Woke up this morning... took a shower, walked into my mom's room and said, "i have a headache still from last night" and she kindly replied, "well u don't look good at all, ur pale and i don't think u should go to school today at all... go drink lots of fluids, lay off the chocolate bc that give me headaches and take a tylenol and go back to bed..." "ok, no argument here, (takes whole bottle)"

Went back to bed till 10:30ish and decided to get up and see who else was not at school or work... only a few. Had a nice calming chat with Caitlin in New York... I miss her, we always had good chats in spanish class. But I guess her being away now lets us just really talk about the good stuff that is impacting our lives, so that we don't waste each other's time with frivolous stuff. So when one of us is really excited or really bummed out, we have that compassion n time to really be there. Manda is home too, so talked to her about how one person really is not worth worrying about.. and I agreed. My heart started beating really fast again so I went for a 10 min run outside and then another 9 min run (sublimation at its best)... it is muggy and wet, but slightly warm.

last night I couldn't get to sleep for the life of me till 1am... I couldn't even just sit in bed, I found myself doing hundreds of sit ups and push ups... all that sort of stuff that doens't make any noise but gets all that frusteration out. SO this morning of course I woke up to slightly sore arms, but that was it. (cuz u know I have abs of steel, hahah NOT) So to say the least, I am glad I took the day off... it would've been a waste to go to school since I didn;t do any of my work or anything last night. Man, I very much disklike days like yesturday, completey throws off my aura. But I guesss with good comes bad and we can only leave it to hope that from bad comes good..,which as we all know, I believe very much in.

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Oh my... I laughed so many times today I think I made my horrible TMJ jaw problemo return... dang. Anywho, today was a hilarious day over all. Went out to lunch with some old folks from Kiwanis as usual on a Tuesday, I love them so much. So youthful and so funny. So today it went by kind of slow until we started talking about prom, and whammmm... those senior citizens were off! haha, they were sooooo cute. They want a presentation of post promnesss to show them. haha. They also found out that Ash got a date, so they all turned to me and were like, "and what about u hun?" and I just smiled and shruged... no date yet. So thennnn, they just HAD to come up with ideas of how to get me a date. One of them talked about how her daughter one year, went door to door looking for a date for her friend... the day before prom and they found one! She told Ash that she should do that for me, just go door to door and as long as the dude is breathing, he's good... at first the criteria was, "he must shower" then it went to just "check if he is breathing" hahahhhhhaha. damn i'm pathetic. Can't even get a date to my senior prom.....

Then no lax game, so went to Donna's crazy big house to watch 2 hours of a lax game on her tv in the room next to the racket ball room. Then went out to dinner with Tom, Court and Laine for some good times at the Grill where I laughed yet again none stop for a good 2 hours. However, I now feel soooo sick.... nautiated and headached and wanting to throw up type... someone was smoking a cigar and my clothes, hair and everything just reeks of smoke now.... ughhhhhh! I honestly can't remember the last time I felt so ill when I wasn't really sick, it's similar to extreme car sickness. So yea... I hate smokers.

Drank too much coffee....

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So I'm up.... dunno whyyyy exactly seeing how I went to bed last night at 1am. *shrug*

So last night. Had dinner with the family, (got to drive to my grandparents all by myself) and that was arite. Food wasn't great but the company was hilarious bc my grandparents who I rarely talk to always end up going off on some tangents about the past... and this time it was my grdmother going off about how it was giving birth to my mother. "hey, mom, I just had a baby girl" "stop lying, ur lying, *click*" "maaaaaaaa!" haha. Then wandered home to get online fer a good long time doing absolutely nothing with other ppl who were doing absolutely nothing. Thennn, Tom came on and we tried to get ppl together for coffee at the Grill at 9pm, but ppl were either too bored to move or had resigned to other forms of entertainment like watching a movie. So, we decided, heck with it, we'll go anyway.

Sat down at the Grill, and thus began an awesome 2 hours of just talking. (with occasional sips of the coffee that kept refilling itself every so often) I guess we talked about me, him, his relationship/Courtney, friendships, friends that went down a diff path, dealing with their habits, being directed in life, knowing what both of us want to do with our lives, being some of the only ppl we know like that, sorting thoughts about what he can do with his band having a gig the same day as Courtney's grad party 4 hours away (which we just discussed like 3 min ago again, so I hope I helped), obligations, love, how do u know?, the "ultimate end" and the "ideal end", surrealness, my questions about stuff, intuition, past high school experiences, how we both "came out of our shell" and started to really experience the world so much better, how awesome the whole thing is, how even tho we are all going off to college, there will always be "our group" of friends even if it is with new ppl, there WILL be ppl who don't drink or do pot in college, even if it doesn't seem like it... the list can go on and on. But really, what I got out of it was the realization that, mannnn we have only known each other for 6-7 months tops and look at how just getting to know someone who u didn't know before, what it can give u! It's not so much of a connection per say, but just someone who is at the same place in life. While we can push around how stupid people are, and how dumb society is, we mostly just boast and smile about how wonderful simple experiences are... like who else smiles that much about walking in the rain, or enjoying a car ride with munchies and blankets listening to awesome music, or just sitting in a smoky diner drinking coffee! I love experiences like that, no flashy banners or flying colors, bc it is the people u are with that make it magical and rememberable.

Also watched Runaway Jury when I got home,... good movie.

So now onto an incredibley boring day....

"Being totally fair is impossible... it is the fact that u are trying to be fair that counts" -me, from this morning's convo

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"Sometimes the things that may or may not be true are the things a man needs to believe in the most. That people are basically good; that honor, courage, and virtue mean everything; that power and money, money and power mean nothing; that good always triumphs over evil; and I want you to remember this, that love... true love never dies. You remember that, boy. You remember that. Doesn't matter if it's true or not. You see, a man should believe in those things, because those are the things worth believing in." - from jen's profile.

"Go make your next choice be your best choice
And if you're looking for a boy with a voice, well baby I'm single
Are you in the mood for some dude, are you in the mood to be subdued
Or would you rather just mingle?
Let's get set then to go then and let us jet set we'll be like the jetsons
You can be Jane my wife. Should I marry Jane tonight?

I would if I could. I'd do most anything spontaneously.

Or we can keep chilling like ice cream filling
We can cool in the gang if you'd rather hang
Ain't no thing. I can be lacubrious with you.
I got no ifs ands ors no wits or whats about it
But this place is getting crowded and my house is two blocks away
Or maybe closer

I would if I could. I'd do most anything spontaneously.
You know I would, if I could. I'll do anything spontaneously.

If you could be nimble, you'd have it simple just like me.
So go on and try it, do not deny yourself your freedom."
- jason mraz "I'll do anything"

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Villanelle

Time can say nothing but I told you so,
Time only knows the price we have to pay;
If I could tell you, I would let you know.

If we should weep when clowns put on their show,
If we should stumble when musicians play,
Time can say nothing but I told you so.

There are no fortunes to be told, although
Because I love you more than I can say,
If I could tell you, I would let you know.

The winds must come from somewhere when they blow,
There must be reasons why the leaves decay;
Time can say nothing but I told you so.

Perhaps the roses really want to grow,
The vision seriously intends to stay;
If I could tell you, I would let you know.

Suppose the lions all get up and go,
And all the brooks and soldiers run away?
Time can say nothing but I told you so.
If I could tell you, I would let you know.

W.H. Auden

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Went for a cruise today with the Pops. Went all over the crazy place like Palmyra and hershey park drive and back roads.... good hour of pure driving. Now I'm not looking at the line in the middle, so soon I won't have to keep my eyes glued on the speedometer. THREE cops, count them THREE followed me today on my road venture! woop.

So yea, right now talking to Tom, one of the most cool, down to earth ppl I know about stuff... well we went from yest's visit/trip, to what is important in a relationship, to friends, to driving, to sweet tooths, to eating habits, to college and future, to random excursions that we hope to continue when we are adults and have families, to our parents threating us with kids of our own just like us and us wanting kids just like us!, to overbearingly sweet drinks and food, to the weather, to room mates, to meeting at the grill for coffee tonight...

...to how my life is way tooo surreal these days. Things just happen... how I expect them to. Sort of like, I can predict what will happen and it always does happen that way, I don't know if I just interpret it to bc I expect it to, or if it really does happen.... I caught myself yesturday in our many adventures thinking... "am I in a comma? Am I goign to wake up one day in a hospital bed and none of this amazingness will be true?" I keep having de ja vues too, which just adds to my apprehention about reality... like what if I am just re living things to either change the outcome or to give me another chance to live? I've changed so much this past year and half too, that that makes me think, well is it just me changing THIS much just for shits and giggles or am I subconscously changing bc I already know what it is like to live my life without that change? mannnnnn, crazinesss. Must be the sugar I have ingested. *sugar headache*

Well, no ravishing plans for today, excpet dinner with the family at 5. I wish I had my homework here with me but it is in the trainer's room at school. sighhhh. crummy weather too, guess u can't ask for too much when u were already given a perfect day.

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