I need some alone time.. so maybe the fact that I am either not talking to my friends right now or they are out of town... is a good thing, well it is never a good thing to not be talking to those u care about, but I can't do anything about it anymore, I need to stop worrying so much and trying to fix things. I need to care less and let ppl handle and figure their own arguments in their heads out. I don't need to be perfect for everyone. I don't need to please anyone but myself. I don't need to save everyone all the time. I need to get away. I never thought I would hate high school so much. I can't express how much this is killing me, all the shit I have had to deal with is so overwhelming and I can';t even look back and see distinct lines anymore. All that I can tell is that I lost something very important. I lost the ability to trust. Not completely but almost. I keep getting stabbed in the back and I just don't want to deal with it anymore. Now I understand why those isolate themselves and can't trust anyone. I am turning into one of those ppl. I need to talk to my mom, let it all out. She really wants to help and she knows that something is troubling me. She offered that I go see someone and talk to them about it today.... I must be really bad. I wanted to talk to her about it when she asked but I just don't know what to say. It used to be that I had no reason to be "not myself" but now that I do have a reason, I am more myself than I was without a reason.... does that make sense? Maybe I go looking for it, asking for it... subconciously... dang that is sick. So far I have found a few souls who really have been extraordianry, Tom, Court, David W (except in regaurds to one person) and Keith. and those are the ppl who keep me going. NO one listens anymore. Even my rents. Everyone talks, but no one listens, except to what they want to hear. I used to give advise, and this year I have had so many issues I just keep waving around and my own advise comes back at me. I feel horrible for that. keep bothering everyone. I never thought I could hate school so much, or hate people so much... not hate, bc hate is a strong word, but very strongly dislike. I need to get away, I wish I could drive... cuz I would be driving to MA yesturday.

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sat up last night writing and writing till 12am... just frantic thoughts, questions, doubts, answers yet it didn't make any of this better. After being listened to by some ppl, I got two perspectives... I feel like one is right, and yet one should be right. So which do I believe? That is up to me and no one else. Why is it so gosh darn important for you to constantly ruin my life? I don't think that I had fallen that low that I needed someone else to tell my friends what is going on in my life like an "fyi on meghan" I plan my talks very carefully, waiting for the right time and reason to bring it all out... this was in no shape or form ur place to bring it up, let me do that, it is my life. U constantly ruin everything... and now u have ruined my most treasured and important friendship. no thanks to u at all. get out of my life already.

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I used to dream, but no slumber can harour my mind. I used to wish but no stars flew by. I used to laugh but no joke is funny. I used to cry but no tears will fall. i used to hope, but hope has left me here. I used to care, but no heart was there to receive. I used to want, but life is about needs. I used to live, but even life is suddenly boring. I used to explore but there were always dead ends. I used to be afraid of getting hurt, but now nothing can hurt me. I used to have an image of who I wanted to be, and now that picture is faded.

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I was talking to Clint today and I found out that I am not the only one who has been miserable this whole year, and just can't snap out of it. For some reason we both have been down, sad, depressed, in a funk, whatever u can call it. It's a combo of wanting to get tf out of high school, boredom, anxiety, everyone changing so drastically this year, making decisions, drama, thoughts....i also think that drinking coffee is like... my drug. it gives me enough of a high to be happy, without it I am sort of dead, lol. I have finally decided to not give away any emotions anymore... just not take the chance. Not this year, it is not worth it. I know that nothing will turn out and that once again I get sacked by someone else who is more attractive er skinny er whatever, so it is not worht it to leave it to hope that maybe being a decent, caring person is more important. *shrug* oh well can't ask for everything... i mean anything these days. So many things have changed... so I should just let them change, stop holding on. drifting away....

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Am I crabby? Am I over analyzing things again? or am I getting better, just pppl don't see that?

Shurg, who knows... except that I hate drama. I dislike many things, but hate drama. I love many things and like even more, so I guess that is good.

I just have this feeling... maybe it will pass. I hope that it is not true tho. People need to learn when to not say anything, bc it proves no point or helps anyone out... that includes me.

Reading, "the importance of being earnest" good stuff. school sucks, it is just so darn boring and pointless. I live for my weekends however even those recently have not been so hot. Except that awesome trip to Penn state this past saturday. I loved just getting away from town, being out on my own, with some friends who don't cause drama and who I can just chill with. Even tho I amnot close friends with eva or michelle we still had a very good time. and no drama. hehe.

Run down of what is going on... robbie still is not talking to me, ash got a new car, we're cool now, milica is dealing with stuff, tim i think is upset by something, courtney has been having some stressful times (home, relationship, school), tom's bday is tomorrow, leigh is dealing with the same shit i delt with just a lil while ago, david w is awesomely finding his way, li is forgetting stuff, david a is finding his way too, just with no one knowing, don't talk to kelly, coni is in argentina so our lab group is a bit smaller, jess is quiet, lacrosse season starts soon but i don't know how i am going to get to practice everyday once it starts at 4 bc my mom is getting another job and i have no car, got my certficate of citizenship yesturday, my dad is still having chest pains and his doctor thinks it is nothing, dance marathon is going well i think, college stuff and school applications for scholarships are due out soon, found out i might be getting a guitar, i keep putting off silly easy responsiblities, my rents think that there is something wrong, I am starting to talk to them more... about the world and whatnot. (like Bush trying to pass an amendment of no same sex marriages). I should call charisse this weekend, need to send out pictures to audrey. *sigh* life goes on.. hum drummm, hum drummmm... i need some inspiration.

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My first venture to PSU! 6:30am on the road. Is Eva sleeping? Ummm, her eyes are open! *picture* Following Michelle’s round about ways. Parking, “guys, I hit another car.” Walked all around town. Diner for sticky buns, Panera for bagels. Snowing… hailing… raining…. Walking. “this is so refreshing guys!” Poked thru shops and such. Walked many miles to the Rec hall where THON was even tho that wasn’t where we were planning on ending up. Nittany Lion Inn à way… oops that is Parking. Learned the line dance which was really good this year. "Stifler's mom has got it going on...'now, u put your hands out and do a swinging motion....'". “just keep dancing just keep dancing.” good stuff. Left and went to another Bobalicious. (sorry dave). “where’s Old Main?” “I showed it to u when we walked around this morning, annnnd I took a picture of it!” 6 kiddos in a 2 door car. Walked around to shops some more, then went to the Crepe place… so good. “hmm, which one? Pasta, salad, sandwich or crepe?” “that’s like the entire menu eva.” Cold stone.. Line out door. Still snowing. Visit sis in middle of frat house mania. Drive home. “meet at the gas station with the car wash and everything.” Eva sleeps again, this time with her eyes closed. Get to Cold Stone in Harrisburg and order the Ultimate Bucket. Mmm goodness. *picture* back to my house for cards. Good times. Debating galore. I was so tired. Cocoa Grill at 11pm for something to eat. Meghan forgets her wallet in her coat, and Li locks keys in car. 12am…. Still waiting. Bouncy balls (u have 4?? ohhhhhhhhhh!) Home by 12:30am, stayed up to watch some shit on tv. ZzZzzzZzz. So yes, that was SIX restaurants in ONE day! Federated Women's luncheon I served drinks, "would anyone like coffee, tea or punch?" for 3 hours. I actually enjoyed myself. I like hustling around, being needed, giving smiles to old people. sighhhh. Now off to do loads of hw. Off to Philly tomorrow to finally get my papers!

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