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Recovery
Sunday. 8.21.16 8:29 pm
Last week was a really long week ... but I've been doing things to occupy my mind, and I'm going to try my damnedest to not have another ... I don't really even know what to call it. Outburst seems too tame. Tongue lashing isn't really fitting either. I basically told my friend to fuck off in a lot of words. A lot of words. A lot of unnecessary, uncalled for, words.

It's my own fault, really. After realizing I was getting nowhere, I should have just stopped. Did I? Ha, of course not. I don't quit that easily. I push and push and push until I push way too far, at which point it all blows up in my face. I guess now I'm just trying to see where this actually goes. It's kind of at a weird ... cordial point right now. I'm still not quitting, but at least I'm not freaking out anymore.

On a different topic, I've reached the 40 lbs lost mark. I only have 5 more left until I reach my official weight goal. I should have that gone by the time I go on my vacation. Which, I think was actually my original goal point. I wanted to be back to where I was before I turned 30. So, being cautiously optimistic, I'm pretty confident in saying I'll be able to reach that goal. I gained roughly 45 lbs in 5 years, and I've lost almost all of that in about 14 months. I'm pretty damn proud of this fact.

The heat wave finally broke last night. It was much cooler today. Exactly how a Seattle summer should be. The 80s is pushing it, but the 90s is just too much here. It was nice having to turn off my fans and pull up another blanket. Going out today I didn't feel like I was going to melt.

I met up with some friends at the Pacific Science Center to go wandering through the Art of the Brick exhibit. Lots of LEGO sculptures. It was pretty nifty seeing what one person has done with just these inconspicuous bricks. Of course I took a bunch of pictures. I think the only reason I wouldn't is if it weren't allowed, like with King Tut. Although, I do feel like I appreciated the ancient artifacts a little more than the LEGO displays... a lot of them were versions of popular pieces, paintings and such; famous works of art. The ones that were created specifically for a personal reason, I read those descriptions more.

It's back to work tomorrow ... I'm working with two floats. I'm already unhappy about it, but I guess I can make it through one day. I kind of feel like depending on how shitty tomorrow is, I may get some sushi after work. We'll see.

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I fucked up. Again.
Tuesday. 8.16.16 6:10 pm
Just like 2 years ago, I can't come back from this one either.

I guess I can only hope for the eventual closure that I got last time.

At least this time I didn't say I love you.

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In the stars
Monday. 8.15.16 8:24 pm
In speaking with my friend today {hi, you, if you're actually reading this, now that you know about it} about zodiac signs, I read up on my Chinese zodiac and it basically says that this year is just a shit year for me. It makes so much sense now. Well, not really, but whatever. It's something that I can tie to having a shit year without having to put much thought in to why. It says why, right there. It's in the damn stars. Since he's half Chinese I suppose it makes sense as to why it was brought up alongside the Astrological zodiac. Between being a Libra and a Tiger, I've got a lot of angst going on here.

Anywho, the wedding was nice. It was, as expected, very churchy. I was rather uncomfortable sitting through the ceremony. Lots of scripture readings, Psalms, God talk, lots of 'amen's,' and the giant cross behind them helped nothing. I was alone for the ceremony because one of the other people invited text me that morning saying she was sick, and her close friend {also invited} stayed behind as well. The other coworker who'd been invited was running late due to a blowout that her kid had right before leaving. So lucky me, I got to sit awkwardly alone.

The reception was nice; the food was all homemade, except the cakes. I'm glad that at least someone made it to the reception, otherwise I'd have just gone home. I'm really uncomfortable in a church setting. I have been for well over half my life now. Mostly why I want my own wedding to be outdoors. That and Autumn colors are amazing.

After we finished, and said one more round of congratulations, we parted ways and I headed back home to relax for a short bit before heading back out again. It's been in the 80s+ this last week and I'm realizing that I jinxed myself in saying that we were having a mild summer. Mother Nature is giving me a giant 'fuck you' right now because it's supposed to be in the upper 80s, and 90s, for most of the remainder of the month. Long story short, it's been hot.

I tried to cool off a little bit, unsuccessfully, before heading back to Puyallup for the Night Nation 5K. I met up with a friend from work; this was her first fun run. It's actually, technically my first fun run as well, since there was no timing chip. It was really just for fun. I went mostly to support her, partly because I'd not done any kind of charity-driven run this year. She did really well! I'm quite proud of the fact that she pushed through, kept pace with me most of the way. I even got her to jog a little! It was a slow jog, but she's just starting her fitness journey, so I made sure not to overdo the pushing. It was also still hot, despite the fact that the sun had set, and there were a LOT of people there.

Because of the incredibly busy day Saturday, and the fact that I was out until around 11, I needed Sunday to decompress. The internet was out for a majority of yesterday, so I took advantage and finished the book I'd borrowed. I exchanged it out for another one today, which, of course I left at my desk. I think of all the books I've borrowed from her, I've maybe remembered to bring home 2 on the day that I received it. All the others I'd forgotten at my desk. Oh well. I wasn't planning on reading tonight anyway. I had to go grocery shopping and take a shower. As is I'm already eating a late dinner. Soon as my hair is dry I'm going to attempt to sleep.

This weekend I only have plans on Sunday, so I'll probably take Saturday to relax. I have plans Wednesday after work; I'm looking quite forward to those. It's been a while since I've seen my best friend, and although I'm going to be seeing her on Sunday, we agreed we needed another time prior to it.

There's really no organization to this entry, and it's starting to make my head hurt... so I'm gonna end it here before it becomes a jumbled mess.

Until next time. . .

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Disconnect
Wednesday. 8.10.16 5:45 pm
I didn't call on Monday. I called today instead. I avoided it for two more days; then I lost my shit on a friend over something so stupid, I'm almost questioning my own sanity, so I came home for lunch and made the call. 3 weeks. I can make it through 3 weeks, right? I mean, I've gone 4 years. I can make it through 3 weeks...

I need to give myself, and my friend, a reset period before any further communication happens. It'll be safer for both of us. I don't need to have a repeat of today. Or really a repeat of any of the unnecessary outbursts I've had recently. It's not fair for anyone. I've spiraled too far, and need have better control over my emotions. When one gets upset over something as stupid as Facebook, {when 99% of the time, I give zero fucks} one needs to step away and get her shit under control.

This weekend is wedding number two, the fancier wedding, and then I have the Night Nation 5K run that evening. I'll have to make sure I stay disconnected on Sunday so that I can reset before work. It's extra important right now for me to not overwhelm myself with social activities because I'm too on edge. I don't trust myself enough to be able to keep things under control if I push too much.

After talking about how I was glad that we're having a mild summer, the forecast for the remainder of the month seems pretty steady between the 70s and 80s. I guess that's fair. August and September are the final hurrah months for Mother Nature. It either cools off quickly, or it becomes the 'dog days of summer.' I guess as long as it still cools off at night, and doesn't get to 90, I'll still consider this a milder summer.

Due to the need to disconnect, I'm looking incredibly forward to the two weeks that I'll be able to get away. Even if I don't have the money to just go crazy on things, I will be away from work. I will be away from my home. I will have my own agenda. I'll be able to disconnect and relax. Hopefully I'll be able to come home recharged and refreshed, with a clear{er} mind.

Until then, I can make it through 3 weeks... right?

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New resolve
Sunday. 8.7.16 1:16 pm
I've been in a very weird headspace recently and though I'm sure I know at least one of the main causes, it's more complicated than just that. I've been talking about going back to therapy for a while now, but I've never actually gone through the motions of finding a new therapist. Due to the fact that this weird headspace has increased in the last week, I need to finally act on my words.

I'll be making the call tomorrow, probably during my lunch break, and I'll see if I can get paired with someone who was in the same group as the therapist I saw 4 years ago. The guy I had been seeing retired, and possibly went back in to private practice. I'm not sure if there's even a way to find out if he had; his name is too common to look up and get any kind of useful results {believe me, I've tried.} I'l be asking the person I end up talking to tomorrow, and then again to the therapist I get paired with, because I'm fairly certain the scheduler won't know anything. Which is fair; as a scheduler myself, I know very little about my providers' histories.

The strange dreams have started to increase again, as have the nightmares. Yet another reason to get back in to seeing someone. I'm far more stressed than I should be and it's making itself well known in my subconscious. I think part of the reason I've been this way is because my job may be getting to me. Well, not the job itself, but the fact that I have to put on a happy face and pretend like I actually enjoy helping the people standing in front of me. On the busy days, the happy face has to be kept on longer and longer, which pushes my patience. I liked the seclusion of the call center because I didn't have to pretend. I mean, I can make my voice sound happy when my face reflects something very differently. It's kind of a weird situation, though. I don't miss the job that was the call center, but I miss the seclusion. I actually quite like my current job, save for the lack of seclusion.

One thing I am incredibly thankful for is the fact that this summer is much cooler than at least the last two summers we've had here. It's only in the mid 60s today, overcast, with a cool breeze. It was like this yesterday as well. I haven't had to use my fans very much, and the nights when it is still pretty warm, there is enough of a breeze to make it at least bearable.

Maybe I should get back to going to the gym. I don't feel like it was making a difference, mentally, but maybe it was and I just didn't realize it?

Anywho, I'm getting distracted because the Blue Angels are back out to make their final run. Hopefully today's show is more exciting than yesterday's. It's still pretty overcast, but the clouds look to be a little higher, so maybe the people on the Lake will get more of a show. I'm staying inside today, just listening to the sound of the jets flying above. Once they're done, however, I'll be diving back in to my book.

Until next time. . .

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You get what you ask for
Wednesday. 8.3.16 8:25 pm
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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