awwww! Went to Applebee's to say goodbye to caitlin.. *tear* with dave, tom, li, eva, michelle, diana, christen, amanda, caitlin, kaitlin... 11 of us fit into a 6 person booth.. the waiter was great, and they took pictures for us! Food was good as always. Many many laughs, such an enjoyable evening, we totally disturbed the peace of the restaurant haha! For once I felt like part of a family... a big family... a family of friends that even if we don't stay in touch I will feel blessed to have had this one night with them. It is sad to say goodbye and I have had to do it too many times.. I have never cried except once when I had to say goodbye to Jon, my "brother" best friend and first guy I can say I loved. Wow, such amazing people... I am so happy moved to PA. With all the bad, came soooooooo soooooo much good. night all.

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For the first time in my life, I felt like a bitch... or at least felt like others thought I was a bitch... I think it was Baker said, "hey, do u wanna marry joey?... last chance I'm offering it to ya..." then Joey said, "no i'll wait a while for a response..." Now I know he was kidding, so I kind of just walked away laughing and then someone said, "get back up here bitch..." so who knows if they were talking to me or not... aww joey, what a funny thought. Anyways... practice was cold, but I ran a mile with Amy bc she is trying to get in shape for indoor track, so we are going to run at 3 after school when I can. School was school... forged my dad's signature... still waiting to see if I get caught, damn I hope not. Went to lunch with kiwanis... aww i love dean, kent and that old guy with the hearing aid. Going to Applebee's... mmm. for cailtin's goodbye.

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I just realized how fast I have found some truely wonderful people... I was thinking after a lil uncomfortable moment today when Missy said, "hey tim, you and meg should start dating, you two seem to ya know, have something" he replied exactly how I knew he would, "we're just friends..." she then said, "yeah but u seem to get along really well." he then said, "yeah, well, we've been friends for a really long time..." the funny thing is, we haven't eben friends for a long time... actually, we have only been friends for 9 months! I can't believe how short of a time that is, and yet how strong and deep our relationship is! Gosh is we know this much about each other and trust each other this much just being friends for 9 months... how would it have been if we had been dating? and also, wow... those 9 months seemed like forever, so much happened, i can't imagine what 9 months of dating would be like.... whew. So yeah, it is amazing how fast friendships can grow... i geuss the internet has helped a lot with that... instant messaging and whatnot. But, it amazes me how much i have been thru with my friends and it all happened in such a short time... wow. i am just in shock. I can honestly say that i love some of these new found friends... like a brother, or sister, friend, companion, life long listener, complainer whatever... doesn't matter bc love is non biased. I could not imagine my lfie without some of these people, some of them I can... but take tim for instance, it is not bc i used to think that we should go out, (besides that was just bc i was afraid of losing our friendship so i thought that that was a way to ensure it)... it is bc of the time we have shared, the way we understand each other, the way we can talk and not finish sentences bc we know what the end of it would be, the way that we trust each other... that is something special that i cannot imagine living without, knowing what joy i have received from it already,...in only 9 months! wow... sooo much.... i will surely miss some ppl when i go off to college, but i will hope that they will find it necessary to stay in touch... i really hope so.

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" We learn from our experiences..." yes this is true, and I guess those "stubborn" folks are the ones who keep making the same "mistakes" however, i can't help but wonder, at what point should we try again... or should we live life always disregaurding something just because of past experiences? I guess it is up to our own judgement when we take that risk, and do something that in the past has not turned out so well...

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What an awesome entry from someone else

The "First"

After being the first girlfriend of two guys, I feel compelled to put forth this friendly advice: Girls, try not to be a guy's first girlfriend, or even one of the earlier ones (depending on the guy's progress of maturity). As much as I had the times of my life and learned some of the most valuable lessons from these two great guys, it just really bites to be that first girlfriend who teaches the boy everything from how to treat a girl to offering Women's Studies 101: Venusian I.

Of course, I had to learn some hard lessons about men as well. I learned that, sometimes, when guys have commitment problems, it's 'really them, not me'. Your relationship can be going great, you might still be having great chemistry but when that Odysseus Complex kicks in, simply send him off and wish him well.

The Odysseus Complex--Men in general have the need to have lots of experience before commiting. They strongly believe they'll only be ready to commit after they sail the globe, sleep with seductive island women, enjoy great excesses and suffer the consequences, and have it all recorded by a blind Greek guy. Otherwise, they think they're missing out on something or someone else just around the next relationship bend.

The funny thing is, women are commitment-phobic as well (like moi and many of my girlfriends, see pictures on left ) but we just don't panic. The other day, Anita and I were talking about how presumptuous commitment-phobic guys can be when they suddenly get this panic attack. Gasping for air, they start to envision this warped sense of reality where us girls are frantically ordering bridal gowns and planning baby showers. Symptom? When you suddenly hear something like this:

Odysseus: "I was thinking the other day, you may be 'the one' but I'll never know without seeing what's out there".

What's exactly going through our heads upon hearing abrupt shit like that? Stage I: HUH?!?!?!?!?! Stage II: Omg, you think I'm ready to marry you? Don't flatter yourself, jackass. Didn't you see those roses that (insert male suitor name) got me the other day? Yada yada yada the female pride defense monologue. Unfortunately, Stages I and II hit us with such great bewilderment that we don't end up saying what we feel in time: "What are you talking about?!?!? Honey, I may be your 'one' and our relationship may be going great but as of now, to ME, you are still just another one" (courtesy of Anita)

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Men are like tight pickle jars. Don't be that first idiot who wrestles that air tight lid to the ground. When it won't budge, it won't budge. At this age (early 20s), simply withdraw yourself from 'the market' and watch other girls pass pickle jars around (enjoy the drama). Meanwhile, focus on your goals and watch yourself grow into that confident, sexy, and capable woman. When the moment is right, step in and be the one who grabs a pickle jar and, with a perfect grip, opens it with a light twist. And if the pickles inside don't look right, toss it and move on. Plenty of other jars have been preserved just for you.

There's no need to be so needlessly loyal, Penelope. You also have a great journey ahead.

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Sometimes I think that I am a lot stronger, wiser, than the majority of ppl... the thing is, I am not. I am just more expressive in my observances that some ppl call advise or knowledge... i observe, relate and re direct. That is all. I also realized that everything I have gone thru had been for a reason.. call it optimism u may, whatever it is, has helped me thru so much. It is not that a God has determined what will happen for my life, but that we can't go around tryinmg to change those things that we can't, that we have no control over... I see so many ppl trying to change something, and once u looka t the cause of what they are trying to change, u realize that they are trying to change something that is out of one's control. We can conrtol, our actions, reactions and ways of apporaching something, that is all. We cannot change others, or control others... we live by example yes, or guide someone in need, but without them asking, we can do nothing. It gets frusterating at times when u see someone struggling so much... yet they are not able to or want to ask for help... u cannot force it upon them. We can take care of ourselves and only ourselves, once we reach a certain age. We are resposible for our actions only. I don't even know why I am blabbing about this, it just sort of came to mind... but now I am on a totally different topic than the one which i started on. That is a lot like life actually. We all headout onto a path, thinking of what the outcome will be or should be, and when we get there, thru the turns and potholes... we find ourselves on a diff road or at a diff location. I found my own life throwing me what seemed at the time, injustices, suferings I shouldn't have to bear, but I have come to realize that those times, struggles, were all learning experiences, and that who i am now is bc of what I have gone thru, or what I have seen others go thru. When ppl come to me for advise on dating... i can only speak about someone's motives, characteristics, morals... about the ppl... not the dating, bc I ahve not experienced much with that...but in the end, their questions really have little to do with dating.. it is about the person... bc dating is not what is complicated, it is the people... People are very complicated. Motives, behavior, inferences, judgements, all lead to miscommications. I am BIG on the whole, "telling the truth, be honest, no lies" and the, "tell and wish u didn't.... don't not tell and wish u had" Life is full of unexpectancies, even tho all of them happen for a reason, they still suprise us. WE cannot be sure of when someone will leave our lives, or when something will happen and there is no turning back... so take a moment to think of all you wish u said, or all u are thinking of saying/doing... and go do it. don't waste more time questioning, wondering, doubting... bc life is too short to do that. WE regret the most what we failed to do, not what we accomplished to do. At funerals, the heaviest regrets are those of unsaid words and undone deeds.

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