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*le sigh*
Thursday. 8.28.08 5:03 pm
I got a new job. It's for a security company. I'll be making about $3 more an hour, if not more, and I'll have benefits. I haven't started yet, but I go to training/orientation tomorrow morning. I hope it doesn't bother Jacob that I'm in the same class as him now. I have a feeling he was happy about me not having to be there. I've already said yes so I can't change my mind now, but I sort of wish I had just said I couldn't do it until next week when they had mine scheduled. Ugh.

I've given myself a month and a half to be out of here.

I'm afraid that once I move out our relationship is going to falter ... and I've told him how I feel.

He doesn't read these things anymore. I'm sure he would if I asked him to. Otherwise, no. I can't say I don't care; otherwise I wouldn't be mentioning it, but whatever.

If you can't tell the overwhelming stress I'm under is kind of overpowering my excitement about the new job.

I want to just get away and hide out somewhere for a while, but my need for certain things is keeping me from actually doing so. Like money to survive, amongst other things.

I just don't know ...

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contemplation
Thursday. 8.21.08 9:42 pm
My eye won't stop twitching. It's really starting to annoy.

I'm thinking about maybe moving to Washington ... though at this point, it's only a thought.

I'm hoping to get this job I had an interview for today. I could really use it.

I'm broke beyond broke. Why is it whenever I don't have money, that's when I see all kinds of things that I want?

Still on hiatus. I'm sure I'll be back as active as I was before ... at some point in time.

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trying not to count the days
Sunday. 8.17.08 11:19 am
I'm trying very hard not to think about how long I've been living with Jacob and his mother. I was only supposed to stay for two weeks and I'm about to pay her for my third week here, which would mean I'm starting my fourth week in this apartment.

I'm also trying very hard to give him and her both time alone and space to themselves. A not-so-easy feat when you're sharing a room with your beau. Also a not-so-easy feat when you're a person who doesn't really like going anywhere, especially if you have nowhere to go and not enough money to go anywhere else.

I'm still searching for a job, obviously a much harder task than believed. Even with all the "now hiring!" signs that seem to be posted everywhere. I've applied at each of those places, with the exception of the food service industries and I've called half of those places back. Am I getting anywhere? No. Of course not.

Anywho, about the only thing that's new is that I'm now on the pill. Hopefully I won't have to deal with the wrath of Mother Nature as I did this month. I was literally in bed for a day and a half. I've never been in so much pain, nor have I been as sick. I'm glad that it's passed and I hope I never have to deal with that again. My one and only issue with taking it is that I'm so against taking meds that I've never had to remember to take a pill at the same time every single day. It's not hard, just annoying.

Jacob and I have made a compromise. I'm not going to go into details, but it's one that I'm looking very forward to. You don't want to know what the details are anyway. I'll just let your imaginations run wild. If, and that's a big if, you're able to put the complete lack of clues together and guess, I'll confirm it. Otherwise, I'll quite enjoy your imaginitave stories, if you feel compelled to inform me.

Alright, I know that's not much of an update, but I guess it's better than nothing. I have no idea when I'll write again. I'm sure I'll be back eventually though.

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Sunday. 8.10.08 9:49 am
I've been so confused lately. Jake keeps pushing me to figure out where I want to go and what I want to do. I know that I need to figure this out, but I'm trying to figure so much out at the same time it's hard to focus on only that.

We had a sort of house party the other night at my sister's. Jake brought Blue Ice potato vodka, cinammon After Shock and a 12 pack of Miller Chill. My sister and I had a nice buzz going, while Anthony, John and Jake got drunk. Altogether there were 11 of us there, but only 5 of us were drinking.

The night was great up until the alcohols finally mixed in everyone's stomachs and they didn't mix very well.

For two hours Jake wanted to talk. Even though I was tired, I stayed up and listened. I didn't think it was going to take that sort of turn though.

What am I supposed to do? He confessed to me how much he still loves someone. That he wanted her there to hold. I also found out that I had been having a poor attitude toward the wrong person. It wasn't the same one as I thought he still loved. The girl I thought he still wanted didn't even come up in conversation. Instead two names came up; two that I hear on a somewhat regular basis, but I always just thought they were good friends. The way he talked about them was just like they were his closest friends. It was very similar to the way he talks about his best friend, Mike. So of course I wouldn't think anything of it.

His mom mentioned the one name he did about a week before this drunken-incident and yes, it bothered me because he hadn't told me, but I pushed it aside. And came close to, not forgetting it, but not dwelling on it ... until he confessed his love for her. Now it's making me sick.

He told me how much he misses his home and that's an understandable thing. But he only brought up missing his home and two other people. I'm tyring very hard not to use the logic that she's the only reason he wants to go back. But when nothing or no one else came up in the reasons why he wants to go back? It's pretty hard not to use another logic.

I need to talk to him about this. It's all making me physically sick again. I need to get this off my chest and find out exactly what's going on before I get worse.

During the drunken stupor he also repeatedly told me how beautiful he thinks I am and that I should never let anyone tell me differently. That I need to know how beautiful I am. Right before we both fell asleep, he told me that he loves me. And that I should never forget that.

Is it possible to love two people at the same time, but in different ways?

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quick up
Thursday. 7.31.08 9:45 pm
To use a word Edward used, I'm kind of at an impasse right now. I'm still working my shitty, half-ass hours at Big Lots. I'm still looking for another job, though probably not as hard as I'm capable of doing. I've been living with Jake for almost a week and I only seem to feel comfortable when it's just him and I in the apartment. Or even when I'm by myself. As soon as his mom comes home, I start to feel a little less comfortable.

I have no idea why.

I just know that I need to get a job and my own apartment. I'm praying that the place I want to move in to will still have something available when I need it.

Thanks to Jake, I'm addicted to this online game called Mabinogi. I don't understand everything, but I seem to want to play it all the time. He helps me with the things I have trouble with. It's nice having a personal helper in the game.

So that's it for now. I shall write again whenever.

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quick update
Sunday. 7.27.08 9:26 pm
I finish moving my things over to Jake's house tomorrow. I hope I don't have to intrude for too long. It all depends on when I can get a full time job that will pay me enough to allow me to afford my own place.

My mom has been pissing me off lately. This whole moving thing is stressful for all of us and it's hard to keep tempers from flaring, but ... whatever.

I know that everything will be okay. It's just getting through it that's hard.

The Dark Knight is an amazing movie. I suggest you drop what you're doing immediately and go see it. When you're done, go back and watch it again. If we can, we're going to see The Dark Knight a second time. It all depends on money.

That's all I have for now. Hopefully the next time I write, I'll have something good to update on.

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