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Rant ahead
Monday. 2.13.17 6:16 pm
I haven't a clue how long or short this is going to be. I guess it depends on how much I need to get out of my system.

The last two weeks were incredibly long at work. With the one coworker already out on maternity leave, and the other one out sick for almost the entire past two weeks (she worked Monday two weeks ago, and was finally well enough to come back last Friday), I had to do most of the work on my floor. Which meant I was doing about 2.5 people's worth of work, while the random people they had covering, combined, did the other .5. And not well either because I had to keep stopping what I was doing to help them with things that I shouldn't need to constantly help them with. Like, it shouldn't take you more than a day to remember which side which department was located on.

I ended up having to take a personal day just simply due to overwhelming exhaustion. If I hadn't taken the day off to finally get some rest, I would have made myself sick again and would have likely had to take more than just one day off.

I've started actively apartment hunting. I never heard back from the one place that I applied for, which is bullshit. I even called, twice, and left a message without ever hearing back. There's one place I'm currently in contact with, but unless they can work with me and lower the price of the rent, I won't be able to afford it. There's another place that's newer that is even closer to work than I am now, with a rent that's in my range so I think if this one place falls through, I will go ahead and contact them.

If that one doesn't work either, I will look outside of the area I want to stay in because there's a place near some friends that has a few units for rent, bigger apartment, almost the same cost. It's just ideally not in the are that I wanted to remain in.

This place I'm currently residing in has long overstayed its welcome and it's time for me to move on. I've had more problems than not recently and it's starting to really piss me off. They're mild inconveniences: the washer being broken. Again. The internet consistently cutting out because they're too fucking cheap to do it correctly (they have one modem for 36 people) and because of the contract they have with the internet company, I'm not allowed to go out and pay for my own internet here.

It's tiny (under 200sqft) and I would really like to have my own kitchen again. And maybe walls that aren't the thickness of cardboard. My damn car might be more soundproof than this place. It's been over 5 years of living here, and I'm done. I don't even give a shit if it's months before I can afford to furnish a new place. I just need to get out of here.

This was exactly what I needed back in 2011 when my ex and I broke up, but it's gradually been pissing me off more and more over the years. A few years ago, when I was ready to move on the first time, my absolute shit credit prevented me from moving. Fair. I spent two years paying off my debt, and have built up my credit back to at least fair. On the lower end of fair, but still above poor. So it's time to jump back in to the hunt.

Wish me luck people. Before I snap at the wrong person and get evicted for being unruly and aggressive.

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Subconsciously unsettled
Sunday. 1.29.17 10:10 pm
After dealing with the food poisoning on Monday, I was congested and sneezing like crazy until Thursday. By Friday it was as if nothing was ever wrong. I don't know what the hell is up with my system, but I'm glad it's finally settled.

My mind, however, not so much. I woke up early this morning from a dream that made me want to stay in bed for weeks. I wanted to cancel every plan I've made, quit my job, and hide from the world. In reality, I worked to get my mind to shut off the illogical urge to quit life, and forced myself to go back to sleep in hopes that it would at least get me level enough to continue putting on the charade that I go through whenever I'm around people. Very few have seen me break down. I like to keep it that way.

Normally my face just shows that I'm pissed. I have what's called resting bitch face. I aim for neutral, but I just look moody all the time. A few people don't believe me when I tell them I have chronic depression and anxiety; they look shocked, like I've just told them I invented some kind of new machine that reads minds. "No, that's not right. You're too happy for that."

A few people, who likely also experience some kind of mental illness, can see past it. They're the ones who ask me if I'm okay when they can see the sadness behind my eyes. They're the ones who know that I'm just trying to avoid talking about it when I say "sure, I'm fine, just tired." But they understand enough to just let it go. That I'll come around in time.

An even fewer amount of people have been there for me in ways that I feel burdened upon them, but am forever indebted to. They're the ones who see the full breakdown, and stay until they know that I can manage on my own. They stay even when I've calmed down. They stay even when I don't want them to stay, but at the same time never wanting them to leave.

And yet, here I sit, alone in front of my computer, typing away while the tears are silently streaming down my cheeks, because I don't want to be a bother to anyone.

Of course, by the time I see my therapist on Friday, my mind will have settled, I'll be sleeping better, and things will feel more right.

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System betrayal
Monday. 1.23.17 1:32 pm
When you get sick, it's usually because you caught it from someone else. Right now, there's still a bug going around that's causing people to get sick, which is probably why my nose was all stuffy on Saturday. It's better now, mostly, but today, today I have a different issue.

When you get food poisoning, it's even worse than when you get sick. You get sick, you feel kind of like crap for a few days, then it passes. Typically, at least. Food poisoning tends to come out of nowhere, and it makes you feel even more like crap. Your innards hurt and all you want to do is sleep until it's done and over with.

Food poisoning you cannot blame it on anyone except yourself, and it's simply for eating the wrong thing at the wrong time. Someone else could eat exactly the same thing as you, and not be affected. I'm mostly pissed because I had to come home early, and am using my PTO for this.

Now, it makes sense to come home. I spent more time in the bathroom this morning than actually at my desk. But I'm still annoyed. I feel mostly fine, until I don't. My stomach isn't exactly upset, but I'm staying cautious anyway; I'm eating rice and veggies, some apple sauce, and I got a bunch of bananas. The only thing I didn't obtain was bread, but that's mostly because I don't have a toaster and the bread would go bad before I was able to eat it all. In hindsight, I could have gotten a couple plain, or wheat, bagels and that would have sufficed.

The betrayal happened last night, a couple hours before I was about to lay down to sleep. It ended up keeping me up for several hours longer than I normally am even on the weekends, and it had me up earlier than normal for a workday this morning. My coworkers spent the first couple hours trying to convince me to go home. I managed until after lunches were finished, then left. And now I wait it out.

At least I'm close to the bathroom now, and it's in the comfort of my own place, rather than it being at work, not really anywhere close to a bathroom.

Fingers crossed this crap has run its course by day's end.

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Saturday. 1.21.17 12:35 pm
It's only been about a month since I started finally feeling like I was getting over the illness that plagued me the entire week before, and a few days in to, my trip to DC last month, and I woke up in the middle of the night last night with a sore throat. I've also had a couple sneezing fits throughout today. Not exactly how I saw my Saturday going.

I postponed my appointment that I had for today until the middle of the week. The Women's March is well under way; for some reason I didn't think about the fact that I live right in the epicenter of the route at which the march takes to get from point A to point B, and how this would affect traffic. I felt bad canceling last minute, but with the march happening, and the fact that I don't want to risk getting sick again, it's necessary to stay home today. Depending on how I feel tomorrow, and the weather, I may end up having to postpone those plans as well.

Hearing the waves of cheers wafting up from the street right outside my apartment kind of gives me chills. It's nice seeing all of the people who are coming together, not just here, but all over the country, and in parts of the world, to support each other and to stand together despite what has happened yesterday. It's things like this that make me proud to live in a country where we are allowed to stand together and voice our opinions for or against something.

Since I'm essentially going to be drinking tea and resting today, in hopes to allow my immune system the time it needs to not shit out on me again, I'll be taking advantage and reading more of the new book I've borrowed. It's called Station Eleven and it's definitely got my attention. It's about a post-apocalyptic world, where a flu wiped out most of the population. I do not see past the slight irony of reading this during a time in which this year's flu is stronger than it has been in recent years.

Anywho, it's very possible that the fact that I've been more stressed than normal this past week, and have gotten such poor sleep, again, probably has something to do with starting to feel like crap again. Or it could be the simple fact that I'm still recovering, and work in a medical facility, surrounded by sick people on a daily basis. Who knows. Either way, I just know that I can't get sick again. I hate missing work because of an illness.

Alright, I've been distracted for the last half hour. The waves of cheering are still going strong, two hours in to the march. I am curious as to how many people are involved. They may have estimates on the news tonight.

Not sure when I'll write again, but it shouldn't be too long. I can never stay away for long.

Until then. . .

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Thursday. 1.19.17 6:52 pm
It always seems like the short weeks is when things tend to go awry, thus making it feel like the week is much longer.

Today was such a long day, and I'm running on maybe 3.5 hours of very broken sleep so I'm just exhausted. I wanted to type something up, but I can't brain right now. I'll update on Saturday.

In the meantime, I'm going to crash for the night. I don't even care that it's barely 7. Here's to hoping I am actually tired enough to not be woken up by anyone using the kitchen. And hopefully the smoke detectors don't get set off, again.

Until next time. . .

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Friday. 1.13.17 9:41 pm
There's still 2 hours and 19 minutes left {PST} for Friday the 13th so of course I had to write out an entry. I actually almost forgot that I'd wanted to, but as I was driving home from dinner/drinks, I remembered that I still had time before it was officially over, PST.

The day was about as it was expected to be. It was also a full moon last night so people were a little more extra crazy than they just normally would be had it been just Friday the 13th. What made it even more interesting was the simple fact that we were so short staffed. I was basically working alone today {I actually feel like I would have been less stressed if I had actually been alone for the second half of the day} with my one coworker starting her maternity leave today, and the other taking a half day, and then having a float cover. I get that they want coverage when someone is out, but it is only so helpful when the person they have cover knows only the bare minimum of the job.

Because of the way today was going, and the fact that me and a couple friends hadn't gotten together in a while for drinks, we needed to meet up for drinks after work. We waited just a little bit, so that Red Robin could be more cleared, or clearing up, of the families that go out for dinner on Friday nights. We only had to wait maybe 3 minutes for a table in the bar area. I think this is actually the first night in a while where I've kept myself limited on the alcoholic intake. I even kept myself limited on food intake. Normally I take advantage of the bottomless fries, but I was just so stuffed after the burger and first helping of fries that I just couldn't. It was even a task just trying to get the second drink down. Now? Now I'm just completely stuffed and pretty much ready for bed.

Tomorrow is the end of week 2 of 8. Technically this should have been week one, but I started last week because I didn't think about actually counting to see how many more weeks until the race. But I'm not taking a week off just to stick with the exact calendar. Tomorrow is also the first day of the calendar where it starts to slowly increase the overall length of time. I have to admit, though I never want to go, it's actually nice getting back in to the gym. Even if it's only for shorter periods of time. When I was actually working toward losing the weight, I'd never go longer than 30 minutes, so it's going to be interesting when the time on the calendar goes beyond that. Tomorrow starts the extended time beyond 20 minutes, but then it stays steady at 24 minutes, except on Saturdays. Saturday is the day to extend the time, which actually works out really nicely since Saturday the gym at work is empty and so I won't feel as bad hogging one of the two treadmills that they have.

I really wanted to get a tattoo today, but alas, it wasn't in the cards. I won't be missing the next one, however. As soon as I have a spare $100, I'll be reserving an appointment with my artist. I may actually get two small ones for that appointment, instead of just the one, since I'll be reserving the time. I might as well. There's another small one that I've been wanting to get for some time now. We'll see what happens with that.

Anywho, I'm drained from the day and the alcohol and food intake and bitch session, it's definitely finishing me in.

Until next time. . .

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