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The weather
A constant state of being.
My Unkymood Punkymood (Unkymoods)
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too good to be true
Friday. 9.21.07 12:15 pm
Well, to those of you who were wondering how my interview went yesterday, it didn't. I got there and the guy who was there said that the manager had a family emergency and he wouldn't be back until Monday. So I rescheduled my interview for Monday at 11. I knew that it was too good to be true. I just wasn't sure what was going to happen to make it that way.

I was able to sleep last night. I fell asleep just after 2am and I woke up briefly at some point early this morning, but I don't remember what time. Then I woke up again at 10:15am, decided that I was going to only lay there for another 45 minutes and then I'd get up. I ended up not waking up again until almost noon. That was about 20 minutes ago.

I've not quite forgiven the cat yet, but last night I was able to get him to stop wincing every time I went near him. See, yesterday morning I was so pissed off at what he did that I smacked him pretty hard and for the rest of the day, whenever I went past him, he'd look up at me and either scurry away or wince. Its not healthy for him so I finally managed to calm him down. He still looks up at me when I walk past him, almost as if waiting, but he stays put and doesn't wince. It'll be a little bit before I finally forgive him.

Anywho, today my sister, her boyfriend and I are going to see Good Luck Chuck. I've been looking forward to seeing this movie since earlier this year when I first heard about it. I'm excited, but not near enough for it to be obvious to other people. Very rarely am I ever excited enough about something that other people can obviously tell.

Is it sad when people get scared and cautious if they see that I'm excited and happy and smiling much, much more than usual?

This weekend they're predicting showers off and on all weekend. The past few days have been quite on the windy side, which usually indicates that there's a storm somewhere nearby. Usually, though, the storm is unable to make it over the mountains and all we get is just a lot of wind. The predicted storm {whether it comes or not} is bringing us much cooler temperatures. It was only a couple weeks ago, if even that, that it was still getting over 100 every day. The past few days haven't quite gotten past 90 for a high and right now, its only 72 outside. Actual decent weather. Still warm enough to be able to wear capris, flip flops and t-shirts, but cool enough that you're not sweating by the time you reach the end of your driveway.

The perfect temperature for me is between 65 and 75. Anything above 75 is just too hot for my liking. If it occasionally goes below 65 {no matter how far} is also fine for me. The only thing I really loathe about weather, be it hot or cold, is wind. When its nice outside and there's a cool breeze, I don't mind. But if its hot and windy, the wind is hot and uncomfortable. If its cold and windy, the chill causes my eyes to tear up. No matter the temperature, the wind always messes my hair up. Unless I have it pulled back into a bun and gelled to my head, which I haven't needed {or wanted} to do since I quit my job. Overall, wind sucks.

This weekend also holds Balloonapalooza II which is a "3 day hot air balloon festival with 2 stages of live entertainment, full carnival, circus shows, balloon glows and acensions." Its being held in the golf course across the street from where my mom works, so its right up the road from where I live. I really want to go up in a hot air balloon. I've been into them since before I can remember; my grandfather would take pictures from when he'd go to events and I'd love to look at them. My sister will be going early tomorrow with a group of her friends, but maybe when mom gets off work she and I can go. If I do go, I'll get pictures and I'll post them in my gallery.

Alrighty, I think this is long enough. Kudos to those who have read all the way through. And special kudos to those who comment.

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reluctant thoughts
Thursday. 9.20.07 7:52 am
I only got four hours of sleep again last night, only this time I was awoken to something quite unpleasant as opposed to yesterday simply waking on my own ... just at a fairly early hour.

The tears aren't coming anymore. Either because my eyes are just too dry or because I'm not allowing them to flow. I haven't been able to cry in a month so I had a good solid half hour of tear flow. Unfortunately, my mom and sister were awake so both of them saw. I know my sister doesn't care, but I don't want my mom to have to see it.

There's nothing I can do. I can't simply shut a door like the rest of them. I have no privacy.

I'm reluctantly thinking that maybe I shouldn't have left Tucson. I'd be able to cry every week or every day if I wanted. I wouldn't have to worry about anyone seeing against my will. I could cry as long and hard as I wanted to. Here, I can't.

I can't do anything here.

But if I were in Tucson, I'd still be working the same job that I hated. I'd still be dealing with the complete lack of opportunity to get my license {and even though it seems to not be happening here either, the opportunity is still there.} I'd have friends, but I'd still be alone most of the time.

I can't win. Its almost like I'm not supposed to be happy. Every time I'm excited or looking forward to something, something else happens to kill my mood.

I wish ... I just wish.

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mixed emotions
Wednesday. 9.19.07 1:37 pm
Last night I went to bed around 3:30am, but I didn't fall asleep until closer to 4am. I went to bed with my recently usual hopeless attitude with the knowledge of the phone call I had to make this morning. I decided not to take Nyquil last night and I ended up only getting 3 hours of sleep. I was awake at 7am.

I layed there for about an hour and when I didn't fall back asleep, I decided to just get up. Another hour goes by, I made the phone call I didn't want to make. After listening to the annoying automated menu, I finally reach an actual person. I state that I have a road test scheduled for tomorrow at noon and due to unforseen circumstances, I wouldn't be able to make it and if there was a way I could rescedule.

The woman I spoke to was very helpful, but told me that the next open date for a road test wasn't until November 1st. Not exactly what I was hoping for.

That news had left me bummed out so when my phone rang and I saw a number that I didn't recognize, I thought to myself, "great, yet another wrong number. Just what I need." When I answered, the person calling asked for me. This definately caught me off guard so I was hesitant in answering back.

It was the manager from Radio Shack calling to see if I was still interesting in getting a job and if I'd be able to come in for an interview. Since it was very off guard, I wasn't able to go in today, but I have an interview scheduled for tomorrow morning at 11am.

I had a sudden burst of excitement which soon turned into nerves once I was able to calm my adrenaline. I know that I'll be fine during the interview, but its something different from what I'm used to and I always get nervous. Once I'm in a routine, I'll be perfectly fine. But its that initial start that I have trouble with.

Anywho, there's this made-for-TV Disney movie called Cadet Kelly. I don't like the movie, nor do I like Hilary Duff. I watch the movie so that I can see Shawn Ashmore. He's pretty much one of the hottest guys ever ... in my personal opinion. He's more commonly known for his roll as Iceman in the X-Men Trilogy {which I haven't seen, but I have every intention on doing so} That brought up a rather funny conversation between Tiff and I. I only wish I hadn't X-ed out the IM before I copied the exact excerpt. But here's the gist of it:
~ me: you know what makes him even better?
~ her: wha?
~ me: he's got a twin brother! double the hottness! =]
~ her: yea? when did that happen?
~ me: uhhh ... the day they were born?
~ her: lqtm, you know what I mean. when was that mentioned?
~ me: lqtm, but I just love being a smartass. and I saw it on IMDB.

I just thought that part was funny. He's 7 years older than me though. Not that I'd ever, ever have any kind of chance to even meet him let alone get anything more out of the situation. Its still a thought that crosses my mind. That's the luxury of dreams ... anything can happen in them.

Uhm, I changed the playlist I have on bug. I got sick of listening to the same old music I usually listen to so I put together a playlist of mostly non-rock related songs. I couldn't help but put a few on there, though. Its most of the older songs I used to listen to and never stopped liking. Some of them are newer, but only a few. Like I said on the entry there, if you have any songs that you think would be good for the playlist, feel free to leave it in a comment or message it to me.

Alrighty, I think this entry is long enough. I shall write again whenever.

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Tuesday. 9.18.07 5:08 pm
Well, I won't be taking my road test on Thursday. I'm going to call tomorrow {since its closed now} to reschedule it for the Thursday after my birthday. Charlotte needed to get her brakes worked on and we haven't heard from her yet today. I don't know how comfortable I'd feel taking a test after only driving her car for one day.

That's yet another thing to add to the list of bad shit that's happening to me. The only good thing about taking the test after my birthday {and this is literally the only good thing about it} is that I won't have that red strip above my name stating that I'm under 21 until a specific date. It would be cheaper than having my license before I'm 21 and then getting another one after I'm 21 so that the red strip is removed.

I can't win for losing. I already know that I'm not meant to live in Las Vegas, but does the fucking town have to continuously rub it in my face? Do they have to keep rejecting me in everything I try and do?

What the fuck kind of good is going to come of all this bad? And I sure as hell would love to know the reason behind all of the bullshit I'm dealing with.

Ugh. This is going to be a rather short entry because if I make it any longer, the ranting will just get worse and eventually I'll end up just repeating myself.

I hate feeling this way. I just wish there was something that would happen to put some spark of hope into me.

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lying dormant
Monday. 9.17.07 4:14 pm
So I've realized that I'm not in recovery from my cold; that its only lying dormant in my body. I can feel the cold there, but its not showing its ugly face yet. Its like a volcano that lays dormant, but it continues to smoke for weeks, months or even years before it finally errupts. I'm hoping that this cold either finally errupts or simply blows over. The way my luck has been going, I won't be lucky enough to have it simply blow over.

I've also reached the point of no return. I have tonight, tomorrow and Wednesday to be able to drive with enough confidence in myself that I'll pass the test; maybe not with flying colors, but enough to not have to repeat it. Tonight I'll be taking mom's car and Tony's car {if he's up to it} and heading up to an empty parking lot to practice my parallel parking. Something I doubt I'll ever have to use. But since I need to know it for my test, I need to know it well enough to pass.

Even though I've not driven since the accident, I still have a feeling that I'll pass the test without much issue. I apparently have a bunch of subconscious confidence in myself that is refusing to show itself while I'm still awake. Hopefully I'll be able to consciously be aware of the subconscious confidence the day of my test.

Anywho, the entry that I was planning on writing under blackfire or bug isn't going to happen. At least not right away. The internet was giving me problems again last night and by the time it decided to start working again, I had lost my train of thought. I can tell you that its about Stuart, but I'm not sure exactly what about him anymore. Maybe in the next few days I'll remember how I wanted to word it, but until then, you {and me} are going to have to wait.

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recovering + random ramblings
Sunday. 9.16.07 10:18 pm
I'm in recovery from my cold. The only reason its not lasted longer is because I've not been doing anything except sitting on my ass. About the most strenuous thing I've done in the last two days is the dishes. Whoo, and we all know that's definately the way to keep yourself sick. Ha.

Its sad really. I have so much to do that the most exciting part of my day is by doing the thing I hate most. I get over a cold in a matter of only a few days as opposed to the week or two that it normally takes. I would much rather have a job and be sick for 2 weeks than have all the time in the world to sit and recover and take care of myself.

In other news, the blister on the inside of my cheek still hurts. Last night it was bugging me so much that I couldn't smile. Hard thing to do when watching SNL. Its a little better today, but not by much.

My sister brought home a fundraiser for one of her choir trips. I'm going to be buying chocolate peanut butter bears and coconut filled chocolates. Mom said that I can pay her back when I get the money. I have every intention on doing so.

I'm thinking about buying a mini refridgerator ... I think I've already mentioned something about this in a previous entry. I hate not being able to refridgerate my chocolate; it gets all soft and melty when it isn't. Blah.

I'm watching the Emmy Awards right now. Its sort of funny when they stage something that's supposed to be completely random. Kanye purposely sang his song wrong so that Rainn would win. It was a little humorous. I also liked that Stewie and Brian opened the show. Other than that, the awards are not holding much of my interest.

I've lost a few pounds ... I'm not quite sure how. I can only hope that it stays that way with me losing weight. Also the blisters on my Achilles tendons are healed so I'm able to wear shoes again. Possibly tomorrow or Tuesday I'll be walking to the apartments to go swimming.

Hmm, what else can I randomly put in here. . . I can't think of anything else. Well, I can, but its not for this entry. I'll be putting it either under bug or blackfire ... not sure which yet. You'll find out as soon as I post it.

Till tomorrow. . .

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