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The weather
A constant state of being.
My Unkymood Punkymood (Unkymoods)
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no more heat! gah!
Saturday. 6.14.08 7:38 pm
The hotter it gets outside, the hotter my room gets. Regardless that I have the fan blowing almost 24-7 {even though it says I'm not supposed to; the motor could die that way} and the A/C is running almost constantly. My room always seems to be 10 degrees hotter than the remainder of the house. Fuck!

I didn't sleep well at all last night and the nap I took earlier went about the same. Probably because it's nearly impossible to sleep in the fucking heat. You can never get comfortable and you wake up sweating. Not fun.

I borrowed a few CDs from my mom. It's all classical-type music specifically designed to help you relax. Even though I have to work tomorrow, I think I'm going to listen to them tonight {I've got them on right now too.} Maybe they'll help relax me enough so that I can sleep without tossing and turning.

I know in the back of my mind, things will work out, but I'm still afraid.

Sorry that you guys have to see me in this downward spiral. It's not fun when you see someone who is incredibly happy for a month {longer than my normal sudden boost in attitude} and then slowly start to break down and revert back to their original state. I try to be upbeat and in a reasonable mood, but it only lasts as long as I'm at work. And that's only because I have to put on the mask. I let myself go for a few days and everyone was asking me what was wrong. Seeing as how I didn't want to talk about it, I knew I needed to work on my facial composure. It seems to be working. Only when I say something about what's bothering me does anyone notice that I'm still just as depressed as on the days I made it obvious.

I need to figure out where I can get shades or some sort of material to cover my big ass front window. Something that will block the sun from shining through. That's mainly what's causing my room to be freakishly hot. But where am I supposed to get something that will cover my 59" x 47" window ... that's reasonably cheap? I'll still have light in my room; I have another window, but it's North facing so no worries about the sun. I just really need to do something about my front window.

Anywho, I bought a bunch of socks today. I needed new socks. The ones I've had are getting very worn because I only have so many pairs; I'm having to wash them once a week so I have them to wear the next week. Now I don't have to worry about that. I can go more than 2 weeks without running out of socks. And they're all different colors & designs {stripes, polka-spots, etc.} The only thing is that I've become accustomed to no show and smaller socks. These are just low cut. They're still below my ankle, but I'm not used to having a cuff to deal with. Oh well. I'll get used to them. I kinda don't have a choice.

Okay, I think this entry is far long enough. I'll write again whenever.

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Friday. 6.13.08 1:56 pm
There are some days where I want to go out and do something. Other days I want to just stay in my room, away from everything except the confines of the four walls and what it holds within. Today is the latter.

Unfortunately I have to go out. I need to pick up my check and cash it. I also need to go to the store. I don't really want to go by myself; I'm not sure if I'm the right mindset to drive. Then again, if I'm by myself I don't have to worry about making sure my face is composed enough to not bring up inquiring questions as to my mood.

Jake and I stayed up until sometime between 5:30 and 6:00am talking. More was said, discussed. Yet it still doesn't seem finished. I feel almost as if there's something there that simply isn't being said. Something that's being avoided. Whether it be on my part or his, that I'm unsure of. But the unfinished feeling is still there.

Each day that passes gets harder. It's becoming harder to leave him {or see him leave} even when I know exactly when I'll see him again. The pain eats away at me, but no one will ever know that. They only know I'm bothered.

June has always been a hard month for me. I have my father's birthday, Father's Day and the anniversary of my dad's death all taking place in the same month. I'm not sure if it's all just in my head or if things actually seem to become harder to deal with in the month of June.

I'm very distracted as of late. I seem to be getting lost in my own mind more often than not, recently. Thinking of one thing usually leads to a whole new tunnel of things which then branch of into more intricate tunnels and eventually ends up in a huge cave where every thought flies around out of control.

I find that I don't run away from my past. I run away from my present; I simply avoid my past. Or try to.

Is it wrong for me to occasionally want something physically traumatic to happen to me?

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happy birthday padre
Thursday. 6.12.08 2:39 pm
Today is my dad's birthday. He would have been 52.

I hope you're having a good day, Dad. Happy Birthday. I love you.

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listless and unsatisfied
Wednesday. 6.11.08 2:29 pm
I realize, as I'm on my 4th CD, that no type of music seems to be able to satisfy.

Happy, sad, angry, simple, complex. Nothing is helping me.

Perhaps I should just put in the two Halloween CDs I have and listen to those. Or maybe dig out the classical Christmas music.

Those seem neutral enough.

Maybe those will help.

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one end always leads to another beginning
Sunday. 6.8.08 4:14 pm
I've not accepted the end yet, nor will I ever be prepared enough to accept the end. But I am working on accepting that there is nothing more I can do to change what's going to happen.

I've almost accepted that whatever is supposed to happen will and there's very little say I have in it. I'm almost ready to let things run their desired course. I guess you could call it giving up. I'm sure the optimists will see it a different way.

That is the first step.

I gave in to something today. I won't say what, but it's not good. Simply take my word for it. Or pretend I never said anything in the first place. Either way works.

I've decided that I'm going to start reading Twilight now rather than waiting until the end of July as planned. I feel connected with Bella in certain ways and I'm thinking maybe I can get some ideas on how to cope with certain issues by letting my imagination run wild. It'll also distract me for a while; since I'll be reading all three books.

I want to try something. I don't know when I'll be starting it, but when I do, it's going to be torture. I guess you could say that I'm a glutton for punishment right now. I'm going to see exactly how long I can put up with it. It's going to hurt and it's going to be hard. I can only hope ...

I don't know if I'll be blogging over the next few days. I've got far too much on my mind and I don't want to sort it out yet. Even with the worse-than-normal headache it's kinda nice not focusing on anything specific.

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not a day goes by
Saturday. 6.7.08 9:19 am
Not one single day goes by when I don't think about ...

~ my dad and wonder if he's still watching over me; if he's proud of me, of the things I've done; if he approves of my choices or if I've done anything to disappoint him.

~ my past and how it affects my present.

~ my future and where it's going to bring me.

~ putting a blade to my arm and cutting into it again. I don't, but that doesn't stop me from wanting to. It happens quite regularly because I use a sharp object [box cutter} at work

~ different ways I might die. Some of them can become rather creative. Others, not so much.

~ my heart and where it lies. Who I've given pieces of it to and what they've done with it. The scars that are permanently etched into it. Where it will lead me next.

~ when and where I'll be getting my next tattoo and if it'll turn out the way I want it to. The rush it gives me to feel the needles stabbing my skin over and over at rapid speeds.

~ the incredible fear I have of going to a doctor. I know I need to go and I know that there are some things wrong with me. It's the things I don't know about that I'm afraid of.

~ what I would do if a large sum of money were to suddenly come my way.

~ drinking. I rarely drink, but I think about it more often than I allow people to know.

~ running away. Simply packing up and going.

~ having the ability to know exactly how people see me. To know, truly, how they feel about/towards me.

~ completely giving up food. Unfortunately, food is a necessary evil.

~ sex.

~ how different my life would be if I had grown up with a father.

~ the weather. It's unavoidable. And normally annoying.

~ how much I've changed in the last few or so years and just how much actually hasn't changed.

I was thinking about things to add to this entry while I was working. I kept getting distracted by my random thoughts so I figured I'd write some of them down when I got home. And that's what I did.

I'm not sure where the metaphor came from, but we had to rush to get the ad out {corporate forgot to mention the ad started today instead of tomorrow} and at one point I turned to Tammy and said, "we need to get this stuff out like a piranha in a butcher shop." Or something to that affect. In other words, we had to bust it out pretty fast. And we did. We got all but one pallet out.

But now that I've made this a fairly long entry, I should probably end it. If there's anything else that comes to mind, I'll add it later. This entry ends here.

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