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Wednesday. 5.11.11 11:08 pm
So I don't know if the therapist went well or not. Seeing as how each session is only about 45 minutes long, and with this being the first one, not much was accomplished. At least not in my mind. She wanted me to come back again so I've got two more appointments scheduled; one at the end of this month and another the beginning of next month. We'll see what happens.

I'm sort of going in to a downward spiral right now. With as many things as I've got going for me at the moment {orientations for school and volunteering and a new schedule at work that doesn't require me to work one odd shift each week} I'm not feeling the least bit accomplished.

My mind isn't in it. And when I say "it" I mean anything. I'm actually back to wishing I could just up and disappear. I know that I shouldn't feel that way, but I do.

I'm also aware that this is all stuff to discuss with the therapist over the next couple appointments.

Anywho, we got new pots! I'm really excited about it because the ones that we had were really starting to fall apart. The non-stick coating was coming off almost every single pot/pan that we owned. Only two, one pot and one pan, has survived. These new ones are so nice. Hopefully they'll stay that way for a while.

Alright, I'm done. Until next time ...

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feeling inferior
Sunday. 5.8.11 6:02 pm
The ideas and thoughts that Jacob has been sharing with me lately have been making me feel rather inferior. They're ideas about the body and mind and genetics. Things that could improve or assist different parts or things in the future.

I have nothing even close to that intelligent to talk about. Instead I would complain about something at work. Or just make an unrelated statement about an upcoming appointment.

I keep getting the feeling that maybe I should separate myself from him. I don't want to be the one responsible for holding him back from his dreams or ideas. I'm not physically holding him back, but I feel like he'd be more free to do what he wanted, whenever he wanted if I wasn't around. If he didn't have to worry about me and my financial stability {or lack there of} or my emotional state, then he'd be free. Nothing would be tying him down or holding him back.

It might just be a bit of depression that's triggering all these feelings, but I'm not imagining the fact that he hasn't cuddled up to me in bed in at least 4 days. I'm the only one who's been doing the cuddling.

Two more days. I'll find out about a couple's therapist then. And perhaps discover some of my own problems that I didn't even know were there.

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3 more days
Saturday. 5.7.11 1:13 am
I have to get through 3 more days before seeing the therapist.

I know that Jacob supports my decision to go, but you'd think he'd be more so during these last few days before I have to go, considering how much I was against it before. But instead, we've barely spoken to each other during the last few days.

Maybe I'm just being paranoid again and that everything between us is fine; he's just having another one of his mood swings. But I'm still uncomfortable with all the silence that's been between us lately.

I just have to get through 3 more days and maybe the doc will be able to help me understand what the hell is going on. Or help me not be so crazy.

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Friday. 5.6.11 1:45 am
I haven't written an entry with that kind of title in a while. It was long overdue.

I've started over on my Japanese. And yes, it's because Jacob is working on his Japanese again. This time he didn't ask me to work on it. He's already got someone who he can speak Japanese with. She's actually from Japan. I'm probably learning this language for all the wrong reasons, but whatever. As long as I don't lie to myself ...

My employer kind of fucked up with some of my benefits. I made a dentist's appointment Wednesday and I found out yesterday that there was no record of me ever getting dental benefits. Which sent up a red flag because I remember signing up before the deadline. So I contact my employer and we eventually get it worked out. I'm not sure what happened on their end, but they were required to give me the benefits, even though it's not open enrollment, simply because they messed up on their end. I did my part. So now my appointment will be covered and I won't have to worry about canceling it. Although I am not looking forward to this appointment at all, it's a necessary evil. Especially since I haven't been in like, 16 years.

I have my therapist appointment on Tuesday. Jacob said it's best to go alone {as opposed to him coming along and then just meeting up with me afterwards} because your emotions might be running high once you're done. I don't like the idea of going downtown alone again, but I suppose if he thinks it's best...

I'm going to bring up the possibility of a couple's counselor while I'm there.

I don't feel like doing math work tonight. I want to study more Japanese, but I'm yawning so much my eyes are watering. So I should probably just shut the computer off and sleep.

Until next time NuTang ...

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Wednesday. 5.4.11 9:08 pm
The background color is only temporary until I get around to finding a background that I want.

For whatever reason my stars background suddenly decided to stop working. And I was really sick of the white background.

I'll probably just keep the solid black for a while. My laziness overpowers the urge to look for something different.

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frying the brain: part 3
Saturday. 4.30.11 1:52 am
Jacob is finished with his Introductory Algebra for College Students and is on to his Pre-Calculus book. Which means that I'm using the Algebra book for practice now.

I'm doing really, really simple stuff right now, but my brain hurts since I haven't done anything like it in years and years. At least not this much of it all at the same time.

The laptop is a helper and a distraction. Helping because I can play music on it {when I did homework in school, I would turn the TV on, but I'd have a music channel playing} but at the same time distracting because it's really easy to open another tab and play around on the net. Right now I'm simply taking a break. I might or might not go back to it tonight. It all depends on how tired I am. Which as of right now, bed is winning the competition for when I'm done typing.

Perhaps I could just turn Jacob's computer on and listen to the music he has on there. I'm rarely tempted to play around on the net on his computer. I am tired, though.

Decisions, decisions.

Anywho, I watched the first 3 and half hours of the Royal Wedding last night. I watched people arrive, the ceremony itself {exchanging of the vows and such} and then all of them going back to Buckingham Palace. After that I turned it off and went to bed. By then, though, it was already past 4:30am so I was struggling to stay awake anyway.

I watched the kiss{es} this morning on a video clip taken from the live stream last night. It was sweet. The frowning girl was funny and the planes flying over reminded me of all the planes flying over Vegas from Nellis AFB. As annoying as they were, it was still cool to watch sometimes. Especially air shows.

Back to schoolwork. I'm trying to get myself used to the work load that I'll be receiving once I start going back to school. If I even take just two classes, I'll have a ton of extra work to do. So as of right now, I've got the note-taking and coloring of the Marine Biology book and have just added on the Algebra work. I need to work out a good pattern so that I don't give myself overkill, nor give myself too little at a time.

Jacob has it a little easier than I do when it comes to time. My swing shifts tend to be slightly busier than his grave shifts, although sometimes they can be just as dull and uneventful. Which means once I start going to school, I'll probably take advantage of the weekends when the hospital is closed and I won't need to patrol around as much, nor respond to calls since no one will be there to require our assistance.

Alrighty, I needed the break from killing my brain. Time to get back to it.

Until next time NuTang ...

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