I made a mistake. I wasn't even thinking so I kept talking like it was nothing.

I feel really, really, really, really, really bad now.

It's been almost a year since his grandfather died and it's still a very sore wound for him. So what did I do?

I was talking about the ailments that took my grandparents lives and just kept going.

Finally he stopped me and asked if I could just not talk about it anymore. That's when it clicked how close it was to his grandfather's passing.

How am I supposed to make things better? I apologized. I left the room to take a shower. When I came back out he was in bed.

I feel horrible. Hell, I'm the one crying.

He called off from work tomorrow. I want to think it's because he's coming down with a cold and doesn't want to go to work sick, but before my runaway mouth upset him, he was still fine going in to work tomorrow. He even said no when I suggested he call off. So I know it's because I've ripped open the wound and he doesn't want to go in feeling the way he is. Regardless if he were sick or not.

I don't know what to do to make things not so awkward. I really do feel horrible.

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The time change is supposed to be so that there is more sunlight during the day. In the later summer months, yes, I suppose this becomes true. And just a side note ... even in the states and cities that don't change the clocks, the sun still rises earlier and sets later. Go figure. However, it's null and void to the people who work swing shift and are unable to take advantage of the evening sunshine. Sure, the sun is rising a lot earlier in the day, but that would only mean waking up that much earlier before the start of the shift in order to take advantage.

I don't know about the rest of the working world, but I find it rather hard to go to sleep right after I get home from work. I have to stay up at least a few hours before I'm tired enough to sleep for more than an hour or so.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining. I would much prefer it to be dark, but everyone likes to make a big deal about how they can stay out later during the day because of the extended sunlight hours. I want to have the option. I suppose I could always ask to change shifts. The odds of that actually happening would be unlikely.

Anywho, I don't really have anything else to write about. No more progress on my diet. I've mostly given up staying on the strictness, but I am still staying under 2000 calories a day. I really do need to see a doctor about my thyroid. If that's not what's making it so hard for me to lose weight {and for me to gain weight so easily} then I have no idea what is causing it. If I completely avoid food altogether, I will lose the pounds. Even just skipping a day's worth of food has proven to cause me to lose about a pound.

I need to stop procrastinating ... perhaps I'll call the doc's on Monday and schedule an appointment.

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I want to lose all 25+ pounds now dammit! I don't want to only lose 2 pounds/week. It's ridiculous that I can't lose more than that without relying on drastic measures. Like completely dropping the consumption of food altogether. Something I told myself I'd never do again.

I've been using the Ab Wheel that Jacob got me. I can tell it's working because my abs are slightly sore the next morning. I do about 15 reps one day, then about 10 the next and back to 15 the day after. So on and so forth. Hopefully it'll help in the sculpting. Least that's what it's supposed to do.

Anywho, I was driving to work this morning watching the car in front of me kind of sway back and forth from one side of the lane to the other. A few times they almost went into the adjoining lane, but never quite crossed over the line. I eventually moved around this person, but it got me thinking ... a person who drives like that probably never learned how to color in between the lines. It was an amusing thought.

I'm sick of work already. I've only been there for a little over 3 months. It's not a bad job, nor is it even as close as annoying as the last one, but I'm still sick of it. The monotony. Even when there's a code or I'm busy taking calls left and right, it's still all the same. Patrol here, walk there, unlock this, lock that. Monotony. Unfortunately I have a feeling I'd feel the same way about any job I have. Eventually it all becomes a routine. Too bad I can't just make a million or so on a stupid invention.

Or win the lotto. That'd be cool too.

Alright, I wanted to update on my dieting. And rant about a couple things.

Until next time NuTang . . .

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I was told by someone who is dieting, has been dieting, that a cheat day once a week is necessary in order to keep yourself sane while eating the same foods every single day.

Today was my cheat day.

I don't think I went too far over 2000 calories. I feel like lowering my calorie count isn't enough, though. I walk a lot at work. I even try to take the stairs most of the time too. I still feel like that's not enough.

I want to stop eating. It's worked in the past. Why would now be any different?

I need my insurance to come in so that I can see a doctor. When I was 13, which is the last time I saw a doc besides a gyno, I was told that I might have an enlarged thyroid. Which is what's probably affecting my lack of ability to lose weight. I'm not blaming it solely on that, but it's definitely a cause. I want to see a doctor now so that they can tell me if that is actually what's going on and to see if there's anything can be done.

I'll be going back on the lower calorie count diet tomorrow. One 200 calorie shake, one 200 calorie meal bar, 3 100 calorie snack bars and a 500 calorie dinner. Yesterday was the 3rd day in the diet and it was actually easier than the first two days. Hopefully tomorrow will be easier as well.

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I'll get into my diet in a minute. First, I have something to add in relevance to my last post. Jacob ended up going bowling tonight instead of last night. The fact that I had 24 hour notice made me feel a little better. And also finding out that the bowling alley they chose to meet at is only maybe 20 minutes from here {rather than an hour, where Jacob's friend/my coworker lives} also made me feel better. However, it's a bunch of guys that I don't know and I have no idea how many of them there will be, nor how many of them will be bringing women. The idea that this whole, Jacob-goes-bowling-but-won't-ever-invite-me thing might happen all over again is making me paranoid.

Anywho, I started my diet today. It's going to be tougher than I thought. Not because it's not filling. I was feeling full each time I ate something. But over the last however long, I've gotten it in my head that I want food. Even when I'm not hungry. So the psychological part of this dieting thing is what's making it hard. I know I'll be able to get through it, but I've just got to get through the first week and I should be good.

I FINALLY got my AlliedBarton W2. So I was finally able to file my taxes. When I had entered just my Allied info ... I was going to be getting back close to $800. When I entered the other two jobs {Target and NW Protective} it knocked it down $200. I'm now only getting just under $600. Oh well. $578 is better than nothing. It's also better than the $471 I got back last year. Not exactly sure, though, how I made less money in 2010 overall than in 2009, yet somehow managed to be getting more money back ... but I'm not complaining.

Uhm, so yeah. I'm afraid Jacob is going to be going bowling without me more often than not, I've started my diet with hopes of seeing at least a little result by this time next week {and by little I mean, hopefully losing at least 5 pounds} and I was able to get my taxes done.

Until next time NuTang ...

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First off ... this is my first post from work. So I'll probably keep it short.

Jacob has found a friend and trust me, I'm more than happy about it. But I got a text from him saying he was going bowling after work with this guy. I know the guy; I work with him. But I never liked it when I got those texts because I knew that Jacob would be out all night.

I might have a little more to hope for with this, as opposed to the incidents in Vegas, because there is no 24 hour bowling alley here. If memory serves, it closes at 2am. But they'll probably be too drunk to drive home right away and will find something else to do until sober enough to drive.

My heart always skips a beat when I get the "I'm going out after work" text from him. I just can't help but think about all the times in the past that something has happened. 99% of the time it would be something that pisses me off.

I'm going to try my best tonight to remain a calm composure and remain open-minded about this, but it's not going to be easy. I wish that he would invite me, but I know this is something he needs: the guy time.

Ugh. I hate feeling this way. It's hard to let go of the things that have happened. If it had been an isolated incident or had only happened two or three times, then it would have been easier to forgive and forget. But it was starting to be an all the time thing.

So ... I just cross my fingers and hope nothing happens that mimics what's happened in the past.

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