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The end is approaching
Sunday. 11.16.14 8:47 pm
Or a new beginning. However you want to look at it.

It's funny to me that people make resolutions on January 1st. What makes that day so much more significant than any other 1st of the month? Is it because the year changes? What makes New Year's Day the most important one? I'm not sure about you, but I have several "new years" throughout the year.

For example, July 1st is a new year for me. It signifies that the anniversary of my father's passing has passed and it's a whole year before that day comes again. October 5th is a new year for me because it signifies that I'm still alive so many years after my birth. Anniversaries, birthdays, death days. These are all examples of what could signify a New Year. What is it that makes January 1st so special for everyone?

With less than 60 days left in 2014, I'm ready for 2015. I haven't a clue what it's going to bring, but it's certainly going to come, whether I'm prepared for it or not.

With Thanksgiving quickly approaching, I'm actually incredibly thankful for all that's happened to me this year. It all started on December 26th and progressed from there. This year has had many ups and downs, ridiculously high peaks and corresponding low valleys. A friend of mine pointed out that going uphill is much more of a challenge than going downhill. The downhill part is easy, so the phrase should be reversed. I disagree, however, because the uphill part is much more fun. It's much more rewarding at the end, when you reach that plateau and you realize just how awesome it is to be there; how all your hard work paid off for the amazing reward at the end.

In my opinion, going downhill is much more challenging. It happens much faster, but it can be quite painful. If you slip and fall, there's a very good chance that you can keep falling. Going uphill, if you slip, you're already facing the right direction so you just kind of take a pause until you can regain your footing. When I would go hiking, going downhill was the worst part. I never fell on a cactus going uphill. I never twisted ankles or got quite so scratched up when going uphill. Yes, it's hard work and it takes a lot out of you sometimes, but the reward is what makes it worth it.

This past few weeks have been dull and boring, just as I wished for. I'm also incredibly thankful for that. It's nice being able to breathe again.

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Friday. 11.14.14 8:26 am
Whoa ... I kind of dropped off the grid there. Not intentionally, however. Usually when I disappear for a few days, I do so on purpose. Well, as of late that's the way it seems to happen. This time it was just because I had nothing interesting to write about. I had absolutely nothing going on through my head that I felt needed to be 'put down on paper.'

Today is my 10 year anniversary with NuTang! Gosh, it's hard to believe that I've been doing this for 10 years. There's not much evidence of the beginning, however, because I stupidly deleted all of the entries from that time. They were all password protected and, at the time of deletion, I had no idea how to retrieve all the old passwords. I have since learned how, but there's no way to get back deleted entries. I'm oddly okay with it, though there are times I wish I could go back and read about what was going on so that I can see how far I've come. I mean, I know the memories I have, but it's not the same as when you see what's been written down.

Considering the most recent life situation that I've been dealing with, it's kind of interesting how heartbreak was the original reason as to why I even started this blog. My first true heartbreak, the one that sent me over the edge and caused me to hit rock bottom. Since then I have sworn not to go down the same path and I've upheld that promise to myself. I started to fall in to it a little bit back in September; I stopped eating for a few days, but I reached out and got back up from my mini-tantrum. It's been two months since the fateful mistake and I'd like to think that I've done quite well with myself.

I'm going to do something today to celebrate this 10 year long commitment. Rarely does something last this long anymore these days. I haven't a clue what I'm going to do, but I'm sure it'll be fitting and fantastic.

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Oops, I forgot a title.
Monday. 11.10.14 5:20 pm
Perhaps if I stop talking about dreams, they'll stop. . . mentally yelling "get out of my head!" and "leave me the fuck alone!" doesn't seem to do anything.

I nearly forgot just how bright the sun actually is. When it sits this far south in the sky, driving home at certain times of the day means that it's not high enough in the sky anymore for it to be above the line where my windshield connects to the roof, so the bright ass ball of fire just burns in to my retinas. The visors only help so much. Driving at certain angles means that the sun is above my rear view mirror, between where the visors reach. It's going to be sunny the next few days. . .

Tomorrow is one of those weird "holidays" where some companies recognize it as such, where others don't. The contract company I work for does recognize it, so I'll be getting holiday pay for working tomorrow. However, the hospital I'm posted at doesn't, so it'll be business as usual. 99% of the time, the holidays are recognized as the same and when we get holiday pay, it indicates that the facility will be closed so it'll be an easy money day. I honestly wish it was like that tomorrow since Tuesday is my least favorite day of the week. However, since it's not, I guess I just hope for the best. At least I know that my next rent check will have a little bit of extra money on it.

Thanksgiving is two weeks from Thursday. It's kind of exciting and kind of not at the same time. I think I've always been pretty 'meh' about the holiday season {at least since 1995.} I'm going to a friend's place the Saturday after Thanksgiving for a small get together they're having. I have to figure out what I want to bring. I'd like to make it myself, but I'll probably just end up buying something from the store, or bakery. I have plenty of time to figure it out.

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Uhm, what?
Sunday. 11.9.14 8:52 pm
All summer long the weather forecasters have been talking about this being a 'warmer-than-normal' winter, which means that there will be above average temperatures, less rain thus causing less snow so all the skiers and snow enthusiasts will have to find other activities to occupy their time.

Until today when there was suddenly an article saying that the 80% chance of this happening is now down to about a 58% chance and the extended forecast has us getting snow on Thursday. . .

Uhm, okay then. Perhaps after 4 years of living in this city, I should invest in snow appropriate accessories for my vehicle. Just in case this is the year of whacked out winter weather.

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Dream sequence
Saturday. 11.8.14 8:49 pm
There's so many different things that tell you what dreams mean or what the causes are behind the context of different dreams, but it still doesn't help answer why certain dreams are easier to handle than others. Why are some dreams, that seem innocent enough, more bothersome than others? I've found that, regardless of the content, if I'm dreaming about people I know, those are the ones that bother me most. If I dream about people I don't know, again regardless of the content, I'm less affected.

If I could choose, I'd rather not have any dreams at all, but since I don't get to have that as an option, I'd rather just not dream about people I know. Last night's dream was fairly simple. I was hanging out at my friend's house helping her in her garden and her husband was inside talking to his publisher. He had suffered some kind of injury that required him to have a cane for the rest of his life, so he somehow became a writer. The mood wasn't bad, but I woke up feeling uncomfortable.

A couple weeks ago, when I was watching AHS, I had a dream about an old friend and his wife. Now, the whole point in watching AHS right before bed was to have twisted dreams because I wanted to get a horrible night's sleep. My wish was granted, however, I'd much rather have just had twisted dreams about random characters from the show than about this guy and his wife tormenting people inside the Asylum. I wanted a horrible night's sleep, not daytime nightmares.

In retrospect, I dreamed about being inside an old barn with torture devices and different rooms and suddenly I was inside an abandoned town with the same kind of setting, along with a monkey in a cage that was being saved for something. I didn't recognize any of the people in that dream and I woke up feeling just fine. Even with as twisted and whacked out as that dream was, nothing felt uneasy about it. That only seems to happen when I know the cast of the dream.

I still have an unopened bottle of Zzzquil, which will most likely remain that way. The other bottle I finished off created dreams I'd rather not discuss {it could have also been the stress I was going through at the time} and after a week of using it almost every night, I was sick the entire week following {also could have had to do with the stress.} But because that was the product I happened to be using when all this shit was going down, it now has that uncomfortable effect tied to it so I'll likely never use it again. I wonder if anyone I know would want it ...

I know I've discussed not wanting to dream quite a few times in the past. You can always tell when it's been a while since they affected me because I only seem to talk about wanting them to stop when one {or more} affect me quite strongly.

So here's to hoping I have a dreamless night...

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Walking backwards
Friday. 11.7.14 10:02 pm
Whenever someone tells you to take a couple steps back, how do you picture that happening? Figuratively, of course. No one literally takes a couple steps back. Do you picture it as actually walking backwards or do you picture it as turning around, going back a few steps then turning back to face forward? Or, do you look in a different direction completely?

When you're forced to take a couple steps back and reevaluate your life, or job or whatever situation that you're currently in, it's challenging to put on the brakes and stop what you're doing. Mentally, your brain wants to keep going. It wants to make sense of everything that's happening. Slamming on the brakes only works for some. Others, like myself, have to take time and tap on the brakes multiple times before they finally seem to give. However, once they give, it's only a short matter of time before control is regained and you can begin moving forward again; regardless of which direction that puts you, it's still forward motion.

I didn't clean today. Well ... no, I didn't clean today. I organized my sock and underwear drawers and got rid of a bunch of old clothes that I didn't realize I even still had. The room still looks a mess, but I take comfort in the fact that I no longer have to fight for space between my socks and undies. I'm sure I'll eventually get my room move-ready. It'll most likely be when I'm actually moving and have a deadline.

The location of tomorrow's jog is yet to be determined. There's a couple places I want to go, but I'll probably end up back at the park I seem to be frequenting. I'll most likely go there on Sunday as well. It works just fine, really. It gives me flat ground and hills to work with. My friend said don't fix something if it's not broken; it's more for just a change in scenery rather than wanting a different challenge. The next jaunt I want to try out will probably wait until I have money because there's place near there that I want to try their breakfast. Perhaps in a couple weeks? We'll see what my finances look like. It may have to wait till next month. The cool thing about this city is that there's so many options for jogging. It's a very physically active city. I doubt I'll ever be able to get to them all so I'll never be allowed to complain of being bored from routine.

Alright, I was going to push myself to stay awake longer than normal, since it's Friday, but I'm having trouble focusing on the screen and with nothing better to do, why not give in to sleep?

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