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Help me
Wednesday. 7.18.07 8:05 pm
There's nothing that anyone can really do to help me. Time is about the only thing that will help this.

I'm very confused about the way that I feel for Stuart. I wish there was a way that I could get over him without losing him. I love staying up to talk to him and joke around with him. Even the other night when we actually talked about what was going on in my head and his, though some of the things bothered me, it didn't actually hit me until after we stopped talking for the night. That's when I got upset.

I really want to see him again. I wish that there was a way for us to somehow be together in the future, but the odds of that are thinner than a piece of paper. Among many, many reasons one of them is that he doesn't like me in the same way. I'm not sure if him telling me that hurt more or him telling me that he was still into his exgirlfriend too much to put much emotion towards me. Both of them hurt me, but I'm not sure which one was worse.

Anywho I haven't really been looking too intently for a job. There's not really a whole lot I can do right now because I have very limited access to the car seeing as how my mom works during the day. She's off work tomorrow and Friday so hopefully then I'll be able to go out and apply at places. Due to my limited access to the car, I'm limited to where I can apply at. I need something near by so that I can get the car and head right out to work. If I work too far from the house it would limit my available hours even more than they already are. Hopefully I'll find something close by that pays well.

I guess that's it for today. My mind is too "focused" on how confused I am about Stuart. I'll write again whenever and hopefully then I'll have a more clear mind.

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Cars ...
Tuesday. 7.17.07 9:26 pm
I've decided that I want my first car to be used, but I want it to be somewhere between an '01 and now. {yes, there are '07s that are used} I also want it to be a convertable. I want every car that I own to be a convertable car. My mom suggested that I get a hard top convertable rather than a soft top because they're actually safer. She's funny cuz she keeps saying "a person who buys a soft top convertable might as well have the locks taken off their car cuz you won't need them" Its true, in a way. Even if you have locks on your car, or even a car alarm, all a person has to do is slash the top to get into your car.

You are limited on what models have hard tops though. Soft top is cheaper to maufacture on a car, but its about 3 or 4 thousand to repair if it is slashed. I'm probably going to end up getting a soft top and just praying that I don't have it slashed.

Right now, I'm debating between three different cars. I am going to have a convertable MINI even if it isn't my first car. I'd just be incredibly stoked if it was my first car. I want a Mustang convertable, not exactly sure on the specific model, but I do want a Mustang. And the third car that I've been looking at is the Saturn Sky. I really like it because its small. Its only a two seater, but that's fine with me. Less people to hitch rides from me. The only time that becomes a problem is when I want more than just one friend to come and hang out.

I know that I can get any of these cars without too much issue because my credit is pretty damn good. I've never made a late payment and I've never been overdrawn on my bank accounts. I've got good credit history with a credit card company, with my cell phone company and with the cable company. I've had my own apartment for the last 2 1/2 years and have always paid my rent on time. Pretty much the only thing is that I canceled my cable account because I moved and that's a legitimate reason. So pretty much, I'm set on credit right now.

I think its funny that I'm already deciding what kind of car I want before I even have my license, but this will give me some sort of game plan for when I do finally get my license and a job and money for the car. In that time, I can also research the cars and see what kinds of things they each come with and compare the benefits of each car.

Alright, I think that's it. I have a wireless router now so my connection is awesome. And I don't have to bum off whoever has a router without a secure network. I can't think of anything else to say so I'll write again whenever.

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Tuesday. 7.17.07 5:37 am
So Stuart and I just talked for a good 3 1/2 hours. We talked about how I felt towards him and how he felt about the situation. About the reasons why it wouldn't have worked and why it never will. About things that are going through his mind and things that are going through my mind.

I'm not happy with everything that was said, but I'm glad we were able to talk about it. I know that its still going to take me a while before I can change my feelings for him from liking him to being chill about being just friends with him. I'm hoping that with time and the distractions I'll have here {ie: a job, new friends, etc} that I'll be able to not focus on him as much as I am now.

I still really want to see him, but I'm sure its only a feeling that will pass. And its only being brought on because its only been a few days since I last saw him. With time, I'm sure this will pass, as do most things similar to this.

Please, God, let me keep him as a good friend, if I can't have anything more. Stuart is someone that I don't want to lose.

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As promised
Monday. 7.16.07 12:49 pm
I said last night that I would write more today, so here it is. I've also uploaded the pictures to my gallery like I said I would. You should check them out, even though they're nothing special.

I'm not liking it here so far. I don't think I'd rather be back in Tucson, but I haven't started any kind of routine here yet. I think once I get into a routine and actually get out on my own, living in Vegas won't be as bad.

I'm really missing Stuart. I was talking to him last night, like I usually do, but this time I had to not try and convince him to come over. I'm so used to trying that it was difficult for me not to.

I don't think he {or even I} realized just how much I like him. He's the one that I miss the most right now. He's the reason why I was crying every night for a week before I left Tucson. I keep picturing him in my head and I keep wishing, if there was a way I could see him please make it happen. But I know that he won't come out to Vegas just to see me. Just like I'm unable to make a random trip back to Tucson just simply to see him. I'm hoping that time and distractions will help me not be so upset about leaving him. {this is the 4th guy that I've lost due to me moving away. you would think that by now I'd have learned not to get attached to anyone with the indefinate knowledge of me moving, but obviously its much easier said than done}

I feel completely alone right now. I'm alone in a house full of people. Its not a very good feeling to have. I'm so used to living on my own, its going to be very difficult to get used to there being people around me. Having to conform to the ways of the house instead of me making up my own rules.

I guess it wouldn't be as bad if I had my own room where I'd have privacy, but I'm sleeping on the couch cuz all three rooms are occupied. Three of the now five people in the house smoke. Again, I wouldn't really mind as much if it were just my mom smoking {even though I want her to quit}, but I can't even ask them to kindly step outside to smoke. This is not my house. I have no say in this situation.

Alright, I have plenty of other things to say, but I need to get some things done. I'll write more probably later on tonight.

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Monday. 7.16.07 12:01 am
This is going to be very quick. I'm pretty sore and tired right now, so sleep sounds wonderful.

Today was spent driving. I wasn't driving; I technically couldn't since my name wasn't on the minivan rental agreement, but sitting in the car for the 8 hours it took us to get from Tucson to Las Vegas was actually pretty exhausting. I would have slept in the car, but I have a lot of trouble sleeping in a moving vehicle, even a plane.

I took some pictures, as did my sister. Hers probably came out waaay better than mine seeing as how I was only using my phone and she was using an actual camera. I'll upload them to my gallery tomorrow.

Alrighty, I'm off to get some sleep. I shall write more tomorrow.

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An exhausting two days
Saturday. 7.14.07 9:53 pm
Disclaimer: I'm warning you now, I'm writing for two days so this one could be a really, really long entry.

Yesterday was a nice day. The four of us met at my place and Lance offered to be the "chauffeur". We went to the movies first and sat in line {yes, sat; we got there like, and hour early} until they let us in the theater and then sat there for another 30 minutes before the movie started.

Harry Potter 5 was a good movie, but there was a lot missing from what was in the book. If you hadn't read the book, then yes, you would have loved the movie. But if you've read the book, there are some things that you won't like.

After the movie we headed over to Lance's house so that he could pick up a couple movies for us to watch inbetween lunch and bowling {we ended up not watching them anyway; we watched something else} When we left Lance's house, he drove up to his dad's house so that he could look for his Harry Potter books, but when he realized that he didn't have them there, he sat down and started playing around with his drums. Katie, Tiff and I were all still sitting out in the car. He did come out, but not for about 15 minutes. We asked him what he was doing and he said killing time. Bowling was at 10pm and it was only about 3:30pm.

When we left his dad's house, we finally headed out to lunch. It was decided that we go to Olive Garden, since I had never been. We wanted something like Applebee's, but not Applebee's. IHOP was suggested as was Denny's and Red Lobster, but when I told them that I had never been to Olive Garden, that's what made up the decision. The food was good. We ended up splitting the bill 4 ways and each of us paid about $15. Good food for a fairly decent price.

After lunch we all came back to my place and watched Dane Cook. We had been listening to it in the car so we decided it would be worth it to watch his stand-up. And it entertained us for a little while, but then I realized that I had wanted to go to Spencer's so that I could make a specific purchase. So when we were done watching the DVD, we piled back in the car and went back to the mall.

Once there, I went to Spencer's and bought what I had gone there for. After that Tiffany and I decided that since we had told that kiosk guy we would be back and since we were already at the mall anyway, we went to find the kiosk. His face lit up when he saw us back there with definate intent on a purchase. I'm not surprised though, at his reaction, since most people say they'll be back, but never end up going back. Tiffany bought some baby oil stuff with Vitamin E in it since its good for your skin and the whole bottle would last at least 5 months. I got suckered in and ended up buying some pretty colored bath salts in a glass container for my sister.

Once we were done at the mall, we came back to my place again to watch more of the DVD and rest for a bit before bowling. Around 9:45pm, Katie announced that she was beat from the day and was going to go home and sleep instead of go bowling with us. It was a little sad, but I was alright with it. I've gone bowling with Tiffany and Lance before so I knew it would be fun even without Katie there. So I said my goodbye to Katie and about 5 minutes later, the 3 of us remaining left to the bowling alley.

Bowling was fun. I haven't been bowling since back in September when I went bowling with people from work. It was $10 for unlimited games in the three hour time frame they gave you and that included shoe rental. We played 4 games altogether and decided to leave around midnight. I won the 1st and 3rd game with 102 and 105, respectively. Tiffany won the 2nd game {I don't remember her score} and Lance won the last game with 114.

We left the bowling alley and headed over the hotel that my mom and sister are staying at so that I could pick up my laptop. I had let them borrow it for the day so that they would have something to do if they decided to stay in. I introduced Tiffany and Lance to my mom and sister. We talked for a minute and then the three of us came back to my place. We finished watching the second Dane Cook DVD I had and then I walked them down to their cars.

The plan was for them to leave at around 1am, but Lance didn't leave until just after 2 and Tiff ended up staying till around 3. I came back upstairs and had just about given up hoping that Stuart would come over, when he knocked on my door at 3:20am.

He was here until just after 6am so I ended up not going to sleep until around 6:30am. I was supposed to be up at 9, but apparently I was just so tired that I slept through my alarm {it automatically shuts off after 5 minutes} and didn't wake up till quarter till noon. I called my mom to let her know that I was up and it was okay for her to bring my sister over so that she and I would be able to pack up my apartment.

She came over around 1pm and we started to work. Around 6ish my mom, Jean and Steve came over to pick my sister and I up so that we could go over to my old work since I promised them dinner from there. My sister and I got a cheese calzone and the other three got spaghetti. It was tasty and I was able to say goodbye to a couple other people. My mom dropped us back off at my apartment so that we could finish up for the night. After we got most of the packing done she tackled the task of cleaning my bathroom and I attacked my kitchen.

We're done for the night though. My sister went back to the hotel with my mom and we're going to finish packing up the minivan in the morning. The things that are going in the pickup truck are already gone from my apartment. I still need to do last minute packing, such as my suitcase, but other than that, I'm pretty much done. I'm not bringing any of my furnature, except the small side table/dresser thing that my TV was sitting on.

Alright, this is the longest entry that I've written in probably two years, but I'm writing about yesterday and today. With that being said, I'm off to take a shower. I'm in desperate need of one .... well, maybe not desperate, but I haven't taken a shower since yesterday morning and from working all day, I feel gross. And my legs are really sore from using them to carry stuff down three flights of stairs so I'm hoping the hot water will loosen them up a little. I shall write at some point tomorrow. Probably from on the road or when I arrive in Las Vegas.

BTW, the specific items that I bought from Spencer's are tongue rings. One that vibrates {this one is specifically for the guys ... and Stuart loved it} and a set of 5 tongue rings that are referred to as French ticklers. They have plastic/rubber spiked balls on the top that are supposed to tickle when used a certain way.

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