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Worn out
Thursday. 2.7.13 5:46 pm
I'm not only physically exhausted, but emotionally as well. Unfortunately there's no way to turn it off. Sleep seems to be the only escape at this point which is something I'll be doing very shortly.

The jog today went a little slower than last time, but I was able to keep going for longer. We'll see how Sunday goes.

Work was annoying. Work is always annoying. I can't wait till I find a new job. I haven't looked in a week or so. I need to start searching again.

This is shorter than the recent entries, but with it being the start of my weekend and the fact that I have all of $.97 to my name until tomorrow there's no reason to stay awake.

Until tomorrow. . .

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The mind works in weird ways
Wednesday. 2.6.13 7:10 pm
Last night I went to bed early, around 8:30-ish and was wide the fuck awake just after 11. My brain seriously ran wild with thoughts. I started looking up different things on Google. Random things such as pet friendly apartments ... I don't have any pets. I was also looking up prices of two bedroom apartments ... I live alone. Why would I need all that extra space? And I don't have anyone to live with ... nor do I know anyone who would be a roommate for me. Nor would I be able to afford a 2 bedroom on my salary. Hell, I'm nearly a two bedroom's rent in debt right now! I wanted to keep looking up more things, but I had to fight the urge so that I could sleep for work.

I finally hid the phone and forced myself to try to focus on the rain in the background or the hum of the heater. I think I fell back asleep sometime around 12:30 or 1. Then I was awake again, but I refused to look at the time in case I only had a short period of time before my alarm went off. If I knew how much longer I had, I would have been focused on that and probably wouldn't have been able to fall back asleep.

I was feeling better today than yesterday. Just tired, which is normal for me. With the exception of a couple hours at a time, like last night, I am almost always tired. And yes, I've had my iron levels tested as well as my thyroid and both tests came back negative for any issues. It's probably due to the depression, but hey, if that's one of the only daily side effects, I think I'm okay. The extreme sadness and/or mood swings don't happen on a daily basis.

I will probably be going to bed early again tonight; I sure as hell am tired enough. I didn't go running, but the lack of sleep from last night and the lack of a nap is aiding in my being super tired. Hopefully tonight I'll be able to sleep through.

This weekend will be a busy one, but I shall still find time to update! I cannot miss a day this month; not with there being a NuTang challenge on top of my personal one!

Until tomorrow. . .

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The hardest part...
Tuesday. 2.5.13 4:48 pm
... about writing an entry is figuring out what the title is going to be. Hence the reason why I used so many numbers over the last month.

Today started out shitty. I felt so tired/drained that I seriously could have just cried. Since I was at work, however, I didn't get the opportunity. So instead of crying, I broke out my defense mechanism and started being antisocial and snippy with the people whom I had to come in contact with. It's not exactly the best way to deal with a problem; I admit that, but it's better than crying while on the clock.

Toward the end of the shift, I started feeling ever so slightly better, but as soon as I got home, the feelings came rushing back and I just felt emotionally exhausted. I started to almost cry again. I called Jacob and he went for a jog with me. He was nice enough to get out of bed so that I wouldn't have to go alone. I told him he could go back to sleep, but I think he could tell in my voice that I needed someone to be with me.

The jog helped a little more. I figured out that I need to work on my pacing more. I am apparently improving enough that my body automatically wants to go faster, but then I get winded more quickly. If I keep my pace level right from the get go, I should be able to continue on without getting winded as quickly. Thursday I will test this theory.

I'm in the middle of watching Bones right now, but I paused it so that I could write this. I may go to sleep after I finish watching the episode {I can already feel myself starting to fall asleep} and I didn't want to risk missing out on writing an entry.

The weather is going through the same kind of mood swing I am ... it's gone from raining to cloudy to windy to sunny back to cloudy and windy and back to rainy. I think the sun came out like 6 times today. It's ridiculous.

Anywho, I think I will finish watching the episode and depending on how I feel either go to bed super early or play a game to pass the time and go to bed early. I'll let you know what ended up happening.

Until tomorrow NuTang. . .

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Actual Monday, my work Tuesday
Monday. 2.4.13 6:16 pm
If you people haven't put two and two together, my work schedule is Sunday through Thursday. I like to mess with people at work by telling them what day of the week my work schedule is on and watch them get confused when it's a day off from when it actually is.

Have you ever wanted to catch someone in a lie so that you can feel more validated and not just a nit who is over-thinking everything? It's probably not a healthy way to be, but it's how I feel.

I really should find myself a new therapist with this new medical insurance, but I'm afraid more than anything. After seeing the one that I was for over a year, I feel like no one else will be good enough and I'll have to explain everything over from the beginning. I really need to find out exactly how much money it would cost me to continue seeing the therapist that I was. Remind me to make that phone call tomorrow, seeing as how customer service is now closed.

I'm feeling better today than I was yesterday, but I also got to come home and take a nap after work. Jogging tomorrow after work. Whether alone or with my jogging partner, I still have to go out. {amelie, that's how I keep up with the motivation. I have someone go with me} I've come to the conclusion that I'm not jogging to lose weight. I'm jogging to get fit; to get better at jogging. If I really wanted to be exercising to lose weight, I would not be eating pizza biscuits or Trader Joe's dark chocolate peanut butter cups. At least I have that distinction out of the way.

Yeah ... I had something else that I wanted to type up, but now I can't remember. Oh well. If it comes to me later, I'll jot it down so that I can include it in tomorrow's entry.

Until then. . .

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*yawn*
Sunday. 2.3.13 8:52 pm
Most of my posts will be done in the evenings. Perhaps not quite this late in the evening, but still later in the day. It makes sense because I work in the mornings and I usually am busy with something directly after work {whether it's jogging or napping, it's still something; just all depends on the day.}

I had a really off day today when it came to jogging. I was planning on doing a double interval set, but I just wasn't feeling it. I struggled with just the one, but I completed it and called it a day. I almost started crying because I felt like I had failed myself, but Jacob gave me a pep talk and it helped. I don't think he realized I was ready to cry. Hopefully Tuesday is better.

Apparently the Ravens won the Super Bowl. Yay for the East Coast..? Honestly I'm not even interested in seeing what commercials played this year. Since '08 when I got rid of my cable, the urge to watch the commercials became less and less each year. Apparently it's reached the point where it just doesn't matter to me. I mean, if I had been invited to a Super Bowl party, then sure, I definitely would have been interested. However, that would mean someone else paying for the cable bill at the simple fee of me bringing some snacks/drinks. Perhaps next year there will be more of an interest. It all depends on where my life has taken me at that point.

Anywho, I think that's it for me today. Nothing else of interest happened that I feel needs to be reported.

Until tomorrow NuTang. . .

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Feb. 2
Saturday. 2.2.13 4:06 pm
I went to the Veggie Grill earlier this afternoon to grab some grub ... and totally forgot to mention that I was there for PAWS ... See, if I had actually said something about PAWS, 50% of the money spent would go toward this charity. It's the whole fucking reason I went in the first place and I completely forgot to mention it. Apparently I was just too set on ordering the food that it clearly slipped my mind. Ugh.

On my way home, I stopped at Trader Joe's and got some dark chocolate peanut butter cups and they were giving away left over Christmas cookies so I took a box of those too. Now I have snacks to get through the rest of the week until payday. Also, now that I know the Trader Joe's has a free parking garage, I may be shopping there more often. It's on the way home, after all.

My annoying ass neighbor just got home so of course the first thing he does is turn on his Godawful music and blasts the fuck out of the wall. It's one thing when you can hear the bass coming through the wall, but most of the time I can hear the lyrics clearly as if I was playing it in my room. And I put up with this bullshit why? Because in order to get him to turn it down, it would mean having to speak to him. So I suffer through the shit that he plays just so that I don't have to ever come in contact with him.

I got my taxes done last night, but because of the whole school thing, apparently there will be a delay in when it's funded. Which sucks because I could really, really use the money now, but I guess it's just the procedure with school funds. At least I know that I have the money coming. According to the email I should get it sometime the beginning of March. I am hoping for sometime sooner.

Anywho, I think I've written enough for the day.

Until tomorrow. . .

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