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let's try this again
Sunday. 2.14.10 12:54 am
Sitting at work hoping the time passes quickly is useless. Time never passes quickly when you aren't doing anything. Even when you're sleeping time doesn't pass quickly.

I was given some advice and I'm going to try to take it. I don't know how well it'll work out, but I can try. I was basically told to play "hard to get." Doing so will be beneficial in me finding out, to some extent, just how much I'm wanted. I want to believe now that he's trying to prove that he cares, but my friend has a point. If I give in every time, then he doesn't have to try very hard. I don't remember the last time I said, "no, not today/tonight" or "maybe next time; I'm busy today." I'm afraid of the outcome should I start saying no. But I guess if it is the outcome I don't want, then there really was no point in me trying so hard to hold on.

I almost told someone my secret. I think I might actually tell my sister. It's not really any of her business, but she's pretty much the only one I can trust. And the fact that she sees that something is going on, I'm pretty sure she already has an idea. I just don't know how she'd react if it were openly confirmed. I'll see how this week goes. I don't know if she'll be home at all this week, but she knows that it'll happen. It's been happening for the last few weeks. Oh well.

I hate work right now. And I don't even care if the camera sees that I'm typing this out. I'm so ready to quit. I've already put in my transfer paperwork, but I don't know how soon something will become available. I need something that pays more. If I were getting paid what I'm making right now for overtime as my regular pay, I'd definitely stay and deal with the fucked up drama. Unfortunately the economy doesn't work that way. And at my pay right now, the drama just isn't worth it. Everything is fine until 6:30am when my boss shows up. It's not just me who feels that way. Both of my coworkers feel the same.

I have just under 6 hours left just sitting here doing my time. On weekends I'd prefer to work swing shift, but this is the only thing available. I'll probably be working Saturday nights until they find someone to replace the position. I need the extra money to help catch me up. And it's really not like I do anything on Saturday nights anyway. Hell, I hardly do anything on Friday nights either, but I'd like to keep it open just in case the rare plan is made. Or spontaneity occurs.

Anywho, I suppose it's time to find something else to watch on Hulu. Watching movies or a bunch of 45 minute shows will kill the rest of my time here. That's not what I had written before when my internet decided to crap out, but it got across some points I wanted to talk about. Till next time NuTang. . .

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gah! stupid internet!
Saturday. 2.13.10 5:04 pm
I just had a fairly lengthy blog typed out and my internet decides it wants to stop working right when I hit the publish button. Because it stopped working, I couldn't even hit the backspace button to copy and paste everything I had written out!

Fuck you internet!

~~ on a side note, I'll be working OT tonight so I'll probably try and retype it up then.

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catch up, fall back, repeat
Wednesday. 2.10.10 7:40 pm
Every time I say that I'm going to come back to a steady activeness on NuTang it doesn't seem to be happening. At least not as of recently.

Have you ever had a secret that you couldn't tell anyone? Not even one person? Yeah, I've got one of those. Part of me likes that I have a secret that no one knows, but another part of me wants to say something to someone about it. I know I can't though. The consequences are far worse if someone were to know rather than me just not being able to open my mouth.

Oh well.

I'm not going to say that I'll try to be more active. The last few times I've said that it didn't really happen.

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no bueno
Sunday. 2.7.10 1:08 pm
Today is dragging. I keep looking at the clock, expecting there to be a significant change from the last time I had looked at it ... 5 minutes prior.

I won't be watching the Super Bowl this year. I don't care enough. Last year, I had the house to myself {same situation this year} but I was happy with the situation I was in. I was living with my {now ex} boyfriend and I was looking forward to seeing him when he got home from work. I had the game on in the living room and while the game was playing, I'd go in the kitchen and clean. When I heard the commercials come on, I'd stop, go watch them and then go back to the kitchen when the game came back on.

Towards the end of the game, I brought food up to him and his coworker at his work and watched with him as the Steelers beat the Cardinals. A small part of the reason I watched the game was to see if the Steelers would win or if the Cardinals would pull an upset. I wanted to laugh at my boss if his favorite team {the Steelers} had lost.

Neither team is a big deal this year to anyone that I talk to so I just don't care to watch who beats who. I don't feel like hanging out in my sister's room just to watch the game either {that's where the only TV in the house is right now} so I'll just hang out in my room.

I do not like the current relationship situation that I'm in right now. I don't like being ignored. By anyone, but especially by someone who I care very much about and who I thought cared the same way.

Fuck. I'll be watching the commercials on Hulu as they premier, but otherwise I'll just be doing nothing different than I normally do on Sundays ... which is absolutely nothing.

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12 hour nap
Saturday. 2.6.10 3:48 am
I layed down earlier around 2:30pm for a short nap. I didn't get up until just before 2:30am.

Now, I wasn't asleep the whole 12 hours, but each time I came into consciousness, I wasn't there for very long. Long enough to glance at the time, read any text messages I happened to receive and doze back off. Each time I came to, though, I just didn't feel like getting up. So I didn't.

I kind of feel like I wasted my entire day away. I didn't have plans to do anything anyway {the one plan I did have was canceled on me ...} but I still feel like I missed out on the possibility of a potential event happening. Oh well. Nothing I can do about it now.

I doubt I'll be doing that again any time soon. And what's sad is that I don't feel any more rest than I normally do after sleeping for only 4 or 5 hours. Whatever.

I've been rather inactive recently. Sorry guys. I promise that once this down period passes, I'll be back. But like I said in my last one, I have no idea when it'll pass.

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Sunday. 1.31.10 11:44 am
I was going to complain about how I feel, but I'm lacking so much in motivation that I don't even feel up to doing that.

When will this depression pass?

And don't say "when you let it" because that'll just piss me off.

I need to find a new addiction. Something productive. I need to do a lot of things. I need to actually start working on doing those things that I need to do.

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