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a sore jaw ...
Sunday. 2.10.08 10:09 pm
... is what happens when you take full-size bites out of a solid chocolate bunny that's close to, or just over, a year old.

I have a headache again. The prominence of my headaches seem to be a more reoccuring incident as of late. I always have a headache, but lately, they're more painful and not as easy to ignore. Oh well.

I've been keeping up with my not-so-outspoken goal of eating less. Because I'm not living by myself, I have to make sure I eat at least dinner to keep people from saying something to me. It would be easier to go longer without eating if I don't have people around me all the time.

What do you think it is that causes people to do things they shouldn't? I think it's the simple fact that if you're told you can't or shouldn't do something, it drives you that much more to go forth with the action. Now, I haven't done anything, but the urge to want to ... is getting so much harder to resist. For the sake of the possibility of certain people reading this, I'm not going to say what it is I want so badly to do. I might write about it later in a PWP entry on one of my other blogs. If I do so, feel free to ask me for the password and I'll give it to you.

It's kind of like criminals who steal because they know they shouldn't and that the consequences could be dire, but they do it to prove they can and that they can get away with it. The only problem with that incentive is that you tend to continue pushing your luck and then that one fateful day comes when you push too far and are caught. I'm hoping to not even give in, let alone push it to that point.

Anywho, Lori's boyfriend got a job at my work. It's a good thing for him because he needs the money. Probably about as badly as I need mine, but his need for it is a little more immediate than mine. I'm saving up the money for a later date. He's in debt and needs to get his car fixed pretty much ASAP ... so you get the idea. This will also give him the chance to take Lori out more often and that'll make her happy which will, in turn, make for an all around better atmosphere.

Alrighty, I think that's it for tonight. My headache is causing my focal point to be on that rather than on what I'm writing.

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bowling again
Sunday. 2.10.08 1:29 am
I still suck at bowling. But my first game I actually managed to get over 100. Which is odd for a first game. The second game I would have gotten over 100, but Bri had her goddaughter and we were all taking turns letting the 3 yr old screw up our score ... except Sam.

I didn't have as much fun this time as I did last time. It was nice being able to get myself there and home, but I think I would have enjoyed it a little more if I had been riding with someone. Maybe not, though.

The mood was chill, for the most part. No one had anything alcoholic to drink. I didn't even have my usual only-when-I'm-bowling soda. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad I went out and I did have a decent time, but last time was more fun. Maybe because I still liked Sam last time {if you haven't noticed, I don't like him anymore} and there were more guys last time. This time, Sam was the only guy.

Ugh, I've been in a really blah mood. That might have something to do with it. You would think I'd be happy to have the freedom that comes with having a license, but no, not me. I think I'm more relieved than anything.

Anywho, I have more hours this week. Which is definitely good. I need all the money I can get. Especially now that I'm driving; I'll have to put gas into the car. And now that I'm on the car insurance, I have to pay my mom the difference. Which is only about $50 a month, but still.

Uhm, I think that's it for tonight. I have more to write, but it's already not making a whole lot of sense {to me, at least} so I'ma end this here.

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finally
Friday. 2.8.08 4:01 pm
I am now, finally, officially a licensed driver. I'm incredibly lucky that I passed on my first try. I'm pretty sure that if it had been up to the instructor, I would not have passed, but because of the point system, he had no choice. I asked, out of curiosity, how close I was to failing ... 2 points. I was two points away from failing.

After the test, he took me and my mom into this room to explain how my test went. The criticism ensued. It felt like the list kept going and going. Like the fucking Energizer Bunny. I don't think he said one good thing about my driving. As the list kept going, I felt myself getting more and more depressed. I was preparing myself for the hard truth that I had failed. Unfortunately, I had psyched myself up so much for the failure, I didn't really react when I found out I passed. Probably because of how close I came to failing.

I didn't realize I had done so much wrong, but all that matters is that I passed and at least now I don't have to take the test again. Mom and Steve want to take me out to dinner to celebrate, but I really don't feel as if it's worth celebrating. I mean, yeah okay, after 5 years I'm finally a licensed driver, but according to the instructor and the tone in which he was speaking, I shouldn't be allowed on the road. That's certainly not going to stop me from driving. Now I don't have to feel bad about ma getting up at 3am to have me at work at 4am. And I don't have to rely on one of them taking me to the store when I want to go. But I still took in the criticism like a sponge.

Sometimes I wish I was a person who was more easily excited.

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sad panda =[
Thursday. 2.7.08 2:50 pm
Today is my little step-brother's 13th birthday. I really wish I could wish him a happy birthday, but I can't. I haven't talked to him in close to three years because of his annoying, idiotic, doesn't-deserve-to-live mother.

The thing that upsets me most is that I will probably never see him or hear from him again.

I just hope he doesn't forget me. And that he's doing fine ...

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huh
Wednesday. 2.6.08 7:25 pm
I layed down around 3pm-ish and I was out in no time. I had turned on the Discovery Channel so that on the off chance I did fall asleep, I could wake up during It Takes a Thief, which is on from 4-5pm. When I woke up, I heard Cash Cab, which meant it was sometime between 6 & 7pm. I figured it was just past 6pm. Nope. Wrong. I look at my phone to see that it was quarter till 7pm. Apparently I was more tired than I thought.

I'm still stressing over the money situation. Lori needs finances for school, otherwise she won't be able to graduate. We still need to feed the household. Everyday necessities need to be bought {ie: shampoo, conditioner, bodywash, toothpast, etc.} Bills still need to be paid. It hasn't become overwhelming yet, but just the idea isn't helping.

My headache has not subsided any. I try not to focus on my problems while I'm at work, but it only works to a small extent. I've got my own seperate set of issues when it comes to work. I'm still trying to prove myself worthy of being bumped up to full time so that I can get more hours and possibly a {well deserved} raise. Something that would most definitely help the home issue.

I have to make sure I keep my mind focused away from the guy who likes me. I know he likes me and I like him, but I can't let him cheat on his girl. He loves her; she's the mother of his very newborn child. But because it's been so long since I've gotten anything, I'm quite afraid I won't be able to stop him if he were to do anything. But right now, that's the very least of my worries.

Lotus is very slowly starting to get bigger. I've had her for a few months now, but because she's still small, she still only needs to eat once a month. Cil, Anthony's snake, is getting bigger. Mice are no longer enough to keep her fed. She needs to start getting small rats. When those are no longer enough, she'll start eating large rats.

Uhm, I guess that's it for today. I can't think of what else to write.

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stressed
Tuesday. 2.5.08 8:05 pm
I'm stressing over things that I really shouldn't be stressing over, but being the worrisome adult that I am, these things are constantly on my mind.

My mom is no longer employed. She was basically forced to quit due to a traitor in the company, who was supposedly a friend of mom. It's a complicated story and a personal one so I'm not going to go into details. This is one of the things I'm worried about. My pathetic paycheck cannot support the household. And even though mom said she's not expecting me to put anything towards it and not to worry about it, I'm afraid that something will go wrong.

I'm stressing because my road test is on Friday. I haven't driven a whole lot; it's not difficult; something I can pick up without an issue as soon as I get behind the wheel. I've not parallel parked though. And I don't like the idea of people watching me. I feel as though I'm being criticized and judged by complete strangers. I've always had a problem with stage fright. Even when I was in band, had my solos memorized and practiced continuously, when it came time to present them at a concert, everyone's eyes were on me. My heart would race and pound in my chest and it would cause me to shake. Whenever I'm being individually tested, this is the feeling that overcomes me. If a person knows me well enough, they can always tell when I'm nervous because I shake and shiver, as if cold. People who don't know me very well believe me when I just simply tell them I'm cold. They either don't think anything of it or just don't care otherwise.

I'm stressed because my hours at work at much too far and few between. Granted, I do enjoy sleeping in and staying up late, but when I don't have a life outside of my bedroom, the extra time seems pointless and wasted. I would like to say that will change once I'm a licensed driver, but having lived here for 7 months and still without friends and a very low amount of available money, I doubt very much if anything will change.

All of this unnecessary stressing has caused my constant headaches to once again become more prominent. What most people don't understand is that my headaches don't actually go away. I always have a headache, regardless if it's dull or severe. The level of happiness or stress is what determines how prominent and noticable the pain is. 11, 12 years is a long time to have a headache.

I haven't been laid in 7 months. I haven't barely even been touched in that long. I know that this is something that shouldn't bother me too much, but I'm putting a strain on my will power. At the beginning I thought it would be easy to resist. I'm finding that testing my will power, to see if I can beat my record of going 9 months without, is quite a task to achieve. It seems like I'm wasting my energy on this type of thing, but I want to feel wanted. I like feeling as if I'm wanted. Even if it's not in the relationship sense.

Alright, I've gotten a small chunk of things off my mind. Time to go attempt at sorting out the rest. Maybe tonight I'll be able to slow my mind down enough to get more than a few hours of sleep.

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