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rant
Sunday. 6.7.09 11:44 am
I'm really mixed about things right now. Mostly it's because of Jacob and his recent change in attitude, but there are other things that are bugging me as well.

Whatever is going on with Jacob, it's not making him the most pleasant person to be around. He's not moody all the time, but it comes in doses that are not few and far between. I know of a few things that are possibly and probably triggering this attitude change, but I have a feeling there's more to it.

Why is it whenever I can't talk to him is when I want to the most? And why is it that when I finally do talk to him I can't say or ask any of the things I had been wanting to ask/say? I want to, but for whatever reason it just doesn't come out. Right now, though, with the mood I'm in, talking to him probably wouldn't be a good idea. I'm likely to say something I don't mean or have something that I do mean come out wrong and it be interpreted the wrong way.

Argh! This whole thing is frustrating. This thing called life. Weekends are never long enough. Work never just flies by. Bills are too expensive for the little amount of money I'm making. I'm trapped in Vegas because I can't afford to leave. Summer is approaching way too effing fast. The last two days have been really nice, but it's starting to get hot again. And with it being almost the middle of June, the tripple digit temperatures are very quickly approaching.

I need to go back to school, but I'm not sure if I want to right now. That and I can't afford it. I don't want to take out a loan because that would be even more money that I don't have coming out of my bank account.

I realize I should be greatful. I have a roof over my head, food in my fridge, freezer and pantry, cool air, a phone, a computer w/internet, cable and a car. But right now I just don't feel like being happy about those things. I want to focus on the things annoying me.

Just like I want to simply sleep the day away and I can't do that either. I'm done for now, but there might be more to this later. Depending on what happens {if anything} and whether I feel like writing about it.

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mixed emotions ... and a new phone!
Saturday. 6.6.09 1:05 pm
Jake is not having much luck with certian things recently and it's causing his mood and attitude to be very rollar coaster-ish. I like when he's talkative and laughing and joking. Which is not the way he's been the last two days. He's being distant ... kinda like he doesn't really want to be around or say anything, but doesn't exactly see any reason why he shouldn't be around. I dunno.

I just know I don't like the way he's being right now. I'm mixed about it because it hurts, but at the same time I'm annoyed. I actually typed up a rant about it this morning, but after reading through it, I realized how ridiculous I started to sound after a couple sections, so I just deleted it.

All I can do is be there for him, as a friend, when he needs it, leave him alone when he wants that and just wait for him to get through whatever it is he's dealing with.

Anywho, on a brighter note, I got a new phone yesterday. Finally. I'd had my RAZR since 2006. It was a few months past time for me to upgrade, but I had waited because I couldn't afford a new phone yet. Even with the upgrade, discount price. Until yesterday ... when the speaker on my phone suddenly stopped working. Only the speakerphone worked and I hate using speakerphone.

I still couldn't afford a new phone, but I kinda had no choice in buying a new one, unless I wanted everyone to hear my conversations all the time or only wanted to talk in text. Not the way I wanted to go.

This is the phone that I bought. I'm really starting to enjoy it. There are a few things I don't like; the fact that I can't adjust the tone for text messages seperatly from regular tones is one of them, but I still love the phone.

I've got a 2GB memory card for it and I've already got pictures transferred from my computer onto the phone. It'll also be a lot easier to put the pictures onto my computer from the phone. I won't have to e-mail them to myself.

I want people to keep texting me so that I can use the phone, but alas, not everyone has no life like I do. I have yet to try out the camera. I might do that later.

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meh?
Thursday. 6.4.09 12:50 pm
Not sure what to title the entry and ehh? looked too Canadian. . . Not that there's anything wrong with Canada, but meh just feels like it works better for this.

Still broke. I get paid tomorrow, but most of it is going into bills. Joy. I just hope I don't go back down to nothing in my account again. I do have things I need. And I don't really want to charge any of it unless I absolutely have to. Which in this case, I just might have to.

Damn. With my monetary luck, I'll have my $14,500 car note paid off before my $3200 credit card bill. The only difference is, with my car, the balance goes down every time I pay it. It will be paid off in 2014, if not sooner. My credit card has interest that just keeps building up. Lame, but true.

Work has slowed considerably since Monday. We got in barely half the amount of trucks today as we did on Monday. I wonder if tomorrow will be just as slow or if it'll pick up a little.

I dunno what else to say.

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multi-tasking
Tuesday. 6.2.09 1:03 pm
At the moment, I'm texting 3 people, fixing myself something to eat and writing a blog. Multi-tasking, it's fun stuff.

Yesterday and today at work it was busy. Not quite as busy for us security as it was for the warehouse workers {they worked 12 hours yesterday; we only worked our 8} but still. Between yesterday and today I spent close to 16 hours on my feet. Between standing by the docks and walking drivers to and from the docks, my feet and legs are a little sore.

If the rest of the week continues this way, it'll be good to pass the time quickly, but I'm going to have to give in and soak in a bath to soothe my sore muscles.

~~ Add washing dishes to the multi-task list ~~

I guess the role has been reversed for this week. Last week work wasn't very busy, but my home life was packed. This week work is busy, but I haven't been doing anything else. I don't really have enough gas in my car to do much. I just put my last $10 in my gas tank, which got me a whole 4 gallons of gas, so that I would be able to get to and from work until payday.

Next month I should actually be able to save up some money; we get three paychecks in July. I'll have to see what I can do about my bills and suck for this month though. Rent has already been taken care of. My car and insurance have to come out of this paycheck, as well as a few of the smaller charges. My next one, though, has to go towards my cell phone, rent again and the u-haul.

Other than work, not much is going on. I don't have any kind of exciting stories to write about, nor some weird events that are currently happening. So I guess I'll just go back to finishing the dishes.

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thinking ...
Monday. 6.1.09 5:40 pm
I've been thinking just now, about why I'm okay with where Jake and I are at right now. And I've come to the conclusion that it's because he's choosing to still stay around. He's still here in my life.

If he were to suddenly go, or even warn me that he was going or that he didn't want to be involved in my life anymore, I'd be torn to pieces again. Even moreso than when we broke up because even when we broke up, he said he was still going to be there for me. He was going to be a friend.

I'm also torn right now because I'm letting a dream get to me. I'm trying to figure out what it means, if anything. {I'm still undecided as to whether I believe dreams mean anything or nothing}

I've had two in the last two weeks that both revolve around the same context, the same person, but the events that happened in the two dreams were different. The feeling it gave me was the same, though.

In my dream, I enjoyed being with this person. I liked the feeling of comfort that being around him and having him hold me, gave me. The dreams, in essence, made me feel happy. But when I woke up, my conscious self wasn't sure I liked the comfort my subconscious gave me. I don't feel as if I should like the fact that the dreams made me happy.

I've narrowed it down to two possibilities causing the discomfort. One, I'm unhappy that I'm dreaming about being happy with someone other than Jacob. Or two, I'm unhappy simply because of who the person is that I'm dreaming about.

I guess the unfortunate side effect to allowing this dream to remain known in my conscious self is that I have to face the confused feeling every day. I don't know how to act around him. {yes, I see him on a regular basis} I guess I'm not acting any different, to my knowledge, but who knows what other people see and think.

Perfect example: today, I was told by more than one person that I looked different; that I looked more awake and happy. I didn't think I looked any different than the usual tired that I am. So looks can be interpretted differently depending on the person seeing it.

I asked the guy today what he thought dreams meant. I sort of explained the feeling the dreams gave me and he told me dreams were a sign. That I shouldn't need more than two to prove it's a sign. I doubt he'd still feel the same if he knew the dreams were about him ...

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the start of another week
Sunday. 5.31.09 1o:31 am
I have no plans for today. I think after the busy week I just finished, doing nothing but relaxing is a good way to start out the new week. I might get bored really quickly, but it just comes with the territory of doing nothing.

I slept fairly decently last night. I was so tired when I finally layed down I don't think it took long for me to be unconscious. But I still feel like I could sleep so I might do that in a little bit. I'll let my cereal that I just ate digest a little bit before dozing off.

Being broke sucks. Being broke beyond broke is even worse. Being in debt is the worst of all, but I'm not quite there yet. I would be, though, if I didn't have overdraft protection on my checking account.

I've had the overdraft protection kick in twice now, in the last week. Sadly, the things I'm buying aren't necessary. I could have lived without that shake from Ben & Jerry's yesterday. I also could have lived without going to the Art 'N' Ink Festival yesterday as well.

I don't even remember what had caused me to be overdraft the first time this past week. I think it was a bill so that was legitimate. I can't not pay my bills.

Unfortunately my car insurance rate went up $12 because I moved into a not-so-good part of town. That's the advantage to living in a nicer area: lower car insurance. Not sure why they base your car insurance on what zip code you live in, but they do. It's annoying.

I really wish I could get enough money to pay off my credit card. Just give them one final payment of the total amount due. But where the hell am I supposed to get $3100? Sure, I could gamble and pray for a jackpot, but I can't risk any of the money I have on something that's not a sure thing. Oh well.

Alright, I think I'm gonna go take a nap. Screw letting my food digest properly. It's not like I planned on doing any kind of exercise to help it along.

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