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Part one of three
Thursday. 11.27.14 4:34 pm
Thanksgiving for me this year is broken up in to three parts. The actual day of, today, was spent at work. There was catered food, which was okay. It wasn't anything special, but it was free so that made it just a bit more delicious. The roll was probably the best part, but the potatoes and pie were also tasty. It's pretty much been the same food the last few years. The best part is that it's free.

Now that I'm home, I plan to just hang out with Netflix, Hulu and YouTube until I'm tired enough to feel like going back to bed. I'll be up early tomorrow so I may go to bed at a reasonable hour. We'll see how I feel later on.

Parts two and three will be spent out of town with my friends and their families; people who have taken me in as one of their own. I'm looking very forward to it.

Hope you all {who celebrate Thanksgiving and those who don't} have a wonderful day/weekend!

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Fully functioning adult
Tuesday. 11.25.14 6:47 pm
I worked a 12 hour shift today. It's been a while since I've done so, but I could definitely use the money. I've come to the realization that, despite the fact that I may appear to be a fully functioning adult who can survive on her own, I suck at budgeting. I used to be great at it. I could save up hundreds quite quickly when I was 18, 19, even 20. I turned 21 and that all went to shit. Seven years later, I'm still making stupid mistakes.

Thanksgiving is in 2 days and I absolutely refuse to listen to anything Christmas-y until then. The radio station that plays non-stop Christmas music is already playing it, but tradition states {in our family} that you're not allowed to do anything related to that holiday until after Thanksgiving dinner. Once that bit was over, then it's safe to move on to the next holiday. And as soon as the clock strikes midnight on the New Year, the music gets shut off until the next Thanksgiving.

Short entry tonight. I'm tired from working half the day. I have to be back at work in 11 hours and I'm thinking I'll call it an early night tonight.

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Oddly even
Sunday. 11.23.14 7:25 pm
As I've said in the past, I have this thing about even and odd numbers. I'm not sure you've noticed, but I've recently begun writing every other day. Every odd date. Writing every other day, I feel, is more efficient than writing every day {unless something comes up that would require an extra entry} because this allows for some reflection before composing. Sometimes you can just sit down and type and it flows out of you like you've had it in you this whole time and it's been trying to escape for a while. Other times, you just sit and stare at the screen, typing out this or that before deleting it and staring at the screen some more.

There's quite a few things happening all at once right now and I'm not sure what to do about it. I'm not going to write about any of it until some decisions are made and things are put in to motion. Hopefully it won't cause me to disappear for an elongated period of time, but if I just up and poof, know that I will be back once things have settled.

If you haven't already done so, you need to check out this guy's YouTube page: The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows . It puts some interesting perspective on things and listening to his voice is something I could do all day.

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Stranger things have happened.
Friday. 11.21.14 8:31 pm
I woke up this morning to a Facebook message from someone who stopped speaking to me a couple years ago, for what I felt was no apparent reason. The others who have stopped speaking to me {there are 3}, that I'm still interested in how their lives are going, I'm aware of why they all stopped. The message was short and to the point. "hey you, call me" with a corresponding number. I did. It rang a few times then went to voice mail. I replied to the message saying I had been asleep and asked what was up. I have yet to receive a response.

I have no idea why this individual reached out to me {at quarter after 6 this morning.} I'm sure if it is anything important, there will be a further attempt at communication. I'm only partially curious, however. Despite the unfortunate circumstances surrounding why the other three people stopped speaking to me, I'm well aware of {at least part of} the reason so I take comfort in knowing that they cared enough about me to tell me something before completely cutting me out. This person just stopped. No explanation, no hints, nothing.

I'm just going through the motions right now. Dull and boring is still in full effect. Still ever thankful for the lull in my life. It'll change again at some point. When that finally happens, I will do my very best to take things in stride. And if I panic and freak out, I hope that the friends who have stuck by my side for every other episode of mine will continue to be there until I can pull myself back out of it.

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Bitter to the very end
Wednesday. 11.19.14 9:59 pm
The past few days I've been feeling particularly bitter, if you couldn't tell by the tone of the previous entry. I don't know why I'm feeling this way, but I'm sure there's some kind of hidden reason or chemical imbalance that I'm fighting with.

I went to a park last night after my eye doc appointment. It was the park that a former friend took me to, in the middle of the night, around this same time of year, two years ago. It was freezing, I was coming down from quite a few drinks and I told him that I wasn't ready to stop sleeping with my ex. I ruined what could have been a perfectly good friendship. Obviously we weren't meant to be friends, otherwise some stupid shit like that wouldn't have come out of my mouth, or he wouldn't have given two fucks about how I was feeling. In which case he shouldn't be the type of person I want as my friend anyway.

The view from this park is beautiful. I feel like it's best at night, when the city is lit up and the lights fade from the city, to the suburbs to the blackness of the open water. It's a place to go to find peace. I felt content with the moment when I left there. I smiled most of the way home, thinking about how nice it felt to be there, even if it was only for 10 minutes.

The entire day leading up to that point, however, was filled with snap comments and yelling at other idiot drivers on the road. Bitter. Cold. Harsh.

It's something that seems to be taking over me more often than not, at least over the last few days. It'll pass, like every other time, but for now, I'm embracing it.

I'm embracing the inner bitch that wants very much to be known.

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Feigned sympathy.
Monday. 11.17.14 9:05 pm
This is the time of year when everyone begins to ask you what you're doing for the holidays. If you don't come up with a great answer, or what they feel is exciting enough, then they suddenly begin to outwardly appear to feel sorry for you. I'm sure there are some people who genuinely feel sorry, but most people just think that's what you want to hear from them.

When you ask me what I'm doing for the holidays and I tell you that I'm working, don't say "oh, that's rather unfortunate" or "couldn't you have taken the day off?" I'm working because it's my regularly scheduled day to work. When I tell you that I live alone here and that my family is 1,300 miles away, I'm not expecting you to feel sorry for me. Don't come back at me with "oh no! I'm so sorry to hear that!" or "why don't you go and visit them/they come visit you?" I've even gotten the rare "well, don't you miss your family?" Do you really think that if I could afford to take the time off that I wouldn't be on the next plane out? I'm not a monster. I'm a single, independent female who's trying to make something of herself. Of course I miss them. I'm glad you or your family make enough money to travel during the ridiculously expensive holiday travel window, but I haven't made it there yet.

I made the conscious decision to move away from my family. I didn't have a falling out {not this time} and I wasn't running away. I moved here to create a better life for myself. It's a rather slow moving process, but it's still in progress. I feel at home here; something I haven't felt in a very long time. And when I finally do make it, of course my visits to them will increase, like the once a year I was able to go when I lived in Arizona. Times have changed, circumstances are different, but they will change again and when they do, I'll take full advantage. But for now, I work with what I have.

So you can take your feigned sympathy and your fake concern and shove it. Be happy that I'm not lying in a ditch somewhere begging for food.

I have 4 Thanksgiving dinners this year, and every one of them is with people who have made me a part of their family. Thank you very much.

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