Jacob keeps telling me that once I realize most people are selfish, it'll make it easier to accept. Even if I realize it, I still have trouble with it.

Is it selfish of me to want him to stay with me? Is it selfish for me to want him to still do the cute little things that I loved so much in the beginning? The things that made me smile and simply be in a better mood throughout the day? Is it selfish for me to want him to tell me he loves me?

I want what seems like so many different things; the "I want" is what makes them all sound selfish.

Him? He only wants one thing from me. To understand him. That's not much to ask for. It's only one little thing. Yet ...

This depression is tearing me up. Crying has become a regular thing again. I haven't been eating and people are starting to notice. Who would have guessed though; eating two things in the last three days ... people are bound to notice.

What makes this even worse is that I don't mean to bring people down with me, but they are because they're either worried or pissed. I think it's varying now. And it's making me feel worse. I guess it's time to pull out the fake smiles and forced ... I wouldn't say "happiness," but something along those lines.

I know that I need to get out of the house, other than just to work, but when I'm like this, I just want to lock myself up in a room and curl up in the corner. My problem with that is that I want someone to come in and comfort me. Jake would do that, but he's sick of me being like this. It's annoying him so he just wants to stay away.

I think I need to start trying to get out of it.

... one of the biggest reasons for this is that I'm still terrified that once I move out of the apartment, he'll end the relationship. Moving in was a test; it would either strengthen the relationship or kill it. So far it's been tough, but it's still going. Moving out will be an even bigger test. Will he realize that it's better without me? Or will the time apart and the space we need help to strengthen it?

There are other things, but I need to go to work. Perhaps I'll write about them later.

That sucks :( I'm sorry that it's that way. I think that's the same thing that happened with me and Brian. He realized though that after I left and "moved on" that he couldn't live without me. Maybe leaving will be better for you two to make things work.
» lazypuppy on 2008-09-10 12:28:30

You need to lose your fear and realize that whatever happens happens, and that you are ultimately responsible for your own happiness regardless of the situation you're in. Easier said than done, but it's not impossible. (I know because I've been there.)

Hope things look up soon!
» ranor on 2008-09-10 01:59:42

Sometimes no matter how you try to save it, it can't be saved. Maybe you moving out would be good for both of you as I think he needs his space and you would be able to do things, like crying everyday, and still not drive him away because he won't know.

Regardless, I hope both of you could work things out soon. This relationship is taking a big toll on you.
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» Arnoldo (222.92.117.241) on 2010-09-03 09:21:33

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