Find a guy who calls u beautiful instead of hot, who calls u back when u hang up on him, wait for the boy who kisses ur forehead, who wants to show u off to the the world when u are in sweats, who holds ur hand in front of his friends, who thinks ur just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding u of how much he cares, and loves being with u, and how hes the luckiest guy in the world to have u... The one who turns to his friends and says, "Thats her" --- (courtesy of courtney)

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Whatcha doing? Are u thinking like I'm thinking? Where do you want to be going? Will I see you soon? When can I wrap around you again? Did you know I miss you?

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Whew... what a day yesturday good ol Easter was. Woke up around 11, had brunch with my brother and parents. My bro kinda ticked me off by a couple things he said about someone and I was already in a bad mood from stuff the night before. I appreciate everything everyone says, but it just hurt to have to relive that again, to have to think about, re tell it, re justify my decisions and then of course at 2am wonder wtf I really am doing. But anyway, so my brother didn't help, but he is looking really good lately, I just really hope he keeps it up.

After brunch I went for a walk to blow some steam and think. Meandered around Southpoint and Deer Run purposely avoiding my grandparent's house. Came back, went to CVS the only store open on Easter, and visited Court for a good bye.I won't bring anyone down by retelling my "bad feeling" I had yesturday but it got so bad I ended up bawling on my mom's shoulder the minute I got home while I tried to pack. Just saying goodbye to everyone was so hard cuz for some reason I was afraid I wasn't gonna see them again, plus some other signs that made me worried. After I finished crying and packing, it was time to leave for the train.

The train was supposed to be there in Harrisburgh at 5:10... I get there at 4:30 in plenty of time. Hear it is behind 30 minutes, then when 5:40 rolls around they say it'll be till 6:15 till it gets there now. I heard that the train forgot some pasangers in NYC so it had to go back. After a cramped ride behind a gay guy talking on his phone about shoe brands, texting Amanda and Katie the whole time, and a Corey dude who only sat with me for half the trip (thank goodness too, cuz it was sooo uncomfortable not having both seats)

I arrive in Pitt around 11:30pm and Katie and her mom were waiting for me. Drive back, eat cheesecake, and hop into bed. Then we stay up till 2:30am talking about EVERYTHING. And by everything I mean guys, haha. It was very nice and I felt much better afterward. Then we fell asleep till 7am (yes that would be 4 1/2 hours of sleep) got up, ate breakfast, showered, packed, and came back to school for class at 11.

Today is going to be a lazy day.. no work, no homework... just listening to some new awesome tunes from my friends.

I'm sorry... for disappointing people.

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As we get older, birthday become less and less likeable... for different reasons. Throughout my entire childhood my birthday was ALWAYS a disappointment for some reason; the weather was bad, I got something (IF I got a gift) I couldn't use or didn't like, it wasn't spent with anyone but my parents, I never got a birthday party, and until this year, my cake never had candles, let alone the corresponding number to my age. The only memorable thing I DID like about my birthdays was a tradition that my parents stopped doing once hey thought " I was too old" which was to put my birthday card under my pillow while I slept so I would wake up to it each morning. After age 6 tho, that one glimmer of birthday wonder ended. I also realized that over the years, the more people u tell about ur birthday being a specific day, the more ppl forget equaling a heightened disappointment. Then there is the whole gift aspect, and as we get older they tend to get more and more lame, less and less exciting. Ever since I outgrew Barbies every gift has suddenly become a time to buy things we NEED, not WANT. The household budget is always "extra tight" because we had another "unexpected HUGE bill to pay for a car, the house or because of my brother". Then what ALWAYS just so happens is that my "so called birthday gift" that my parents were "planning" on giving me is postponed to something put off in the future that never actually happens, like going out to lunch and shopping. Sounds nice, they talked about it so it must be valid even tho it never happened. Kinda like taking the phrase "it's the thought that counts" to an absurdly upsetting level. Can't tell u how many I Owe Yous of the sorts that have always been "promised" but never fulfilled, so in the end, I shouldn't have even asked for anything. It'd save a lot of questioning and upsets. It also has a habit of raining on my birthday, that tradition held up pretty long at one point when I was around age 10. Then as people get older into their twenties and hence forth they start complaining that they are "old" and start to dread their next birthday. So what once used to be one of THE most exciting days of the whole darn year turns into a disheartening day that most people just decided to not tell people about. I think I'm gonna become one of those people soon haha. And on that note, I'm gonna go stop looking "like shit, u must be tired".

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I am really going to miss Amanda next year. One thing I was worried about was that I wouldn't have someone to have those deep conversations with, but I think I can deal, and if I need a really good one I can always call her! Katie and I have been talking a lot recently and so we'll have diff things to talk about but still deep none the less. I'll always need those philosphical, vegan opinionated comments tho once in a while. Not to mention her music... she's making a cd right now that she said I would like. It looks nice outside but is still kinda cold. I have a chem test in an hour. I didn't study nearly as much as I should've... damn. I kinda feel like crap today so I wil be glad to come back to the room. I don't think I am gonna go to work or anything today either. As usual I shall gain my 5 lbs before i leave here again cuz of those many meals we are making up. I have decided that AA batteries are one of those things that we can never have enough of and when u don't have them they create great inconvenience. Kate just sent me an article about a recent school shooting... I'll talk more about that later. 23 more hours and I am outta here!

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For you- John Denver
Just to look in your eyes again
Just to lay in your arms
Just to be the first one always there for you
Just to live in your laughter
Just to sing in your heart
Just to be everyone of your dreams come true

Just to sit by your window
Just to touch in the night
Just to offer a prayer each day for you
Just to long for your kisses
Just to dream of your sighs
Just to know that Id give my life for you

For you for the rest of my life
For you all the best of my life
For you alone, only for you

Just to wake up each morning
Just to you by my side
Just to know that you're never really far away
Just a reason for living
Just to say I adore
Just to know that youre here in my heart to stay

For you for the rest of my life
For you all the best of my life
For you alone, only for you

Just the words of a love song
Just the beat of my heart
Just the pledge of my life, my love, for you

... I love you

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