Thursday. 11.4.04 3:04 pm
Stuff that kept me awake last night---
- trying to figure out how to stretch limited time to spend with many people.
- thinking if postponing the rest of my life to earn another degree is worth it
- taking 18 credits a semester for the next 3 1/2 maybe forced to do 4 years plus a heavy summer school load and a job, so I can earn two degrees and meet my Physical Therapy pre requisits for graduate school... is it STILL worth it?
- How becoming a Doctor (earning my PhD) has suddenly become very important to me, in whatever field I end up in.
- realizing that I need to do more extra-curricular activities to make myself a well balanced person
- wishing I could fit dancing into my schedual but knowing that it is impossible
- Wondering if lax will interfere with my school work
- wishing I had an answer better than..." it's time for u to think of urself, be selfish and let things happen as they do, don't ignore ur feelings." that doesn't mean I don't think that that is the best thing to do, it's just I feel bad not having a nicer answer, but then again, life's situations are not always nice.
- wondering if it is even possible to work, commute and take classes?
- many concerns about my roomie
Stuff that kept you awake last night-
- contemplating to or not to, that is the question.
enchanting2215 (1:50:51 PM): hahaha no its us
enchanting2215 (1:51:14 PM): come on, u take two gurls and separte them, and then take away all their other friends (males)...
meggyo86 (1:51:23 PM): true
enchanting2215 (1:51:45 PM): the only thing is....our guys are irreplaceable
meggyo86 (1:51:48 PM): true
enchanting2215 (1:52:01 PM): damn them
meggyo86 (1:52:04 PM): hahaha
meggyo86 (1:52:08 PM): damn them for being so awesome!
enchanting2215 (1:52:13 PM): haahaha
enchanting2215 (1:52:23 PM): whitey would enjoy that compliment lol
meggyo86 (1:52:31 PM): hehehe
I am so thankful and appreciative of the relationship I still have with my friends. How we still have these awesome conversations, help each other out (or try to), listen, vent, scream, complain, whatever! It's just like back in the old days, where we are an open book.... there for anything and everything. If we were still in hershey I can guarentee that we would be driving over each other's houses with pints of ice cream possibley a chick flick too or going for walks around the neighborhoods right now.
Right now it looks so shitty outside and I am eating chocolate... hahah ohhhh man. Not so good. I had some dreams last night... quite... I dunno.
Anyway, I am getting nothing done so I need to figure out what I need to do and do it. For college writing I get to edit a photo how I want and write a story about it, I think I know which one I want to do but I'm gonna look for more.
Today is the type of day that I miss being home... where I could curl up on the couch with my lax fleece blanket, in a hoodie, watching some ridiculous movies like Disney, eating shit I shouldn't and hopefully with some awesome ppl (even if it was just one) there with me. Instead I am in a dorm room, alone, my roomie is off studying and being mad at her mom for emailing her coach with a concern about her health (which is now my concern too), looking out the window at a grey, rainy sky thinking, I wish I wasn't here.
I think it is hard for me to find friends here like those from hershey bc they were the ones to help me thru a lot of growing, they witnessed it and therefore know my habits, tendencies, know when to kick me back into a mental set, know when something is wrong, and even know what it is. I feel like everyone here is always in such a rush to stop and make those deep connections. *sigh*
It's been a very thought provoking, nastalgic day where I got to reconnect with two close friends. Thanks, it was quite enjoyable.
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Wednesday. 11.3.04 8:01 pm
My. computer. is. going. so. slow.
I have to think of an experience I can witness with sovereignty tonight... or pretend I witnessed it and write about it. This means, experience something without cultural pre conditioning.
I figured out how to use up my meal plans without having to try to swallow whole food... I can get gatorade, water, soda (I almost said pop, ahhh!) and use up my $3.60 at Rocky's that way. whew. Tomorrow I need to do laundry and workout after my classes and meeting with Dr. Ryan. Friday they are playing Bourne Supremecy at 7pm which I am excited about bc I never got to see it. I really want to see the Notebook but it won't be released onto video/dvd till Feb 8th, what crap. Guess I'll hafta wait till Easter, which just so happens to be theeee day before my birthday! I am glad now that we have that 5 day weekend since I won't be home for Spring break. Think it would be much to ask my dad to drive out here Tues night and pick me up at 7:30/8 to get home around 12/12:30? Cuz I don't want to waste half of wednesday driving home. Darn chem lab has to make things hard and that is something I CANNOT miss. Maybe if I drive home he will come Tues. *nod*. He always makes everything work out for me, so am sure this will too. Gosh I love my parents! Ok, what else is there to ramble about. I have 20 pages to read tonight that I tried reading earlier but fell asleep of course. I really have to stop doing that. I finally gave in and bought an ID holder/wallet type thing. Oh man I relaly need to get back to working... later.
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Tuesday. 11.2.04 2:25 pm
U know what is sexy? Walking in the rain back from BSB in the pouring rain without an umbrella. Fun annnd sexy. I'm telling u, the rain dripping off the face and hair gets me all the time. hahahaa. It's nice and warm out tho so I wish I could've enjoyed it. Nothing like sitting thru a lecture that I already sat thru for an hour. Oh well... gotta pick up package, appt at health center 3:15, chem lab 5:30-8, magician show 8-10.
Last night my mom and I were talking and what I got out of it was--- romance is good, dressing up is fun, pop used to be slightly romantic and now he snores on the couch, herrr engagement ring is still in her dresser drawer bc she is not a fan of diamonds, and my brother wants to move to Canada.
My new favorite selection of tunes is Jimmy Eat World... at least the songs that I copied from Amanda. 'hear you me' is so beautiful, 'the middle' reminds me of riding around in Tom's Jeep and the rest are just so .. good feeling. And who thinks Boozel should serve buffalo chicken pizza more often?
In examining the 'loss of sovereignity' we discussed how with every expereince we have this precoceived notion about what it will be like, what it is supposed to be like so we never really see it for ourselves. So using prom as an example we layed out the "expectations" of prom. I remember after our senior prom how everyone said that it wasn't waht they expected, it wasn't romantic as much, but just good old fun.
- "what precoceived notions do we have about prom?" -proff
- "it's supposed to be special, magical, everyone dresses up"....
-"sex"....
-"booze" -students
- "Ok, so prom is this maaagical thing that u spend tons of moeny on, and then get drunk, throw up and have sex... alright!" -proff
hahahaha oh man I really enjoy that class. She makes her point quite blatently, with true sarcasm. That is the only class I laugh in. (I mean... in which I laugh. hehe.)
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Monday. 11.1.04 8:33 pm
Writing serenity just reminded me of Sernedipity which reminded me of the first time I saw that movie which reminded me of.... everything. *sigh*
However, serenity.... that is what I was going to talk about. I came in this evening and got to talk to two people who I miss talking to. No, make that three people, another one was this afternoon, nope wait, make that 4, there was one yesturday too. There is a certain sense of pride and peace in finding out that ppl trust you and respect you enough to tell you stuff. From those things we got into some thoughtful conversations in which I was almost proud of myself for handling them as I did. I have learned a lot in this whole going off to college experience and one of them is that people change, and it is all part of the growing process... it's a process. So, I respect all of your decisions because you have the right to make them. Life is not always rational and neither are choices. That's ok. You do what you do and then take it from there. What my opinion of a lesson learned or a right decision is in regards to habits or how u present urself is my opinion only so who am I to dictate to you? I do feel like... more people need to figure this stuff out by experiencing first. I really do think that all of this... is just about filling voids, emotional, sexual, personal, whatever. And I will never stop being here for you guys.
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What I learned at 10am this morning
Monday. 11.1.04 12:31 am
Talk about ppl jumping the gun on marriage right when they get into college... every mon/wed/fri I get to hear about how the last fight b/w this girl and guy went, and how they fight everyday and I even go to hear one of them, let me tell u it was not pretty. I wouldn't talk like that to someone I repsect let alone my boyfriend. But, today I walk in and guess what?! They are engaged... how endearing right? *gag* They set the wedding date to be in 2006 or something, so she'll still be in college. It'll be interesting to see if they last that long. I just don't understand how u can promise your life and love to someone who u fight with everyday... it boggles my mind. I am not saying there is anything necessarily wrong with getting engaged and waiting till AFTER college to get married. That's the thing about life: u get to make ur own decisions.
Another thing I found interesting... someone behind me asked, "So who are u voting for, Ketchup or Oil?" "huh?!" "Well, Bush has his money in the oil in Iraq and Kerry has his in Heinz Ketchup, so who u voting for ketchup or oil?"
I am finally gonna find time to go to the Health Center today... I think after lunch. Gotta write a paper and practice my presentation. Getting out chem tests back eeek. That's all, miss you guys!
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----> where was I going with this?
Sunday. 10.31.04 9:49 pm
How ironic is life?
Quite.
Is this a dream?
Perhaps. Do u want to wake up?
Sometimes...
Why?
Because I want to know what is reality
If u can live in a dream why do u choose reality?
I don't deserve the dream
Then who does?
Everyone else
So why are u so convinced that this is a dream?
There are too many coincidences, too many ironies, too many parrallels
Maybe it is just that u are in the right place at the right time
I'm starting to wish I was in the wrong place, cuz then I would have an excuse.
An excuse for what?
To not like this dream
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