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mixed emotions
Wednesday. 9.19.07 1:37 pm
Last night I went to bed around 3:30am, but I didn't fall asleep until closer to 4am. I went to bed with my recently usual hopeless attitude with the knowledge of the phone call I had to make this morning. I decided not to take Nyquil last night and I ended up only getting 3 hours of sleep. I was awake at 7am.

I layed there for about an hour and when I didn't fall back asleep, I decided to just get up. Another hour goes by, I made the phone call I didn't want to make. After listening to the annoying automated menu, I finally reach an actual person. I state that I have a road test scheduled for tomorrow at noon and due to unforseen circumstances, I wouldn't be able to make it and if there was a way I could rescedule.

The woman I spoke to was very helpful, but told me that the next open date for a road test wasn't until November 1st. Not exactly what I was hoping for.

That news had left me bummed out so when my phone rang and I saw a number that I didn't recognize, I thought to myself, "great, yet another wrong number. Just what I need." When I answered, the person calling asked for me. This definately caught me off guard so I was hesitant in answering back.

It was the manager from Radio Shack calling to see if I was still interesting in getting a job and if I'd be able to come in for an interview. Since it was very off guard, I wasn't able to go in today, but I have an interview scheduled for tomorrow morning at 11am.

I had a sudden burst of excitement which soon turned into nerves once I was able to calm my adrenaline. I know that I'll be fine during the interview, but its something different from what I'm used to and I always get nervous. Once I'm in a routine, I'll be perfectly fine. But its that initial start that I have trouble with.

Anywho, there's this made-for-TV Disney movie called Cadet Kelly. I don't like the movie, nor do I like Hilary Duff. I watch the movie so that I can see Shawn Ashmore. He's pretty much one of the hottest guys ever ... in my personal opinion. He's more commonly known for his roll as Iceman in the X-Men Trilogy {which I haven't seen, but I have every intention on doing so} That brought up a rather funny conversation between Tiff and I. I only wish I hadn't X-ed out the IM before I copied the exact excerpt. But here's the gist of it:
~ me: you know what makes him even better?
~ her: wha?
~ me: he's got a twin brother! double the hottness! =]
~ her: yea? when did that happen?
~ me: uhhh ... the day they were born?
~ her: lqtm, you know what I mean. when was that mentioned?
~ me: lqtm, but I just love being a smartass. and I saw it on IMDB.

I just thought that part was funny. He's 7 years older than me though. Not that I'd ever, ever have any kind of chance to even meet him let alone get anything more out of the situation. Its still a thought that crosses my mind. That's the luxury of dreams ... anything can happen in them.

Uhm, I changed the playlist I have on bug. I got sick of listening to the same old music I usually listen to so I put together a playlist of mostly non-rock related songs. I couldn't help but put a few on there, though. Its most of the older songs I used to listen to and never stopped liking. Some of them are newer, but only a few. Like I said on the entry there, if you have any songs that you think would be good for the playlist, feel free to leave it in a comment or message it to me.

Alrighty, I think this entry is long enough. I shall write again whenever.

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Tuesday. 9.18.07 5:08 pm
Well, I won't be taking my road test on Thursday. I'm going to call tomorrow {since its closed now} to reschedule it for the Thursday after my birthday. Charlotte needed to get her brakes worked on and we haven't heard from her yet today. I don't know how comfortable I'd feel taking a test after only driving her car for one day.

That's yet another thing to add to the list of bad shit that's happening to me. The only good thing about taking the test after my birthday {and this is literally the only good thing about it} is that I won't have that red strip above my name stating that I'm under 21 until a specific date. It would be cheaper than having my license before I'm 21 and then getting another one after I'm 21 so that the red strip is removed.

I can't win for losing. I already know that I'm not meant to live in Las Vegas, but does the fucking town have to continuously rub it in my face? Do they have to keep rejecting me in everything I try and do?

What the fuck kind of good is going to come of all this bad? And I sure as hell would love to know the reason behind all of the bullshit I'm dealing with.

Ugh. This is going to be a rather short entry because if I make it any longer, the ranting will just get worse and eventually I'll end up just repeating myself.

I hate feeling this way. I just wish there was something that would happen to put some spark of hope into me.

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lying dormant
Monday. 9.17.07 4:14 pm
So I've realized that I'm not in recovery from my cold; that its only lying dormant in my body. I can feel the cold there, but its not showing its ugly face yet. Its like a volcano that lays dormant, but it continues to smoke for weeks, months or even years before it finally errupts. I'm hoping that this cold either finally errupts or simply blows over. The way my luck has been going, I won't be lucky enough to have it simply blow over.

I've also reached the point of no return. I have tonight, tomorrow and Wednesday to be able to drive with enough confidence in myself that I'll pass the test; maybe not with flying colors, but enough to not have to repeat it. Tonight I'll be taking mom's car and Tony's car {if he's up to it} and heading up to an empty parking lot to practice my parallel parking. Something I doubt I'll ever have to use. But since I need to know it for my test, I need to know it well enough to pass.

Even though I've not driven since the accident, I still have a feeling that I'll pass the test without much issue. I apparently have a bunch of subconscious confidence in myself that is refusing to show itself while I'm still awake. Hopefully I'll be able to consciously be aware of the subconscious confidence the day of my test.

Anywho, the entry that I was planning on writing under blackfire or bug isn't going to happen. At least not right away. The internet was giving me problems again last night and by the time it decided to start working again, I had lost my train of thought. I can tell you that its about Stuart, but I'm not sure exactly what about him anymore. Maybe in the next few days I'll remember how I wanted to word it, but until then, you {and me} are going to have to wait.

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recovering + random ramblings
Sunday. 9.16.07 10:18 pm
I'm in recovery from my cold. The only reason its not lasted longer is because I've not been doing anything except sitting on my ass. About the most strenuous thing I've done in the last two days is the dishes. Whoo, and we all know that's definately the way to keep yourself sick. Ha.

Its sad really. I have so much to do that the most exciting part of my day is by doing the thing I hate most. I get over a cold in a matter of only a few days as opposed to the week or two that it normally takes. I would much rather have a job and be sick for 2 weeks than have all the time in the world to sit and recover and take care of myself.

In other news, the blister on the inside of my cheek still hurts. Last night it was bugging me so much that I couldn't smile. Hard thing to do when watching SNL. Its a little better today, but not by much.

My sister brought home a fundraiser for one of her choir trips. I'm going to be buying chocolate peanut butter bears and coconut filled chocolates. Mom said that I can pay her back when I get the money. I have every intention on doing so.

I'm thinking about buying a mini refridgerator ... I think I've already mentioned something about this in a previous entry. I hate not being able to refridgerate my chocolate; it gets all soft and melty when it isn't. Blah.

I'm watching the Emmy Awards right now. Its sort of funny when they stage something that's supposed to be completely random. Kanye purposely sang his song wrong so that Rainn would win. It was a little humorous. I also liked that Stewie and Brian opened the show. Other than that, the awards are not holding much of my interest.

I've lost a few pounds ... I'm not quite sure how. I can only hope that it stays that way with me losing weight. Also the blisters on my Achilles tendons are healed so I'm able to wear shoes again. Possibly tomorrow or Tuesday I'll be walking to the apartments to go swimming.

Hmm, what else can I randomly put in here. . . I can't think of anything else. Well, I can, but its not for this entry. I'll be putting it either under bug or blackfire ... not sure which yet. You'll find out as soon as I post it.

Till tomorrow. . .

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its official
Saturday. 9.15.07 2:54 pm
I'm sick. Though not as bad as my mom is. My sister and Jean are recovering from the cold and Steve is lucky enough to have dodged it, though for how long I'm not sure. Lucky bastard.

Anywho, yesterday another piece of a tooth came off and now the edge is all sharp and its scratching up the inside of my cheek. It feels like I bit my cheek and that I keep biting it. Its on the side of my mouth that I can't use to chew food {yet I can still chew gum ... you figure it out} so it doesn't affect my eating at all. Except that the up and down movement my jaw makes while eating ensures that the sharp edge continues to scrape at my cheek.

This isn't the first time its happened so I know that within a week the blister will heal and the sharp edge will no longer affect my cheek, but its that first week that it feels really weird and it hurts at times. I already know that I need to see a dentist and that he'll {or she'll} tell me that I need surgery. Well, I'm not ready for surgery yet so the dentist will wait. Besides, I don't have the money ... for anything right now, so its going to have to wait whether I wanted it to or not. Also, when I do have the money, I'll be seeing a regular doctor and a gynocologist first. Those two things are a little more important to me than seeing a dentist.

I'm through the first two parts of the Vampire Lestat. I have 5 more parts to go plus an epologue and an extra 3 chapter part that, I guess, didn't fit into the rest of the book. So basically I've got about 400 more pages to read. Normally, if I was into the book, I'd be able to finish a 400 page book within 3 nights. But I'm not into this one like I usually am, so it'll take longer.

I have a feeling that I'm going to have to reschedule my road test seeing as how my mom is sick and she's not wanting to go anywhere. I don't blame her for wanting to rest, but this is something that's important. I have today, tomorrow, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday to practice in Charlotte's car. In actuality, I don't have today or tomorrow or Monday because she's working today and tomorrow and after she gets off work tomorrow she'll be driving to California and won't be back till very late Monday. So technically, I only have two days to get the hang of her vehicle before I'm tested. So much for staying calm about it.

Alright, I dunno what else to say so I will write again whenever.

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inhalation of the bug
Friday. 9.14.07 4:42 pm
I do believe I am getting sick. My sister's boyfriend got sick quite a while ago and eventually my sister got the bug. Then Jean caught the bug and now my mom is sick too. My throat is a little scratchy towards the back and I'm sneezing, but other than that, nothing too serious.

The sneezing thing isn't too bad cuz I've been sneezing since I moved back. And I can still breathe through my nose without much issue. Only when I bend over and stay there for any length of time does my nose start to run or get blocked up. But when I stand up, my nose clears.

But I have a feeling that I caught the bug. This will be the second time this year that I've gotten sick ... that I can remember {the last time was in January just after I got back from vacation} Another great downfall in living with people. Whatever bug they have gets spread around in the air everyone breathes. Usually I'm not suseptable to these things, but with me not going out and working, my immune system is starting to weaken.

Ugh. Nothing seems to be going right. I haven't met any of the goals set for myself and whenever I try it, something goes wrong te prevent me from reaching my goal. I came out here with the intention of finding a job by the beginning of august. Its been two months since I moved here and not even so much as a phone call.

Another goal was to have my license by the end of August or the beginning of September. My road test is next week {about a month off from my goal}, but due to the car accident the day after getting my Nevada permit, I've been afraid of driving.

I already know that I won't be going to Tucson for my b-day, as I had hoped and started to plan. I won't even be celebrating out here with the friends I've made while working, because I'm not working and I have no friends out here. Yet another plan shot. And if you remember, I had been quite excited about turning 21. Not anymore.

I really hope that once I get my license, I'll be able to take the car and widen my job search area. I'll be able to apply anywhere once I turn 21 because I'll be of age to work anywhere. Right now, I can't even think of applying at a convenience store or a casino because you need to be 21 to get the required work cards to work in those places.

Bah. Alright, I'm done complaining for now. I'll write again later. Hopefully next time I'll have something good and happy to talk about rather than my own despair.

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