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In the stars
Monday. 8.15.16 8:24 pm
In speaking with my friend today {hi, you, if you're actually reading this, now that you know about it} about zodiac signs, I read up on my Chinese zodiac and it basically says that this year is just a shit year for me. It makes so much sense now. Well, not really, but whatever. It's something that I can tie to having a shit year without having to put much thought in to why. It says why, right there. It's in the damn stars. Since he's half Chinese I suppose it makes sense as to why it was brought up alongside the Astrological zodiac. Between being a Libra and a Tiger, I've got a lot of angst going on here.

Anywho, the wedding was nice. It was, as expected, very churchy. I was rather uncomfortable sitting through the ceremony. Lots of scripture readings, Psalms, God talk, lots of 'amen's,' and the giant cross behind them helped nothing. I was alone for the ceremony because one of the other people invited text me that morning saying she was sick, and her close friend {also invited} stayed behind as well. The other coworker who'd been invited was running late due to a blowout that her kid had right before leaving. So lucky me, I got to sit awkwardly alone.

The reception was nice; the food was all homemade, except the cakes. I'm glad that at least someone made it to the reception, otherwise I'd have just gone home. I'm really uncomfortable in a church setting. I have been for well over half my life now. Mostly why I want my own wedding to be outdoors. That and Autumn colors are amazing.

After we finished, and said one more round of congratulations, we parted ways and I headed back home to relax for a short bit before heading back out again. It's been in the 80s+ this last week and I'm realizing that I jinxed myself in saying that we were having a mild summer. Mother Nature is giving me a giant 'fuck you' right now because it's supposed to be in the upper 80s, and 90s, for most of the remainder of the month. Long story short, it's been hot.

I tried to cool off a little bit, unsuccessfully, before heading back to Puyallup for the Night Nation 5K. I met up with a friend from work; this was her first fun run. It's actually, technically my first fun run as well, since there was no timing chip. It was really just for fun. I went mostly to support her, partly because I'd not done any kind of charity-driven run this year. She did really well! I'm quite proud of the fact that she pushed through, kept pace with me most of the way. I even got her to jog a little! It was a slow jog, but she's just starting her fitness journey, so I made sure not to overdo the pushing. It was also still hot, despite the fact that the sun had set, and there were a LOT of people there.

Because of the incredibly busy day Saturday, and the fact that I was out until around 11, I needed Sunday to decompress. The internet was out for a majority of yesterday, so I took advantage and finished the book I'd borrowed. I exchanged it out for another one today, which, of course I left at my desk. I think of all the books I've borrowed from her, I've maybe remembered to bring home 2 on the day that I received it. All the others I'd forgotten at my desk. Oh well. I wasn't planning on reading tonight anyway. I had to go grocery shopping and take a shower. As is I'm already eating a late dinner. Soon as my hair is dry I'm going to attempt to sleep.

This weekend I only have plans on Sunday, so I'll probably take Saturday to relax. I have plans Wednesday after work; I'm looking quite forward to those. It's been a while since I've seen my best friend, and although I'm going to be seeing her on Sunday, we agreed we needed another time prior to it.

There's really no organization to this entry, and it's starting to make my head hurt... so I'm gonna end it here before it becomes a jumbled mess.

Until next time. . .

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Wednesday. 8.10.16 5:45 pm
I didn't call on Monday. I called today instead. I avoided it for two more days; then I lost my shit on a friend over something so stupid, I'm almost questioning my own sanity, so I came home for lunch and made the call. 3 weeks. I can make it through 3 weeks, right? I mean, I've gone 4 years. I can make it through 3 weeks...

I need to give myself, and my friend, a reset period before any further communication happens. It'll be safer for both of us. I don't need to have a repeat of today. Or really a repeat of any of the unnecessary outbursts I've had recently. It's not fair for anyone. I've spiraled too far, and need have better control over my emotions. When one gets upset over something as stupid as Facebook, {when 99% of the time, I give zero fucks} one needs to step away and get her shit under control.

This weekend is wedding number two, the fancier wedding, and then I have the Night Nation 5K run that evening. I'll have to make sure I stay disconnected on Sunday so that I can reset before work. It's extra important right now for me to not overwhelm myself with social activities because I'm too on edge. I don't trust myself enough to be able to keep things under control if I push too much.

After talking about how I was glad that we're having a mild summer, the forecast for the remainder of the month seems pretty steady between the 70s and 80s. I guess that's fair. August and September are the final hurrah months for Mother Nature. It either cools off quickly, or it becomes the 'dog days of summer.' I guess as long as it still cools off at night, and doesn't get to 90, I'll still consider this a milder summer.

Due to the need to disconnect, I'm looking incredibly forward to the two weeks that I'll be able to get away. Even if I don't have the money to just go crazy on things, I will be away from work. I will be away from my home. I will have my own agenda. I'll be able to disconnect and relax. Hopefully I'll be able to come home recharged and refreshed, with a clear{er} mind.

Until then, I can make it through 3 weeks... right?

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New resolve
Sunday. 8.7.16 1:16 pm
I've been in a very weird headspace recently and though I'm sure I know at least one of the main causes, it's more complicated than just that. I've been talking about going back to therapy for a while now, but I've never actually gone through the motions of finding a new therapist. Due to the fact that this weird headspace has increased in the last week, I need to finally act on my words.

I'll be making the call tomorrow, probably during my lunch break, and I'll see if I can get paired with someone who was in the same group as the therapist I saw 4 years ago. The guy I had been seeing retired, and possibly went back in to private practice. I'm not sure if there's even a way to find out if he had; his name is too common to look up and get any kind of useful results {believe me, I've tried.} I'l be asking the person I end up talking to tomorrow, and then again to the therapist I get paired with, because I'm fairly certain the scheduler won't know anything. Which is fair; as a scheduler myself, I know very little about my providers' histories.

The strange dreams have started to increase again, as have the nightmares. Yet another reason to get back in to seeing someone. I'm far more stressed than I should be and it's making itself well known in my subconscious. I think part of the reason I've been this way is because my job may be getting to me. Well, not the job itself, but the fact that I have to put on a happy face and pretend like I actually enjoy helping the people standing in front of me. On the busy days, the happy face has to be kept on longer and longer, which pushes my patience. I liked the seclusion of the call center because I didn't have to pretend. I mean, I can make my voice sound happy when my face reflects something very differently. It's kind of a weird situation, though. I don't miss the job that was the call center, but I miss the seclusion. I actually quite like my current job, save for the lack of seclusion.

One thing I am incredibly thankful for is the fact that this summer is much cooler than at least the last two summers we've had here. It's only in the mid 60s today, overcast, with a cool breeze. It was like this yesterday as well. I haven't had to use my fans very much, and the nights when it is still pretty warm, there is enough of a breeze to make it at least bearable.

Maybe I should get back to going to the gym. I don't feel like it was making a difference, mentally, but maybe it was and I just didn't realize it?

Anywho, I'm getting distracted because the Blue Angels are back out to make their final run. Hopefully today's show is more exciting than yesterday's. It's still pretty overcast, but the clouds look to be a little higher, so maybe the people on the Lake will get more of a show. I'm staying inside today, just listening to the sound of the jets flying above. Once they're done, however, I'll be diving back in to my book.

Until next time. . .

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You get what you ask for
Wednesday. 8.3.16 8:25 pm
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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So soon?
Monday. 7.25.16 8:11 pm
This will just be a short one, compared to the last one. It's nearing the end of July; we technically have less than a week to go. It's strange to think about the fact that we are more than halfway through the year. I'm excited for 2017. It's an odd year, and that makes me happy. 2015 was a good year. 2016 has been ... boring really isn't the word {since there's several things that have happened.} Maybe subdued is the word I'm looking for. Especially in comparison to last year. Last year was just about quantity, this year I'm more focused on quality. It's really gotten me nowhere but frustrated, but I'm holding my ground.

I think the only really big thing this year is the whole turning 30 thing. I'm not nearly as excited about it as I was this time last year. Or even really at the beginning of this year. I'm not nervous or scared or anything of that nature. I'm just kind of feeling indifferent about it, like I seem to be feeling with most things these days. I'm just a giant ball of apathy lately. And bitterness. Apathy sprinkled with bitterness. Lovely, right?

Summer is officially here; it's going to be in the 80s all week. Not exactly something I'm looking forward to, but hey, it's taken this long to get to this point. It means that there's only maybe a month and a half left of this and it'll be back to normal Seattle. Unlike last year, where I felt like I was back in the desert again.

Jacob sent me a thing earlier today that said "Your future self is watching you right now through your memories." I showed this to a coworker {the one who's wedding I'm going to next month} and he said it's very sobering to think about. It's kind of true. You look back on things that have happened in your life, and then you realize that 7 months, 3 years, 15 years from now, you will be doing exactly the same thing on this moment in time. Maybe not the exact details, but you'll look back and think about the events of 2016 and feel things. What things? I can't imagine. I'm not there yet. I'm not my future self yet.

Anywho, I'm gonna leave it here. Until next time. . .

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Uhm, hi there
Thursday. 7.21.16 8:38 pm
I didn't realize that it's been almost a whole month since I last wrote anything. I also feel, at the same time, that it's been longer than a month. Either way, I've been just as good with keeping up with these as I am with keeping in touch with people ...

Let's see. Nothing too terribly exciting to report on, honestly. I ended up stopping the 3x/week gym visits. I've been doing some random work out things at home, but mostly just being back to my lazy self. All last week, starting from the Friday before last, was like an entire fat kid week. I ate out almost every day, and I ate crap. It's amazing that I didn't gain more than a pound. I'm back on track with the eating now, mostly because I'm now broke.

I purchased my plane ticket for my VA trip this Autumn. I'm excited, but because I have trouble actually showing excitement for most things, people don't seem to believe me that I'm actually excited. I think the only time my coworkers have ever seen me legit excited about something was when I was showing them all of the roller coasters at Cedar Point, along with some of the world record holders, and my very first major coaster. It may have scared them a little.

I've been reading again. I finally finished the book I started a couple months ago: All the Light We Cannot See. It was good! I really enjoyed it; it was much deeper than what I'd normally read, even for fiction, but it is something I will likely read again. After that, I borrowed One Day. Another book that I absolutely loved. I actually plan on purchasing that one for myself at some point. Currently, I'm reading a book called Homegoing. It's good so far, but it's kind of challenging to keep up with the story line, as it jumps around generations. I'm looking forward to finishing it, possibly this weekend. My friend, who is letting me borrow all of these {except the first one named} already has a list growing of what I'll be borrowing next.

Hmm, oh. Last weekend I bought a nice dress for the wedding I'm attending next month. I still need to get something for the wedding I'm attending next week, as they are two very different themes, and the fancy one doesn't fit the beach one. I'm actually pretty excited to wear the new dress; I hope that I can have things happen {ie: dates} where I can wear the dress to as well, rather than just the once for the wedding. Who knows on that one though, as my love life is currently nonexistent again.

Last weekend I also went to my first ever musical. It was really entertaining! It was a comedic musical, so it was supposed to be funny, but I'm glad that was my first one. My friend, who lends me the books, is trying to turn me in to her musical buddy. I'm fine with going to the shows. It gives me an excuse to get out of the pod and experience new things. The 5th Ave Theater is also a really nice theater.

On top of last weekend being busy, I've plans for at least the next 3 weekends, with tentative plans the on the 4th weekend. I must make sure that I get some downtime during these periods, otherwise I'll have another panic attack; those are never fun times.

I'll try to write at least once a week, so that I can keep these entries a little shorter. I won't have to write out about as much. This actually turned out to be much longer than I intended, but I'm glad I did it. I guess it really was a good time to write. The thoughts just kind of flowed out of my brain and in to my fingers. Good for you if you read through the whole thing.

Until next time...

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