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The weather
A constant state of being.
My Unkymood Punkymood (Unkymoods)
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Oddly even
Sunday. 11.23.14 7:25 pm
As I've said in the past, I have this thing about even and odd numbers. I'm not sure you've noticed, but I've recently begun writing every other day. Every odd date. Writing every other day, I feel, is more efficient than writing every day {unless something comes up that would require an extra entry} because this allows for some reflection before composing. Sometimes you can just sit down and type and it flows out of you like you've had it in you this whole time and it's been trying to escape for a while. Other times, you just sit and stare at the screen, typing out this or that before deleting it and staring at the screen some more.

There's quite a few things happening all at once right now and I'm not sure what to do about it. I'm not going to write about any of it until some decisions are made and things are put in to motion. Hopefully it won't cause me to disappear for an elongated period of time, but if I just up and poof, know that I will be back once things have settled.

If you haven't already done so, you need to check out this guy's YouTube page: The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows . It puts some interesting perspective on things and listening to his voice is something I could do all day.

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Stranger things have happened.
Friday. 11.21.14 8:31 pm
I woke up this morning to a Facebook message from someone who stopped speaking to me a couple years ago, for what I felt was no apparent reason. The others who have stopped speaking to me {there are 3}, that I'm still interested in how their lives are going, I'm aware of why they all stopped. The message was short and to the point. "hey you, call me" with a corresponding number. I did. It rang a few times then went to voice mail. I replied to the message saying I had been asleep and asked what was up. I have yet to receive a response.

I have no idea why this individual reached out to me {at quarter after 6 this morning.} I'm sure if it is anything important, there will be a further attempt at communication. I'm only partially curious, however. Despite the unfortunate circumstances surrounding why the other three people stopped speaking to me, I'm well aware of {at least part of} the reason so I take comfort in knowing that they cared enough about me to tell me something before completely cutting me out. This person just stopped. No explanation, no hints, nothing.

I'm just going through the motions right now. Dull and boring is still in full effect. Still ever thankful for the lull in my life. It'll change again at some point. When that finally happens, I will do my very best to take things in stride. And if I panic and freak out, I hope that the friends who have stuck by my side for every other episode of mine will continue to be there until I can pull myself back out of it.

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Bitter to the very end
Wednesday. 11.19.14 9:59 pm
The past few days I've been feeling particularly bitter, if you couldn't tell by the tone of the previous entry. I don't know why I'm feeling this way, but I'm sure there's some kind of hidden reason or chemical imbalance that I'm fighting with.

I went to a park last night after my eye doc appointment. It was the park that a former friend took me to, in the middle of the night, around this same time of year, two years ago. It was freezing, I was coming down from quite a few drinks and I told him that I wasn't ready to stop sleeping with my ex. I ruined what could have been a perfectly good friendship. Obviously we weren't meant to be friends, otherwise some stupid shit like that wouldn't have come out of my mouth, or he wouldn't have given two fucks about how I was feeling. In which case he shouldn't be the type of person I want as my friend anyway.

The view from this park is beautiful. I feel like it's best at night, when the city is lit up and the lights fade from the city, to the suburbs to the blackness of the open water. It's a place to go to find peace. I felt content with the moment when I left there. I smiled most of the way home, thinking about how nice it felt to be there, even if it was only for 10 minutes.

The entire day leading up to that point, however, was filled with snap comments and yelling at other idiot drivers on the road. Bitter. Cold. Harsh.

It's something that seems to be taking over me more often than not, at least over the last few days. It'll pass, like every other time, but for now, I'm embracing it.

I'm embracing the inner bitch that wants very much to be known.

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Feigned sympathy.
Monday. 11.17.14 9:05 pm
This is the time of year when everyone begins to ask you what you're doing for the holidays. If you don't come up with a great answer, or what they feel is exciting enough, then they suddenly begin to outwardly appear to feel sorry for you. I'm sure there are some people who genuinely feel sorry, but most people just think that's what you want to hear from them.

When you ask me what I'm doing for the holidays and I tell you that I'm working, don't say "oh, that's rather unfortunate" or "couldn't you have taken the day off?" I'm working because it's my regularly scheduled day to work. When I tell you that I live alone here and that my family is 1,300 miles away, I'm not expecting you to feel sorry for me. Don't come back at me with "oh no! I'm so sorry to hear that!" or "why don't you go and visit them/they come visit you?" I've even gotten the rare "well, don't you miss your family?" Do you really think that if I could afford to take the time off that I wouldn't be on the next plane out? I'm not a monster. I'm a single, independent female who's trying to make something of herself. Of course I miss them. I'm glad you or your family make enough money to travel during the ridiculously expensive holiday travel window, but I haven't made it there yet.

I made the conscious decision to move away from my family. I didn't have a falling out {not this time} and I wasn't running away. I moved here to create a better life for myself. It's a rather slow moving process, but it's still in progress. I feel at home here; something I haven't felt in a very long time. And when I finally do make it, of course my visits to them will increase, like the once a year I was able to go when I lived in Arizona. Times have changed, circumstances are different, but they will change again and when they do, I'll take full advantage. But for now, I work with what I have.

So you can take your feigned sympathy and your fake concern and shove it. Be happy that I'm not lying in a ditch somewhere begging for food.

I have 4 Thanksgiving dinners this year, and every one of them is with people who have made me a part of their family. Thank you very much.

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The end is approaching
Sunday. 11.16.14 8:47 pm
Or a new beginning. However you want to look at it.

It's funny to me that people make resolutions on January 1st. What makes that day so much more significant than any other 1st of the month? Is it because the year changes? What makes New Year's Day the most important one? I'm not sure about you, but I have several "new years" throughout the year.

For example, July 1st is a new year for me. It signifies that the anniversary of my father's passing has passed and it's a whole year before that day comes again. October 5th is a new year for me because it signifies that I'm still alive so many years after my birth. Anniversaries, birthdays, death days. These are all examples of what could signify a New Year. What is it that makes January 1st so special for everyone?

With less than 60 days left in 2014, I'm ready for 2015. I haven't a clue what it's going to bring, but it's certainly going to come, whether I'm prepared for it or not.

With Thanksgiving quickly approaching, I'm actually incredibly thankful for all that's happened to me this year. It all started on December 26th and progressed from there. This year has had many ups and downs, ridiculously high peaks and corresponding low valleys. A friend of mine pointed out that going uphill is much more of a challenge than going downhill. The downhill part is easy, so the phrase should be reversed. I disagree, however, because the uphill part is much more fun. It's much more rewarding at the end, when you reach that plateau and you realize just how awesome it is to be there; how all your hard work paid off for the amazing reward at the end.

In my opinion, going downhill is much more challenging. It happens much faster, but it can be quite painful. If you slip and fall, there's a very good chance that you can keep falling. Going uphill, if you slip, you're already facing the right direction so you just kind of take a pause until you can regain your footing. When I would go hiking, going downhill was the worst part. I never fell on a cactus going uphill. I never twisted ankles or got quite so scratched up when going uphill. Yes, it's hard work and it takes a lot out of you sometimes, but the reward is what makes it worth it.

This past few weeks have been dull and boring, just as I wished for. I'm also incredibly thankful for that. It's nice being able to breathe again.

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Friday. 11.14.14 8:26 am
Whoa ... I kind of dropped off the grid there. Not intentionally, however. Usually when I disappear for a few days, I do so on purpose. Well, as of late that's the way it seems to happen. This time it was just because I had nothing interesting to write about. I had absolutely nothing going on through my head that I felt needed to be 'put down on paper.'

Today is my 10 year anniversary with NuTang! Gosh, it's hard to believe that I've been doing this for 10 years. There's not much evidence of the beginning, however, because I stupidly deleted all of the entries from that time. They were all password protected and, at the time of deletion, I had no idea how to retrieve all the old passwords. I have since learned how, but there's no way to get back deleted entries. I'm oddly okay with it, though there are times I wish I could go back and read about what was going on so that I can see how far I've come. I mean, I know the memories I have, but it's not the same as when you see what's been written down.

Considering the most recent life situation that I've been dealing with, it's kind of interesting how heartbreak was the original reason as to why I even started this blog. My first true heartbreak, the one that sent me over the edge and caused me to hit rock bottom. Since then I have sworn not to go down the same path and I've upheld that promise to myself. I started to fall in to it a little bit back in September; I stopped eating for a few days, but I reached out and got back up from my mini-tantrum. It's been two months since the fateful mistake and I'd like to think that I've done quite well with myself.

I'm going to do something today to celebrate this 10 year long commitment. Rarely does something last this long anymore these days. I haven't a clue what I'm going to do, but I'm sure it'll be fitting and fantastic.

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