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it's getting harder to resist the temptation
Wednesday. 7.8.09 12:41 pm
It's half-way through my work week and I'm half-way through my goal that I set for this week. I already said that I don't include my mom or sister in this so I sent one text message today. But I won't be sending any more unless someone texts me first.

It's starting to get harder to resist. I want to talk to people. But apparently they don't want to talk to me. Otherwise I'd already have received something.

I find that if I don't get very involved in something, it's easier to move on from it. I'm almost completely over my formerly newfound distraction: breaking through the armor-covered nutshell my boss currently lives in. I say almost because there are still times when I think about it and get a very small amount of jealousy when I see him talking and joking with other people when I want it to be me. But it's still almost because I can very easily shrug it off.

I need to go to the store, but I don't really feel like going by myself. If my sister doesn't answer me about tomorrow, though, I'll have to go alone. I'm out of milk, juice and water. I've also been craving chocolate for a good while now; at least two weeks. I've had a small amount in the last two weeks, but nothing that lasts more than a day or so.

I really shouldn't take a nap again today, but I'm tired. I want to just lay down for a couple hours. The problem with that is that later in the evening when I need to get the sleep, I can't. It sucks.

It's going to be harder to resist the temptation tomorrow and by Friday it will probably be killing me. But Saturday I'm allowing myself to give back in and start my 95% of the conversations I have.

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deleting comments doesn't change what's already been said ...
Tuesday. 7.7.09 12:20 pm
... but it helps to keep people from being reminded what was said.

I do believe I have screwed myself over, yet again. I've pushed the limits too far and now there's no going back.

I don't think I've completely submerged myself in the shark infested waters, but I'm certainly treading water right in the center of the crowd.

I had to delete the only surviving link to my NuTang just to be on the safe side for now. I'm pretty sure I'll put it back up there in a month or so. Perhaps when things hopefully simmer down.

I'm beginning to think that it would simply be safer for me to just not speak to anyone. At all. Ever.

My big mouth seems to be what keeps getting me in trouble. Is there a procedure where they can remove your vocal cords?

Today is day two in the task I've given myself and I'm actually not feeling any kind of pressure. It's probably helping that I'm feeling down. I don't want to drag anyone else under with me.

For now, as long as I don't have any kind of URL linking people to my NuTang, I'm safe here. The only safe place it seems I have that's outside of my little apartment.

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my temporary resignation
Monday. 7.6.09 5:36 pm
I'm feeling very resigned right now. I suppose giving up would be a good way to word it too.

I'm sick of trying for things and getting nowhere.

I'm also feeling pretty shitty right now because I'm coming to realize that 95% of the text message conversations I have, I initiate them. I think my plan right now is to not text anyone and to see how long it takes for someone to text me. {I'm excluding my mom and sister from this}

I have a feeling I'm in for more disappointment. Especially when it comes to me realizing I have absolutely no life.

I've pretty much decided on where I want to move to next summer. I'm going to talk to someone about possibly getting a place to stay when I first get up there. But I won't bring it up until later in the year. I'm still going to be trapped in Las Vegas until July of next year, when my lease is up.

The question now is: Is it really, truly giving up and moving on when you still have hopes?

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day 185
Saturday. 7.4.09 2:32 pm
Today is the 185th day of the year 2009. What significance does it hold? The USA has been independent for 233 years now. Why is that special? Well, I don't really know. Nor do I feel like researching it to explain.

Anywho, today is my mom's and her husband's one year wedding anniversary and I decided to take them out for lunch. We went to the Santa Fe Station Casino Buffet for brunch. It wasn't cheap, but the food was good. I also wasn't hungry, but I think I took enough advantage of the variety. This is the first time in a while, though, that I haven't gotten a desert at the buffet. I just wasn't feeling it today. Besides, I still have Half Baked in my freezer.

Today also would have been my grandparents' 68th wedding anniversary, but sadly they both have already passed. Could you imagine? 68 years is a long time.

I don't have any plans for the rest of the day. I was hoping to spend it with Brian, but I have serious doubts. He has to actually answer my texts before we can plan time together. I still don't get why he would say yes to hanging out with me and then avoid doing so. If he didn't want to, I would have been perfectly okay with him saying no. I was fully expecting it. But when he said yes, that made me happy. And I'm not sure if he realizes it, but until it finally happens, I'm not going to stop bugging him about it. The more he avoids it, the more I'll pursue.

I suppose I could drive up to the complete other side of town tonight to watch the fireworks go off all over the city {there's this place just off the highway where you can see most of the city} but I'm not sure if I want to do that. I'll probably just end up staying home, getting drunk and watching the fireworks on TV.

Right now, though, after all that buffet food, I think it's nap time.

Hope everyone in the states has a good 4th of July.

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stuck in limbo
Tuesday. 6.30.09 5:34 pm
I'm at the point right now where I'm tired and I'm sure I could fall asleep if I layed down, but I'm not actually sleepy enough to purposly lay down.

I've been talking to about 4 different people through text and they've all suddenly stopped. Like, all at once. It's a little frustrating. I'm waiting on answers from two people and I'm half expecting responses from the other two. But I'm stuck. I don't want to text them again until I get responses, but if I don't get anything in the next half hour, I'm considering doing so.

I've been listening to the new single, New Divide by Linkin Park, over and over again. I'm pretty sure I'll reach a point where I don't want to listen to the song again, but right now I can't get enough of it. I heard it once, on the radio, and I was hooked. This was before I saw the movie {which, by the way, was spectacular.}

Today is the anniversary of my Dad's death. It's been 14 years. I was hoping to hang out with some people today, but everyone is busy. I keep forgetting it's the middle of the week and everyone that isn't me actually has shit to do in the afternoon. As long as I don't completely focus on what happened, I won't break down. A very small part of me wants to, though. RIP Dad. I love you.

It's getting hot outside now. We've hit triple digits and it's looking to stay that way for a couple months, at least. It's sad when you walk out of your house at 2:30 in the morning and start sweating before you reach your car. Either way. As long as the AC in my apartment and my car work, then I'm okay. I'll still complain, but not as much.

Yeah, I think that's it for today.

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new plates
Monday. 6.29.09 1:51 pm
Well, I have new tags on my car and it is registered through next July. Even though it didn't take very long at the DMV, it was still a pain in the ass having to go up there. I think I was done within an hour.

Hopefully I won't have to go up there again until next year when I have to register my car again.

I don't actually have a whole lot to update on. Perhaps I'll add more later if something comes to mind.

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