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Grinding gears
Wednesday. 8.27.14 10:47 pm
I'm fairly certain that, hypothetically speaking, if I were driving a manual transmission in this emotional reversal, I'd have blown a clutch by now. Or 6. Ugh! Why the fuck do hormones have to play such a huge part in the way we think? My brain is agreeing with all of the logical opinions and choices and decisions being made and pointed out and my heart is standing in the middle of the room, with its arms crossed stomping its feet. My brain tells my heart to shut up and get over it and the heart responds by sticking its tongue out, crossing its arms even harder and closing its eyes, as if that alone will make it all go away. Will they ever be in agreement? Hahaha, fuck no. The heart never learns and the brain only gives in to the heart when there's a chemical imbalance. Which, for me, happens to be pretty much all the time.

Yay for being fucked up!

Tomorrow is my Friday. Finally. I'm going out with the girls after work. None of us have to be anywhere Friday morning so there's a definite possibility that it could be a late night. We're getting together early so we may all just be old women and be home and in bed by midnight. Who knows. Anything is possible at this point. I'm pretty excited, despite being an emotional wreck off an on throughout the day. It'll be the last time I get together with one of them before she goes off on an internship in New Zealand for 6 months. There's also a very strong probability of drunk texts being sent. I'll try to avoid drunk calls.

I like blogging every day. It allows me to get out things at the end of the day. Or the beginning. Doing this at the end of the day kind of lets things play out in their entirety so that it's slightly more cohesive. Rather than writing about a panic attack as it's happening, I can recap it and type out the outcome as well.

Now I'm just rambling. There probably won't be one tomorrow ... since I'm going to be out til who knows when. So, until Friday. . .

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Shake it off
Tuesday. 8.26.14 10:42 pm
There's just something about a catchy tune that makes playing it over and over again somehow worth it. I will openly admit, right here, that I can't stop listening to Taylor Swift's new song Shake It Off. The video is rather entertaining as well. It's kind of awesome that she can poke fun at herself. I've never been one to listen to her music. I honestly can't think of any songs of hers that I've ever listened to, but this one sticks with me. Weird ...

It appears that I've already started writing every day, but if I miss a day or two between now and next Monday, then I'm still golden. I will begin the daily blog challenge again on Sept. 1st. We'll make it until the end of the year. Just for the sake of keeping it slightly different than the last. And because I can make up my own rules for this dammit.

After not getting hardly any sleep last night I'm hoping tonight I'm tired enough to just knock out for a solid 4-5 hours, with no interruptions. This is all based on whether there will be more cops outside ... or drunk parties or whatever. No more loudness outside. City sounds I can sleep through no problem. I have planes, trains, cars, buses, ferries, all within sounding range and I've acclimated. But something that's out of the ordinary wakes me up ... like a cop with a megaphone trying to get someone to come out of their apartment/home so that they could speak to them. "You're not in any kind of trouble, we just want to talk to you. There's people out there that care about you. Please come out of your room and downstairs so that we can talk." I have no idea what transpired with that, since I was finally able to doze off again for a couple hours, but I'm hoping the fire truck that was parked outside when my alarm went off had nothing to do with it.

Alright, I am gonna listen to the damn song one more time before I call it a night. The fan has aided in my hair drying quicker than normal. As much as I like my giant, high velocity tower fan, I'm looking so, so forward to when I don't need it and all I have to do is keep the windows open. Nature's air conditioning. Never fully appreciated until I moved here.

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Oops
Monday. 8.25.14 5:38 pm
Well that was a huge mistake. I definitely should have eaten something much lighter as a way to break the 48+ hour fast that I did. Instead, I ate left over breakfast burrito tortilla. Huge mistake. My stomach absolutely hates me right now. It's punishing me; I'd much rather it be coming up than going down. Ugh.

So I left my house yesterday, rather reluctantly, to go buy new windshield wiper blades for my vehicle. It's something I've been needing to do for months now and I finally chose the first day of a long streak of hot, dry, sunny days to do so. I looked it up on a map to see how to get where I needed to go ... and completely missed a turn somewhere along the way because I ended up way farther away from where I wanted to be. I have no idea how I found Discovery Park, but it was about 10 minutes in the wrong direction. Kind of funny how I got lost and discovered Discovery Park just by accident. I pulled in to the closest visitor lot, pulled up Google Maps and found out how to get back to where I needed to go. I realized that I had gone left instead of right.

Eventually I got back to where I needed to be, bought what I needed to buy and came back home. I put up on Facebook that I was unsure of how I got there, because putting down 'lost' seemed too obvious, and it apparently prompted some concern among my close friends. I got messages shortly after getting back home. And I talked to both of them until shortly before bed.

I had this whole plan of doing some productive stuff today when I got off work, but that all became a moot point the minute I changed in to pajamas. Once I'm home and the uniform comes off, it's like I'm taking off the motivation to do anything productive. Like, just going out yesterday evening was a struggle that I fought with for hours before it actually happened. If it was dark outside, or at least not sunny, then I'd be more inclined to leave the hole I live in. But so long as the sun shines bright and hot on my curtains, the inclination to leave stays hidden.

Tomorrow and Wednesday I have both my jobs so I have no choice but to leave the hole when I'm very against it. I'm still not exactly in a very sociable mood, but this isn't really being social is it? It's work. It's a paycheck. It's also probably the last week I work 3 days at Sam's. Next week I have my suddenly unplanned 5 day weekend and after that I've requested every Saturday off from Sam's for the entire rest of the month of September, which leads in to my last day being the 1st of October. It's kinda crazy that I'll be going back to having a regular every-other-week income. I'll have to be careful about budgeting, but I think, at this point, I can manage just fine. We'll see how it goes.

Other than my stomach hating that I've reintroduced food to it, I'm feeling slightly, and I emphasize slightly, better than I did yesterday. Mentally, at least. I guess even a tiny improvement is still that. Physically, I kind of want to deprive myself of food again. I should probably go grocery shopping at some point. I'm not sure what time I'm meeting up with my friends on Thursday, but perhaps I'll have enough time between work and then to snag some food for the weekend. I'm used to going the week without much in the way of sustenance.

The best way to describe my mental status, the way in which I am having to change gears, is that I'm trying to go in reverse up a hill. Not just any hill, mind you, but one that you'd find in San Francisco or Downtown Seattle. A big fuck off hill that everyone hates going up. And I'm trying to do so backwards.

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Open, stare, close. Repeat. {Edit}
Sunday. 8.24.14 4:25 pm
Today is the first day that I'm aiming to really try to avoid communication. I don't want to fail and cave and be the first one to message him, like I have every other single day this week. I want him to want to talk to me and the only way to do that is to not force it. I also want to give him the space he wants and the way to do that is by avoiding initiating conversation.

There's been a couple times that I've wanted to throw my phone across the room, but then I just do the same thing over and over again. I'm going to kill my phone battery just by continually opening opening the same app, but never doing anything else with it.

I hate that this is part of it. Why can't I just be like him and be okay with this? Where the fuck is the magical button that allows your emotions to just turn off on a dime like that? Not that he's okay, but he's certainly better off than I am.

I haven't eaten in over 24 hours and my stomach hasn't even growled once. I threw up something green this morning. No idea what that could have been since there hasn't been anything ingested since yesterday around 11. And there wasn't anything green involved in the meal. I've reached the point in this 'fast' where even just the idea of food makes me nauseated so who knows when I'll finally give in and eat something. All of the people who were around me to make sure I ate on a regular basis are no longer around me so it's easier to get away with this.

I'm sure eventually, maybe in another day or so, I'll eat. Or I'll just keep doing what I'm doing and pay for it later.

I can't seem to cry anymore. I've tried. At this point I'm just numb.

{Edit}
Apparently my tear ducts haven't completely dried up yet. Joy.

I've found something that I can watch over and over again and it reminds me exactly why I'm in the place I'm in. It reminds me why we can't be a couple right now and why things are going to be okay. It brings me hope for the future, in the oddest of ways.

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Now what?
Saturday. 8.23.14 1:22 pm
There's no need for a password anymore on any of these because no one except you guys reads them. It's funny how it works; you tell someone about this blog you write and how it pretty much allows them to dive in to what you're really thinking. They get excited and interested in it and follow it for a little bit, but then life takes back over and they eventually forget that you even have a blog, let alone where to find it.

I had my MRI this morning. It was the first time I've ever had one. The noise was ridiculously, obnoxiously loud and the radiology tech explained that there's quieter ones, but they would take twice to three times as long in order to scan whatever needs to be scanned. I'd rather just deal with the noise. I kept my eyes closed the whole time so I couldn't see how closed in I actually was. It's not like I'm claustrophobic, but being inside a tube isn't exactly comforting. The hardest part was not being able to move. Or the fear that I'd have an itch on my face, or really anywhere for that matter, since you had to lay as still as possible. Especially with a brain scan, any little movement is picked up on the scan and it may make it harder for the radiologist to read it properly.

The order was for a scan without contrast, so I didn't have to worry about getting an IV. The tech said that the radiologist would glance over the scans to see if anything popped out that would be medically necessary to redo the scan, but with contrast and he didn't see anything so I suppose that's a positive thing. It just means that there might not actually be an answer for the random stupid headaches I got. Right now the minor pulsating feeling in my head is from being dehydrated.

Jonathan was nice enough to get up early and come with me so that I wouldn't be alone. I would have gone regardless if anyone was with me, but it made me feel more comfortable being inside the machine knowing that someone who cares about me was in the waiting area. I think I would have been quite a bit more nervous if I had gone in on my own.

After the scan we stopped at this greasy diner thing in a not great part of Seattle and got breakfast. I felt sick to my stomach the moment I took the first bite, but I ate half of my meal just so that there would some kind of sustenance in my system. I'm half tempted to force myself to puke just so that my stomach will feel better.

Once breakfast was done, we went back to his place and he messed around on the piano while I listened. He kind of showed me some of the process that's involved when composing a new song and I felt honored to have been allowed to witness that. I didn't want it to stop, but of course all good things come to an end. And he had plans anyway so I had to go.

This is the first time since we've met that we didn't have any plans to look forward to. I have absolutely no idea when I'm going to see him again and I absolutely hate it. I sincerely hate that I don't know when I'm going to see him again. Hell, for all I know, it could be two weeks from now. A month from now. I know he wants to do something with me for my birthday, but who knows if I actually see him between now and then. It scares me a little, but I know it's necessary.

Being in his place today felt oddly like the first time I was in his apartment. We were kind of in the same position: he was sitting at his piano and I was standing behind him leaning on the chair. I couldn't touch him, despite the fact that every fiber of my being wanted to reach out and stroke his cheek, kiss his neck or mess with his hair. The difference with this time? I know how all of that feels. And it makes me quite sad, rather than excited. My heart beats quicker out of nerves and anxiousness instead of curiosity and excitement.

Perhaps not knowing when I'll see him again is for the best. I resent the fact that the tears form just thinking about that, but I'm not sure how much exposure I can handle without being able to touch him before I lose my mind and break something out of frustration. He says it may eventually get to a point where we can be comfortable with that again, but I might lose consciousness if I held my breath waiting for that to happen.

Despite all of this ... despite all of the emotional ups and downs, I thoroughly enjoy spending time with him and can't see us being apart for long. We talk through things together and kind of have each other to fall back on for the tough times and fun ones.

One day at a time ... I hate not knowing what the future will bring.

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Nope, I was right all along
Friday. 8.22.14 7:40 am
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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