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Hello nerves
Wednesday. 5.21.14 11:04 pm
I leave for San Antonio tomorrow and I'm actually getting pretty nervous. There are a lot of factors that contribute to the nerves, some of it being the fact that I was 9 years old the last time I took a vacation to a city I'd never been to. This will be the first time Vance and I will be getting together since the connection flourished. It's a different experience falling in love with someone via computer screen, but knowing who this person is at the same time. I'm also meeting his dad for the first time ever and it has me a little nervous. I'm not nearly as concerned with meeting his dad as I am his mom this coming September. I have a poor history with moms so that one has me nervous already.

It's only been 5 months since I took my last vacation and I'm kind of having trouble grasping the fact that I'm already taking another week off from work to travel somewhere. Having this second job really has been a nice pay off. The flight will be significantly longer than what I'm used to and I'm going to a place that will be all new to me.

Despite the fact that I've been counting down to this and planning this out for the past couple months, it feels incredibly spontaneous. This isn't something that I normally would even consider doing. All of this is new to me. And that scares the hell out of me.

Other than all of that, I'm really excited that this trip is finally here. I'm mostly packed. I have to get up in the morning to do a final, last minute load of wash before I head out. I really hope I remember to bring everything. My ear buds will be one of the first things I pack up in the morning. With this being a 4 hour flight, I will definitely need some music to tune out the people around me. I'll have a book with me as well. Hopefully that'll be enough of a sign for others to leave me the fuck alone.

My next entry may or may not be from the Central Time Zone, but there will definitely be one once I return. If you're friends with me on Facebook, keep up. There will be lots of check ins via Foursquare and a good chunk of pictures. So kind of like Vegas, but with a touristy vibe.

Until then. . .

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A few hours here, a few more there
Thursday. 5.15.14 7:37 pm
This past week, Saturday through today, I've worked a total of 65 hours. This coming week, Saturday through Wednesday, I'll be working a total of 62 hours. This is between both jobs and working overtime at the one. It's all because I need the money for when I get back from my trip. With having a full week missing from my first paycheck back, the extra money a little ahead of time will be helpful.

I also kind of started going to the gym, but only just a little bit. I've done weights once, but the treadmill 4 times. I'd do weights more, but I'm working overtime and my coworker does the weights at the end of our regular shift. So at the end of my 12 hour shifts, I've been going down to the fitness center and utilizing the treadmill. I'm slowly working on increasing my time and speed. I think next time I'll do the same speed I was at today, but with less time. The only downfall I've noticed is that my left hip is really bothering me afterwards.

Exactly one week from right now, I'll have been in San Antonio for about 3 hours. It's amazing how close we are now. Both of us are getting really excited, as if it was even possible. Apparently it is. I can't wait for my temporary escape from reality and dive in to my 10 days of intense bliss.

Other than working a fuckton of hours, nothing else has really been going on. I have a girl's night out thing tomorrow evening, which should be a lot of fun. We'll be going to the mall to get some shopping done, then going to Red Robin for fries and seeing Neighbors afterward. Two words: Zac Efron. Aside from that, I'll be sleeping in, going to the bank, stopping at the cafe for lunch and going to Trader Joe's to grocery shop for the next 5 work days. Needless to say it'll be a rather busy and productive, yet fun, day.

I'm hoping to write at least one more time before I go to Texas, so this will be until then. . .

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Counting down, flattery and the doc
Thursday. 5.1.14 7:26 pm
It's May 1st, which means that I am a mere 3 weeks away from being in Texas. The final countdown is in progress. However, since I've been counting down for so long now and having actually kind of stopped counting down over the last couple weeks, it's not nearly as exciting as I originally thought it would be. Oh well. I'm still pretty stoked that it's getting closer.

It's been stupid hot these last couple days. Hell, today broke the record for hottest May 1st ever in Seattle. It peaked at 85 here in the city. It's currently 81 outside and inside. I have my tiny fan on the second setting and it's still not enough. The sun will be setting in the next hour, though, so hopefully then it'll cool down a bit. Then over the next few days it'll go back down to the 60s where it belongs this time of year. I understand that I need to prepare for this kind of weather since it'll be hot in Texas, but that is still 3 weeks away. And it's Seattle, for Pete's sake. It's not supposed to get this hot until July. Our summer officially starts on July 5th. Not May 1st. It's not even actual summer yet. I'm so ready for the rain and cooler temps.

In having a discussion with one of my supervisors last night, it was brought to my attention that the manager I had previously tried to date was, in fact, interested in me and had even asked about dating me, but was told it wouldn't be a good idea because he is a manager. Even if he's not my direct manager, he's still management and can have influence over other manager's decisions. So the only reason he turned me down was for that fact. That would also make sense why things didn't get awkward between us after I had asked him out. Normally when you ask someone out and they turn you down, it becomes awkward because suddenly they're aware of the fact that you're interested, but since the feeling isn't mutual, they try to keep from being weird which, in turn, makes things weirder. Finding out that a guy I was crushing pretty hard on had mutual feelings pretty much made my night.

Tomorrow is payday, but it's the rent payday so it's not really that special. I will be spending most of my check on rent and both storage units, along with a couple smaller bills, but that won't leave me with much. Which means that I will be grocery shopping for cheap items and pretending my debit card doesn't exist. It'll be a challenge, but if I have to avoid going to the cafe, even just to say hi, then so be it. The next paycheck I get will be the final one before I leave for Texas. It will also be the one that I make my final car payment on. It's almost surreal knowing that I only have just the one payment left. 6 years of my life I've been paying on this thing and it's finally coming to an end. Kinda crazy.

I went to the doc today to get my annual check up. She decided that a pap wasn't necessary because everything was normal last time, but still conducted a pelvic exam. She checked to make sure the IUD was still in place and swabbed for an STI test to be done. The test results will probably be available next week. I really think I'm okay, but it's better to be safe than sorry. She told me that she wants me to go to the dentist ... ugh. I really, really, really hate dentists. It's a stigma from when I was a child, but I guess with my car being paid off this year, I might as well get all that I need to taken care of. I'll go in for a consult and get a referral to a orthodontic surgeon to get my jaw fixed. Then, once that's finished and healed up, I can finally get a complete cleaning. I think having to get that fixed is a huge part of why I've avoided the dentist for so long. Especially after getting it confirmed a couple years ago that I'd need to get it done before having my entire mouth deep cleaned.

She also wants me to start exercising again, which I really need to do. It made sense to stop when I was working an extra 25+ hours per week, but with the max number of extra hours only being 18, I have plenty of extra time to go work out. Also, my coworkers have been trying to get me to join them in the gym for weeks now so I guess this was the final push to get me to finally accept their challenge/invitation. I do still need to buy a sports bra, but Victoria's Secret is always having sales so perhaps there will be one soon that I can take advantage of. It'll be fun working out with them, though. I just need to get off my lazy ass and finally do it.

Alright, I think this is long enough. 25 minutes of typing usually gets me to this point, though. It's also been a little bit since the last one so there was some stuff to update. Not sure if it'll be this long again between this and the next one; guess we'll find out.

Until then. . .

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Stubborn sleepy stupor
Friday. 4.25.14 12:05 am
I'm pretty damn tired, but for some odd reason I really don't feel like going to bed yet. I'm being unusually stubborn about staying awake, especially since I'm known for wanting to take naps all the time. However, due to the fact that I'm pretty damn tired, I'm also getting rather giddy so this blog entry may or may not end up as a fairly entertaining one.

This will be one of those rare days off where I have absolutely nothing going on. I will most likely hermit myself up. It will also probably be gorgeous outside, since that seems to be the pattern for the days that I would rather hermit it up. Which is fine with me. I'd prefer to enjoy the sun from the comfort of my bed, safely hidden behind the blinds.

I technically get paid every week, with the Sam's job paying in between the regular job, but I don't count these checks toward when I make references to payday. I only count the main job. So this is in between paychecks and it feels kind nice to know that I have nothing going on; not one single obligation. I'll definitely be sleeping in, once I finally go to sleep, and catching up on all my Hulu shows. There could be a nap at some point, but it kind of depends on how late I sleep in.

I'll be sacrificing my sleeping in capabilities on Saturday, but I so prefer the opening shift at Sam's on Saturdays because then it allows me to have the afternoon free. I mean, sure, even though I'm not getting off until after 3 and not home until closer to 4 because traffic is usually shit regardless of the day of the week when heading southbound, I still have plenty of time once I'm home to get my laundry done and shower and relax before I have to be in bed to wake up at the god awful hour of 4:30 Sunday morning.

... that was kind of a long sentence.

Anywho, I'm 4 weeks away from my San Antonio trip. I've kind of stopped counting down to people at work because it's still a ways out and people are beginning to get annoyed. I don't blame them. I've been counting down for a full month now and people are starting to get confused as to when my vacation actually is. Despite how incredibly impatient and excited I am for this trip, it's not nearly as big a deal as the Vegas trip. I mean, this trip is a pretty big deal, but my Vegas trip last year was an even bigger deal. I hadn't seen them in 3 years and I was far overdue to see my family. I'll be seeing them again next May and I am already kind of counting down. Heh, if I could get a ridiculously cheap deal on vacation packages for that far ahead, I'd probably spend the money to secure the trip now. That would bug the fuck out of my friends, but I wouldn't really care. It's my family and I miss them.

Work has been kind of all over the place this week. Tuesday is almost always the only day that sucks ass. I was ready to quit my Sam's job Tuesday night. There's only one supervisor, who really shouldn't be a supervisor. I like him as a worker, but he sure as fuck doesn't have my respect for him as an authoritative figure. Hell, the new person has more respect coming from me than I give to him and she's just plain weird. I dunno. I have always seemed to have issues with authoritative figures when they're introduced after I've been working somewhere. Either way, I went home, ranted to a couple different people and finally exhausted myself enough to sleep. I was so drained the next day. Luckily I only have to deal with it a couple times a week. I couldn't do that shit every day.

I'm still trying to avoid sleeping, but I'm running out of random shit to type. It's like that random self destructive rebel in me trying to break through. I'm not allowed to starve myself. I'm not allowed to perform any kind of self harm. I'm not allowed to do a lot of the stuff that I used to use as an outlet so this is one of those things that I can actually get away with without much scolding. Now, the only reason I can easily get away with it tonight is because I'm off tomorrow. If I did this on a work night, not only would I suffer on the job the next day, but I can name a few people who I'd have to answer to.

Yeah, I think that's all I have for tonight. I'll probably be asleep before 1. I've only been typing for 30 minutes and I'm already more tired than I was when I began typing. I should lay down before I fall face first on my keyboard.

Until next time. . .

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12 hour shifts UFN
Sunday. 4.20.14 6:21 pm
Until further notice {UFN} I will most likely be working 12 hour shifts on Sundays. Which, money-wise is cool, but working that many hours in a row is a kind of shit. Thanks to the stupid high turnover rate of contract security, we're about to go through another wave so there will be quite a bit of overtime available. I may pick up another 4 hours here or there, depending on the specifics of each shift. Obviously, if it falls on a day when I work the other job, despite the fact that getting twice as much money an hour for far less taxing work is fantastic, I can't call off my Sam's job too often or I'll end up completely losing that one.

The shift today wasn't horrible. It was just ridiculous about how things happened. I called on Thursday to see if the shift was open and I was told it had already been filled. So I made plans for today. When we called earlier this morning to find out who was going to cover the shift, we were told one of the managers, which was odd, and I was completely correct in being skeptical. So later in the shift, we called, again, to find out who was covering what and I was informed that I was covering part of the shift. I kind of freaked out a little and asked when this was determined. Apparently me checking to see if the shift was covered was indication that I wanted part of it so, on my day off and without notice, my name was placed to cover the first 4 hours. Complete bullshit!

Needless to say, I was pretty pissed about it. I mean, yeah, the money is cool, but this is the 4th time I've had to bail on Jacob. Only once was my own doing. I felt really bad about having to cancel our plans, again, but luckily he understands how this shit works out. If I didn't need this job, I would have walked off the site. Once I get back from Texas, I'll be actively looking for another job. I'd look now, but getting hired somewhere just to tell them that I'll be needing 10 days off at the end of May tends to look bad.

Anywho, nothing new has come up since the last entry. I hung out with a friend on Friday evening. We ate at Red Robin and wandered around Pacific Place. I bought my first strapless bra, which is not exactly the most comfortable thing in the world, but it'll suffice for all future strapless outfits that I may/may not end up wearing. It's always good to have at least one for your outfits. The catch is that I will not be able to wear anything light-colored, since it's a black bra. Oh well. I'm not very good with lighter colors anyway.

There's some things I need to buy before I go to Texas ... such as pretty much an entire summer wardrobe: shorts, tank tops, camis, shorts/capris. Perhaps a new pair of flip flops, since the ones I have are a few years old. They're still in pretty good condition, but that's mostly because I got them just before I moved to Seattle and have yet to wear them much since moving here. In Vegas, they were utilized quite a bit more. This shopping endeavor will have to occur sometime next month, however, as the next paycheck will have to go toward rent.

Anywho, I think that's it for now. I'm gonna chill out a little bit before I get on Skype for a couple hours.

Until next time. . .

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That was unexpected
Monday. 4.14.14 2:48 pm
I had a panic attack last night. It's the first one I've had in a long while. Probably a good year and a half since the last one, when I found out my insurance was changing and I was going to have to stop seeing my therapist. Except ... that was an obvious reason for the panic attack. The one last night, I believe, was triggered by something completely different.

For the first time in my life, that I can remember, I'm happy. Like, actually content with how things are in my life. Obviously my life is nowhere near perfect; hell, does anyone truly have the 'perfect' life? What exactly is 'perfect?' It's different for everyone so that becomes a null and void argument. . . I digress.

Anywho, I think because I've never felt this way before, it actually scared me to the point where I freaked out. My coworker said that it's a legitimate fear, to be afraid of losing something this good and having to go back to where I was before. I'm finally caught up on all my finances and am catching up on paying off my debt. I'm in a place that finally feels like home; even if it's not the abode I want to stay in forever, the city in which I reside is a great place. I have a wonderful man in my life and, despite the distance between us, what we have is more than what some couples have even when they live together.

After 20 minutes of talking with my sister and trying to calm down, I gave in and called Vance. I didn't want to because I knew it was late and he had to be up early for work, but he was exactly what I needed. It still took me a bit to calm down. If you've never experienced a panic attack, they're not easily deterred. But the fact that he remained calm throughout and was there for me at one of my weakest moments solidifies my security in our relationship just that much more. It proves to me that we're a damn good couple and we're really in this for the long run.

I'm really hoping that since I got that out of my system, it's a good year or more before I have another panic attack, but you never know what can trigger them. As I found out last night, it could literally be anything, good or bad.

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