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exit relaxation, enter nerves
Thursday. 9.13.07 7:57 pm
So my road test is in a week. I've driven once since I got my Nevada permit. The day afterwards is the day we got into the car accident. And since that day, I've been nervous about driving. I keep picturing myself getting into an accident and not knowing what to do.

I need to drive Charlotte's car at least a couple times so that I won't be going into my road test completely blind. I need to at least know where all the major things are, the things that the driving instructor looks at to make sure the car is efficient for driving.

I'm one of those people who can hide the nerves on the outside, but can be screaming and shaking on the inside. Its only in crazy, intense situations where I have trouble hiding that I'm nervous. Even though I can maintain a calm, collected exterior, about the only thing that gives it away physically is that my muscles tense up and I might shake. But you'll only notice it if you're really looking.

Along with all the thoughts of car crashes, I keep dreaming that I'll do so good on my test that I won't realize I passed until I did. In my dreams, driving comes incredibly easy for me. I shouldn't have too much of a problem with a majority of the stuff {granted I have no issues driving in Charlotte's car} until I get to the parallel parking. In Florida, we didn't have to learn if we didn't want to and I didn't want to. Out here, though, parallel parking is used more often. Ugh.

I really hope that I pass on the first shot because I don't want to have to deal with that pressure again. I would imagine that it would be similar to the disappointment that comes with failing a class and having to retake it. You already have the knowledge that you failed once before, what's going to be so different this time? You're going to be afraid that you won't pass it a second time. And the pressure and disappointment will just build. I don't know if I'd be able to handle that.

Bah. Alright, I'm done for tonight.

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not gonna lie
Wednesday. 9.12.07 12:37 am
So, I know that I haven't mentioned Stuart at all here in a while, but I have to tonight. I still talk to him, but only maybe every few days, if even that. I'm perfectly fine with it though. I've managed to get over him enough that it doesn't hurt when I talk to him and all I do is just not think about the things that would make it hurt.

But I'm not going to get into that cuz that's not the point of this entry.

Over the past, maybe, 3 weeks he's been dropping not-so-subtle hints that he misses me. But tonight, he flat out said it: "I wish you were here."

Only problem is, I'm pretty sure its the fooling around that he misses rather than just simply being able to see me and enjoy my company. I'm alright with that though. It means that I must have done something right in that department especially if he's got all his girl friends there who want him and he would still rather have me. It makes be quite happy; not gonna lie.

Anywho, my sister is sick ... again. It doesn't seem to be as bad as the last few times she's gotten sick, but its just the first day. I hope it doesn't get worse. The last few times, she's had to miss a week of school each time due to illness. I hate seeing her sick because there's nothing I can do to help make it better faster.

Its going to take me quite a while to read through The Vampire Lestat because I'm not reading every night. Its not holding my interest like every other book I've read so far since I've been back has so the incentive to want to read it isn't there every night. Oh well. I'll finish it ... eventually.

Alrighty, I don't know what else to say. I shall write again whenever.

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where were you?
Tuesday. 9.11.07 2:03 am
Obviously no one of this generation will forget what happened on September 11th 2001 and everyone in the future who was not around on that day will be studying it in history books. I do believe that its already a part of the US History books that are in schools and has been since I was a senior or just before.

I won't forget that day, as no one else will, but it didn't hit me as hard as it did some others who were more directly affected. I was out here, in Las Vegas, and it was a school day, sophomore year. Usually before I left for school my mom would have the news on, but on that particular day we were running late so we didn't have time to turn the tv on.

When I got to school, people were all talking about "the WTC was hit! the WTC was hit!" I wasn't sure what the WTC meant; I hadn't heard that abbreviation before, but I did understand "attacked" and "New York," which was what caught my attention. I still didn't fully understand so I had no problems about joking with my friends for the few minutes before the bell rang for first period.

The bell rings and I'm in my first class, which happened to be band. But instead of the teacher being in the front of the room ready to teach or in her office getting stuff ready for the day, she was standing next to the television she had in the middle of the front of the room. Everyone who was already in there were all sitting in front with their eyes glued to the tv.

There I saw it. I saw a live feed from New York, the state that I was born in. The place where parts of my family still lived. Though I barely remember it from when I was there, I did think of my family who was still living there. I sat there, tense, watching as the second plane hit. Watching as the towers collapsed one at a time.

When the bell rang, I didn't want to go to my next class. But I did, because I had to. The rest of the day was spent going from class to class, watching the same thing in every classroom. And at lunch the attack was all anyone talked about.

When I got home, I turned on the news to watch it some more. My mom had contacted all of my family members who lived in the state to make sure everyone was alright. That's when I found out that my aunt was supposed to be at a meeting in the WTC that day, but something had come up and it prevented her from going to the meeting. What a lucky break.

The next day at school some of the teachers, mostly the history teachers, were still interested in what was going on in New York. Others had the TVs on, but they started their lessons. A few of my teachers were not interested in it the least bit and insisted on everyone paying attention to them and the lesson being taught.

I remained interested in the attacks for about a week. Then I started getting sick of hearing about it and seeing it on half the channels on TV. Six months had gone by and they were still talking about it all the time, though not as much. Even after a year, they were still talking about it like it had happened yesterday and by then I was just flat out annoyed.

I can understand that you're still trying to figure out what happened. And I can understand that we're now in a war {that was supposed to be over who knows how many years ago now} and that people are never going to be able to come back from this, but must you dwell on the past? I've had shit happen, everyone has and yes, I acknowledge that this is so much more catastrophic than the things that have happened in my life, but there's nothing you can do to change the past. Its over, it happened, keep moving.

I'm very sorry to hear that its directly affected certain people, but its been 6 years. What's going to happen when all the people who were alive during the WTC attacks die? Are there still going to be people who care as much as they do now? I doubt it.

I'm sorry if this has turned into a rant and to any of you who were directly affected by the attacks, but there are just some thing about this that annoy me. Not so much anymore though because of the length time its been, they don't air shows on it all the time anymore.

But I have to ask, where were you when it happened?

~~ I'll write my usual, much more boring entry at some point much later in the day~~

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post 498
Monday. 9.10.07 2:53 am
The title is the number of entries I've done, including this one. {however it doesn't include 153 entries on blackfire or the 116 entries on bug}

Today was fairly better than yesterday. Dinner was nicer because everyone was in a good mood. I actually don't remember a whole lot of what we talked about because it was all kinds of random stuff. Everywhere from a lobster claw machine to the items that we had put in the fridge as leftovers and could no longer identify.

Dinner was tasty. It was supposed to be chicken patties and chips, but Steve had gotten a $100 gift card to Wal-Mart so he bought stuff for dinner with that. On the grill we had shrimp kabobs and bratwurst. With it we had those garlic cheddar mashed potatoes again and the leftover shrimp, after the others were skewered, Steve cooked them in a mix of pineapple bits, celery pieces and a garlic butter. I actually liked those shrimp as opposed to the kabobs. But overall dinner was tasty. We'll be having the chicken patties tomorrow.

I planned on going swimming tomorrow, but the blister hasn't healed enough yet for me to be wearing shoes. I also need to do laundry cuz the clothes I wanted to wear {including my bathing suit} are all dirty. Maybe on Tuesday.

I think I'm going to start reapplying at some of the very first places I applied at. I don't remember which companies held their applications for 30 days, 60 days or 90 days so I figure it wouldn't hurt to reapply at some of the places. If my app is still active, I'm sure the computer will tell me.

I've decided that once I'm completely done with The Vampire Lestat, I'd read Memoirs of a Geisha. My sister told me that the book was better than the movie. . . which is how it usually is with a book-turned-movie. They can only do some much in a movie. In a book, you are unlimited. If you want to write a lot, more than one book's worth, than all you have to do is make it a series.

Alrighty, its just after 3am and I'm having trouble focusing on the screen. This conludes the 498th entry.

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not fun times
Saturday. 9.8.07 6:48 pm
I don't know about you guys, but I hate it when one person at the dinner table is in a bad mood; the vibe just sits over the table like a rain cloud with awaiting lightning ready to strike at any moment. Everyone is afraid to talk just in case something said is what triggers the person in a bad mood. That's how it was tonight.

Finally, after everyone was about halfway done, Steve broke the silence by poking Lori's hot dog with his fork. It didn't dissipate the cloud, but it eased the tension some. Steve's excuse for poking the hot dog was that it was "sitting too straight on the plate. It needed to be knocked over." He didn't knock it over, but it was still kinda funny.

I really wish one of the people calling me would be someone calling to hire me instead of a wrong number. I had a person call 7 times today looking for a hotel. The first two times, I answered and told them it was the wrong number. A short while later, that same person called again. I ignored the call. Right after the voicemail picked up, they called back. I ignored the call again. Right after that, they called another time. This time I answer the phone {with emphasis on every word}: "You have the wrong number. Please don't call it again!" They don't listen. Another two times they call; neither time I answer. Tell me this, what hotel of any kind has an answering machine that starts out "You have reached the voice mailbox of ... etc?" Seriously? Luckily they haven't called back. If they do I'm either going to answer and tell them off or just ignore it.

Anywho, Jean was actually considerate today. She managed to stay quiet so that I could sleep. Either that or I was just really, really tired and slept through any noise that was made. Somehow, I'm actually unsure as to the reason ...

Alrighty, I can't think of anything else to say. I guess I'll write again whenever.

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*le sigh*
Friday. 9.7.07 7:30 pm
I've been feeling really weird over today and yesterday. I'm not sure exactly what is triggering it, but its affecting my decisions.

As enthusiastic as I was about swimming, I don't really want to now. And as much as I'm cooped up in the house, with me not having a job or available transportation, I haven't been wanting to leave the seclusion.

I'm feeling almost useless because no one is wanting to hire me. They'll hire a 16 or 17 year old, but not me? Its not fair. The way things seem to be going right now, I don't think I'll be able to get a job until after I'm 21. I really don't want to have to wait that long and since I'm not planning on celebrating the "special" day, I wouldn't even mind working that weekend. Unfortunately something tells me I'm going to end up waiting either way.

I'm sorry that I haven't been commenting lately. I have been reading the entries, but with the mood I've been in, I just haven't had anything worthwhile to say in response. I promise that as soon as this mood has passed I will resume commenting.

I really hope this mood passes soon. I hate feeling this way.

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