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catch up, fall back, repeat
Wednesday. 2.10.10 7:40 pm
Every time I say that I'm going to come back to a steady activeness on NuTang it doesn't seem to be happening. At least not as of recently.

Have you ever had a secret that you couldn't tell anyone? Not even one person? Yeah, I've got one of those. Part of me likes that I have a secret that no one knows, but another part of me wants to say something to someone about it. I know I can't though. The consequences are far worse if someone were to know rather than me just not being able to open my mouth.

Oh well.

I'm not going to say that I'll try to be more active. The last few times I've said that it didn't really happen.

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no bueno
Sunday. 2.7.10 1:08 pm
Today is dragging. I keep looking at the clock, expecting there to be a significant change from the last time I had looked at it ... 5 minutes prior.

I won't be watching the Super Bowl this year. I don't care enough. Last year, I had the house to myself {same situation this year} but I was happy with the situation I was in. I was living with my {now ex} boyfriend and I was looking forward to seeing him when he got home from work. I had the game on in the living room and while the game was playing, I'd go in the kitchen and clean. When I heard the commercials come on, I'd stop, go watch them and then go back to the kitchen when the game came back on.

Towards the end of the game, I brought food up to him and his coworker at his work and watched with him as the Steelers beat the Cardinals. A small part of the reason I watched the game was to see if the Steelers would win or if the Cardinals would pull an upset. I wanted to laugh at my boss if his favorite team {the Steelers} had lost.

Neither team is a big deal this year to anyone that I talk to so I just don't care to watch who beats who. I don't feel like hanging out in my sister's room just to watch the game either {that's where the only TV in the house is right now} so I'll just hang out in my room.

I do not like the current relationship situation that I'm in right now. I don't like being ignored. By anyone, but especially by someone who I care very much about and who I thought cared the same way.

Fuck. I'll be watching the commercials on Hulu as they premier, but otherwise I'll just be doing nothing different than I normally do on Sundays ... which is absolutely nothing.

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12 hour nap
Saturday. 2.6.10 3:48 am
I layed down earlier around 2:30pm for a short nap. I didn't get up until just before 2:30am.

Now, I wasn't asleep the whole 12 hours, but each time I came into consciousness, I wasn't there for very long. Long enough to glance at the time, read any text messages I happened to receive and doze back off. Each time I came to, though, I just didn't feel like getting up. So I didn't.

I kind of feel like I wasted my entire day away. I didn't have plans to do anything anyway {the one plan I did have was canceled on me ...} but I still feel like I missed out on the possibility of a potential event happening. Oh well. Nothing I can do about it now.

I doubt I'll be doing that again any time soon. And what's sad is that I don't feel any more rest than I normally do after sleeping for only 4 or 5 hours. Whatever.

I've been rather inactive recently. Sorry guys. I promise that once this down period passes, I'll be back. But like I said in my last one, I have no idea when it'll pass.

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Sunday. 1.31.10 11:44 am
I was going to complain about how I feel, but I'm lacking so much in motivation that I don't even feel up to doing that.

When will this depression pass?

And don't say "when you let it" because that'll just piss me off.

I need to find a new addiction. Something productive. I need to do a lot of things. I need to actually start working on doing those things that I need to do.

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Tuesday. 1.26.10 2:54 pm
There's no chance of going back. That's becoming made very clear to me.

The question becomes, what now?

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anything is possible; not everything is probable
Sunday. 1.24.10 11:03 am
I find myself asking the question "why" an awful lot. And very rarely do I ever get answers.

Sometimes I'll get answers, but it won't be the one I want to hear. At that point, it is up to me to accept the answer that I've been given and move on. Do I? Not really.

Certain things are predictable. Yet it's still bothersome. I just sit back and wait for the inevitable, yet when it comes, I'm still affected by it.

I try to understand things, but I'm not always successful. When someone tells me to just give up after I've been trying for a while to understand something, it makes me want to understand it that much more. And the fact that people seem to like to show that they have no faith in something I tell them I'm going to do, pushes me to want to do it that much more. Just to spite them.

Ugh. I have a good week and then the weekend comes and things start to go to shit again. I don't look forward to the weekends anymore. I don't look forward to work days either. What is there to look forward to? Leaving this place.

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