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Salvation in nothingness
Thursday. 12.18.14 4:59 pm
You know that moment when you see someone from your past with whom you had a strong emotional bond and you suddenly realize that you feel nothing? All the power that once controlled you has vacated your person and you're left with this sense of relief.

I felt nothing today; and it felt great.

Apparently not everyone in my department had heard that I was leaving. My bosses still seem to refuse to acknowledge that I'm actually leaving. It's like they're seeing me as the boy who cried wolf. I've been quite vocal over the past two years about my job hunt, but nothing ever came of it. I had that second job for a while, but that was just a temporary thing. Now that I'm finally, actually leaving, they're playing dumb. Either that or the manager actually has someone in mind and is refusing to tell anyone because he's just going to put this new person in with no questions asked. Either way, I find it rather amusing that my direct supervisor hasn't told anyone. He actually changes the subject whenever I bring it up.

I'm really hoping that my hair actually cooperates with me tomorrow. I have to have my picture taken for my new ID and I'd really like for it to look decent. Unlike the one I currently have, where I look like a deer in headlights; just frozen in fear. I washed it tonight in hopes that having it clean will make a difference. I guess we'll find out. Hopefully sleeping on it doesn't completely ruin it from being able to look nice.

5 more days... It's really happening. I'm excited!

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Louder, faster, calmer
Monday. 12.15.14 7:15 pm
The louder the music, the faster the speed, the calmer I get. Blasting the music in to the buds stuffed in to my ears while flying somewhere, I'm pretty sure my heartbeat is somewhere in the 50s. It's the only place where I feel the most at ease. I've never felt that level of ease or relaxation even when I'm cuddled up to someone I love. Sure, I'm comfortable, but it's nothing compared to when I'm on a plane with music blasting in my ears.

I need to find something that will allow me to fly frequently; at least twice a year. The escape from reality; the loss of control, even if only for a few hours. I need to find something that will allow me to travel at least twice a year.

I had to stop at the lab after my shift today to get blood work done for the new job. Working in a medical facility, it's a requirement. I'm not sure why we didn't have to do the same work up for becoming security, but whatever. I wish every job was as simple as that. I'd much rather give blood than piss in a cup. Take as much blood as necessary, poke me as many times as needed; still easier for me than peeing in a cup.

I have 8 work days left. I'm excited and nervous, but mostly relieved. It's a relief that I won't have to deal with the annoying and idiotic bullshit or lack of morale that comes with my current job. Despite all the drama that I've heard about throughout the company that I'm going to be a part of, it's still a major improvement from what I've been doing and a lot of people do actually still like their jobs and the company they're employed by. This is a stepping stone for me. If I do end up making this a permanent career, I'll continue to move up the chain as far as I can until I've reached a point where I would be okay stopping. The moment I get bored or feel the challenge slipping out from under me, it's time to continue on up the ladder. I can't, and won't, let myself get to where I am at this moment.

Is it May yet? I need to fly again.

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Notice of resignation
Saturday. 12.13.14 9:01 am
I tired not to overreact except I started to over-think. And over-thinking led to slight panic and a lot of self-doubt, none of which was necessary.

The reason the manager hadn't called me back by the time she stated she would was because she was out of the office, in meetings all day both days. She contacted me yesterday, just as I was texting someone else that I was beginning to think I hadn't gotten the job. I filled out the background check consent form yesterday and I have to go to the lab for a TB test on Monday {it's the only one from the checklist that I don't already have on a recent file.}

I got the job people! After searching for how long? And getting turned down from how many? I got the job! Christmas will be my last day as a security officer. Best Christmas gift ever? I think so.

My boss was pissed; the asshole that he can be. I received word around quarter after 1, went to work, on my day off no less, to give notice so that I could provide them with a full two week notice, rather than waiting until Monday. "You could have told me sooner." is what I was greeted with. Not congratulations. Not way to go. No positive connotations whatsoever. Does he really think that I'd been holding on to that information for several days and I purposely waited until quarter til 2 on Friday, just to make him leave a few minutes later than he wanted? Jerk. I can understand being pissed because of losing the best person they had {not trying to toot my own horn, but it's true} but be happy that I'm moving up in the world.

I fully plan on working my entire final two weeks. I have 32 hours of sick pay so if I suddenly come down with something, I have the available time to call out. If I don't call out sick, then I just lose the pay. The vacation and personal days can be cashed out {and believe me, that's one email that I will be sending out first thing tomorrow morning} but the sick pay just gets swallowed up. Which is fine. I might be more inclined to use it if I had more than 40 hours saved up. Though, this does make me wish I had taken that extra sick day last week ... oh well.

2015 is going to be a great year. It's starting out fantastically.

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Anticipation
Thursday. 12.11.14 7:58 pm
I had a job interview this past Tuesday. I thought it went really well and everyone figured I was a shoe-in for the job. The manager said she'd get back to me either Wednesday or Thursday, at the latest. It is now 8pm Thursday evening and not one phone call.

Paranoia is sinking in deep and I'm really beginning to think that I didn't get the job. My friends are all trying to reassure me that it's just because she got busy and didn't get the time to call me. Which, I suppose is possible, but highly unlikely. If I didn't get the job, I think I deserve to know, rather than just let it sit out in the open until I can't take it anymore and make an attempt to contact the manager for confirmation.

I'm trying really hard not to resort to drastic measures, but I'm not sure what I'm going to do if I don't get this job. I mean, I guess I just keep searching.

I'm not the most patient person in the world {I've gained quite a bit of it since I was younger} and the waiting game is an impatient person's worst nightmare. Even if the answer is no, at least I'd have an answer.

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Parts two and three
Saturday. 12.6.14 1:45 pm
The Friday after Thanksgiving, I woke up early, got all my stuff packed up for an overnight trip and headed out to the bakery to pick up the pumpkin cheesecake that would be my contribution as thanks for being invited to their dinner. Traffic was considerably light, which was a surprise since it was Black Friday. I just assumed, at that point, that everyone had already gotten their shopping done at 3 in the morning. When I talked to my coworkers after the weekend, I discovered that I had just missed the traffic, as it had been crazy around 5 and 6 in the morning.

Thanks to the ease of traffic, I got to my friend's place a bit early and ended up staying in the car for about an hour because they were still asleep. I could tell this because the dogs were still inside. Once the dogs were let out, I knew it was safe to go in. We hung out for a bit and discovered that the day would be a bit easier than previously anticipated. Instead of going to the cabin, like planned, we were just going to her parent's since her sister was sick.

We went to the house and hung out talking politics, news, movies, music, all while helping prepare dinner. The food was delicious and quite filling. I don't think it would have been the same if it had been at the cabin. Perhaps not quite as homey.

After dinner we put on another movie and set up a table top game to play. Since it was the first time for all of us except my friend and her husband, the first round was quite slow, but still fun. The second round a couple people dropped out and decided to watch the movie while the other 4 of us played another couple rounds. It's a game I'm definitely excited to play again.

After the game, we broke out the dessert, talked some more, watched more TV and finally called it a night. We headed back to their place and I crashed there. A little too much alcohol was consumed in order to safely drive home. It's a good thing I had packed an overnight bag.

Saturday morning we woke up to a fresh blanket of snow on the ground. It was maybe only an inch or two, enough to make it pretty without being a nightmare to drive in. We had breakfast before I said my goodbyes and thanks and I headed home.

I dropped off my bag at home, grabbed some snacks and headed to my friend's place out east; the one who had hosted the Halloween party I went to. I knew the atmosphere would be quite different so snacks was a better option than a fancy dessert from a French bakery.

The food was abundant, as was the alcohol, which fueled laughter and gossip and created quite an enjoyable evening. Despite the number of people, there was quite a bit left over and I was able to take some home. It lasted me a few days.

Overall Thanksgiving weekend, parts one, two and three, reminded me that even though my biological family is 1300 miles away, I have become part of my friends' families here, which makes getting through the holidays a little easier for someone like me.

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So ... tired ...
Monday. 12.1.14 6:59 pm
There will be a detailed entry on Thanksgiving parts two and three, but not tonight. I have a different story to tell tonight.

After getting home from my very first Sounders game last night, freezing my ass off {and toes and fingers and many other appendages} it took me a bit to finally warm up enough to get comfortable enough to fall asleep. The fact that I was wearing fuzzy socks and had 4 blankets on top of me helped only slightly. I was asleep for a couple hours when the smoke detectors started going off. Now, usually, they only sound for a couple minutes at most before whoever it was that triggered it was able to fan the smoke away from the detector and sleep can come easily enough again.

Not this time.

After a good 5 minutes of listening to this stupid thing screech and echo through these paper-thin walls, I glanced outside and noticed the neighbor from upstairs standing outside talking to someone else who apparently lives in my tower. So I grab my sweats, lace up my boots and zip the hood back on my fuzzy on the inside, wind-resistant on the outside black jacket and prodded my sleepy, pissed off self downstairs ... back in to the freezing cold that I had finally warmed up from. This whole getting dressed ordeal took another 5 minutes.

5 more minutes and I phoned the property manager to let him know that we were standing outside with no idea why the smoke alarms were going off. Another 5 minutes goes by and he finally makes his way to our tower. 10 minutes more of investigating, he can't find the source either, and with the fire panel reading normal the fire department wasn't notified of this incident. He proceeds to contact the maintenance guy.

30 minutes later it was discovered that a smoke detector in an empty unit had a short in the wiring and that was what tripped the alarm. 2am, the tower is finally quiet and I was about 15 minutes away from calling out for my shift this morning. I wouldn't have been able to get enough sleep for work and I might have snapped at someone more than normal. Instead, I was able to sleep for about an hour and a half before my work alarm went off and I walked around work looking like a zombie. It was very obvious that I was incredibly tired.

The entire day, the plan was to come home and take a nap. Instead, I came home, put a load of wash in {being away all weekend, I didn't get the chance to do laundry when I normally do} and took a shower. Once I showered, it woke me up a bit and the nap just got skipped. I plan on watching one more episode of Grey's Anatomy before I call it a night. A very early night for me, since I'm normally up until 10 or 11. I need to catch up on the sleep I missed out on last night and going to bed a couple hours early should do the trick.

Here's to hoping that the building doesn't decide to wake us all up again. I'd really rather not spend another unnecessary hour in 20 degree weather.

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