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Saturday. 2.7.15 7:23 pm
Because I can, goddammit.

I finally was able to fall back to sleep sometime between 4:30 and 5. I slept until 8:30 and gave up trying to fall back to sleep around 9. I threw in my laundry and got set up at the computer, knowing full well it would be my closest friend today. Halfway through my clothes being in the dryer, still angry with myself for how things had transpired in my mind during my awake time in the middle of the night, and being tired from not sleeping well, I decided that a nap was going to be necessary after the clothes had finished drying and been put away.

I completed said task and laid down. After about 10 minutes of still nothing, I felt that a nap was no longer going to suffice and would only make things worse. Instead, I got up, got dressed and headed to work knowing that the fitness center would be empty. It wasn't, but the one person in there wasn't anyone I ever cared to converse with so I shoved the buds in my ears, turned Pandora up as loud as the phone would allow me {it gave me a bullshit warning about turning the volume up too loud} and set the pace on the treadmill. The guy in there, a higher up prick who I've yet to see even crack one smile in the 4 years I've known him, was bouncing along on the elliptical and kept giving me side glances.

I knew he recognized me, but he'd only ever seen me in my security uniform and today was not the day for me to identify myself as the person no longer required to wear such an uncomfortable ensemble and make small talk about "how different you look without it!" or "so you ARE a girl under there!" Fuck off jerks. I know I look different. You could just say something nice and complimentary instead of sarcastic jokes.

Anywho, I digress. So here I am on the treadmill, music blasting in my ears, finally breaking up some of the pent up crap weighing on my mind. After about 20 minutes of chugging away at a 1.5 incline going at a speed higher than I normally go {I think it was 4.3 or 4.5, when I'm normally sitting right around 3.9 - 4.1} I start to get quite sweaty and I can see my tone changing colors in the reflection on the black, blank screen of the TV. It's at this point I would really like to slow down, but that would mean Mr. side-glancing prick would have the opportunity to make some kind of remark, except he hops off the machine and heads out. I wait about 5 seconds before hitting the cool down button on the panel and work on regulating my breathing and heart rate back to normal.

I get back to my car, roll down the windows, take a few big gulps of the water I had, turned up the radio, not giving a fuck who would hear the shitty music that plays on the radio, and headed back home. Halfway through my shower, I finally started to feel a bit more refreshed. A few hours later, all the adrenaline that had built up was wearing down and I decided to nap anyway. Mistake? Yeah. It was no more of a good idea after the jog than it was prior.

I had a fantastically pleasant dream that I would love to have happen to me in real life. Does that ever work with dreams? 99% of the time, definitely not. Whatever.

I'm clearly still agitated, but I'm not sure what else could happen that would ease my mind right now. I suppose, if I'm still awake in the middle of the night, I could just get in the car and drive to Canada. It's not like I have to be at work until Monday morning and I don't have any other plans for tomorrow.

We'll see how I feel. I guess you'll find out in a couple days what happened.

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Technically speaking
Saturday. 2.7.15 3:31 am
In sticking with my odd dates, at this point in time it is technically tomorrow.

I've been awake for two hours with obviously no success in falling back asleep, as I am here at the moment. My brain will not shut off, regardless of how much I try not to think about what's keeping me awake. Sadly, I think the reason I'm having such a hard time is because of the vicious cycle that causes you to continue thinking about the very thing you're trying not to think of. Or something like that. You people know what I mean. The harder you try not to think about something, the more you think about it. . . yeah.

I'm hoping that staring at the bright ass computer screen will make my eyes heavy and will prompt sleep so that when I finish here, I'll be able to lay back down and fall back asleep. I'd like to have a conversation with someone, but no one I know of, that will converse with me, is awake at this hour.

I thought that next weekend would be my weekend without plans, but that's been switched to this weekend. I haven't a single thing going on and I'm okay with that. I've been actively busy for what feels like every weekend over the last month or so, so I'm ready to have a weekend of nothing. I'll stay in pajamas the whole time, perhaps clean a little ... if I can actually motivate myself to do so. I never have company here so it's not like anyone is going to judge my messy place.

Next weekend I have plans Friday night, but then it's a three day weekend, with Monday off, and nothing except laundry planned for that. So maybe I'll have two weekends in a row where I'll have a couple days of nothing.

It's been a while since my insomnia has affected me this strongly. Usually it just makes me wake up several times per night or just makes it harder to fall asleep, but once I'm there I'm fine. I wish I could say I didn't know why, but I do. And it's stupid. Which is another reason why I'm glad to have a weekend of nothing. It means not having to be judged for things that I should have better control over.

Perhaps I'll venture out and buy a puzzle. Something to keep my mind/hands occupied for at least a couple hours of my time.

Weekends is when I usually wear my contacts, but because of the complete lack of sleep I'm currently getting, I know that I'll want to sleep at some point later in the day, which becomes a bad idea to do once I've put the contacts in. I wore them at work {yesterday} and ended up taking them out early so that I could go to bed.

I guess that's enough rambling for now. That's pretty much what this has become: middle of the night rambling. Perhaps I've stared at the screen long enough for me to distract my overactive brain just enough to be able to fall back asleep? I guess we'll find out.

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"In the spirit of full disclosure"
Thursday. 2.5.15 7:43 pm
I've been trying to think of the way that was phrased for quite some time now, and I finally have to look it up. I could remember "in the ___ of full disclosure" but I couldn't, for the life of me, remember what went in the blank. I typed in to the ever knowing Google and came up with what is now my title for today's entry. I'm not sure why it bugged me so much for so long. It's not like I'm going to need to use that phrase any time soon. Either way, I now know what it is... you know, just in case I ever have to voluntarily fully disclose something.

I have to remind myself to breathe and take my time with things more often than I feel I should. Though, I do feel I've gotten a lot better at taking things in stride and not reacting quite so strongly in the moment, but I do still need the reminder every so often. I feel something start to annoy me or upset me, I stop and think about why. Most of the time, it's for a reason that's not necessary for me to get worked up about, so I let it go. At least for the time being. There are going to be things that I can't just let go permanently, but this is a good start for me. For too long I've completely overreacted toward things that didn't need such a serious reaction for. It's a better-late-than-never type of thing. I'm pretty proud of myself for it.

That being said, I'm going to need to find some kind of outlet so that I don't snap at the wrong person/wrong time. This does help a bit, but only for a short period of time. I'm sure something will come up that will help me.

I wonder what it'll be ...

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Late night weeknight
Tuesday. 2.3.15 6:33 pm
I'm not sure what made me think that staying out super late on a work night was a grand idea, but it happened and I'm incredibly tired. I'll definitely be crashing early this evening.

I met up with a friend from work after I got off work and we wandered up a few blocks to this place called the Coastal Kitchen. I'd never been there so that was what kind of made up the decision. It's a place known for its seafood, yet the only seafood we got was calamari. It's fine, though. Perhaps next time I go, I'll get some fish and chips or a crab salad or something. We both had a delicious porter to go with the food and had a good time catching up on work stuff. {He works grave shift on the weekends so I never get to see him anymore.}

After dinner, we decided to wander around Downtown for a bit and made our way to Pike Place Market. He grabbed some coffee and we meandered to the waterfront. In walking past this place called Harbor Steps {a ridiculously priced apartment building on the waterfront} we made the decision to go on the Great Wheel, since he'd never been. The city is beautiful, night or day, but it was a nice ride. It's a little pricey, but it's been about a year since I was last on it and he'd never been so it was worth it.

Afterwards, we made the decision to head back, since it was around 10, except that we walked back up a set of stairs where this place called the Zig Zag Cafe was and since I'd never been there either, we decided to go in for drinks. We each got two and hung out for a bit just chatting before finally paying the bill and making our way back up the hill.

I brought him back home and crashed around 1. I was up again at 3 and didn't fall back asleep until around 5. So the little sleep that I did get was very broken. I spent most of the first half of the shift yawning. I was glad for the break in calls. It was steady enough, but not busy to the point where I couldn't keep up. I treated myself to some decadent chocolaty snacks from the French bakery across the street from work, which didn't help in the yawning department, but I'd been wanting chocolate since yesterday afternoon. It was definitely worth it.

I'm not sure when we'll get the chance to hang out again. It's challenging with him working weekend nights, but I do know that the next time, if it's a work night for me, I'll put my foot down and keep better track of the time. I'll set an alarm if I have to. As long as I'm in bed by midnight, I'll be able to get enough sleep. Anything later than that, I'm dragging the whole day.

My plan for this evening? Crash by 8, 8:30 and hope to sleep straight through until my 6:30 alarm.

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Resistance is key
Sunday. 2.1.15 9:59 am
My body is finding more ways than one to remind me that I'm not in my teens or early 20s anymore. I honestly can't remember the last time I drank two nights back to back and in doing so this weekend, I've discovered that my stomach will put up quite a protest on morning two. Yesterday wasn't too bad. I finished off my left over pizza and drank a bunch of water and I was good. Waking up this morning, my stomach rolled over as I did and it felt like it was jabbing the protest signs directly in to the lining. Since there's no more pizza, I'm glad I thought ahead enough to buy something for me to chow on this morning. So I'm currently working my way through left over fries and mozz sticks from IHOP. It's horrible food, but it's what I need to help calm the raging storm in my stomach. Peanut butter and carrots certainly wouldn't do me any good.

I'm also not sure if I slept wrong or if it was from standing too long in one position or what, but my left side hurts whenever I turn in a certain direction. It's not a stabbing pain, but the lower rib area feels like it was overworked ... something I really wish it had been from, rather than not having a clue. My bones crack and pop on their own now ... another sign of getting older. And I'm not even that old yet!

Random, completely off subject tidbit: in the process of still getting used to having weekends off, I seem to forget every Sunday that the Japanese Congregational Church across the street from me marks the start of their service with a gong. I mean, I'm assuming most churches do something with bells, but it makes sense to me that they would use a gong instead. Along with it being a reminder that it's Sunday, it also indicates that the time is just after 10am.

Anywho, due to the small war waging on my insides, I have decided that consuming alcohol for the third night in a row is probably a really bad idea. Especially since I have to work tomorrow morning, meaning I won't be able to laze about and take my time recovering. And because I like this job, I'm not going to call out because I got too shitfaced at the Super Bowl party I went to and couldn't handle myself afterward. If I hadn't gone out last night, I probably would have had a few drinks later today. Instead, I'll just be enjoying the snacks.

Happy February 1st everyone!

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Saturday. 1.31.15 9:21 am
Today is the last day of the month. I'm not sure exactly how I feel about the fact that the first month of the year is already over. In a way, it doesn't feel like it flew by. A lot has happened in the last month. Then again, due to the fact that a lot has happened, it kind of does feel a little like the month has gone by quickly.

February has a Friday the 13th. March also has a Friday the 13th. And so does November. 2016 doesn't have any. This is making me really want to get more Friday the 13th tattoos just because I know it's going to be a while before the chance happens again. Then again, I haven't a single clue where on my body I'd get them or exactly what kind of small tattoo I'd get. I kind of want something on my ribs; something small that will be just for my knowledge. I probably won't get anything, but the idea is enough to satisfy my mind until April when I'm actually getting one.

I have to go to the bank today, which I forgot I needed to do. I also have to do laundry and put gas in my car. The laundry will be first, since I don't feel like venturing in to the outside world yet. Other than those three tasks, I don't have anything going on today. I'm still excited about tomorrow's party. I need to figure out what I'm going to bring, but I'm sure something will come to mind. Even if all I do is bring more booze.

Yesterday was an interesting day at work. People, coworkers excluded, were exceptionally bitchy. It's something that's expected for a Monday, not a Friday. We all thought that because Sunday is the Super Bowl and the Seahawks are the defending champions, that people would be quite happy. Not the case. It was quite the opposite, in fact. There were a few pleasant people who called in or we had to call, but it was far and few between. By 10am, I needed a drink. By the end of the shift, it was definitely happening.

I drove to 5 different places in order to find one specific type of drink: Angry Orchard Iceman. It was the only one of the three that I had not tried yet and it didn't disappoint. I do think The Muse is my favorite, but the Iceman comes in at a close second. Strawman is more tart than I care for so I'll be perfectly fine not drinking that one again.

Perhaps if I find someone who will come with me to get a Friday the 13th tattoo, I'll be more likely to get one ...

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