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Saturday. 3.25.17 9:49 pm
They finally went through the process of upgrading out internet. It's not nearly as good as if I were to pay for my own plan, but it's 4 times better than it was before. I wish I was exaggerating, but really, the numbers went from 20/5 mbps to 100/100 mbps. I can stream *most* videos on YouTube in HD now. Still not 1080p, but at least 720p. Although, even with great internet, if the computer isn't built to handle a lot of things happening at once, it still slows down or skips on videos where there's a lot going on. Still, though, it's nice having faster internet.

I got my hair trimmed up today. After that last post, even just a couple days later, I kind of started to like the length that it had gotten to, and so I was hesitant to cut it back to the shortness that it was before. I wasn't much a fan of the way it looked during the 3-5 month mark post-original trim, but at the 6 month mark, it was starting to look nice. Especially with the layers that she'd put in. So going in today, I told my stylist that I wanted it somewhere between the original cut, and the 3 month mark (I had kind of a collage of progression photos) so that it'll take less time for me to grow it to the length I want it. The plan is to let it grow, get it trimmed at 6 months, have the layers touched up, then cut it short again in about a year. We'll see how that goes.

I got new bed sheets, and deep cleaned my comforter so now everything smells nice. And the sheet is actually staying on my mattress. The one I'd been using had been old and so the elasticity wasn't really there anymore. I had to adjust the fitted sheet at least once a week. Hopefully I have better success with this new one.

I'll be getting a pedicure tomorrow, likely with Spring/Easter/pastel colors this time around. Afterwards I'll be seeing Beauty and the Beast. I'm looking forward to seeing this movie. There will be food at some point in the day, just not sure what or in what order in regard to nails and the movie. That's something that will just get played by ear.

Next weekend, I think the plan is to get together with the best friend to help her paint, but I'll have to double check with her when the time gets closer. Coordinating with them is always challenging, and has become slightly more so with the addition of her adorable little Miss. Which is fine; makes total sense. Just means it's nicer when we do finally get together.

Okay, I'm fading fast from a sushi coma so I'm gonna knock out early.

Until next time. . .

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Monday. 3.13.17 9:49 pm
This past weekend was the first weekend in a while that I'd not had any set plans. I did go out and get pizza with a couple friends, but that was kind of a last minute thing, and that's the only time where I actually let my pod. It was really nice having a weekend where I didn't have to go anywhere, or do anything, or see anyone; aside from the pizza, of course.

After work on Friday, a friend of mine and I went out and got sushi. We're both addicts, so if one of us suggests sushi, the other one will always agree to it. It's the one and only food that I will overeat and not even feel the slightest bit guilty. It also surprises people as to just how much I'm able to eat when it comes to sushi. Oh well. I guess everyone has that one thing, right?

Because I spent the weekend just mostly hanging out, being lazy, I had to adult today. I needed to go grocery shopping for the next two weeks, as well as make a Target run for toiletries that I'd run out of, and fill up my tank as well. I spent more money at the grocery store and way more money at Target than I'd originally planned, but the things I got were *mostly* necessary. The new bed sheets, tiny crock pot, pens, and Reeces eggs I could have probably managed without for a while longer, but those are all things that will be put to use. I also bought two giant mugs for ma for mother's day. I know it's a couple months away still, but I saw them and just knew I had to get them for her. She loves giant mugs.

Tomorrow all of the money that I've spent since Friday should have fully gone through my bank account so I can see exactly how much I have left, and then figure out how much to put toward the reminder of the bills I have for this month. It's nice knowing that I can afford all of these things without having to worry about sacrificing one thing or another. I even afforded myself an extra couple luxuries in the form of tickets to another touring stage production, as well as putting money aside for the hair cut I have scheduled next weekend. It's been 6 months since my last cut and it's starting to get on my nerves. I'm really not sure how I managed to deal with it being below my elbows. Although, I didn't like the short cuts I'd gotten back then; the stylist I have now makes my hair look good short so it makes me want to keep it that way. It also makes me look a little closer to my age, as well as it being much, much easier to maintain.

Anywho, I'm working toward getting in to a new sleep pattern in hopes that if I stay up later, the frequency at which I've been waking up during the night will lessen. It'll also be better for once we get in to the significantly longer daylight hours; going to bed at 9 when it's still bright and sunny outside is quite challenging.

Until next time. . .

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Sunday. 3.5.17 7:16 pm
On top of the activities previously mentioned in the prior entry, I forgot to include last Monday and Tuesday's dinner plans. Monday was sushi, Tuesday was a belated birthday dinner with the best friend. Both of those evenings were quite enjoyable. It always helps when you hang out with super chill people.

Today was the most involved plan of all the activities I'd had planned: the Hot Chocolate 15k. I've never done anything more than a 5k, and the best time I ever had, I think, was 42 minutes. I was also overweight during each of those. It's definitely more involved when doing a 15k (9.3 miles for those of us here in America) and I'm already feeling it. Luckily, the only really steep hill was right at the beginning and it was going downhill. The rest of the hills were decent inclines, but nothing steep; just seemingly never-ending. The good thing about the inclines is that it would eventually become a decline, and those are much easier. You have gravity working in your favor. It doesn't do nice things to your joints, but it helps with speed.

My goal was to complete it in under 2 hours. I finished it at 2 hours and 9 minutes. Which, in all honesty, is better than I expected to do considering I really didn't train. I was on top of it for the first 3 weeks of the 8, and then went to the gym maybe 3 times over the following 5 weeks. It averages out to about a 13:51 min mile. I definitely couldn't jog the whole thing, but I alternated between walking and jogging. There were several people still behind me when I finished, which made me feel better.

It was incredibly cold and I didn't realize it was possible to be warm/sweaty/swollen AND cold at the same time. I understand that we sweat to cool our bodies down, but the wind that was blowing wasn't just a light breeze, and whenever the sun dipped behind the clouds, it got cold. My fingers were numb for at least half the time I was outside. My toes finally warmed up, which was nice. It made moving forward a little easier.

I'm quite proud of the simple fact that I followed through. Getting up early this morning, going out in the cold, and jogging/walking 3 times farther than I've ever gone in a run before was not an easy feat. But I have the finisher medal and the record online (along with super sore joints) proving that I accomplished this and I'm proud of the fact that I did.

February of last year, during the vacation bidding period, I knew that I'd wanted to do this. I requested off March 6th in anticipation of needing a day to recover, and I'm really thankful for past me for thinking ahead, even though I didn't actually register for this run until 10 months later. On top of needing an extra day to allow my hips and knees to heal, tomorrow is the first official day working for Kaiser, now that they've finally acquired Group Health, and I'm glad I won't be around for the chaos. I'm still going to be sore on Tuesday, but at least I can go back in to work and ask everyone what I have to do, rather than learning with tomorrow's trial and error day.

Alright, I'm going to zone out and probably head to bed early tonight. When I wake up tomorrow morning, and get up for the first time, I already know that just going to the bathroom is going to be a bitch. But I have Advil and bananas so I'll just take it easy and work through it.

Until next time. . .

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Saturday. 2.25.17 7:50 pm
Things have settled at work with my coworker finally having gotten over all of the ailments that had kept her home for two weeks. Things at home have gotten back to normal as well. I am still looking for another place to live, however, I may not be moving until May/June.

This past Thursday a friend and I went and saw Rent at the Paramount. I've loved the movie since it came out back in 2005, and this was the first time I've seen it on stage. As much as I loved the movie, I love the stage production even more. It would have been amazing to see the original cast on stage, though. It was worth it to be out late on a work night.

I had plans today to go with a few work friends to visit our mutual friend, and our coworker, who has been out on maternity leave. She came up to work on Thursday for an appointment, but ended up spending about 3 hours just visiting people in the clinics. She had the baby with her so everyone wanted to see, and ask her about how she was doing and how the baby was doing. Today was much nicer in the fact that we all met up at her house, and brought food with us so she was able to stay comfortable in her own home. We each took turns holding the baby; based off photographic evidence, I apparently have only one position in which I hold newborns. At least the second photo was of me laughing; that one looks a little less serious.

Tomorrow the plan is to stay indoors. It's supposed to snow overnight again so I'm curious to see how much it'll actually snow. There was a tiny flurry a couple days ago, and then again for about 5 minutes this morning. Just super small flakes, without anything really sticking.

Since I didn't get much sleep Thursday or last night (since I had to be up early this morning; I had plans before meeting up with everyone) I'm not sure how much later I'll be able to stay awake. I may actually go to bed as soon as I'm done typing this up.

Next weekend is going to be busy, leading in to a busy week afterward. I have another burlesque show to go to, a 15k run to do, and two medical appointments. And then this coming week is looking to be incredibly busy at work. We've got a well above average volume of patients this coming week, for some reason, starting with Monday having more patients on the schedule than we've ever had. Ever. So that should be fun. Two weeks from now I'm hoping to have absolutely no plans so that I can spend time recovering from the amount of sudden activity that has sprung up in my near future.

Anywho, I wanted to type something up so that the most recent entry wasn't just a bitch-fest. This is at least a little more lighthearted.

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Rant ahead
Monday. 2.13.17 6:16 pm
I haven't a clue how long or short this is going to be. I guess it depends on how much I need to get out of my system.

The last two weeks were incredibly long at work. With the one coworker already out on maternity leave, and the other one out sick for almost the entire past two weeks (she worked Monday two weeks ago, and was finally well enough to come back last Friday), I had to do most of the work on my floor. Which meant I was doing about 2.5 people's worth of work, while the random people they had covering, combined, did the other .5. And not well either because I had to keep stopping what I was doing to help them with things that I shouldn't need to constantly help them with. Like, it shouldn't take you more than a day to remember which side which department was located on.

I ended up having to take a personal day just simply due to overwhelming exhaustion. If I hadn't taken the day off to finally get some rest, I would have made myself sick again and would have likely had to take more than just one day off.

I've started actively apartment hunting. I never heard back from the one place that I applied for, which is bullshit. I even called, twice, and left a message without ever hearing back. There's one place I'm currently in contact with, but unless they can work with me and lower the price of the rent, I won't be able to afford it. There's another place that's newer that is even closer to work than I am now, with a rent that's in my range so I think if this one place falls through, I will go ahead and contact them.

If that one doesn't work either, I will look outside of the area I want to stay in because there's a place near some friends that has a few units for rent, bigger apartment, almost the same cost. It's just ideally not in the are that I wanted to remain in.

This place I'm currently residing in has long overstayed its welcome and it's time for me to move on. I've had more problems than not recently and it's starting to really piss me off. They're mild inconveniences: the washer being broken. Again. The internet consistently cutting out because they're too fucking cheap to do it correctly (they have one modem for 36 people) and because of the contract they have with the internet company, I'm not allowed to go out and pay for my own internet here.

It's tiny (under 200sqft) and I would really like to have my own kitchen again. And maybe walls that aren't the thickness of cardboard. My damn car might be more soundproof than this place. It's been over 5 years of living here, and I'm done. I don't even give a shit if it's months before I can afford to furnish a new place. I just need to get out of here.

This was exactly what I needed back in 2011 when my ex and I broke up, but it's gradually been pissing me off more and more over the years. A few years ago, when I was ready to move on the first time, my absolute shit credit prevented me from moving. Fair. I spent two years paying off my debt, and have built up my credit back to at least fair. On the lower end of fair, but still above poor. So it's time to jump back in to the hunt.

Wish me luck people. Before I snap at the wrong person and get evicted for being unruly and aggressive.

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Subconsciously unsettled
Sunday. 1.29.17 10:10 pm
After dealing with the food poisoning on Monday, I was congested and sneezing like crazy until Thursday. By Friday it was as if nothing was ever wrong. I don't know what the hell is up with my system, but I'm glad it's finally settled.

My mind, however, not so much. I woke up early this morning from a dream that made me want to stay in bed for weeks. I wanted to cancel every plan I've made, quit my job, and hide from the world. In reality, I worked to get my mind to shut off the illogical urge to quit life, and forced myself to go back to sleep in hopes that it would at least get me level enough to continue putting on the charade that I go through whenever I'm around people. Very few have seen me break down. I like to keep it that way.

Normally my face just shows that I'm pissed. I have what's called resting bitch face. I aim for neutral, but I just look moody all the time. A few people don't believe me when I tell them I have chronic depression and anxiety; they look shocked, like I've just told them I invented some kind of new machine that reads minds. "No, that's not right. You're too happy for that."

A few people, who likely also experience some kind of mental illness, can see past it. They're the ones who ask me if I'm okay when they can see the sadness behind my eyes. They're the ones who know that I'm just trying to avoid talking about it when I say "sure, I'm fine, just tired." But they understand enough to just let it go. That I'll come around in time.

An even fewer amount of people have been there for me in ways that I feel burdened upon them, but am forever indebted to. They're the ones who see the full breakdown, and stay until they know that I can manage on my own. They stay even when I've calmed down. They stay even when I don't want them to stay, but at the same time never wanting them to leave.

And yet, here I sit, alone in front of my computer, typing away while the tears are silently streaming down my cheeks, because I don't want to be a bother to anyone.

Of course, by the time I see my therapist on Friday, my mind will have settled, I'll be sleeping better, and things will feel more right.

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