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Tolerance
Sunday. 5.13.07 1:39 pm
I got two phone calls this morning, a text message and a person pounding on my door. This is what I woke up to. The two phone calls were from Gary and Erin bitching me the fuck out about my shitty close last night. I know that I didn't do a good job, but I wasn't aware that it was that bad. The text message was from Gary telling me, yet again, to come in and do what wasn't done last night. The person pounding on my door was Lance. He was sent by Gary to come pick me up so that I'd go in and finish my job. I'm sorry, but that's not the way I like being woken up in the morning.

I dealt with it though. All the bitching was done through my voicemail so when I got there, all they told me was to make sure that never happened again. I was expecting to be yelled at and lectured and written up, but neither of those things happened. All I had to do was clean the dining area {which is what wasn't done last night} I can understand why they were pissed off too cuz today is Mother's Day and we're going to be very busy today. The dining area is the part of the restaurant that customers see so obviously its what needs to be the cleanest. I have to close manager again tonight so I am going to make sure its clean.

Now, the reason I titled this entry 'tolerance' is because in the morning Gary listens to country music. I can't stand country music. I grew up with it until about the age of 11, but now I seriously can't stand listening to it. However, Justin is a country boy and he listens to country as well. This morning while I was cleaning the lobby, I had to listen to country music and I didn't complain not once. I knew that I really didn't have the right to complain about the music choice, but it was hard for me not to say anything at all when Gary was purposely trying to bug me with it.

I'm trying to build up a tolerance for country music so that Justin can listen to it in the truck when we go out. I mean, he doesn't have to change the station when I'm with him, but he does cuz he knows I don't like country. But I don't want it to be unfair so if I can build up a tolerance for it, I can listen to it in the truck and not complain. This morning, I listened to every single song that played {some lyrics are weird as hell} and I dunno if that's the reason, but I don't remember any of the songs that played. Not one single song. So maybe if I do that on the mornings that I work with Gary, I can build up enough of a tolerance to handle it around Justin. I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

Anywho, I have to be at work in an hour and a half and I don't really have anything else to say. So I'll write more later.

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*big long ass sigh*
Saturday. 5.12.07 11:54 pm
I'm still pissed that I had to work tonight, but it wasn't uber {or even super} busy so I wasn't running around trying to keep everyone caught up. An hour and a half before we closed, it died so I didn't have to worry about customers at all for the remainder of the night. I didn't make labor, but the only thing I could have done was get people off the clock sooner. But since I didn't do that and I didn't make labor, I'm expecting Gary to get all pissy with me. What-the-fuck-ever.

Anywho, I really wish I could have seen Justin tonight. I know I saw him last night, but I don't know when I'll see him again. I know I won't see him tomorrow because I have to work tomorrow night and its Mother's Day so he's going to be spending time with his mother. Maybe I'll see him Monday or Tuesday. I can only hope right?

I'm sore right now. Part of it is because I fell asleep on the floor last night and I can't sleep on the floor. I can't even really lay on the floor. Due to my hip problem, I need cushion. My left hip {the one I had most of my weight on} is killing me. I can't walk right cuz I'm in pain. Sometimes this hip problem makes me feel old.

The other part is from all the crying I did this morning; my abs and rib cage are sore. My abs hurt worse though. I can't even laugh without having the instant knowledge that my abs hurt. I'm hoping that at least my hip is better by morning. I can deal with my abs and ribs being sore for another day.

Alright, I don't know what else to say so I'll write again whenever.

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I can't do this anymore
Saturday. 5.12.07 10:50 am
This was supposed to be a good entry where I'm happy, but alas, that's not the case. So if you don't feel like reading about me being upset and pissed off I'd advise that you not read further.

First off, last night was fun. I went to Tiffany's Gong Show. The high school drama kids put it on. Justin was with me so I had an even better time. After the show it was 10:30 so it was a little to late for us to go out to do anything so we came back to my place and watched Waiting... If you've ever worked in a food industry, you need to watch that movie cuz you will laugh your ass off. Even if you haven't worked in food, you should still watch the movie, but you won't understand some of the things that go on. I was apparently more tired than I thought cuz I dozed off while cuddling with him. He woke me up at 1:30am cuz he had to go home. I didn't want him to leave, but I knew he had to. I knew I'd see him today anyway. Or so I thought.

Which brings us to the shitty part. I have to work tonight. I have no choice about it either. Today is my day off. I had already made plans with Justin, but now they can't happen. I'm so sick of working at this place. I was going to say no, but I couldn't. Not because I myself couldn't say no, but I just couldn't. I have to work tonight cuz there's no one else who can cover the shift.

Why? Why the fuck does this have to happen to me? I mean, did I do something wrong to deserve this? At this point having to work when I don't want to, I almost consider a punishment.

I hate this. I hate having to cancel all of my plans just to accomidate other people. And at this point its not just myself that I'm hurting. I'm making the plans with Justin and having to cancel them, I'm hurting him too. I hate having to do that. I don't just get pissed off anymore. The tears are flowing now.

I don't want to do this anymore. I wish I could just quit my job and live out the rest of my lease without working about it. But since living a decent {although sometimes shitty} life isn't free. I have a little over 7 weeks of bullshit and torture before I'll be done with work.

But I'm living through conflicting feelings right now too. I can't wait to be done with work so that I can leave, but I want to spend as much time as I can with Justin. I don't want to leave him. But I can't have both, and I'm not staying in Tucson just so that I can stay with him. It sucks having to deal with this. Being really happy one moment to becoming just completely and utterly depressed another moment is not good.

Depression fucks with my eating. Meaning I don't. At all. I didn't eat anything yesterday and I probably won't eat anything today either. Who knows if I'm going to eat anything Sunday. I would have eaten today had I not gotten the phone call telling me that I had to cancel my plans with Justin and work tonight {they didn't say that cuz they didn't know I had made plans, but that's what it sounded like to me}

It may sound weird, but the tears that came tell me two things: one, I really fucking hate my job {which I didn't need reminding in} and two, I care more about Justin than I had originally wanted to. I didn't want to get attached to Justin cuz I knew I was leaving, but I did anyway.

Fuck. I don't even know what to say anymore. And I need to stop crying so that I can actually focus on the screen. My eyes are starting to hurt from both crying and trying to focus on the screen through the tears. So I guess that's it for this entry.

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Meh
Thursday. 5.10.07 10:43 am
So, I was supposed to see Justin yesterday, but it didn't happen. He had to fix the brakes on his car before he could go anywhere and seeing as how he didn't call me when he was done, I'm guessing that it was late when he finished and he just went to bed. I'm not terribly bothered by it cuz I know that his car needs work, but I haven't seen him in almost a week. Its good that we don't see or talk to each other every day, that we give one another personal space, but ... I dunno. This would be easier if I had a car, but of course, things can't be made that easy. Damnit.

If I didn't have to work tonight, I'd see him tonight, but again it can't be made that easy. I had a small chance to get tonight off, but no one could cover my shift. I'd be at work right now if that had happened, but since I'm here writing, obviously I'm not working.

I think last night was one of the first nights in a quite a while that I didn't talk to Stuart. Even on nights that he has hockey, I talk to him afterwards, but last night I just didn't text him. And he didn't text me. Funny enough, it didn't bother me. Maybe I'll talk to him tonight, but unless he texts me, I don't think its going to happen. Oh well.

Justin said he'll be over tomorrow night. Tiffany's Gong Show is tomorrow night and I'm gonna go. I'm gonna see if I can drag Justin with me. Two reasons: I told Tiffany I would go whether Justin was with me or not and Tiffany wants to meet Justin. So Justin and I will have something to do {even if it is ridiculous} and Tiffany can meet him. Two birds, one stone.

Meh, I had something else to talk about, but I'm watching Scrubs so I don't remember what I was going to say. Maybe I'll write later if I can think of what it was I was going to say.

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Lunch
Tuesday. 5.8.07 4:08 pm
So Steve and I went out to lunch today. I enjoyed it. Its the first time that we've hung out outside of work in over a year. We got our food fairly quickly so we were able to take our time eating. We were at the restaurant for about 2 hours. I'm glad we went. Steve suggested that we go on a double date to that restaurant, but I'm not sure if its going to happen.

I'm off today and since I already went out, I'm extremely bored now. I'm not going to be going out again today cuz Justin is doing some family thing. I get to see him tomorrow though. I think that we're just going to stay in and watch movies. I need to stop eating out so much cuz I'm starting to gain weight instead of losing it.

K, I have nothing to say. I'll write again whenever.

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Sore
Sunday. 5.6.07 7:59 pm
I was sore today. My legs hurt, my arms hurt, I still have a headache; my whole body is sore. I'm glad that it was slow today. I didn't have to push myself too hard.

I actually cooked food tonight. Like, not in the microwave. I have the recipe for my mom's spanish rice and I decided that I wanted to make it. So I did. And it turned out just like my mom makes it! Its absolutely delicious! I might have to make it more often.

Anywho, I've decided that I'm done with Stuart. I'm not going to stop talking to him, but I'm too into Justin now {even though I was trying not to become that into him} I don't want to do anything to hurt him. I've actually been with Justin for at least a month if not more. I think its been more. But I haven't seen Stuart in like 2 1/2 weeks and I'm sick of waiting and hoping. So I'm just done with him.

Alrighty, I'm gonna go enjoy my spanish rice and watch some TV. I'll write again whenever.

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