Walking thru the hallways I catch myself looking at my reflection at all the same places, glimpsing to see the flaws, to try and see who I really am. I can't help but wonder, how does the world see me? I don't feel short, yet I know I am. So then how do I know of what I feel about everything else is true? A mirror is deceiving bc ur mind can play tricks on what you see. So how can we judge the changes? By numbers, pictures or words? The same holds true for our mind. Do we depend on the view of others to tell us? It is understandable why we can't see our own mistakes but can see those of others. It takes great experience and maturity to be able to step away and look at yourself. I wonder if we ever really know how the world sees us. When I watch myself on video I have habits that I find annoying, quirks and mannerisms that would drive me insane if I were interacting with me. I just don't like the way I come across. I guess it's like, listening to your voice on a recorder, most everyone hates it. So how do we know who we are if we can't see ourselves the way everyone else sees us?

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Everwood was really good last night. I delt with the decision to have sex or not... I now look at that with new eyes. It's no longer, "oh I wonder when I'll have that discussion." Anyway I am skeptical about my mom's "sex history" bc she kept making comments thur out the show. Before I figured, eh she got married at 19.. ok so when I am 19 she can't yell at me for screwing up or having sex... buuut now I have a hunch it was a lot earlier... haha.

Sooooo incredibley nice outside today. I wanted to go fo a run, but I came home and took a nap and now I am all sleepy. I guesss I am not going to lacrosse practice bc I have no ride. Li isn't anywhere to be found so I guesss we're not going running. I really need to go by myself then. So much work to do this week tooo. I shoudl get on that. I really don't care anymore about schoool. I want to get good grades but I don't want to put in the effort to do anything. gahhhh. As of right now I have aproximately a 80-70 grade in all my classes, which in my boook is pretty darn dissapointing. Oh well, life goes on with and without trying. With and without someone that has been part of your life for years.. with and without security, with and without worries or cares. Evenwhen we are frowning or crying, life goes on and for that only reason should we stil be smiling.

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I'm bored so I am making an "I want" list. - tin roof ice cream -pumpkin spice coffee - a surprise bday party - a fresh pineapple - a box of chocolates - some pretty freh flowers - a hug - sorrentos' pizza - a bubble bath - my own apartment - a car and license - to not have to go to high school - to lose weight - to just spend every minute ofevery day with my friends - to have the stregnth to tell everyone how I feel - motivation - discipline - to be able to cry - a mind that does not analyze so much - an intuition that i can block out when it is too much - to be not so self centered right now - to go back to caring about others more - to go bowling - to be able to ice skate - to go for a nice long walk - see my old friends from b'town -----to be continued

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Mrs Knutsen did a really nice thing today. She is having all of her students write a thank you letter to someone. Just to say thank you for the things they have done for you in your life and how much they mean to you. I love doing that and I think I have done it at least twice for allll of you (either in shout outs, props or letter form) and it is gratifying to know that you at least told THEM how you feel even if u never know how they feel about you. So this time I am writing a thank you to my parents. I know that before I leave for college I will write a longer one but they still need to know NOW how much they mean to me. You never know when might be the last time. (btw my dad is going into the hospital tomorrow for some proceedure, hopefully he'll be home by night time) For some it may sound sappy, but Iam a BIG believer in taking the time to tell each other how we feel. I was not sad when Mrs Curry died, bc a few days before, I had written and given her a thank you letter. No regrets.


Sunday, February 08, 2004

The one downfall of having awesome weekends that seem to last forever... and go on and on... is that u lose track of what u did each night, they sort of all blend together, that is why we have xanga and the like. haha

"It's pure ridiculousness... Fuck it we're seniors!" -my new phrase of life. We all have taken this year for me, my time... even if we didn't spend it alone.

*** One day.... one day I'll know the answer to the question why. One day I'll be able to look at myself and like everything I see. One day I'll be able to give all of myself. One day I won't want anything more. One day I'll be sharing my life with someone. One day I'll have no regrets. One day I'll be satisfied enough to die.

At the service they were talking about how we should tell those we love, that we love them. Yet what IS love? There are all kinds. I am not stingy with my love, yet I will not freely give it away to anyone either. When I say I love you to some ppl it is... yes I care about you and would hope you to always be happy. (friendship love) There is also the love where I would give my life for that person to be happy and if they were to die my life would fall apart for at least a long time.... that is the love that I wish I could tell someone right now... that I love you. But I don't think they would understand why or what I meant.

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Craziness...

so yest went with Jess to Mrs. Curry's memorial service (met up with tim, court, david, li, mike) which I thought was very well done. When I die, that is how I want my sevice to be like. Very optimistic and inpirational.

After that drove to Court's house. Picked up Tom and her, me, Tom and Tim went to Colonial park mall to "look for prom dresses" which turned into wandering around and trying to get the guys to do "silly things" (pict) and ate "linner" Craziness driving there and back. But u done good court, u done good.

Took an hour at Court's to figure out if we were all gonna play bball. (Back and forth b/w 4 diff ppl online, Tim drives to Dave's... no need, drives back to Court's. hmmm? damn drama) 7pm Granada... it was decided. Get there and there is a gymnastics meet. Tom does donuts in the parking lot, Tim, David and I watch some of the meet (talk to Chuck) and after 30 more wasted min when Mike and Tom Z got there, we decide check out the plaza (closes in 40 min), then the athletic club (don't want to pay 6 bucks again)... so decided to go to Harbour. Drive to Giant with Tim to get his dinner, then try to find parking at Harbour... there is none. Pick up dave and bring him to his car.

Screw it, back to Tim's house. (so muuuch driving! sorry court) Chilled there with David, Dave, Mike, Tim, and Cary. "Bring on the alcohol and peroxide" "Is it burning yet?" "no, no, no........yesssssss" Meghan (almost, give me 2 more turns) and David lose valently in LOTR Risk. Pizza. NCAA football. run Zippy! "nice play david " good times good times. thanks guys!

*breath* finally home. This weekend I have spent only 24 hours home, and 19 of those hours I was sleeping. DM meeting today at 2pm.

Saturday, February 07, 2004

Hung at Tim's house yest from 12:45ish- 10:45ish. Cards (UNO, kents, bullshit, go fish), ping pong, stand up comedy (3 times), American Pie 2, Risk (game to be continued), mm tuna, pizza and dip. 2:30 Went out to lunch at Isaacs with Court, Tom, David, Tim and Dave. (so what have u heard about this place?) I love Chris (the cat). good times good times. thanks bud

We don't always realize what someone did for us or why until much later... sometimes it is days, weeks or even years. So give ur thanks and gratitude the moment u realize.

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A Cold and frosty morning there's not a lot to say
About the things caught in my mind
As the day was dawning my plane flew away
With all the things caught in my mind
And I wanna be there when you're...
Coming down
And I wanna be there when you hit the ground
So don't go away, say what you say
But say that you'll stay
Forever and a day...in the time of my life

Cos I need more time, yes I need more time
Just to make things right
Damn my situation and the games I have to play
With all the things caught in my mind
Damn my education I can't find the words to say
About all the things caught in my mind
Me and you what's going on?
All we seem to know is how to show
The feelings that are wrong

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