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The weather
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one end always leads to another beginning
Sunday. 6.8.08 4:14 pm
I've not accepted the end yet, nor will I ever be prepared enough to accept the end. But I am working on accepting that there is nothing more I can do to change what's going to happen.

I've almost accepted that whatever is supposed to happen will and there's very little say I have in it. I'm almost ready to let things run their desired course. I guess you could call it giving up. I'm sure the optimists will see it a different way.

That is the first step.

I gave in to something today. I won't say what, but it's not good. Simply take my word for it. Or pretend I never said anything in the first place. Either way works.

I've decided that I'm going to start reading Twilight now rather than waiting until the end of July as planned. I feel connected with Bella in certain ways and I'm thinking maybe I can get some ideas on how to cope with certain issues by letting my imagination run wild. It'll also distract me for a while; since I'll be reading all three books.

I want to try something. I don't know when I'll be starting it, but when I do, it's going to be torture. I guess you could say that I'm a glutton for punishment right now. I'm going to see exactly how long I can put up with it. It's going to hurt and it's going to be hard. I can only hope ...

I don't know if I'll be blogging over the next few days. I've got far too much on my mind and I don't want to sort it out yet. Even with the worse-than-normal headache it's kinda nice not focusing on anything specific.

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not a day goes by
Saturday. 6.7.08 9:19 am
Not one single day goes by when I don't think about ...

~ my dad and wonder if he's still watching over me; if he's proud of me, of the things I've done; if he approves of my choices or if I've done anything to disappoint him.

~ my past and how it affects my present.

~ my future and where it's going to bring me.

~ putting a blade to my arm and cutting into it again. I don't, but that doesn't stop me from wanting to. It happens quite regularly because I use a sharp object [box cutter} at work

~ different ways I might die. Some of them can become rather creative. Others, not so much.

~ my heart and where it lies. Who I've given pieces of it to and what they've done with it. The scars that are permanently etched into it. Where it will lead me next.

~ when and where I'll be getting my next tattoo and if it'll turn out the way I want it to. The rush it gives me to feel the needles stabbing my skin over and over at rapid speeds.

~ the incredible fear I have of going to a doctor. I know I need to go and I know that there are some things wrong with me. It's the things I don't know about that I'm afraid of.

~ what I would do if a large sum of money were to suddenly come my way.

~ drinking. I rarely drink, but I think about it more often than I allow people to know.

~ running away. Simply packing up and going.

~ having the ability to know exactly how people see me. To know, truly, how they feel about/towards me.

~ completely giving up food. Unfortunately, food is a necessary evil.

~ sex.

~ how different my life would be if I had grown up with a father.

~ the weather. It's unavoidable. And normally annoying.

~ how much I've changed in the last few or so years and just how much actually hasn't changed.


I was thinking about things to add to this entry while I was working. I kept getting distracted by my random thoughts so I figured I'd write some of them down when I got home. And that's what I did.

I'm not sure where the metaphor came from, but we had to rush to get the ad out {corporate forgot to mention the ad started today instead of tomorrow} and at one point I turned to Tammy and said, "we need to get this stuff out like a piranha in a butcher shop." Or something to that affect. In other words, we had to bust it out pretty fast. And we did. We got all but one pallet out.

But now that I've made this a fairly long entry, I should probably end it. If there's anything else that comes to mind, I'll add it later. This entry ends here.

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clueless
Friday. 6.6.08 5:05 pm
Isn't it funny that two years ago today, some people thought the world was coming to an end? I find that amusing.

Anywho, did I mention that my ex called me? Yeah, out of the blue about a week or so ago. I hadn't talked to him since December and I thought I had pissed him off enough to want to stop talking to me. Apparently not. Only this time I did actually tell him that I didn't want to talk to him again. Unlike last time when I simply pushed until he didn't want to talk to me. I'm glad I told him this time.

I think I figured out what else I need to talk to Jake about. It's going to hurt just as much as the last conversation. Which ended with me being less upset than I thought. Probably because I had simply worn myself out from being upset. I'm not looking forward to it.

Time seems to be in fast forward right now. I know it's because I want it to pause or slow down, but that's just how things like that work.

My hangover finally ended shortly after I got home from work. I felt sick through my whole shift. It was probably a combination of things, but I'm going to blame it on being hung over. I didn't drink a whole lot, but my alcohol tolerance isn't very high anymore.

I enjoyed being numb for a while though. It was a nice feeling not thinking about anything. Not feeling anything except numbness. Too bad the only way I seem to be able to feel that is when I'm drunk.

My schedule was changed for tomorrow ... a little bit drastically. I was scheduled at 8am. I now have to be there at 3am. The upside to that is, because I was only scheduled for a 6 hour shift, the shift change means I get to leave right as the store is opening. I don't have to deal with people. Always a good thing.

Random thought ... I still wonder what it would be like to be struck by lightning. Granted I survive, it would provide for a very interesting conversation piece. But the odds of it happening, especially out here cuz it never fucking rains, are incredibly slim.

I'm sick of the sun. We need clouds. Like, all the time. I'd be happier if it weren't sunny.

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breaking the wall
Thursday. 6.5.08 7:56 am
I broke down last night. I couldn't take holding it in any more; I just had to talk to him. So I woke him up and told him about how I was feeling. We talked for what was probably close to an hour, if not more. It only felt like a few minutes.

Some of the answers I was half expecting, others I wasn't.

I said all I could think of to say, yet it doesn't feel like I'm done. I don't know when I'll have the opportunity to talk to him again like I did last night.

I can only hope I figure out what it is I need to say and I hope it happens soon so it doesn't eat me alive, as it was doing before.

There are still issues and they aren't going to go away. Not for a while, at least.

I've decided that now I've said something, I'm going to have him {if he wants to; I won't force him} read through some of the blogs that I wrote while I was still trying to organize my thoughts into something more rational so that I could vocalize them easier. He answered some of my questions; only the ones I asked. There are more in the blogs. Maybe that's why this feels unfinished.

My stomach is still upset. Food is still the last thing on my mind, but I have been eating so that people will leave me alone about not eating anything. Although, no one knew I hadn't eaten in 3 days until I said something. The people I told, that know me, didn't react very strongly. They know food is not a big thing on my daily to-do list.

Writing these things down helps, but only to a fine point. Writing my thoughts down can only do so much before it just doesn't help at all. By not talking to anyone, it eats away at my insides. Something I've noticed, though. My ever-present headaches don't seem to be worsening as they used to when I was stressed out. Instead it's my stomach that is being overtaken by my heightening stress levels.

It's not an ulcer; drinking milk would make me feel better if it were. Does depression affect my physical attributes too? And not just my mental state? I'm sure it does because it's the mental that controls the physical.

I hate admitting that I need help, but when I do accept someone's help, at least most of the time, I feel like I'm taking advantage. Like I'm using the person. I admitted to Jake last night that I need help. I really hope I don't end up feeling like I'm using him ...

I have so much more to write, but I'm having trouble organizing my thought enough to get them out.

Perhaps that's why our talk feels unfinished.

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slow reintroduction
Tuesday. 6.3.08 2:35 pm
I started eating again. I actually had half a bowl of rice last night around 9:30pm, but it wasn't much. It was the first thing I had had to eat in 48 hours so it wasn't going to be much anyway.

I had a flatbread sandwich a short while ago and a glass of chocolate milk. My stomach hurts, but it doesn't seem to be trying to reject the food.

Today was just like any other Tuesday. The truck sucked. It took us much longer than it rightfully should have, even though we had everyone there to help. I wish they would just put everything on pallets rather than have us unload every single stupid box.

Tammy and Yvonne are back from their vacation. It was good having Tammy's help on truck. She actually knows what she's doing. Stan, Cindy, Andre, Tammy, Monica and myself are the only ones who know what to do. The other two guys who "help" end up getting in the way more often than not. And they're both slow as all get out which doesn't help in getting us done with truck any faster.

I talked for a bit with Yvonne today. Caught her up to what's been going on with me. She caught me up on a few things going on with her. I mostly needed someone to talk to, and though I didn't tell her everything {one of the thoughts still puts me on the verge of tears} I told her enough so that she gets the basic idea.

Ed cut his hair. It looks awesome.

I'm in the mood to drink tonight. Maybe while I'm intoxicated I'll be able to talk about everything that's been on my mind. Although, I'd rather we both be sober. It would make more sense and this way I'd know exactly how he feels rather than being able to just blame whatever emotion/reaction arises on the achocol.

Either way, I'm drinking tonight. I got two six packs of Smirnoff; one Ice, the other Triple Black. And then whatever Jake feels like contributing to tonight's alcohol binge.

I felt useless today. Even though it felt like I did a lot of work, it didn't show. I didn't even get one pallet done today. I feel bad leaving it for someone else to finish. I don't like it when I have to pick up someone's slack, why should anyone else be okay with it? Ugh.

Alright, I'm done for today.

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starvation induced by depression
Monday. 6.2.08 12:07 pm
Reading over lazypuppy's latest weblog got me thinking about my own weightloss. However, she's doing it the right way. And definite kudos to her for sticking to the diet and seeing results.

With my slowly deepening depression over the last month or so my eating habits have changed. I already didn't eat a whole lot, but as I got more stressed/depressed I started eating less. Now it's at a point where I'm not eating anything because even the thought of food makes me a little sick to my stomach.

Over the last 4 days my food intake is as follows:
~ Friday - Taco Bell Crunchwrap Supreme w/spicy chicken & a homemade quesadilla.
~ Saturday - half a bowl of Zatarain's rice and a small piece of white, confetti birthday cake
~ Sunday - nothing
~ Today - nothing

I've lost 4 pounds in the past week due to my lack of food intake. Unlike the last time this happened, I'm not purposly avoiding food. The last time I lost weight this way, I was forcefully starving myself. This time it's just that I'm upset, nervous, pissed off, depressed or worried to a point where my mind is telling me that if I put food in my stomach I'll feel sick.

I want to eat. But I can't. Even just the thought of food makes my stomach turn.

I need to stop avoiding talking to Jake about how I feel. It's not going to be an easy conversation and the mood will definitely plummet. But the longer I avoid talking about it, the harder it's going to be when I finally can't take it anymore.

I couldn't even fully enjoy messing around last night because of the thoughts in my mind. The one thing that makes me sicker to my stomach than anything else kept making itself present. I tried to simply focus on what we were doing, but it was harder than it should be.

I was planning on talking to him about it Tuesday night, but we'll be going out and having fun Wednesday and I don't want to ruin that by being upset the night before. It's not going to be an easy thing. I think my fear of how he'll react is what's causing me to postpone it.

No fear is much easier said than done. Especially when the end result with either be as bad as I'm expecting or not quite as bad. Either way, it won't be good.

Shit. What am I going to do?

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