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welcome to my mind ...

The weather
A constant state of being.
My Unkymood Punkymood (Unkymoods)
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Monday. 8.29.16 7:39 pm
Once I get back from my vacation, some things are going to change. If the things I wanted to do in regard to this change didn't cost money, I'd start immediately. For now, however, I will wait it out the next 4 weeks, relying on free methods until then.

Sunset is before 8pm now, and it's nice being able to take a shower earlier without being afraid of making the heat in my apartment skyrocket. It's nice being able to go to bed at 8:30 if I want to, because it's actually dark enough to be able to easily fall asleep.

Today got warm, as predicted, but 81 didn't really feel that hot compared to just a few days ago when it was 91. It's 80 in my pod right now, but with the fan blowing, I'm getting chills. There was a slight hint of frost in the air last night and I may have actually fallen asleep with a smile on my face. Autumn is my absolute favorite time of year. I'm aware of the fact that we still have 3 weeks left of summer, but knowing that Autumn is so close ... just makes me happy.

Maybe it's a subconscious thing, going all the way back to childhood, as to why this time of year is my favorite. My birthday is in Autumn, and as a child that's one thing that you look forward to. Even though I don't much care about the birthday part anymore, I still very much look forward to this time of year. Things start to cool off, the winds change, the sun sets in a different part of the sky, birds migrate, snow dusts the mountaintops, colors change. If I am ever to get in to a relationship again, this is my favorite time of year for cuddles.

The other things I wanted to bring up the other day, I feel, have kind of been resolved. So I guess there's no need to bring them up. I finally admitted to what I'd been avoiding saying out loud to anyone, and it feels better getting it out, saying it out loud so to speak. It was in text, but that's still saying it to someone else. Not sure what will happen next, but I guess I'll find out.

This weekend is PAX weekend. It's my first ever convention and I'm ... anxiously excited. I know there's going to be A LOT of people around. Luckily, I'm not going alone. I'd likely end up having an panic attack in the middle of the floor, and someone would have to call 911. That definitely wouldn't aid in conquering my social anxieties. I'm going with a small group of friends, but the one friend I'm going to be hanging with most of the time. She's going to be going with me to a panel in the morning, and I'll be joining her for a panel she wants to go to in the afternoon. It's the least I could do for her being okay with sitting in for the one I want to see. This will be the determining factor, however, as to whether I want to go to any other conventions ... really ever.

Anywho, I think I'm gonna take advantage, again, of the earlier setting sun and call it another early night. Here's to a reasonable Tuesday.

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A change in the winds
Saturday. 8.27.16 6:22 pm
It's finally cooled off. Monday is supposed to be the warmest day of next week. It may get over 80. I guess it depends on the winds. I'm really hoping we're done with the days over 90. I mean, I guess if summer needs to have a few more days where it needs to prove it's still around, 80s is fine. I'm just very ready for Autumn.

I'm a month away from my trip. I have to remind my aunt that I'll be flying in at the end of Sept and let her know what days I'm actually staying with her. I don't plan on telling my uncle until I'm actually out on the East Coast that I'm visiting. In case I end up not being able to drive to NY, I don't want to get his hopes up. I have no solid plans. Honestly, I'm not really sure how much money I'll have until the Friday before I leave. That'll be the check where I'll have a good chunk of play money. The check right before I go will have to be the rent check. Unless I can work out something with my apartments ... but I kind of would rather know I have money when I get back from my trip. I'll need groceries for at least a week and a half before I get paid again. I dunno. I'm sure things will work out.

Friday is my therapy appointment. I'm really not sure how I feel about it. I think I'm more just hoping that I connect with this one so that I don't have to worry about finding someone else.

There were other things I wanted to write about, but I think I'll just wait. Now just doesn't feel like the right time.

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Over it
Thursday. 8.25.16 8:22 pm
It got up over 90 again today. It's supposed to be hotter tomorrow. I'm done. No more over 90. . . It's just too damn hot for Seattle. It's still kind of amusing to me that I used to think that 90 was 'cooling off.' I've definitely acclimated to the PNW. It's become my home.

Things seemed to have calmed down... and have pretty much gone back to the way it was before, minus the fact that I'm freaking out. I'm just going with it at this point. I'm not holding back, but I'm not pushing. I guess blowing up and getting all of my frustrations out at one time is all I needed. Unfortunately, it's not the best way to handle it, and it happened a few weeks shy of my therapy appointment. Which, no doubt, would have prevented said explosion. Oh well. It happened. I can't take it back. I have a feeling he's just kind of waiting for it to happen again, which is fair, I suppose. Other than not letting it happen again, I have no way of convincing him that it's not going to happen again. In the meantime, I go with the flow, wherever that flow takes me.

In other random, unrelated news, I have taken the next step toward rebuilding my credit. I have applied, and was approved, for a new credit card. After the shit show that fucked up my credit when I was in my early 20s, I'm going to be taking SO many precautions to keep it from happening in my 30s. The whole point in getting the card was so that I could rent the car with it. It's generally better to rent a car with a credit card, rather than a debit, for reasons I don't remember. But I know that if I charge the card, then pay it off over a few months, it'll make the numbers go up. Which is what I need. Especially if I want to eventually buy a house.

I've also, even more randomly, picked out what day I want to get married. Never mind the fact that I'm *still* painfully single. This is completely normal to think about, right? Ugh. I wanted this; I wanted to stay single for at least 2 years. That time frame is coming to a close in a little over a month, and so I guess my mind is starting to wander to the future, and what kind of crazy adventures it may hold. Either way, I'm going to laugh pretty damn hard if I actually get married on this new date that I have in my mind.

Tomorrow is finally Friday. This week started out rough. Today was probably the most mellow of them. I have a feeling tomorrow is going to be like yesterday. Not the worst day of the week, but definitely not without stress. Monday was by far the worst. I actually got drunk. Alone. On a damn work night. The last time I remember doing some stupid shit like that, I was 19. Tuesday was then, consequently, rough. At least tomorrow is Friday. Whatever shit gets thrown our way {working on the floor with the GI department, I hope this is never a literal statement} at least I can just keep reminding myself that it's Friday.

Like last weekend, this one is supposed to cool off drastically. I'm looking so forward to it. I much prefer the cooler weather. I'm hoping that, with the exception of these too fucking hot days we've had recently, that the cooler than normal summer is a sign that this winter we may actually get snow. I was so excited when I first moved up here to have snow; it's maybe happened twice where it was worth anything to talk about. I mean, there was kind of a flurry or two this past season. Most of the snow stayed on the mountains.

I guess nothing else worth talking about is going to happen... as I've just sat here staring at the screen {and playing Pokemon...} without thinking of anything else to write about.

Until next time. . .

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Sunday. 8.21.16 8:29 pm
Last week was a really long week ... but I've been doing things to occupy my mind, and I'm going to try my damnedest to not have another ... I don't really even know what to call it. Outburst seems too tame. Tongue lashing isn't really fitting either. I basically told my friend to fuck off in a lot of words. A lot of words. A lot of unnecessary, uncalled for, words.

It's my own fault, really. After realizing I was getting nowhere, I should have just stopped. Did I? Ha, of course not. I don't quit that easily. I push and push and push until I push way too far, at which point it all blows up in my face. I guess now I'm just trying to see where this actually goes. It's kind of at a weird ... cordial point right now. I'm still not quitting, but at least I'm not freaking out anymore.

On a different topic, I've reached the 40 lbs lost mark. I only have 5 more left until I reach my official weight goal. I should have that gone by the time I go on my vacation. Which, I think was actually my original goal point. I wanted to be back to where I was before I turned 30. So, being cautiously optimistic, I'm pretty confident in saying I'll be able to reach that goal. I gained roughly 45 lbs in 5 years, and I've lost almost all of that in about 14 months. I'm pretty damn proud of this fact.

The heat wave finally broke last night. It was much cooler today. Exactly how a Seattle summer should be. The 80s is pushing it, but the 90s is just too much here. It was nice having to turn off my fans and pull up another blanket. Going out today I didn't feel like I was going to melt.

I met up with some friends at the Pacific Science Center to go wandering through the Art of the Brick exhibit. Lots of LEGO sculptures. It was pretty nifty seeing what one person has done with just these inconspicuous bricks. Of course I took a bunch of pictures. I think the only reason I wouldn't is if it weren't allowed, like with King Tut. Although, I do feel like I appreciated the ancient artifacts a little more than the LEGO displays... a lot of them were versions of popular pieces, paintings and such; famous works of art. The ones that were created specifically for a personal reason, I read those descriptions more.

It's back to work tomorrow ... I'm working with two floats. I'm already unhappy about it, but I guess I can make it through one day. I kind of feel like depending on how shitty tomorrow is, I may get some sushi after work. We'll see.

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I fucked up. Again.
Tuesday. 8.16.16 6:10 pm
Just like 2 years ago, I can't come back from this one either.

I guess I can only hope for the eventual closure that I got last time.

At least this time I didn't say I love you.

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In the stars
Monday. 8.15.16 8:24 pm
In speaking with my friend today {hi, you, if you're actually reading this, now that you know about it} about zodiac signs, I read up on my Chinese zodiac and it basically says that this year is just a shit year for me. It makes so much sense now. Well, not really, but whatever. It's something that I can tie to having a shit year without having to put much thought in to why. It says why, right there. It's in the damn stars. Since he's half Chinese I suppose it makes sense as to why it was brought up alongside the Astrological zodiac. Between being a Libra and a Tiger, I've got a lot of angst going on here.

Anywho, the wedding was nice. It was, as expected, very churchy. I was rather uncomfortable sitting through the ceremony. Lots of scripture readings, Psalms, God talk, lots of 'amen's,' and the giant cross behind them helped nothing. I was alone for the ceremony because one of the other people invited text me that morning saying she was sick, and her close friend {also invited} stayed behind as well. The other coworker who'd been invited was running late due to a blowout that her kid had right before leaving. So lucky me, I got to sit awkwardly alone.

The reception was nice; the food was all homemade, except the cakes. I'm glad that at least someone made it to the reception, otherwise I'd have just gone home. I'm really uncomfortable in a church setting. I have been for well over half my life now. Mostly why I want my own wedding to be outdoors. That and Autumn colors are amazing.

After we finished, and said one more round of congratulations, we parted ways and I headed back home to relax for a short bit before heading back out again. It's been in the 80s+ this last week and I'm realizing that I jinxed myself in saying that we were having a mild summer. Mother Nature is giving me a giant 'fuck you' right now because it's supposed to be in the upper 80s, and 90s, for most of the remainder of the month. Long story short, it's been hot.

I tried to cool off a little bit, unsuccessfully, before heading back to Puyallup for the Night Nation 5K. I met up with a friend from work; this was her first fun run. It's actually, technically my first fun run as well, since there was no timing chip. It was really just for fun. I went mostly to support her, partly because I'd not done any kind of charity-driven run this year. She did really well! I'm quite proud of the fact that she pushed through, kept pace with me most of the way. I even got her to jog a little! It was a slow jog, but she's just starting her fitness journey, so I made sure not to overdo the pushing. It was also still hot, despite the fact that the sun had set, and there were a LOT of people there.

Because of the incredibly busy day Saturday, and the fact that I was out until around 11, I needed Sunday to decompress. The internet was out for a majority of yesterday, so I took advantage and finished the book I'd borrowed. I exchanged it out for another one today, which, of course I left at my desk. I think of all the books I've borrowed from her, I've maybe remembered to bring home 2 on the day that I received it. All the others I'd forgotten at my desk. Oh well. I wasn't planning on reading tonight anyway. I had to go grocery shopping and take a shower. As is I'm already eating a late dinner. Soon as my hair is dry I'm going to attempt to sleep.

This weekend I only have plans on Sunday, so I'll probably take Saturday to relax. I have plans Wednesday after work; I'm looking quite forward to those. It's been a while since I've seen my best friend, and although I'm going to be seeing her on Sunday, we agreed we needed another time prior to it.

There's really no organization to this entry, and it's starting to make my head hurt... so I'm gonna end it here before it becomes a jumbled mess.

Until next time. . .

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