The funny thing is... I don't like it either.

If only u had any idea.

What's made me happy this week? ( i think this should become a regular reflection): listening to country music (haha, but it's true), meals with my girls, phone/catching up with Tom, boot camp, my card, meeting/talking to new ppl everyday, anticipation for next weekend.

I feel like every move is being watched... by everyone... and I guess I deserve that.

Well, you take my hand
Yeah you pull me close and I understand

It's the sweet love that you give to me
That makes me believe that we can make it through anything

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How much people change, grow up, develope and how our enviornmental factors creates our personality (Erikson)... is fascinating. It made me think about my growing up... what I gained from my parents such as trust vs mistrust, autonomy vs guilt and dependence, etc... and it created who I am versus someone like Tim who is an opposite extreme in how he faces the world and interactions with people and I can understand whyyy people could think that way if they have never known anything diff.

Looking back... Amanda is talking to her friend from Cali on the phone about her old middle school friends and how she doesn't understand how she was ever friends with them at the time. I think my values have stayed the same over all so my friends were always part of the same "clique" and if anything, by senior year became more diverse and by college, wayyy eclectic.

Sure there are cliques but they do not apply so much, u are free to intereact with whoever u want one on one and in class. I think we are divided more by our majors (and that alone sys something about our values, morals, interests) than we are social standing or clothing choices.

In Lit class today we were talking about Richard Corey the poem and how so many people we had known who were "the" person to be, the hottest guy, the football player, top of class, success bound person committed suicide and how what SEEMS to be perfect isn't. How we all wear a certain mask around everyday as to who we are, and that is why I am all about communication and being an open book. Sure I might not tell my professor exactly how I feel when they ask in passing, but a friend... I will if they want to know. What you see is mostly what you get, and if u pry deep enough it is all u get.

I try to let people not feel like they have to wear a mask around me either, try to make them an open book. I guess that is where my honesty is the best policy thing comes in. I want people to feel like they can be who they reallly really are around me and not pretend. I know that we all pretend to an extent somedays, just because it is easier. But since I want to be accepted just the way I am, and I finding out more and more that I can be, that I am, I only expect the same from others.

I have found over the year being at college that u can be whoever u want to be and the easiest person TO be, is urself. I never in my dreams thought that I had a sense of humor and some would say I still don't, but at college, I find myself saying things I never would've before and I think some of that is picked up from the people I talk to everyday and their sense of humor. It is a huge self esteem booster to feel like u don't have to pretend to act some way that u were held to in high school or elementary school anymore, and be liked even more! It builds confidence and for me, it has made me MORE me and MORE open.

Sure I might not be the "old" meghan as much anymore, one thing that I remember tlaking to Tom about one night, but as he said, the "old" meghan never was so critical of herself as this "new" one is, and so I am trying to not be so afraid to move foward in my own personal growth and embrace who I am becoming rather than be afraid that I am changing for the worse. Changes come in all shapes and sizes, just like jeans, and sometimes life calls for a pint of ben and jerrys so u throw on the relaxed fit jeans and sometimes it calls for being proud of urself and so u put on the tight ass hipp huggers. hahah wow that was a horrible analogy but maybe u get the point.

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Isn't it ironic how when everyone was away this weekend I found peace, happiness, stress freeness, and was content. But now that everyone is back, my heart rate went up, I feel kinda crappy and bummed out... doesn't make any sense.

Off to another hell of a busy week.. apologies in advance for bad moods, quick goodbyes and prolly jut not talking to me in general. When stressed approach with caution... not like anyone has tried talking to me in a while either...again why I liked being alone. Let's see how long I can go with no entry.

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My purpose in life.. I've been thinking about what I want out of my life. DO I want material objects like a secure home, a family, a job I enjoy... or if I had to, would I be content with being by myself, learning about me, finding a comfort withing myself and no need from anyone else to make me happy... all I DO know is that this conversation I had with one my friends reminded me of MY deep down ambition and "purpose" to my life...

friend: lifes so confusing sometimes
me: that it is but if it weren't sometimes i think we';d be way too bored our minds would have nothing to figure out
friend: yeah very true
me: and knowing that there are people who care about me... that's what keeps me going, even if they can't help or be there physically... even if it is just one person. even if it just myself
friend: yeah...
me: and i dunno.. maybe it is just me but when i feel like things are shitty i keep going cuz i don't want to give up when they are bad,,, i look foward to when they are awesome... and it seems as if u are heading toward to the awesomeness in just one small step of gaining courage
friend: yeah.. i mean, i feel so... powerful almost.
friend: i feel like i conquered my fear
me: and that is SUCH a great feeling
me: and i am sooo incredibley proud of u
me: i wish everyone could do that
friend: yeah.. i mean, it was def. tough.
me: i mean.. i always wish i could give that sort of power and liberation to people
friend: but.... i know im a better person now
me: and i am so gld u found someone who could do that for u
me: yes.. and that is something we all must realize
friend: and i am making myself promise that if [name] and i dont work out or something like that, it doesnt matter.
me: *nod* very good
me: it's not the end result that mattters.. it's the process

This weekend I am physically alone... but it has allowed me to be WITH myself. Perhaps that is something we should all become more comfortable with, no tv, no computer, no phone, just ourselves. If we can be happy with ourselves then we can be satisfied in any point in life.

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Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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I miss my girls.... kate, kara and katie... I didn't realize it until Kate called twice to talk about spring break plans woohoo!. But yea, I even miss their voices how weird is that? Katie moved into Benita's room today to get away from her dirty whore of a roommate. Her mom came up too and we all hung out, she is sooo nice.

I am sitting in Katie's other desk chair that she took wtih her out of the room and it is quite awesome I must say. I also am harboring her tv and dvd player this weekend bc I am all alone here at school.

I spent THREE hours cleaning my room today...reorganzing, folding amanda's clothes that we all over the floor... throwing away tons of trash from my drawers... just TONS! Felt good too although I didn't get to the gym today. blah.

Dinner, Shark Tale, watching tv... and then pretending to be really tired so the kid would leave...

On going home from college over the weekends: I don't think people should. I really think that relying on goinghome every weekend is a part of growing up and making that step toward independence and self reliance. Unfortunately so many of my girl friends go home a lot on weekends cuz they live within 1 1/2 hours. I need to make some more friends who stay on campus but most ppl who go here live close by, and like my old lab partner who is in my anatomy class this semester is a comuter.

I need a massage... tensing up again in the shoulders. THe past two days I have been able to spend on scrapbooking!! I am having so much fun with these new pages I got from this scrapbooking calender. Katie was supposed to email me some pict from lasst weekend so I could put them up on here but it didn't work. hmph. I dunno if I should go to sleep, stay up late and pretend to do homework or what. I am really just trying to figure out how to waste time.

Got to talk to Tim while he was driving home and hopefully see him sometime later Sundayishness. That is gonna be a lot of driving. Caught up a bit with Kelly too online...

"Lonliness" was another concept that we talked about yesturday and how we might be lonely all the time... how even when we are within each other's presence, sharing experiences, relating on deep or shallow levels, what we are going thru ourselves is something unique only to us and so we are dealing with it "alone". We could also say that we are truely never alone if we know, connect to and understand ourselves. That even in physical solitude we are very much with other people in our mind...

I wish u were here right now, here with me so I could see you, feel you, tell you...

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