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3 more days
Saturday. 5.7.11 1:13 am
I have to get through 3 more days before seeing the therapist.

I know that Jacob supports my decision to go, but you'd think he'd be more so during these last few days before I have to go, considering how much I was against it before. But instead, we've barely spoken to each other during the last few days.

Maybe I'm just being paranoid again and that everything between us is fine; he's just having another one of his mood swings. But I'm still uncomfortable with all the silence that's been between us lately.

I just have to get through 3 more days and maybe the doc will be able to help me understand what the hell is going on. Or help me not be so crazy.

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Friday. 5.6.11 1:45 am
I haven't written an entry with that kind of title in a while. It was long overdue.

I've started over on my Japanese. And yes, it's because Jacob is working on his Japanese again. This time he didn't ask me to work on it. He's already got someone who he can speak Japanese with. She's actually from Japan. I'm probably learning this language for all the wrong reasons, but whatever. As long as I don't lie to myself ...

My employer kind of fucked up with some of my benefits. I made a dentist's appointment Wednesday and I found out yesterday that there was no record of me ever getting dental benefits. Which sent up a red flag because I remember signing up before the deadline. So I contact my employer and we eventually get it worked out. I'm not sure what happened on their end, but they were required to give me the benefits, even though it's not open enrollment, simply because they messed up on their end. I did my part. So now my appointment will be covered and I won't have to worry about canceling it. Although I am not looking forward to this appointment at all, it's a necessary evil. Especially since I haven't been in like, 16 years.

I have my therapist appointment on Tuesday. Jacob said it's best to go alone {as opposed to him coming along and then just meeting up with me afterwards} because your emotions might be running high once you're done. I don't like the idea of going downtown alone again, but I suppose if he thinks it's best...

I'm going to bring up the possibility of a couple's counselor while I'm there.

I don't feel like doing math work tonight. I want to study more Japanese, but I'm yawning so much my eyes are watering. So I should probably just shut the computer off and sleep.

Until next time NuTang ...

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Wednesday. 5.4.11 9:08 pm
The background color is only temporary until I get around to finding a background that I want.

For whatever reason my stars background suddenly decided to stop working. And I was really sick of the white background.

I'll probably just keep the solid black for a while. My laziness overpowers the urge to look for something different.

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frying the brain: part 3
Saturday. 4.30.11 1:52 am
Jacob is finished with his Introductory Algebra for College Students and is on to his Pre-Calculus book. Which means that I'm using the Algebra book for practice now.

I'm doing really, really simple stuff right now, but my brain hurts since I haven't done anything like it in years and years. At least not this much of it all at the same time.

The laptop is a helper and a distraction. Helping because I can play music on it {when I did homework in school, I would turn the TV on, but I'd have a music channel playing} but at the same time distracting because it's really easy to open another tab and play around on the net. Right now I'm simply taking a break. I might or might not go back to it tonight. It all depends on how tired I am. Which as of right now, bed is winning the competition for when I'm done typing.

Perhaps I could just turn Jacob's computer on and listen to the music he has on there. I'm rarely tempted to play around on the net on his computer. I am tired, though.

Decisions, decisions.

Anywho, I watched the first 3 and half hours of the Royal Wedding last night. I watched people arrive, the ceremony itself {exchanging of the vows and such} and then all of them going back to Buckingham Palace. After that I turned it off and went to bed. By then, though, it was already past 4:30am so I was struggling to stay awake anyway.

I watched the kiss{es} this morning on a video clip taken from the live stream last night. It was sweet. The frowning girl was funny and the planes flying over reminded me of all the planes flying over Vegas from Nellis AFB. As annoying as they were, it was still cool to watch sometimes. Especially air shows.

Back to schoolwork. I'm trying to get myself used to the work load that I'll be receiving once I start going back to school. If I even take just two classes, I'll have a ton of extra work to do. So as of right now, I've got the note-taking and coloring of the Marine Biology book and have just added on the Algebra work. I need to work out a good pattern so that I don't give myself overkill, nor give myself too little at a time.

Jacob has it a little easier than I do when it comes to time. My swing shifts tend to be slightly busier than his grave shifts, although sometimes they can be just as dull and uneventful. Which means once I start going to school, I'll probably take advantage of the weekends when the hospital is closed and I won't need to patrol around as much, nor respond to calls since no one will be there to require our assistance.

Alrighty, I needed the break from killing my brain. Time to get back to it.

Until next time NuTang ...

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it's been decided, I suck at math
Tuesday. 4.26.11 10:26 pm
I took the test today and I just did horribly on the math section. Out of a possible 99, I scored a 26 on the algebra part and only a 73 on the pre-algebra. I didn't even get the choice to go in to college algebra; which is where I left off when I graduated in '04.

I'm a bit bummed, but I suppose after the way I acted last night and not having studied more than just last night, I wasn't expecting much better. I got placed in to Math 84. Which is better than Math 81, but only by a smidge.

The reading and writing part I nearly aced. Out of a possible 99, I got a 93 in writing and a 92 in reading. I was placed in English 101 without having to take a separate reading class.

I knew I would do well on that section. Too bad I absolutely suck in math.

Today was not the best of days. I don't feel like getting in to it right now. I need to go to bed anyway. I have work in the morning. Perhaps tomorrow I'll write more about how my day went today.

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frying my brain: part 2
Tuesday. 4.26.11 3:42 am
So I'm working on the practice questions for the placement test that I will be taking much later on today {the office closed earlier than anticipated yesterday} and I'm seriously a horrible student.

Jacob was just trying to help me out and I kept getting more and more upset when I couldn't remember or understand what he was trying to tell me.

I felt that I should just know this stuff because I was so good at it before. Not taking in to account that I graduated high school 7 years ago and some of this stuff I haven't studied since my freshman or sophomore year. So a good 7-10 years have passed since I've studied any of this math work. It makes sense that I don't remember.

However, being the perfectionist that I am, I just assume it's supposed to all just come rushing back at me.

I love Jacob. For the simple fact that he is who he is. He's so patient with me. I feel bad for snapping at him, but it's who I am. I get frustrated when I can figure something out. I know it's not his fault. He's just trying to explain it to me and I'm not giving my brain the chance to comprehend it. It's not a very good excuse, that this is just the way I am, but it's really all I have.

I've been this way since I was real young. Getting flustered because my letters weren't perfect. Even when I broke my right arm {I was 5} and taught myself how to write with my left hand, I would get angry at myself when it wasn't perfect. Hell, this shit goes back as far as age 2, from stories that my mom has told me. Remember the ball with the difference shapes cut out and you had to put the right shaped block in to the matching hole? Apparently I got so frustrated when one of the shapes wasn't fitting that I threw it down on the ground and exclaimed my first curse word: dammit.

I am a perfectionist. I get really down on myself when I do something wrong or can't figure something out. It eventually works itself out, but not before I get upset or angry.

I don't like the way that I react and I try to work on not reacting that way, but it's hard. It's hard to change the way you've been since before the memories even kicked in.

Anywho, I know I'll do good on the English part of the exam. I focus on that aspect of the work load on a more daily basis than the Algebraic, Geometric and Trigonometric functions. It'll just take a bit of refreshing, but not without frustration. I'll probably write tomorrow to update on how I think I did on the test.

Until next time NuTang ...

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