 4th weekend. I must make sure that I get some downtime during these periods, otherwise I'll have another panic attack; those are never fun times.

I'll try to write at least once a week, so that I can keep these entries a little shorter. I won't have to write out about as much. This actually turned out to be much longer than I intended, but I'm glad I did it. I guess it really was a good time to write. The thoughts just kind of flowed out of my brain and in to my fingers. Good for you if you read through the whole thing.

Until next time...

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Silly girl
Tuesday. 7.5.16 9:54 pm
"Silly girl, don't be upset that he prefers roses over daisies. You are an entire garden of your own, and someone someday is going to come along and fall in love with every single bit of it."

I think my garden has been filled with Venus Fly Traps, Poison Oak, and a Titan arum. Or two.

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