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The weather
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finished
Thursday. 5.22.08 3:49 pm
I finished The Host yesterday. I still don't know whether I like Ian or Jared more. I guess it's kind of even.

I have nothing to say about work. It was neither good nor bad. I just don't feel like talking about it.

According to the questions I received today, the look on my face seemed to indicate that I was either pissed off or upset. I know I've got sort of an apathetic mood, but I thought I was trying to keep my face neutral. I guess it didn't work out too well. I just blamed it on not feeling well and being tired; the usual. It's easy enough to pass off as an acceptable reason and people will usually leave me alone after that.

There are exceptions, like today. Cindy could tell I wasn't telling her everything so she pushed a little bit. She worries about me. I think it's part of her motherly instinct.

My problem right now is that I don't know what's wrong with me. I know something doesn't feel right, but I can't pinpoint it. I try and blame it on this or that, but nothing fits. Even my usual stress-causing worries don't fit this issue. I hate feeling this way and it bugs me even more not being able to figure out what it is that's bothering me. My mind starts to wander off into places it shouldn't go. I start thinking and worrying about scenarios that wouldn't normally cross my mind.

This certainly isn't the first time I've had this feeling and I'm sure it won't be the last. Though, I really wish it were. Each time it happens it becomes a little harder to deal with. You'd think, with it happening not quite frequently, but more often than it should, that I'd be able to better prepare to deal with it. But no. I guess the improvement would be that I don't break down into tears every time it happens. I kinda feel like I want to right now though.

Apathy is, in my opinion, more of a hassle than anger or sadness or depression. At least with those things, you know what the feeling is you have and usually why you feel that way. Apathy is neither those and you don't always have a reason for being apathetic.

Ugh.

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I've come to the realization ...
Wednesday. 5.21.08 6:10 pm
... that I have horrible organization skills. When it comes to thinking, at least. Otherwise, {not to brag, but} I think I'm quite good at keeping things organized.

I've found that writing down the thoughts and crap that cross my mind help a little, but they make me realize that much more, as I read and reread over them, that I can't seem to organize my thoughts enough to make much sense of them. In a lot of cases I find myself more confused than I was to begin with. Because now, not only do I have the original unnumbered amount of thoughts, but the annoyance that I can't make sense of the original thoughts.

Thinking is annoying. I wish there was a way to just shut it off sometimes. I can't even sleep it off because then the randomized images and crap in my head that take dream form bug me when I wake up. I'm one of those people who wants to beleive and tries very hard to convice myself dreams mean absolutely nothing, but I have trouble not questioning the reasoning behind one when it has a somewhat significant relativity to some issue going on in my life.

Thoughts and dreams. Something that would be great if I could just shut them off sometimes. It would relieve the headaches and certainly lower the stress factor. Hell, I might even be able to get a relaxing night of sleep that leaves me well rested and fully refreshed in the morning. But unfortunately, I have no way of shutting off my brain. At least not the part I want to shut off: the thought processing center.

Maybe I should take up yoga. Or some other form of deep medetation.

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meh
Tuesday. 5.20.08 9:47 pm
I really have nothing to write, but I feel the urge to do so.

Truck sucked. As always. It's what usually drains me on Tuesdays. Other than the fact that I usually only get about 4 hours of sleep prior and I'm up at 3 in the AM.

Jake and I have been together for two months today. It's a little crazy because it feels like so much longer, yet it hasn't hardly been that long at all.

I'm not sure who I like more in The Host. I'm almost finished. Maybe I'll have my decision made by tomorrow.

I'm tired. Maybe I'll go to bed early. Even though I don't have to work tomorrow. But with being able to sleep in, I might be able to catch up on my sleep by going to bed early-ish.

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a possible hiatus coming up
Monday. 5.19.08 1:17 pm
The cable was shut off ... again. For the third time in 5 months. This is getting lame. And it's pissing me off.

I could really give a shit less about the TV. Although there are a few shows that are about to start up new seasons, I can always just watch them online. But it doesn't help me any that the internet was shut off too.

You may be asking yourselves how I'm writing this without the net in my house so I'll tell you. I'm using someone's unsecure network from in my area. I don't know who's it is, but it's fairly close since the signal is pretty strong. It's obviously not going to be as high as when I use my own router, but it's still better than nothing. It's also better than using the gas to drive up to the local Starbucks or McDonald's to use their free Wi-Fi.

I don't know how long I'll be able to use the unsecure network though. Nor do I know when our cable/internet will be turned back on. Which is why I might be taking a hiatus.

So if I suddenly stop blogging, you'll know what happened.

Quick update on the rest of the week's plans at hand.

The rest of today: driving ma to work; picking up Steve.
Tomorrow: truck day; Jake is staying the night
Wednesday: off from work; Jake will be staying the night again
Thursday: work.
Friday: off from work; nice paycheck; possible movie & dinner with Jake
Saturday: off from work; no plans yet

I'm more than halfway done with The Host. I'll give it the rest of the day and part of tomorrow until I'm done. I would have already finished, but with work and Jake and everything else going on, I haven't had the time to just sit and focus entirely on reading.

I'll try and write again tomorrow. No guarentees though.

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hell hath arrive-eth
Sunday. 5.18.08 3:22 pm
We have officially hit our first triple digits of the year. It's 3:23pm and it's 101 outside right now. The high is supposed to be 104. Tomorrow the high is supposed to be 107 and then Tuesday the high is supposed to be 105. We then get a 'cold' front coming through causing temps to drop back down to 80 by Thursday.

Fuck. It's hot.

Yesterday was ... decent. Jake came over shortly after 11am and we left the house around quarter after 12. Went up to his place and chilled out for a bit. I met his little brother. In a way he reminds me of my little brother. . .

Around 3:30ish, we were getting hungry and since there was a party going on up at Jake's work, we headed up there to get some free food. He asked that we stay at least a half hour so he could make a good impression on his boss and I had no problem with it. He was kind of pushed into smoking a cigar though. Afterwards he said it would have been fine if I had told them "no, I really don't like it so I don't want him to smoke." Now I know for next time.

When we left and looked at the clock, we realized we had been there for an hour. Oh well. With the exception of the fact that everyone was smoking, it was alright. The food was good, at least.

On the way home we stopped at Blockbuster to rent a couple movies and went back to his place to chill out some more.

When he brought me home, he would have stayed longer, but from not getting much sleep the last few nights he was pretty tired. So he stayed for a little bit and headed back home.

Tomorrow is going to feel weird. I don't normally work Mondays, but we have the CEO & president of Big Lots visiting our store so I need to be there to help get it in decent looking condition. Then I work Tuesday and Thursday. I'm looking forward to my next paycheck. It'll be the one with close to 40 hours on it. Jake and I will have to go out and do something.

I'm losing my appetite for chocolate again. However my craving for chips has increased. Not just any chips either. Pringles and flaming hot crunchy Cheetos to be exact.

I don't know what's wrong with me. Oh well. Till tomorrow. . .

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dreams remembered, but not revisited
Saturday. 5.17.08 10:09 am
This is normally something I'd post on one of my other names, but I've got nothing to write about on this name today, so I'm posting it here.

I was thinking about some of the dreams I've had in the past; the ones that I've, oddly, been able to remember.

One of the main ones occured sometime during sophomore year. I was 15. I dreamt that I was driving with friends and I got into a horrific car accident. I was watching from above, {or the side, I can't remember exactly; either way, I was watching the scene from a third person's angle} the scene playing out before my eyes, yet it seemed to skip over the actual impact. All I remember was watching myself driving when next thing I know I'm watching myself die. Along with my friends who were dying or already dead, the paramedics running around franticly, yet calmly doing their jobs and the curious bystanders who wanted to, but couldn't seem to look away.

It was night out. The lights from the paramedics' vehicles brightened the whole area. They were ignoring me though. I had been thrown from the car and was now lying on the pavement, bleeding to death in the middle of the street. It was almost as if they either didn't realize I was there or thought I was already dead. I don't know, but no one came near me.

Next thing I know, my final breath escapes me and I'm dead. I'm no longer watching in the third person. I'm myself again. This time as a ghostly/apparition-type thing. I could walk through stuff and when I looked at myself in a mirror, I could see myself, but I could see right through me.

I decided, being that I was only 15, I'd go back to the high school and see what kind of trouble I could come up with. I was allowed to chose 3 people who could see me. I chose my best friend at the time, my boyfriend at the time and my mom. Knowing that my best friend and boyfriend could see me, I decided to have fun while at the high school.

I was enjoying the dream. Even watching my death seemed to hold a weird facsination.

I've never had another dream like it. I've always woken up before I was killed/died. Such as the reoccurring dream that we got stuck on train tracks in the middle of a forrest and just before the bright light hit us, I'd wake up. The thing that freaked me out about that dream the most was the fact that when I woke, I'd still be listening to the whistle. There were train tracks running behind the houses across the street.

The only other one I remember, without having written it down, was a reoccurring dream that I had when I was young. It's strange that I remember this dream because I was only about 6 or 7 when I had it.

I dreamt that a small plane, like a private jet, would crash in the empty lot next to our house. The flames would crawl over into the yard and set the house on fire. My room was first because it was closest to the lot. But my parents' room would be hit just afterwards because it was on the same side of the house. Before I could get up to leave my room, the flames would already be licking in through the cracks in the walls and under the door. I was trapped in my room; left to burn to death.

It was slightly ironic about that particular dream, because my dad was a firefighter so he'd be able to get everyone out of the house in that kind of emergency.

Anywho, those are the dreams I will every so often just lay and think about. It makes me wonder what kind of significance those hold for me to remember them when I can never remember the others I have.

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